I have in my hands, in my mail, a box of my books that I have been waiting for for so long.
I have been laughing, I'm hoping you can hear me, because a lot of my endorsers have been
getting their books before I got my books.
And I wondered why, and it was because my publisher had an old PO box of mine that was
no longer able to receive mail.
So now they are here, and I am so freaking excited to unveil to you, unveil to myself and
the world my third book, my third book in the world, my second with a publishing house,
my first book was self-published, and my first that is really, I don't know, everyone
I talked to about this book says that this is my book.
My first two books were also my books, like they, they, they came for me, they were written
by me in different seasons of my life, but this framework, these tools are, are what
I know to be the legacy that I want to leave in the world.
That is how significant this book is to me.
Look how beautifully packaged they are in Bubble Wrap.
I have no idea how many copies are in here, but it also says it's a rush order, which
is so wonderful because my book comes out in six days on March 31st.
Try not to scare my group out, there she is, sweet baby.
Of course I'm here right now, three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving.
It's a hard back, baby's first hard back, I am so excited.
Okay, let me, let me put this giant box down, and I want to tell you a little bit about
the book, and then I'll read you a passage from it, because that's how excited I am.
That, that this is today, that this is happening.
And it can seem very, it might seem very odd to you that I am this lit about a grief book,
because a lot of grief books are memoirs about the most tragic things that happen in our
lives.
And I believe that there is a space and place and time for those grief books to exist.
They need to exist in the world.
People need to see them on shelves in order to see themselves in story and to recognize
not only that they are not alone, but that it is possible to survive those kinds of losses.
This is not that kind of grief book.
This grief book is for everyone who is adjacent to a griever, who wants to support them, but
doesn't know what to say.
So this is much less of a memoir, it's really not a memoir at all, and more a how-to guide
of what to say to support somebody who's grieving.
This is written for friends and family members, this is written for co-workers, this is written
for bosses, CEOs, leadership, politicians should read this, please.
It is also written for perfect strangers, people who deal with grievers on a regular basis.
And if you don't think you deal with grievers on a regular basis, think again, I have had
so many interactions with massage therapists, with hair stylists, with people at retail counters.
I work in a flower shop four days a week.
You think we don't get sympathy calls to do funeral arrangements, people talking about
their loved ones who have died.
This is for anyone who is adjacent to a grieving person in today's world.
That means all of us.
And society has taught us these garbage phrases of time heals all.
Everything happens for a reason.
God just needed another angel.
You just need to be strong for your family.
And not one of these phrases has ever meaningfully helped a grieving person.
Feel as if they are seen, heard, comforted, supported, all they are doing is making grieving
people feel judged and alone, and like their pain is going to last forever, especially
if the grief waves keep coming.
But they do.
They always do.
Grief is lifelong.
So this three phrase framework, of course I'm here right now is my answer as a griever
and a grief coach, griever for 13 years, grief coach for more than 10 now of how to support
somebody who is grieving, regardless of the type of loss they faced, how long they've
been grieving for and what medium you're communicating on.
And what I pause it in this book and what I teach you how to do is use words.
Our best free grief support tool that any of us has access to at any time to support the
people in your life who are grieving.
These can be your closest friends and family members.
They can also be your coworkers.
They can be your clients.
They can be the stranger in the back of the Uber that you are driving because that is
your side hustle.
It can be someone you are serving tables to as a waitress in a major city.
It can be someone a neighbor that you run into on the street.
It can be someone you're waiting on the train platform with.
These words work in all instances for all types of loss from the minor every day.
I didn't get a part in the play.
The bus drove by so fast it splashed water on my new dress and now there is a minor loss
of some sort all the way to the person I love most in the world has just died and you
as a comforter, a supporter are being looked to as the person to respond to it.
That is what this book is for.
It's very funny the process of trying to sell this book of getting anyone to buy it was
a lot about proving that this book needed to exist in the world.
My agent and I shopped this out to another publishing house and they said this is great but
we would love for you to include some actions of what to do for someone who is grieving.
These could include things like bring a casserole, mother lawn, offer to walk their dogs
for them, send a grocery gift card and I said no no no no no no.
You're missing the point.
The point of this book is that words are the tool words are it.
