Hello and welcome to Dear grief guide.
A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost, stuck,
heartbroken or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.
My name is Shelby Fercitya.
I'm a grief coach and author and I'm here to help you create a life you love from the
life lost forced you to live.
Let's get to today's letter.
Dear grief guide, I'll get right to it.
How does anyone get anything done while they're grieving?
I'm struggling so hard with grief hijacking my focus and motivation, especially during
what's becoming a complex and painful divorce.
And just when I thought I was making progress and beginning to find my way again, I received
devastating news that a friend I've been trying to reach all week passed away from an
any aneurysm.
I am absolutely crushed.
Now more than ever, it feels like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back.
No, make it ten steps back.
No matter how hard I try, my motivation to do anything is gone.
The emotional toll of divorce and the grief of losing a friend have left me feeling overwhelmed
and drained.
It's like I'm stuck in a fog unable to see away forward, much less begin to move in
that direction.
In addition to struggling with focus and motivation, my sleep has been severely affected, making
it even more difficult to cope with the challenges life throws my way.
The constant exhaustion only adds to my sense of despair and hopelessness.
Some days I feel like I may never dig my way out of this hole.
I'm desperate for any advice or guidance on how to improve my focus, regain motivation
and get better sleep amidst the turmoil of divorce and grief.
Many thoughts or suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated, sincerely going
nowhere fast.
Okay, going nowhere fast.
This is a hard one, not because the content of your question is hard.
How do I get better sleep?
How do I regain focus and motivation after loss?
That's a question I'm going to answer.
This is a hard one because what's happening in your world is largely seemingly out
of your control.
I'm not sure about the circumstances of your divorce, but definitely the death of your
friend, someone that you love and so suddenly too.
I was trying to reach them all week and then they died.
That is so shocking and jarring to everything, your nervous system, your body, your mind,
your heart, your spirit, your emotional state, any progress you could be making at work.
I imagine it's a lot like I often tell the story with my mother's death, but like a record
player that lives in your head of they died, they died, they died, they died, they died.
No matter what you try and focus on or what you try and watch on TV or what you try and
buy the grocery store, the record's always playing.
It may not be in the foreground of your brain or your heart.
It may be in the background, but it's always there and it's like life and fate and loss
dropped the needle on that record and you do not have the power to lift that needle back
up and stop the record from playing.
It is on permanent repeat.
I'm hope I'm okay making a record reference.
Does everyone know what records are in this day and age?
But yeah, it's like on endless loop.
You do not have control.
You do not have certainty.
You do not have, as we talked about in the last episode, you live in a world where anything
can happen at any time to anyone.
And that's very scary.
I can see why.
It makes so much sense to me.
Why?
You are unable to find motivation or focus or sleep.
I want to start with sleep because if you can get even a half hour to an hour more of sleep
than you're getting right now per night, it will change your life.
It sounds very bare bones basic, but it's true.
Sleep is so crucial to our existence in general, but especially when we're grieving.
It helps our bodies chill the hell out.
It helps our brains catalog and process.
What has happened?
Unconsciously, we don't need to participate with that, which is a gift of grief.
Thank goodness I don't have to participate in the filing process of my brain while I'm
grieving.
And it helps our hearts.
Should we dream?
Should we be connected to the people we've lost or what we want if we have the blessing
of having good dreams after a loss?
So I definitely want to start with sleep hygiene and these things are so easily Googleable
I know you can find them yourself, but I'll say them here again just in case there's
anything on this list that you haven't tried.
So first, if you have the ability to have a consistent bedtime, do it, it may feel like
you're treating yourself like a kid again, but we all become children in some way.
And my factor of loss we need taking care of in the way that dependent creatures need taking
care of.
So treat yourself like a pet or like a child and give yourself a consistent bedtime.
I know for me, I set an alarm on my phone to to attempt to go to bed and it's helped a
lot at just reminding me that it's okay to put the day down and go as my wife says, be
flat.
Be horizontal, enter horizontal mode.
The next thing, of course, I'll suggest is really popular advice these days is no screens.
I know that especially when you're grieving a comfort TV show or a podcast like this one,
thank you for all of you who are listening out there who trying to sleep or a video or something
can often be the thing that helps you sleep but as much as possible if you can keep the
audio on but turn the screen off.
Up to ideally an hour before you go to sleep.
This is something I'm not super great at where I'm always working to get better, but even closer
to my grief.
I loved watching videos on YouTube to go to sleep of just people doing quiet things, shuffling
papers, stamping books.
Somehow the noise of somebody else doing something gentle in the same room as me was comforting.
But I realized that I would fall asleep pretty quickly so I didn't need to look at the
video.
I could just listen to it and so I got a Bluetooth speaker.
And so connecting my phone to a speaker and leaving the phone in one room and taking the
speaker with me to the bedroom, that shifted my reliance or need for screen.
And so there was no distracting or obtrusive blue light in my space, which I think is what
a lot of people say disrupts our ability to naturally fall to sleep.
If you've got a little money to spend or if you have friends and family that want to
take care of you, get some new bedding and pillows.
