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When you've experienced a loss, chances are there is a single date or a few dates on your calendar that stand out from all the others.

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It may very well be the day that a person or a pet died.

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It may be the day a divorce was finalized or a breakup happened or the day that you've got a diagnosis that changed everything about your life.

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It may constantly exist as this like glaring,

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oncoming traffic sign in your brain, looming larger as it approaches and still visible in your mental rearview mirror once it passes,

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or you might forget about this day the rest of the year, but maybe your body feels it coming.

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Even before you consciously register, oh my god it's spring or oh my god the holidays are here again.

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None of this is a coincidence. It is a grief anniversary.

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So if you have ever wondered how to honor a grief date or even if you are allowed to make a big deal out of a day that may only be meaningful

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to you and to your grief, I will show you six specific and practical ways to acknowledge a grief date no matter what type of loss you're honoring.

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And I will also give you some tips for scaling your ritual up and down depending on how much time, energy or money you have available to you in that given year.

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[Music]

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Hi there grief growers. I am so grateful to be here with you today as always.

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If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back and if you are new to me and my work.

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Hello, my name is Shelby for Scythia. I am a grief coach, a three time author and the founder of Life After Loss Academy,

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which is an online support group that has helped dozens of grieving people stop feeling lost, stuck, broken and alone,

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and start building lives that they genuinely love from the lives that lost forced them to live.

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This includes of course not only death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup,

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major diagnosis and every other loss that changes your life.

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Here on grief grower we believe that grief is not something to get over.

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It is something that we grow with and alongside and that when we stop treating grief like a problem to be solved

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and start treating it like an invitation to live more deeply,

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we create meaningful lives that are rich with the memories that we carry and the struggles we faced

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and the preciousness of what it is to be alive right here and right now.

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Today on the show I want to answer one of the most common questions that I see from griefers all over the freaking internet,

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which is how do I honor a grief anniversary? What do I do on a death day, a birthday and anniversary?

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And I'm going to offer a twist on this because on grief grower and across all of my work,

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I'm insistent on honoring what I call the three D's, death, divorce and diagnosis and more.

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So these grief anniversary practices or rituals are things that you can do not just for death-related losses,

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but for losses of all stripes and flavors.

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Because when you've experienced a loss, chances are odds are I will take a bet and a gamble

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that there is a single date or a few dates on your calendar that stand out from all the others.

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It may very well be the day that a person or a pet died.

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It may be the day a divorce was finalized or a breakup happened or the day that you've got a diagnosis

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that changed everything about your life.

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Maybe it's the day that you were fired from a job or signed papers that ended a job or were let go

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because a company went under or maybe it's the day that a friendship ended or the day that you got

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the news that a version of your life that you dreamed of could never come to pass.

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Whatever the date is on your calendar, I hope you're holding one or a few in your mind as you

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listen to this episode. It may constantly exist as this like glaring,

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oncoming traffic sign in your brain, looming larger as it approaches and still visible in your

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mental rearview mirror once it passes. Or if you're like other grievers that I know you might

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forget about this day, the rest of the year, but maybe your body feels it coming.

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Even before you consciously register, oh my god it's spring or oh my god the holidays are here again.

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Perhaps your sleep gets weird or your patience gets short. Maybe you realize what time of year it is

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while you are standing in the serial aisle of the grocery store wondering why you suddenly feel

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like crying and you're like, oh shit, that date is here again. None of this is a coincidence.