This is a guidebook for how to use language and how to change the language that we use as
a society to comfort people in grief.
And the biggest reason I wrote it was this.
There were many reasons I wrote this book but the biggest reason I wrote it was this.
Graving people over and over and over and over and over again feel so abandoned and left
behind and judged by friends, family members, coworkers, all the other people in their life
because of the language that is used towards them.
The one that I won't forget in the story that I tell, one of the stories I tell in the book
is about a professor who told me that I can't be sad forever two months after my mom died
and it would have been so different if that professor had said of course you're still
sad that your mom is dead just two months after she died.
I'm here for you.
Right now I can imagine this is a really hard season to go to class which I did two months
after my mom died.
It was 21 when she died and I was in my senior year of college.
What a different experience that would have been as opposed to hearing you can't be sad
forever after I ran out of a class that I didn't know was going to be about funerals two
months to the day after my mother's death.
Sorry, got off on a tangent.
The biggest reason I wrote the book is this.
Graving people do not want to be abandoned but they are by words.
Words are what causes fractures and rifts and awkwardness and endings to friendships and
relationships after loss and supporters, friends, family members, coworkers, people who care
about them.
They're like I don't want to screw it up.
I don't want to say the wrong thing.
I want to genuinely be helpful but I don't know what to say or do.
But in the silence that exists between grievers and supporters, this is where relationships
fracture and end.
This is the book for supporters who genuinely give a crap about saying things that are comforting
and supporting to their grievers.
Not just so they have a script to say in the moment.
This is not just your words.
Now take them.
Thank you.
It is so that grief.
The thing that storms through your friend or family member or client or coworkers life.
Does not break your relationship but makes it stronger or makes it so that the thing that
tears so many people away and causes grievers to grieve yet another loss.
I grieve my mom.
Now I have to grieve my coworkers too.
I grieved my sister.
I have to grieve my friend group as well.
I grieved the death of a dream or disability or a diagnosis that I was diagnosed with.
And now I have to grieve this community of support that doesn't know how to show up for
me.
That from happening.
This creates a world and I'm going to be really so boxy for a second.
This guarantees a world where everyone has the words to say to someone grieving.
This is the simplest tool I could create.
The most accessible easy to learn tool that I could create for everyone in the world
to support someone they care about who is grieving.
I want to read.
I don't know what I want to read.
Let's flip through.
Also, "Hell of Hardcover."
My publisher told me I broke a record for the most endorsements that have ever been received
for a book.
There are one, two, three, four, five, six on the back and there are 24 more inside.
There are 30 people who have endorsed this book from fellow grief authors like Rebecca
Sofer and Hope Edelman to podcast host Janet of Christophero is one, Dr. Julie Shaw.
Another grief author, Colin Campbell, Christina Rasmussen, who wrote one of my favorite books
right after my mom died called Second First.
But there are so, so, so many other endorsements in this book from psychotherapists, from hospice
workers, from people who are adjacent to the grieving and who write about the significance
of words and loss.
Oh, and a couple of TikTok stars.
Hospice nurse Penny is in here as well.
But like so, so many people who understand what it means and the power of language when
someone that you care about is grieving.
Okay, I'm going to read from the introduction because I don't want to spoil the ending by
reading you the ending.
So I'm going to read you the introduction.
Ready?
Here we go.
This is like me recording the audiobook, which I also narrate.
So if you would like this as an audiobook, please get it from libro.fm, which is a place that
allows you to buy and own your audiobooks forever, unlike Audible, or if you have an Audible
subscription, you can find it from Audible as well.
Okay, this is from chapter one, the intro of the book.
This is what you will hear or read when you get this hard back or Audible or ebook for
yourself.
1.
The Power of Words and Grief.
Picture this.
Someone, a dear friend, a family member, a client, a patient, a member of your congregation,
a stranger at the grocery store, has just shared a grief story with you.
Someone has died or something very precious like a relationship, a job, or a dream has been
lost.
And now it is your turn to speak.
It's almost as if this person has placed their heart onto an invisible table between
the two of you, and now you feel the pressure to decide what to say next.
Yet, when you fish into the recesses of your brain to retrieve an appropriate reply to
their pain, you come up with an error message, response not found.
Time is ticking by.