Make your bed the most tempting place in your house.
Make it just the place you want to be all the time better than the couch, better than your
desk, better than the kitchen, better than the dining room table, better than the bonus
room or whatever.
The layout of your house looks like if you can make your bed the most tempting, most comfortable,
most luxurious place to be, it makes going to sleep so much easier.
So things like bedding and pillows, which I mentioned, perhaps a weighted blanket, perhaps
a blackout curtains, perhaps a humidifier if the room is too dry, perhaps a fan if the room
is too hot, sleep masks are great, ear plugs are great.
I got to tell you the best purchase I ever made in adulthood was an electric mattress pad.
My parents had one growing up in the wintertime.
They would it had hers, his and hers controls on the side of the bed.
They would turn on the electric mattress pad on either side of the bed and essentially
pre-heat the bed before they got into it, like a massage table.
And oh my god, my sister and I in the winter did not want to leave that bed and go upstairs
to our own.
And as soon as I became an adult and I had my own spending money, I was like, I am pre-heating
the bed for the rest of my life.
And it makes it feel so exciting to go get in the bed and lay down.
And I, because I'm cold all the time, my feet are cold, my hands are cold.
Almost every part of me is cold all the time when I'm home, especially as the day winds
down.
And so knowing that I can have a hot shower and then go to a hot bed is so nice, is so calming
and comforting to my whole nervous system.
I'm not shocking myself with more cold at a time when all I want to do is be comfortable.
So if you have the money to spend or if you have those people who are pestering, how can
I help anything I can do for you, blah, blah, blah.
Something you might ask of the people around you is, as I don't need you to bring me a meal.
But I've been really struggling with sleep lately and I think these pillowcases would
be a great thing for my sleep.
I'd love to have a new place to rest my head.
Or I'm really trying to make sleep a priority.
Could you pitch in for a sleep mask or a new comforter or something that would make
the process of, could you help me hang blackout curtains in my bedroom?
Maybe if you don't even have those hung, maybe that's a great place to start.
Could you help me buy a rug?
So I'm not putting my feet on cold floor before getting into bed.
New set of PHAs, whatever it may be.
I know this is the part of grief support that can cost money.
So as much as you can, asking the people around you for help, even if they just go on the
shopping trip with you, even if they're not buying it for you, but they go on the shopping
trip for you.
They help you make the bed.
They help you wash the sheets for the first time so you don't have to think about doing
laundry while you're grieving.
Anything where people are like, how can I help?
And you can say, I'm struggling with my sleep.
Maybe subscription to a meditation app.
I'm not sure.
Or you can find things like this podcast and other wind downs and talk downs and meditations
for free on a service like Insight Timer.
There are so many ways that you can ask the people around you to help, help you sleep,
help you cope.
As you've very clearly pointed to this being one of the number one high priority struggles
you have in your grief right now.
Beyond sleep.
Here's what I want to tell you in terms of motivation and focus.
These are things that often go missing when you're grieving through no fault of your own.
It's a part of grief when our bodies shift from make progress mode to try to survive mode,
focus and motivation disappear because so much of the brain's priority is in the present.
How do I take care of this being that is at such a high stress level right now?
And when our stress goes down, then we're able to expand our view gradually, gradually
until we can include the future, whether the future's next week or five years from now.
And that's that helps with motivation being able to see beyond today.
That it makes sense that you're not able to see beyond today or tomorrow or maybe three
days from now as far as your brain can go.
And that's that makes so much sense when you're grieving.
So something that I've taught a lot of previous clients before and something I often do for
myself in seasons of overwhelm or stress or just feeling unfocused or unmotivated is making
a list.
And so taking a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle and on one side, right,
have to do and then on the other side, right, could do.
And on have to do very obvious, what do you have to do today?
What must you accomplish before the end of the day?
These could be things like work deadlines that are due today.
They could be eating, sleeping, having an app.
They could be things like feeding or caring for children, pets, parents, family members
that you were a caregiver for could be brushing your teeth.
What is it that you must do in order to continue to exist and continue to take care of any
obligations that you've made commitments to that you must get done and everything else
goes in the other column.
Everything else goes in the could do list.
Maybe you don't have to grocery shop today.
Maybe there's a work deadline you can kick the can down the road two weeks.
Maybe there's a friend or a neighbor you could meet up for coffee with tomorrow or next
week or next month.
What can you hit this news button on that does not have to be a priority for today.
And I get that this makes your view of the world extremely small.
It takes your focus from here's the great expense of my day to here's what I must do to
survive.
Very small list oftentimes often less than five or 10 things when before I imagine going
nowhere fast that your list included 10 15 20 50 things in a day easily easily.
And there is grief in that having to change as a result of loss but giving yourself permission
to only do the half-tos takes the pressure of expectation off of your shoulders of needing
to get it all done.
And allows you to feel more accomplished when you do get the entire half-tool list done
and have the energy some days to do things that you could do that are more optional.
Maybe you do go to the grocery store.
Maybe you do have coffee with that friend.
Maybe you do take a walk around the block.
