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So if you're a trauma survivor, you're not going to have any more bandwidth in your life

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than Pagger Woods did.

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So put it into perspective and narrow down the numerical so you're focusing on.

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When it's narrow, then you can start to lay out steps that it takes to get to those goals

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and work on those steps that the tasks underneath those.

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And if you don't have a million different things competing for your common intention,

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you've created this phase.

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You're able to get through those tasks.

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Welcome to the Executive Connect podcast.

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I'm excited to have Matt McCarthy here to talk about personal development and overcoming

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barriers.

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Welcome Matt.

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Hi Melissa, thanks for having me on.

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I was doing some research and about 90% of top performers and leadership roles possess

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very high emotional intelligence.

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As a personal development coach and founder of Questful Consulting, can you share a little

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bit about how you integrate emotional intelligence into your coaching and why you believe

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it's very important when we work in personal development.

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Yes, so emotional intelligence takes on a couple characteristics for me.

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One is in understanding the people around you, being able to observe their emotional state

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so you can best lead, manage, work with those others around you.

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The other part that I think it's lost sometimes is understanding our own emotions and being

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aware of where we are when we're interacting with others or even just throughout the day

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by ourselves.

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Many times our emotions, we may not recognize them in our brains and we may have to actually

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examine our body to understand where our emotions lie.

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Are we tight in certain areas, are jaw, are we feeling tingling, are we feeling various

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things that may actually be indicating you're having some sort of stress emotional reaction.

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And when you're in that situation where you're feeling stressed, you're more likely to react.

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More than may not be the right word, but not suboptimal.

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So I'm teaching clients to be aware of their bodies, to be aware of when they're feeling

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various emotions.

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You can also look at it from the other side.

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When they're feeling positive emotions, they may have something like a warmth in the chest,

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they may have certain feelings in their head region, things that show them, hey, you know,

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I'm feeling excited in a positive way and to utilize that, leverage that into just

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accelerating what they're working on.

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So are there specific tools or strategies you use to help people increase their emotional

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intelligence?

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So I typically am not focused directly on emotional intelligence.

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But if it's okay with you, I'd like to get into really what the focus of my research and

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coaching has been over the past several years.

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Would that work for you?

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Yeah, absolutely.

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So I myself got into the area of coaching and understanding barriers to achievement because

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I was running into barriers myself just to be told.

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So I embarked on a lot of research that was looking at a number of areas to figure out where

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I am again, suboptimal in terms of getting things done.

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Why am I feeling blocked in some areas?

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Why am I feeling like I'm not giving the traction that I needed to?

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And I went through a number of different areas that this expert says this, this expert says

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that.

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Is it nutrition?

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Is it the amount of activity?

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Is it am I setting the wrong kind of goals?

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Am I just not bringing on enough grit with my mindset?

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But I came across an area of research that's a little bit more recent and that's the area

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of trauma.

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So trauma, we can get into a definition later if we would like, but trauma actually carries

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some residual results in your body and in your mind that keep you from accomplishing what

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you were working on.

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They can also keep you from having that understanding of your own emotions.

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And it's a very physical response in addition to the emotional, mental things that you might

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think of when you hear about trauma.

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So that's what I focus on with my clients is helping them understand where trauma is creating

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blocks in them.

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Are they recognizing a tendency to fight, fight, freeze, fawn in kind of the stress response?

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And if they are to understand how to utilize simple techniques that will reduce that stress

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level so that they are able to start stepping forward again?

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That's great.

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So can you share with our listeners some of these techniques that you're speaking of?

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Yeah, certainly.

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So some of them are ones that you develop over a longer term so that you're having fewer

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of these outside stress responses, but for short term.

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In the moments when you're in that immediate stress response, one of the first things that

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I teach to do is it's simple.

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It's one breath, one thing.

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What that looks like is you feel yourself stressing up, you feel your body tensing out.

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Okay, take a moment, close your eyes if you want.

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And breathe in through your nose usually four or five, six seconds.

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However long you can make it go.

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You can hold it for a couple of seconds and then let it out as slowly as possible.

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And by the time you're done with that, you may not be fully out of that stress reaction

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out of that alarm reaction as I like to call it, but you're certainly at a lower state

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in that stress perspective.