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It is a grief anniversary. So if you have ever wondered how to honor a grief date or even if you

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are allowed to make a big deal out of a day that may only be meaningful to you and to your grief,

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I want you to know that however you feel about your grief date is valid, no matter how much time

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has gone by and whether this loss involved a death or not. So today on the show I'm going to define

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what is a grief anniversary. I call them grief dates, but you can also call them grief

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anniversaries and how to pinpoint your own grief dates on the calendar. I will also talk about why

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grief anniversaries are not just about death and why it matters to honor our non-death grief

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anniversaries. I will show you six specific and practical ways to acknowledge a grief date no

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matter what type of loss you're honoring and I will also give you some tips for scaling your ritual

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up and down depending on how much time, energy or money you have available to you in that given

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year because Lord knows our years are changing based on what's going on in the world and in our own

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lives. And at the very end of this episode I'm going to tell you where you can get the complete list

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of grief date ideas plus a printable calendar that you can use to plan for every grief date that you

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carry so you are not caught by surprise the next time this grief date rolls around. So let's go

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first things first and start with what the heck is a grief anniversary. Simply put, a grief

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anniversary is any recurring date that is tied to a loss one that tends to stir up grief no matter

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how much time has passed or whether anyone else is choosing to honor that day with you. You might

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be perpetually aware of a grief date again kind of like a neon sign coming towards you and bracing

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for it every year and breathing a sigh of relief when it finally passes and you get another 365 days

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before you see it again or you might be so swept up in your life or in other losses or in world

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events to notice that a grief date is coming and be caught off guard when it arrives. Regardless

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of how aware you are of a grief date or a grief anniversary the result is the same. This date on

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the calendar has a griefy impact on you. And this is the part of the show where I want to talk about

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why honoring non-death grief anniversaries are important to because most podcast episodes

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your grief resources about grief dates focus entirely on death-related losses and death-related

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anniversaries absolutely deserve attention their birthday their death day and anniversary of your

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relationship beginning. The day you got their diagnosis something of that nature these are often

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some of the hardest days of the year for people who are grieving a loss due to death. But if you have

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lived through a divorce a breakup a life altering diagnosis a strange miscarriage lay off any other

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major life transition you probably also have dates on your calendar or seasons in your calendar

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that ache or feel stressful in a very similar way even though no obituary was written for that loss

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or no public funeral was held to memorialize the relationship or the dream or the life that was

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taken from you. I learned this the hard way after my fiance at the time suddenly broke off our

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engagement in May of 2017 this was three years after my mom died that grief dates do not limit themselves

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to death-related losses they show up for all kinds of heartbreaks in May is one of my most griefy

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months of the year that has only compounded my best friend died from COVID in May my cat died in May

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may is just like a really hard month for me personally to be alive but one of the dates that I honor

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in that month is this breakup and through more than a decade of working with grieving people I have

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watched people carry equally weighty anniversary feelings around relationships that ended or bodies

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that changed or jobs that terminated or futures that didn't happen with almost nowhere to put that

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grief because our society barely acknowledges that they exist. So within my online course life after

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loss academy and through working with grievers for more than a decade I have named distinctly five

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types of grief dates grief anniversaries and most people are carrying more than one of them at once

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the categories I'll admit they're a little bit clunky and imperfect but see how these five specific

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categories of grief dates help you recognize and like bring an awareness to how much of your calendar

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contains grief anniversaries the first category of grief dates are endings this is probably the

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most obvious one and they are most often in society recognized as the death of a person but endings can

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also be the day a marriage legally concluded or the day a breakup happened the day you left a job

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or were fired the day you moved out of a state or a country or the day that you received a diagnosis

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that changed your future essentially this day marks that one chapter of your life ended in an

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impactful way and it is a signifier an annual reminder that something ended something was lost

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the second type of grief date is a beginning these are often the birthdays of someone you care

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about who died they might be a gacha day or the day you adopted a pet who later died the day a

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relationship started that had since ended these dates are signifiers of a chapter of your life beginning

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that are somehow related to a loss and if it resonates you can also include your own birthday even

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though you are so alive as a beginning date of sorts because every year that goes by every

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birthday that you have begins another 365 days of living with your losses a new

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the third category of grief dates are anniversaries these are recurring personal dates like a

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wedding anniversary or relationship anniversary or something like a sobriety day something that