Beads of sweat are beginning to form on your forehead, and your standing stalks still
while a voice of panic internally screeches, what do I say to comfort them?
What words could possibly be enough?
I don't want to make them feel worse.
Don't screw this up.
Meanwhile, your bereaved companion is waiting, fragile heart on the table for you to continue
the conversation.
This point in time, while incredibly short and measurable seconds, bears the heavy and
timeless weight of grief.
And in this moment, the onus is on you to respond to it.
What can you possibly say that will comfort them, that will acknowledge the weight and uncertainty
of their loss, that will let the person know that you not only care about them, but that
you were also a safe place for them to take their pain?
You try your best.
You offer up and I'm sorry, or I can't imagine.
You mirror back their feelings, replace a carrying hand on their shoulder.
You stumble through a few more sentences, watching their face to see if anything you've said
has had a meaningful impact, but you can't tell if you're actually comforting them, or
just saying words.
You end by wishing them well.
With a "let me know if there's anything I can do, I hope things get better soon," or
I'll be thinking of you.
But you leave the interaction feeling unsatisfied, unresolved.
Like there's something more you could have said or done, to help this person feel genuinely
seen, heard, and held in the moments they were in your presence.
You wonder if they feel better or worse for having talked to you, or if they may be even
regret bringing their suffering into your orbit.
As you watch them walk away, you feel a stone in your stomach and a nagging tug at the
edges of your heart.
You wonder if you'll ever be good at this, if you'll ever have truly helpful words to say
when someone opens up to you about a terrible loss.
You come over everything you said, examining your words for faults and cracks.
You exhale, and hope to God you'll never have to go through that again, while knowing
beyond a shadow of a doubt that you, like all of us, most certainly will.
That is pages three and four of course I'm here right now, and what I really wanted to
do was capture the weight and the real gravity that so many supporters, that so many of us,
were all supporters, were all grievers at some points in our lives, that we all feel when
someone's like holy crap suddenly a coworker texted me and said, "My brothers in the hospital."
Or suddenly a friend says, "My neighbor's dad has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer."
Or someone calls and says, "Oh my gosh, a driver just ran over my talk."
How do you respond to pain in that moment?
This is applicable for the pain of people we know and we care about, but we can also use
the tools in this book and I get into how to do this for the pain of the world, the pain
of the political state we're currently in, the pain of what it is to be alive right now
on the planet.
There are so many different uses for the phrases in this book.
I'll give you a little tour to France while we're on here together.
So chapter one is all about words and stories, the power of words and grief.
Why are words important?
Why are they so impactful?
Why do we agonize about not knowing the right words to say?
And then the first little bit that I leave you with in part one of the book is called
the Three Stories, where I introduce the three painful stories that almost every grieving
people, every grieving people, every grieving person tells themself at one time or another.
And this is based on 10 years of me working with grieving people as well as my own experience
as a griever.
The three stories are, "I'm crazy, I'm alone and it's going to be like this forever."
And I tell you how to figure out what story your griever, the person you are comforting,
is telling so that you know which phrase to use to respond.
Because the second part of the book is devoted to the phrases.
Of course, I'm here right now.
Of course, is the emotional validator of "I'm crazy?"
My dad's dead.
I can't believe I'm still so sad it's been seven years.
Of course, you're still sad.
Your dad is still dead, even though it's been seven years.
"I'm here" is the antidote to "I'm alone."
No one understands how I feel.
Even if I can't understand how you feel, "I'm here and I have not forgotten that you're
grieving."
I'll keep checking in on you.
It's always of saying "I'm here."
And then "Everything feels hopeless" or "My life will be like this forever."
Right now I can totally see how everything feels hopeless or how hope is hard to find.
I'm with you.
Those are all ways to respond to these three stories.
I'm crazy.
I'm alone.
It's going to be like this forever.
Of course, I'm here right now.
And their iterations.
In each of the chapters, I go into why these phrases work for all types of losses and
all types of grief.
There are a whole bunch of like, "try them as you wish with yourself or with other people
exercises."
For how to like make the phrases fun or fold them into daily life, especially if you
are someone who works with grievers professionally or like a friend or family member.
You could do this exercise as a family.
You could do this with a spouse.