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And then immediately do one task related to whatever that stressor is.

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And you get double benefits.

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One, you get that reduction of stress.

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But two, you actually get a little bit of a dopamine hit because you accomplished something.

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You've moved yourself, maybe it's a baby step, but one step closer to what you're trying

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to accomplish.

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So it's a simple technique that I like to get people started with.

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So breath work is a common technique that one breath, one idea.

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So is that like one of the top techniques, there's some other things that you use with

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your client.

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So mainly just breath work is there other things you could share?

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So it's the first thing that I teach.

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And it's the beginner slope.

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If you have experienced trauma in your past and are getting the anxiety or stress or panic

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responses that are common with a trauma survivor, you have to have some real quick, real quick

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hit techniques to be able to get yourself out of that in the short term.

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And think about it like somebody with asthma who uses an inhaler.

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This is your rescue inhaler, one breath, one thing.

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But as you know, to keep that asthma metaphor going, if you have asthma, you're also looking

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at how can I reduce the number of occurrences?

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How can I reduce the intensity?

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And that's where everything else is centered.

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That becomes a large number of techniques and changes that I recommend going through.

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However, the sequence and the actual techniques that are used will depend on the person, their

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background, their goals, what they're trying to accomplish, if that makes sense.

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Yeah, it makes a lot.

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For example, if you'd like.

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Yeah, that'd be great.

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So one of the things that I talk with my clients about is nutrition.

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And that sounds very basic boring.

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But for somebody who's experiencing a lot of anxiety, there are some real big physical

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benefits.

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So it's a long list.

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I'm just going to try and pick out a couple of areas.

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And one would be sugar.

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So blood sugar spikes.

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If you, if you're having a lot of sugar as either part of a meal or just as part of a snack,

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your blood sugar will go up.

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Okay, that's great at the moment that it's going up.

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Your body is going to do its best to utilize all that glucose in your body is energy.

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But you're not likely to use all of it.

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And so what happens is your body over-corrects and you go into what many people call a crash.

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When you're in that crash, you have brain fog.

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You can't think clearly.

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You're physically less able to move well.

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So just by doing that, you're creating a little bit more just by eliminating sugar or at

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least reducing it, you're reducing those spikes and crashes.

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You're going to be more even.

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Your body will adjust to a better, you will actually be in a better mood.

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If you think about, think about a kid on Halloween.

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They go out, they collect all the candy.

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They eat as much as they can of it.

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They're hyper for a half hour or whatever it is.

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Then they crash.

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They're not only tired.

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They're grumpy, they're cranky, they feel terrible.

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That kid's not going to be able to finish homework after doing that crash, right?

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Think about yourself in that same position.

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If you're eating sugar on a regular basis, drinking sugar, the same thing.

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That would be one example.

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A principle that I'd like to bring in.

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So where is reducing sugar is a tactic.

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The second one is a principle.

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And that's in creating space in four particular areas in your life.

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And when I mean space, I'll give you a couple examples on it.

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It's allowing yourself a little bit of a buffer or a little bit of wiggle room in these areas.

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So one area is going to be your time.

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One area is going to be emotions.

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One area is going to be mental and one area is going to be financial.

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So I'm going to hit it financial because it's a lot easier to understand.

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If you're running your personal finances on a day-to-day basis and your finances are

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always tight, the minute something unexpected happens, you will go into a stress response.

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Okay, you get an unexpected bill and you just finish paying your bills and there's not

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enough leftover.

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You don't have room in your credit cards and you're going to go into a panic.

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What am I going to do?

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Well, the panic is going to spill over to every other area of your life.

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You won't function as well doing whatever it is you were supposed to be doing that day.

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However, if you're that same person, you have a savings account.

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Maybe it's 5,000,000, 15,000, 100,000 in the bank that unexpected bill comes.

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Okay, that's fine.

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It's a bummer, but I can handle it.

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You don't get the same stress response and you're able to move on with your day.

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Now, most people who are living paycheck to paycheck aren't instantly able to build up

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of 5,000, 50,000 savings account quickly, but doesn't mean you don't do it.

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You work on it slowly and you work on various ways of eliminating things that may hit your

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cash flow so that you can start saving.

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So that's one application of this principle.

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Another might be time.