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carries complex layers of grief and happens every year it's not necessarily beginning it's not

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necessarily an ending but it's something that happens every year so for example i celebrate what

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i call a live day every year on March 31st 331 to commemorate the day in 2021 that i regained

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consciousness after a near death seizure i was grateful to be alive and also extremely awestruck

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at how close i had come to death it was also the first time i was hospitalized without my mom

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which came with its own feelings of longing and missing and griefyness so every single year i

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mark a live day to remember the preciousness of life and the ever presentness of death

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the fourth type of grief date are holidays these might be more obvious to a lot of people because

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grievers are like i'm dreading the holidays coming up these are culturally or societally recognized

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days like mother's day graduation season father's day christmas hannaka quanza luter new year valentine's

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day easter de wali eed back to school season rasha shana halloween dea dimwara tofs or any other

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religious or societal or cultural observance that feels significant with regard to your grief these

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are larger recognized dates that also fold in grief in some way and they can get exponentially

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griefier when you have a loss of your own that's something that the world is celebrating in its own

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way but you may have a griefy or a mourning attachment to the fifth category of grief dates

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is what i call dates of knowing these are not applicable for everyone but they are true for some

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grieving people and they include any day that you discovered or received information about a loss

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perhaps you are on the way to a loss or you were living in the aftermath of a loss so this could be

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the day a doctor gave you or loved one a prognosis that they were going to die but they were not dead

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yet so for example my family found out that my mom's cancer had returned in thanksgiving time ish

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2013 she did not die until the day after christmas so about a month later so this would be what i

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would consider like a date of knowing so around thanksgiving weekend is usually when i'm like oh this

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is a date of knowing this is a time of knowing this is a season of knowing on the way to a loss this could

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also be the day you discovered a partner's infidelity before a breakup or the day that you found out

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your company had been acquired and that layoffs were coming soon it's not necessarily that a loss had

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happened but something griefy happened on the way to a loss they can also happen dates of knowing

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in circumstances where you learn new or prospective shifting information about loss that has already

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happened so you might unearth records that show that a deceased family member for instance had a

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different ancestral lineage than they claimed or you might look back and recognize that symptoms from

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a current illness have been present all the way since your childhood and so there's this date of

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having more information having more knowing related to a loss that happened in the aftermath of a

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loss this can happen again before or after a loss actually happens think about these five categories

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of grief dates for your own life and once you sort them into these categories if you're like a lot

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of people in life after a loss academy my online support group you might realize that you are not

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dreading just one or two hard days every year you might be navigating five or six or perhaps dozens

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that are scattered across the calendar and each one deserves its own kind of attention and

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recognition so next let's cover some simple yet meaningful ways that you might consider honoring

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a grief date this is six ways to honor a grief anniversary what I want to like kind of save right

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out of the gate is that you do not need an elaborate plan to mark a grief date I think a lot of people

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on social media do the grief comparison thing where they're like wow they went to the park and

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released balloons or had a home memorial that candles with 14 other people are hosted a dinner

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this fancy restaurant bubble blah if you are like most aggrieving people that I work with you just need

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like a handful of options like a little rotating lazy Susan of options that you can reach for

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depending on your energy your loss and what feels true to you this specific year so I'm going to

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give you six of my clients and students favorite rituals to start with and I please feel free to make

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them your own the first one is to just light a candle and take a moment to pause this is the simplest

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ritual on the list and it's often really underrated because people feel like I'm doing anything I'm just

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lighting a candle but there is something so genuinely grounding about the ceremony of like placing

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a candle on a surface striking a match watching the flame catch and giving yourself permission to

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sit in front of it and just be next to it for even 30 to 60 seconds you do not have to do anything

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profound while the candle burns you can think about your person or your pet who died you can think

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about the relationship the diagnosis the job the version of yourself that existed before the loss

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you could if you wanted to add a little something you could say a prayer or hum a song or just