You could do this with grieving kids, especially, especially if you're a griever, a grieving spouse,
maybe, supporting grieving children.
Oftentimes, grievers are supporters and supporters are grievers.
It's the combiocercle of life that we are all caught in.
The last part of the book, because I don't want to overwhelm you with information.
It really is a very quick in and out guide book, is your turn.
It is your blessing, your benediction for the road of you now have everything you need
to practice using these phrases in real life to begin using them with friends and family
members in the workplace with strangers that you interact who are grieving.
I take you through a day in the life of an imaginary comforter who is going throughout
her day from six in the morning until 10 pm, interacting with different people from her
children to her husband, to her co-workers, to her friend from knitting club.
All different ways, all different losses and all how the phrases, of course, I'm here
right now, fold into seamlessly her day to day.
But I also finally offer you a blessing of like you have the words now and now you can go
build a world where everyone knows what to say to comfort someone who is grieving.
This is a cliche free book, platitude free book on what to say to support someone at the
darkest and hardest moment of their lives.
It is applicable again for all types of losses, all time frame sense to loss and all mediums
where words are shared.
So whether you are writing a sympathy card or coming up with a company wide email or texting
someone or on FaceTime or sending what my friends and I call podcast voice memos, where we take
five minute voice memos of our lives and then refer to them as a podcast from one to the
other.
If you are writing a bulletin for the church newsletter, like these phrases are so helpful
in validating people's grief.
I am so this is just I what a blessing it is to be obsessed with my work.
And I really truly am.
There are client stories in here.
There are resources from other grief professionals, but ultimately is the definitive guidebook on what
to say to someone you care about who is grieving.
I am ecstatic that it's in hard back.
I am so thrilled that it's here in my hands.
It comes out in less than a week on March 31st, 2026.
So if you are watching this video after that, guess what?
You can go get it anywhere.
Anywhere find books are sold.
Please support your indie bookstore if you are able to do so financially.
If not Amazon Barnes and Noble bookshop, these are all fine places to grab a book in this day
and age.
And if you really can't financially afford a book, the best thing you can do to support me
as an author is to request this at your local library.
People searching for what to say to someone grieving whether on Google or in your library's
card catalog, we'll find this book and not only can you read it for free, but everyone
in your community can as well.
I am so delighted and just glowing at a sole level to share this book with you and
with the rest of the world.
Please, if you've read it already, write a review.
And if it's in you, if it is on your heart, please order a whole bunch for your organization,
for your local book club, for your mom's community, for whatever you are in, where you are adjacent
to someone grieving.
I write in chapter two, this is the last thing I'll give you just so I can drive the
impact of this home and then we'll sign off for the day.
But you are always adjacent to someone who is grieving.
You probably just don't know it yet.
Okay.
Each year in the United States, approximately 2.5 million people die.
For each person who dies, approximately five to nine people grieve their loss.
That's at least half a dozen people whose lives are significantly impacted by the absence
someone's death creates.
The average American reports having three to five close relationships.
That means if you extrapolate out that data, at least 37.5 million people are supporting
someone who's grieving at any given moment in time.
And this estimate only includes people grieving a death.
It does not include diagnosis.
It does not include divorce or breakup.
It does not include world events or natural disasters.
Every one including you is supporting someone grieving in every moment of your life.
This book is the guidebook for what to say.
I hope you will join me in creating a world where clichés finally meet their end.
Where platitudes are no longer the first thing we reach for on our mental shelves when
someone we care about is grieving.
And where when the people around us are suffering, our default begins to become emotional validation
through, of course, accompaniment, verbal and real show up accompaniment through I'm
here and time anchoring contextualizing right now in this season.
This is so hard in this chapter.
I can see how hard you're trying.
Abs of freaking.
Lutely.
These are so much more effective words than what we have been given by society.
And we can create a much more grief, caring and compassionate and literate culture just
by using the tools in this book.
I am so proud I wrote it.
I am so happy it's here.
Now go forth, buy it, tell your friends about it, request it at your local library.
I will be here and waiting and I cannot wait to hear what you think.
Until my next book.
I see you.
I am so proud of you in the work that you're doing in the world and I love you because even
through grief we are using our words and we are growing.
Thank you so much for your support with me in this book.
Bye.
[Music]