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Again, another easy one to understand.

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If you're running back-to-back meetings all day, you don't have time to react when something

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unexpected comes up.

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In fact, you're probably really not running optimally anyway because oftentimes after a meeting,

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it's a whole process, what was talked about, take notes, any action items afterward.

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You have no room for that.

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And again, some new tasks comes in, you just don't have time.

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Now if you're creating a buffer, even by having 5 minute blocks at the end of each meeting,

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it's still a lot more meetings that I personally prefer, but that 5 minutes can be enough to

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give you time to relax, to take the on notes, take a minute and look at the agenda of the

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next meeting, for a purpose, so that you can at least reposition yourself.

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If that time is a two hour block where you have time to decompress, a lunch, chat with

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a colleague or a family member or friend, that's even more beneficial.

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It creates space.

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And like I mentioned, emotional and mental space is also super important.

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Yeah, I love it.

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I think, you know, when I think of trauma, everybody has some form of trauma.

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Some is greater than others.

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And I think of it like a muscle as well, right?

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So we all, you know, we are going to go through some form of challenge in our life.

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And I think kind of what you were saying at the beginning is learning how to deal with it

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through, like you were mentioning, breath work or other tools.

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And I look at it like a muscle as well.

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So you need to practice doing the breath work and getting, you know, the right nutrition

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that's going to keep you with the same blood levels.

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And then just creating space in your life.

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Absolutely.

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I think those are great points.

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And when we take trauma and we layer on kind of goals, so getting to really your goals,

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if we, if we talk about trauma and layer in some key components of goal setting, what do

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you talk to your clients about?

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So there may be a goal, tying it back to nutrition is to lose weight.

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But they have gone through a lot of trauma with their help.

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How do you help them achieve the goal that they're doing after?

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How, while working with them on any traumatic things they've been through?

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Yeah, so that's a really good question.

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Well, as when it comes to goals, one of the first things that I asked my clients to do is

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I asked them to list out their goals.

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And it brings up something interesting.

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It's usually a long list.

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There's something around health, maybe several around health.

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There's going to be something around financial, something around careers, something around,

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maybe they run a business and they have seven goals that they are trying to achieve.

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Somebody who's gone through trauma will not have the bandwidth to be able to attack that

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many goals all of once.

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And so gently, I work with them to pair down their list of goals to preferably one to three.

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And one to take the time to help them focus on those one to three goals for a period of time.

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That's one that's creating emotional space, mental space.

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So we're back to that area again.

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The other thing to think about is when you have that many goals, you're not going to be able

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to achieve them because there's just not enough time of the day, not enough bandwidth or

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money.

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And if you fail as a trauma survivor, you're going to end up usually bullying yourself a

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bit or beating yourself up and maybe a bit is understanding it.

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You're traumatizing yourself again.

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So it becomes a vicious loop by trying to aspire too much at a time.

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And if you think about it, the people who are the top performers in their field, they typically

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they typically have a narrow focus.

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I mean, you think of say a basketball player, a golfer.

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I mean, people who come to mind, you know, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, you have, you know,

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in business, you, I mean, you might have an Elon Musk, but he's probably kind of the

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exception to the examples since he's in everything, but I'll just take Tiger Woods for a second

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during his primary golf career.

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What was he doing?

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He was playing golf.

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He was playing golf.

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He would work on his fitness so that he could play golf.

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He'd work on his mindset so that he could play golf.

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He wasn't trying to accomplish a million different things.

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Sure, he probably had people working with him on his finances and, you know, just various

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areas of life, but he's outspossing a lot of that so that he could focus in on his golf.

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That's how he got so good.

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So if you're a trauma survivor, you're not going to have any more bandwidth in your life

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than Tiger Woods did.

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So put it into perspective and narrow down the number of goals that you're focusing on.

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Then when it's narrow, then you can start to lay out steps that it takes to get to those

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goals and work on those steps, the tasks underneath those.

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And if you don't have a million different things competing for your time and intention, you've

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created the space, you're able to get through those tasks or practice or, you know,

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whatever it is that's going to get you to what you're trying to attain.

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Yeah, I would absolutely agree.

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I think a lot of times as a type A person, I'm guilty of setting a lot of goals in various

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different buckets.