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breathe and like let your shoulders come down an inch and the only asterisk that I'll give for

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this one is please just use caution with open flame and never leave candles unattended a lot of

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people I do know for sure if you're not allowed to have candles in like a care home hospital or even

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your apartment you can totally like flick on an led candle or a special light that you only light

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for grief events and leave it lit for 30 60 seconds or an hour however long you'd like to do it

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and then turn it off when you're done and even that sort of opening and closing this lighting and

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dimming is a ritual all itself that you can tie in some way to your grief the second one in this

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list is to write a letter writing a letter on a grief anniversary is one of the most flexible

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tools available to you because it works for every single type of loss if your loss involved a person

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or pet who died you might write to them directly you could update them on your life you could tell

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them what you miss about them or ask questions that you never got to ask you might also make a list

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of things that you remember about them based on the five senses for example the smell of their favorite

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perfume or the sound of their voice if your loss was a divorce or a breakup you might write a letter

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to the version of yourself who first said yes to entering that relationship so like writing a

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letter to a past version of you you might write a petty airing of grievances that you can tear up

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or put in a paper shredder like that can be very cathartic if your loss was a diagnosis you might

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write to your body thanking it for what it is still carrying you through even on hard days or telling

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it what you miss about being able to do or feel or be here are some more ideas for letter writing

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that are related to a grief date you might recall in detail a significant memory that you cherish

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you might write about dreams or signs that you have already received or would like to receive in the

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future my friend Joshua Black who writes and speaks about grief dreams regularly he studied them

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for his like masters and then doctorate program these these he talks about the best way to have a

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grief dream is to write what you would like to happen in a grief dream and that activates your

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brain to think more about what it's bringing into your dreaming time and to do that consistently

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is a wonderful way to spark dreams pleasant dreams about loss experiences you might

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reflect on a loved ones impact on you or on losses impact on your life in general you might write

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about people who have been there for you as you grieve you might look back and comfort your inner

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child with words that they need to hear on this grief date in this moment or you might write to

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a public figure or celebrity who has had a positive impact on your grieving process what I want to

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say about writing a letter as a grief ritual on a grief date is that you don't have to send it

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you don't have to keep it either you might safely burn the letter after writing as its own small

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ritual of release you might put it in a drawer or a folder to reread next year and watch kind of how

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your words shift over time and this is a really neat way of measuring your personal growth through a

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grief or you might if accessibility is hard for you if it's hard for you to write or if that's not

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something you enjoy doing or if you're afraid of somebody finding it you can also record a voice

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memo and that is its own form of letter writing by speaking into the voice memo app on your phone

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or you could go old school like my mom and have a cassette tape recorder that can be erased later

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the third one is one that I do so often in my own life and so many grievers I know do as well because

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we all got to eat and that is to order or cook a special meal in honor of a grief anniversary what

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I love about this one is that food carries memory in a way that almost nothing else does there is so

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much sensory experience when it comes to food and again we all have to eat that food is one of the

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easiest unlockers of grief ritual on a grief date so maybe you and your person who died had a

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standing Sunday dinner or maybe your expaus always made a specific dish for your anniversary and

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reclaiming that recipe feels like taking something painful and making it yours or maybe during a

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hospital stay for a treatment related to a diagnosis a specific takeout order from that place down

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the street became a bright spot in an unbearable stretch of time in your life so on a grief

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anniversary or grief date for you whether that's an ending a beginning an anniversary a holiday

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or a date of knowing you might consider recreating a grief related meal you could order it if

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cooking feels like too much or choose something entirely new as a way of marking the day as its own

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occasion and if it feels right you could pour something to toast with whether that is alcoholic or

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non-alcoholic and you could even on an anniversary or your own birthday just make a toast or make a

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gesture to another year that you have survived with this loss or with these losses in tow so consider

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food consider drink consider dessert consider snacks like consider all the ways that foods related

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to your loss could come through for you on a grief date number four is related to movement which is