Not mandatory for your survival but oh my goodness starting to do things from the could
do less more consistently.
That's a great indicator of you entering a place of less stress and less overwhelm and
moving into a place where your focus and motivation are returning.
I can't tell you how long that process takes of just doing the half-tos to doing the half-tos
and the could do's.
It could be a few weeks it could be a few months it could be a few years depending on how
stressful your life continues to be it sounds like you were in a great season of stress
right now but what I can tell you is you will not be relegated to the half-tos do's forever.
That will not be a limitation that you carry for the rest of your life.
There will come a day when you complete the half-tos and joyfully have the energy for
the could do list as well.
The last thing I want to say is that I would like you to grieve motivation.
In addition to all the things you're grieving right now, grieve motivation as a component
of yourself, your identity, your life, however it most resonates to you.
You could do this by writing a letter to motivation.
You could do this by just having a conversation with it out loud whether through voice note or
not recorded.
You could create a ritual for grieving and releasing motivation, maybe putting away or
pausing things that contributed to your motivation such as putting a planner, a weekly planner,
in a drawer for a little while.
Maybe you don't need to plan everything out because there's not a whole lot to plan for
right now.
You're just surviving and that's okay.
Maybe it's turning off in alarm clocks.
You're not pressing yourself to get up so early to get everything done.
Whatever it may be, how can you show yourself that you are grieving motivation through a
letter through call through ritual?
And then conversely, just as we've talked about in episode 11, you can also write a letter
or create a ritual or have some sort of conversation with motivation of, "I hope you will return.
I hope I'll see you again soon."
Or "I know I'll see you again soon.
I just don't know when."
And to grieve motivation, to grieve what you used to have, what your life used to look
like the ways you used to think and focus and drive forward into the future, grieve that.
Because it seems to me from the way you write it is and was a crucial part of your identity
and in this letter, in this ritual, in this conversation you have with motivation, offer
it hope that it will return.
I hope to see you again.
I hope you'll come back.
I will always save a place for you.
I look forward to the next time we run into each other.
I can't wait for you to be a part of my life again to just issue that sort of energy or
that sort of invitation to motivation, even if it can't be there for you right now.
Is such a beautiful way to reminding yourself emotionally and psychologically that it's
possible for something that you lose to come back, at least when it comes to your identity.
Of course, we cannot resurrect your marriage.
Of course, we cannot resurrect your friend.
One of the hardest parts of grief is that death makes everything feel permanent, including
the loss of who we are, our identity, something like motivation.
But something that we often forget or can't see right away in grief is that sometimes
the things we lose can come back to us, especially when it comes to identity.
I've worked with so many grieving people who are mourning the loss of creativity, the loss
of feeling safe in the world, the loss of joy, the loss of wonder.
And because their deaths have been so permanent, the deaths of people they love in their life
have been so permanent.
There's this illusion that the deaths of who they are are permanent as well, that they
will never be creative again, that they will never feel in joy again, that they will
never know wonder.
But what we can do as we grieve these elements of ourselves we can no longer be is also issue
them an invitation to come back to us.
Or just let them know that we are excited to see them again, that we hope they'll return,
that we'll always leave the door open to them when they're ready to come back.
And granted, they may come back looking different.
They may come back in new clothes.
This motivation will be wearing a new outfit because your motivation will now be informed
by grief and stress and overwhelm of this most upheaval time of your life.
But I do have faith that for you going nowhere fast, it will return.
In the meantime, though, find, create as many ways to get rest as you possibly can, because
every ounce of sleep you yet will contribute to that return of focus, that return of hope.
Make that have to do could do list that is so incredibly helpful and grounding when
you're grieving.
Like what do I got to do to get through this day?
What can I put off to tomorrow, but could be optional for today?
Should I have the energy and grief motivation?
Grieve it and also invite it to return.
And then just be on the lookout for it for all the ways it might appear, reappear in your
life again.
I know it will and I know your love of focus and motivation and having that be so true
to you.
We'll call it back to you.
Thank you so much for writing it to me today.
That's all for this episode of Dear Grave Guide.
Thank you so much for joining me today.
If you're feeling lost, stuck, heartbroken or overwhelmed in the midst of your own grief,
check out my free workshop Grow Through Grave.
Free ways to stop feeling stuck and start moving forward.
I'll give you three easy, actionable tools for navigating life after loss and show you
how you can create peace, stability and compassion right there in the middle of grief's confusion
and uncertainty.
You can find the workshop link in the show notes.
If this podcast helped you feel a little less alone in your grief, please subscribe and
leave a review on Apple podcasts, Spotify or wherever you're listening.
And be sure to share Dear Grave Guide with a friend because you'll never know what someone
you love is going through.
You can submit your anonymous letter for the show and find additional grief support at
shelbyforsitia.com.
Music for Dear Grave Guide is performed by Eddie Goldstein, editing by Ruth Spence of
Celebio.
Until next time, I see you.
I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world and I love you because even
through grief, we are growing.
Music for Dear Grave Guide is performed by Eddie Goldstein, editing by Eddie Goldstein.