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But when I'm setting goals, I think something that I do very well is set some that are,

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you know, achievable.

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So I'm achieving things and some that are more stretch goals that may need to go to the

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next year.

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I know subtle different people I mentor, I always tell them like if your goal is January

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and you're trying to lose weight and you need to lose a hundred pounds, start with ten

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pounds first and then, you know, ratchet up the number.

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Don't start with that large number right out of the gate because as we know through, you

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know, all the historical data, gyms usually by the end of February, people are no longer

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going to the gym and they're, you know, back sitting on the couch and not moving their

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body.

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So I absolutely agree with what you said is setting goals that you can focus on and make

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them in a way that there's some that you can check off where it's not going to trigger

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or retraumatize you that you're not achieving with goals that you set out to do.

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So I love that.

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I want to switch gears a bit and talk about, you know, being empathetic when it comes to

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people that have gone through really challenging things maybe they lost a spouse or, you

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know, they've lost a job and they're trying to get back in the marketplace.

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How does that show up for people if you've gone through, you know, very traumatic thing you've

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lost your last two jobs and you start a new job and, you know, your mindset is sometimes

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that, oh my gosh, I hope I don't lose this job.

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How do you retrain people to really focus on the future not so much on past trauma or what

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they were or what has happened to them?

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So I'm going to dodge your question a little bit just to be fair.

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When it comes to somebody, I'm going to use your specific example, but I'm going to put

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on steroids, said, lost a job or two.

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I've lost five through corporate cutbacks in my past.

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And I think when it gets to that point, it's kind of that adage the definition of insanity

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is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

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I think oftentimes if we are putting ourselves in a position where we are, I guess, tied

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to corporate interests and it's disproportionately tied, they need us as resources.

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We need them for our entire livelihood.

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I think when we're in that position, we need to be looking out for what our situation is.

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And we need to be more than we are for the company.

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Now, I want to make sure that this doesn't come off the wrong way because that could often

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sound like quite quitting or lack of integrity at work and that's not what I mean at all.

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It's that as an employee, if you're getting a paycheck, which is, this is the characteristic

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we're describing, if you're getting a paycheck, you have to understand that your app will

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employ.

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That means that house of cards could come crashing in any moment.

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And if you remember that financial buffer we were talking about, that's where that becomes

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helpful so that you can have yourself in the mindset that, okay, I could lose this job.

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I've been working there for five years and there's kind of riding on the wall and going

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on.

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And the next day the headlines come out 10% of XYZ company is being laid off and you can

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say, all right, well, I prepare for it.

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And in fact, my first layoff, I was actually prepared for it.

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I had been doing side work.

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I was in IT at the time.

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And I'd been doing side work as an IT consultant for small businesses.

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Doing it during off hours.

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And I had built up enough business that it didn't necessarily cover my entire monthly need.

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But it was fairly close.

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My soon to be future boss was crying as she was letting me go.

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And I was just saying, I'll be okay.

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I had built up a buffer in cash flow.

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So winding forward, the more those that hit, the less buffer you're able to hold on to.

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And it does become this repeated financial trauma, a recession hits or a personal thing

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happens.

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And suddenly that financial is the term house of cards quite a bit.

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And suddenly that comes crashing in.

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To me, that's where it's super critical for each person to be building in the space in

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their lives, the financial, the time, the emotion, the mental space because things will happen.

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Things that we don't prefer will happen.

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There's even a mindset space that you can build in.

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I hear it referred to as rather than having attachment to an outcome, have a preference.

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And then if your preference doesn't come into play, it's okay.

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I was an attached to it.

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And you're able to move forward.

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So the time, the time when you have to think about these things is one, before you get laid

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off or before that big thing happens.

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And two, taking care of yourself once it has happened.

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Now once you get that next job is you were kind of the direction you were going, once you

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get that next job.

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Usually it comes with kind of a burst of enthusiasm and a sense of, okay, we're back on track.

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And it's usually an easier time to go through.

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But that's also again when you need to continue to look at building that space.

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Now do you ever work out, let's say you're setting a goal or it would just stick with the

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job?

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Do you ever work out worst case scenarios where, okay, what if I lose a new job or I lose

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my new job?

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What's the worst case scenario?

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I'll do things like what could be the worst case situation with whatever the situation is.