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one of my favorite ways to process loss and that is to take a walk with your loss in mind movement

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gives grief somewhere to go and a walk is one of the most accessible ways for most people to

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create that outlet you might go somewhere old and meaningful to you or you might go somewhere

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entirely new and move through it slowly noticing what your person or your former relationship or your

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former life might have noticed about that space maybe a parent who died would have pointed out that

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oddly shaped cloud maybe would your ex have complained about the parking would the healthier or

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not diagnosed version of your body have wanted to walk faster or further or without needing to stop

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and rest like just noticing what a person or pet who died may have noticed or noticing what

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former versions of you would have noticed is a way to honor your grief on a grief date you might

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go in another direction with walking and try playing grief ice by looking for signs and symbols related

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to your loss that means something to you you might also try taking what my friend and fellow grief

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author Lisa Kefavre calls a beauty walk which involves observing moments of beauty around you and

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you can go back in grief grow or insert Lisa and find our interview as she talks about beauty walks

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being a tool for getting herself back into her body after facing and dealing with the grief of

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breast cancer in addition to the grief of widowhood I will say if walking is not accessible to you

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this same idea translates into a slow drive or a bus ride or sitting outside somewhere sitting

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still but watching the world move around you it is really a practice in movement and noticing and

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you can be the thing that is moving through the world or you can sit still and watch the world move

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around you and honor on whatever grief date you are commemorating how the movement is happening

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or maybe what you notice in that movement number five is to immerse yourself in nature there's a

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reason that many grieving people instinctively go outside or go to nature on hard grief days nature

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does not ask you to perform anything or justify your grief or your emotions so whether you choose to

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hike or swim or sit on a park bench or visit a gravesite or stand in your backyard being outside on

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a grief anniversary can offer a sort of like living company that doesn't require the deeper

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conversations that grief often requires it is a similar practice in noticing to the walking

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you can look at cycles of life that are happening around you regardless of what season it is so you

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might notice new buds on a tree or a spider building a web or leaves falling off of a branch or

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packed snow on the ground there is often a strange sort of comfort in watching endings and beginnings

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happen in real time in the natural world on a day when you are dealing with and remembering and honoring

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your own griefy endings and beginnings it is also really really grounding for your nervous system

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to be a nature whether you are inundated with rain or surrounded by bird song or blooming flowers

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or snow or shifting sand or moving water like whatever kind of nature you can put yourself near

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it is beneficial for your nervous system especially when you're grieving the last one I'll give you

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in this episode number six is to wear something that connects you to your loss grief does not have to

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be invisible or confined to like the privacy of your home or to a couple of minutes ritual if you

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do not want it to be you might consider wearing a color that your person loved or always wore a

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piece of their jewelry if you have access to that or an item of clothing that still smells faintly

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like them if you are lucky enough to have again access to those items if your loss was a diagnosis

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or physical change you might choose an accessory that represents the body or the ability that you're

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grieving or the new one that you find yourself residing in if your loss was a relationship you might

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wear something that was always yours within that partnership sort of reclaiming that energy as

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your own or conversely you might wear something new that reminds you of your loss or ties back to it

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so for instance my best friend Tammy loved loved loved Valentine's Day Halloween and Valentine's Day

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were like her two favorite holidays of the year so every year on Valentine's Day sense her death I

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wear a pair of heart shaped like plastic earrings I would never wear them normally they're not my style

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but they remind me of her and to other people who see me wearing them they are just like a kitschy

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holiday accessory and to me they are a very cute symbol of our friendship and our love I think if

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she was still alive she would get a matching pair we'd wear them together there's a whole like

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belief system I have about these earrings and wearing them makes me feel closer to her they are

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an object I have acquired a piece of clothing I've acquired since her death that ties back still

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to my grief and so I wear them on Valentine's Day a holiday to mark a grief date what's neat about

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wearing things related to your loss is that no one else has to know why you chose to wear that specific

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article of clothing or jewelry on your body on that day that is part of what makes this practice so

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neat you get to carry or wear your grief with you literally all day or all week if you want without

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ever having to explain it to a single person and your grief becomes very visible to you and then if

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you choose to share it with other people to other people as well before I leave you this week I want

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to offer you a practice that has been so so helpful for students inside life after loss academy

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because the world keeps changing around our loss inclusive of our loss in spite of our loss

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we are busy we are stressed we are overwhelmed we are losing even more things than we thought we would

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and and there is just this sense sometimes I think that um life is happening too fast for us to keep

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up with our own grief dates and anniversaries I could get into a whole separate conversation of

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why that is but this specific tool that I first started talking about inside life after loss academy

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and now I'm bringing to you is to scale your ritual to match your energy that year because a lot of

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times with grief dates or grief anniversaries the ritual that felt right or that you were able to do

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last year may not feel right or fit this year and that is not a failure or a deficiency on your part

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you're not doing something wrong it's just how life goes sometimes some years you will have the time

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the capacity the emotional bandwidth to build something elaborate around a grief anniversary you can

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you can be able to invite people over or make the reservation in a fancy restaurant or um bake a

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food that takes four hours to do other years that same day same grief date will land in the middle

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of a season that's really really hard whether you have a demanding project at work or you're dealing

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with a new diagnosis either for yourself or someone else in your immediate circle you are moving you

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have a fresh loss stacked on top of an old one you will not have very much of yourself to devote to

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honoring that grief date and both of those years even though the grief date is in common that is the same

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the rituals that you choose to honor them can look completely different from each other but

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if you can use the exact same ritual as your starting point there are ways to scale it up and down

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so in my brain how i've sort of constructed this is that every single ritual on this list has

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dials six dials that you can turn up or down depending on your energy so low energy looks like

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less prep less people less money less travel less tech and less time high energy

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griff rituals look like more prep more people more money more travel more tech and more time so

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basically these six dials are prep people money travel tech time i don't have a cool way to remember

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that yet but if you think of one do let me know because that would be fun but it's ppmTTt prep people money

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travel tech time so here's how this plays out in terms of grief rituals i'm going to use the

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example of order or cook a special meal my mom died the day after christmas 2013 and one of my favorite

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positive sense memories with her throughout my entire childhood is eating cinnamon rolls and ham

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on christmas morning that is like something she always I say cooked but she like got the the tube that

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scares people the one that you pop open from pillsbury of cinnamon rolls and then some kind of ham

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that you'd put in the oven to warm up on christmas morning so my ideal ritual for this grief date for

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christmas slash my mom's death anniversary might be making both completely from scratch

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in low energy years i have bought pre-made cinnamon rolls and ham and just put them in the oven

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just like she did and i would often also eat alone after working a holiday shift at work i used

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to serve tables here in downtown chicago and i'm a florist now and the christmas season is like very

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hard for service industry professionals there's a lot going on and so i have had years where i've had

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little energy left to spare and it's like by the pre-mades and minerals by the pre-made ham pop them

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both in the oven eat them alone as as i like chill out in the silence and the quiet of my apartment

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maybe i'll put on a christmas movie that she liked maybe in high energy years in other years

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this ritual has turned into full homemade christmas spread cinnamon rolls and ham included

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with my wife or my sister or other people that i love joining in we have watched movies together or

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open presents together with my particular grief food and my ideal ritual as the center point

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of our gathering more prep more people more time more money more energy you can apply this

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same six point scaling to every single ritual on this list so if you're wearing something that

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connects you to your laws which relies mostly on prep a low prep version might be pulling on a

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t-shirt that you already own that belong to someone you care about who died a high prep version

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might be having a piece of sentimental clothing remade into something new like a jacket or a piece

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of jewelry so you can wear a version of it every year going forward and this also requires more money