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And a lot of times I find that what I think is the worst case situation isn't really that

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bad after all.

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So what if you lose your job?

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You find a new job and what if you lose that job?

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You find your next job.

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And I think sometimes it's really, you know, a mindset as well in being comfortable with

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the challenges or, I don't want to use the word trauma, but the challenges that come up

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in life, because there's going to be challenges and there's going to be setbacks.

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And then the day that you think you have everything organized, then, you know, maybe there's

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a recession or the COVID pandemic happens.

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And so I think kind of what you were saying is preparing yourself for what if you lose your

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job.

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And like preparing for savings account, save some of your money.

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What other things are you interested if you do lose your job?

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Maybe you wanted to take that vacation or drive to a different city or, you know, paint

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whatever those things that you sell do.

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Oh, when I retire or, you know, all these things that are on our bucket list or our to-do

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list.

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And so just kind of in closing some final thoughts or any other tools that you want to share

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with our listeners that they could use in working through trauma and obstacles in their

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life.

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Yeah.

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So, I think one thing that I would land on in terms of a wrap up but new thought is the

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idea of what are the goals that we're setting and are the ones that are truly meaningful

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for us.

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Because I think, particularly after the recession or particularly after COVID, culturally,

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I think we had the sense of lack of fulfillment, I mean, culturally, most people, just observationally,

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at least.

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And if we look at a lot of the goals that people are setting, you know, it's that lose 10 or

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hundred pounds or it's that promotion or, you know, reaching X amount in sales or maybe

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it's, hey, I just want a new car or a different house.

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Those are the goals a lot of people are setting.

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But if you look at how that impacts or doesn't impact as the case may be your fulfillment,

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it becomes a treadmill that we get ourselves on, setting these goals, getting them or not.

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And when we do get them, that's the peak of the happiness.

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It just tapers down hope from there, which is kind of a sad state.

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And so I try to encourage goals around things that bring fulfillment.

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And there's also some of the tactics that or principles that I'm teaching as a coach.

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So some of them are community just being part of a tribe, contributing back into the tribe,

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doing things that you might want to call altruistic or selflessly.

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That brings fulfillment.

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Getting into places where you have a sense of awe, some people do it through religious or

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spiritual practices, some it's getting into nature, but it's understanding that we're

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one of, right now, eight billion or so people on this earth and we're one of maybe trillions

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of creatures on this earth.

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And we're just this little part.

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And it's actually a fulfilling sense to know, look, there's so much more.

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So working with clients who in a way that helps them get into that sense of fulfillment rather

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than that sense of simply hustle, achievement, accomplishment that's temporary.

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Yeah, that's very well said.

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I would absolutely agree.

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So I'm back to the car example, you buy the car and then to your point, you're like, okay,

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I got the car.

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Now I want a new house and then you get the house and now I want to, whatever the next thing

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is.

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And I think you have a really good point there is leaning into things and paying it forward,

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which is funny enough Matt.

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That's why I started this podcast is to pay it forward.

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And so this is my gift to the world with my network.

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And I think you're spot on with leaning into things that give back and give into because

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materialistic things like you said, it's only a temporary, you know, high and then eventually

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over time, the car, the brand new car feel goes away.

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So I love and I think that's a fantastic point.

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And any other final thoughts or anything you want to share before we close up?

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Yeah, I'll share one more thing.

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So getting back to the trauma, I know some people may not really know what to think of their

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background.

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Do I have trauma?

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Do you know, was it really trauma or was it really having an impact?

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I created a quick assessment that I'd like to share to your listeners if they're interested.

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They can just text the word assessment to the number three, three, seven, seven, seven.

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And it'll come out to you by email.

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It'll let you walk through a set of questions to help you understand whether trauma is having

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an impact on you and to what degree?

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And certainly if it's appointed enough at you, I would highly recommend reach out.

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There's a link at the bottom of that assessment.

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It goes to my calendar.

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I don't have a calendar.

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I'd love to talk with you about it.

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And then lastly, I also speak at organizations, events, and if anybody is listening is interested,

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they can reach out to me at info@questfold.life.

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Thank you so much for being here today, Matt.

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And thank you so much for sharing your time.

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And that's the Executive Connect podcast.

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