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looking at the right a letter ritual which also scales a low prep version and a more accessible one

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like i said is a voice memo on your phone spoken instead of written so grief does not need to

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compete with your energy for finding the right words or even take paper and pencil you do not even

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need those things high prep might be writing an actual letter by hand and tucking it into a

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keepsake box with photos and mailing it to yourself so that it arrives like a time capsule

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right around next year's grief anniversary so timing it and doing the coordination of that whole

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thing and money again paying for postage travel can be its own sort of dial and the example i'll give

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you here of scaling up and down is the take a walk with your loss in mind if you want to do low travel

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you can walk around the walk or your backyard high travel might be taking a walk in a place that

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mattered to you so like your person's favorite hiking trail or the beach where you got engaged or

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the hospital courtyard where you sat during a hard diagnosis and so the walk itself as a ritual

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becomes the whole day the whole trip not just a part of it. Lastly i'll say that tech is the

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dial that people forget about the most but it shows up in an example with the lighted candle ritual

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a low tech version is exactly what it sounds like you have a candle in a room and no phone and site

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like it is a very very low tech ritual a high tech version of lighting a candle and we saw this a

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lot during covid times might be lighting that same candle on a video call with family members in

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different time zones all lighting their own candles at the same moment or putting together a digital

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slide show of photos to play while the candle burns and you are all honoring the same grief date or

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grief anniversary together you got to know how to use zoom you got to calculate time zones you got

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to do so much more related to tech to honor this grief date this grief anniversary. What i will

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say is that none of these versions of marking a grief date is more meaningful or correct than the other

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a cinnamon roll that you warm up alone in a quiet kitchen holds just as much honoring an acknowledgement

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of my relationship with my mom as a table full of people who also loved her. The point of scaling is

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not to aim for high energy every year as some kind of goal it is giving yourself permission to

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meet the day with whatever you actually have to offer energy wise this time around instead of

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forcing yourself into a ritual that doesn't fit the season of your life i'm going to give you one more

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example and i don't know that i've told this story before on grief grower apologies if i have but

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here you get the joy of hearing it again my mom's last meal was pizza my mom's last solid food that

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she ever ate was pizza our family got the news that she was dying around Thanksgiving time

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but doctors still thought and i think maybe she and our family still thought that there was a

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possibility of saving her of her going into remission again with her cancer as she had done before.

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By December 19th the week before she died we didn't know she didn't have that much time but they

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said we can no longer cure you we can only buy you time and that's the day that she decided i'm done

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trying to have surgeries do chemo anything else to fight this cancer call in hospice i'm i'm ready to

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essentially um as eight my friend alua Arthur the death doula would say go with grace and what she

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wanted that night that our family got the news was pizza. Farmer local delivery place down the street

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i believe it still exists in my hometown and so one of my other biggest sense memories i have with

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my mom again food is a very big memory for so many grieving people is pizza and so every grief date on

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my calendar that is tied to my mom her birthday her death anniversary are dates of knowing almost

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always on those grief dates pizza is like the guiding ritual i can do a lot of things with that

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i can order a pizza and have it delivered to my house i can go out for pizza with my wife

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i can make my own pizza from home i can go to a pizza making course or class i can um

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tell stories about pizza with other people i can retell the story about my mom with pizza like there are

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so many different ways where my money the travel to get there the time i'm spending on it um how many

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other people are there how um how much pressure i'm putting on the date like that can all scale up and

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down and i have had years and seasons where all i can manage to do is to get a pizza delivered

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again after a busy work shift or after a long exhausting travel and there have also been years where i

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have been literally in other countries on these grief dates and we are traveling to find a place that

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serves pizza worthy of my mom's grief date and i'm doing that in the company of other people so

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travel time money people is all scaled up in those years so i would encourage you to think as you're

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figuring out what you would like to guide you on each of your grief rituals how can you scale

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that up and down or how are you already doing that through the lens of these six dials that

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leads perfectly into if you would like to plan out your year of grief dates like i do like i teach

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people in my five-door loss academy to do you can get something that i've created called the printable

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grief dates calendar and it includes even more than i could fit into this podcast episode so you will

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get not just six ways to honor a grief anniversary but my full list of thirteen including creative

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options so for instance like hosting a movie night or starting an evolving piece of art that you

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add to every year or subscribing to a delivery service as an act of self care these are always to

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honor a grief date you will also get tips for honoring specific grief dates like the 14th versus

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longer seasons of loss such as the holiday season or a month of back-to-back grief dates where it

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feels like the grief never ends so a lot of times you were like i don't have just one day where things

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were hard i have a whole season of grief fog that feels like it comes after me every year so how to

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honor grief dates versus grief seasons there are different rituals for that you will also get

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a guided worksheet to help you identify and log every category of grief date that applies to your

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life those five categories so you are never caught off guard by a grief date again and you will also

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get a printable evergreen so it's good every year monthly calendar that you can use plus a list of

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culturally significant dates to watch out for each month so for January it might list things like

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new years for February it might list lunar new year and valentine's day other holidays like Halloween

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and also seasons like back to school season are listed in this calendar of like just a little pink flag

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you might want to watch out for this it's not a red flag may not apply to your grief or loss

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specifically but just like hey watch out for this mother's day father's day thanks giving Hanukkah

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they're all in there you can get the printable grief dates calendar as a stand-alone pdf to just

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download and use as you like or you can also get it by joining life after loss academy which is my

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online support community inside the group you'll also get weekly coaching with me and a monthly

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community post where all of us in life after loss academy share our grief dates for that month so

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it's like what are you grieving in august share your grief dates with us and support each other through

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them because I don't think that anyone should have to navigate an entire year of grief dates alone

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you can find the link to get the printable grief dates calendar in the show notes for this episode

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and you can also find the link to join life after loss academy in the show notes for this episode

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what I want to leave you with is something that so many grieving people know but don't necessarily

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um act on because they don't know how but again it's not a moral failing or anything that's wrong

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with them but it's just like I don't know exactly the step by step of how to do this so I hope this

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episode has helped with that and that is your grief anniversary deserves a plan and not just a

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huh a reaction so many people I talk to and so many grief forums and grief support resources that I

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read online feature people that want to honor their grief dates but they don't know where to start

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so I hope that this article of six ideas and the five categories and the six ways to scale up and down

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and the printable grief dates calendar are helpful guides to you as you make your plans for the coming

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year whatever that looks like to you having a handful of go-to kind of always available ways to

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acknowledge your grief anniversaries instead of being snuck up on or unprepared by them every single

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time can turn a day that you really dread and to a day where you feel like you get to take a little

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bit of your power back from grief because you are choosing how to spend it you don't get the choice

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of whether or not you live through it you will live through it you must live through it but deciding

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how to spend it or what to do on that day is a way that you can get a little bit of sense of empowerment

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and control and even peace back from something that can feel as if it took so much of those things

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away from you I am wishing you so much care and loads and loads of intention as you map out your

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own grief dates calendar thanks for joining me today

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that's all for this episode of grief grower if you're looking for grief support beyond the show

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you can find free articles workshops and my new book of course I'm here right now three actually

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helpful things to say to someone grieving at shall be for sathea.com/links and if you'd like to get

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support from me for your unique loss experience you can join us at any time inside life after

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loss academy my online course and community as a student I will walk you through my five step grief

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framework ground release integrate establish and foster for rebuilding after loss and you can

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get live coaching for me every week to answer your questions replace are always available if you

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can't attend life it's just $33 a month to join or $22 a month if you're a marginalized or

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financially stressed griver you pick the price that works best for you no questions asked

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if this podcast felt validating educational or otherwise helpful to you today you can

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subscribe and leave a review on apple podcasts or Spotify and be sure to share grief grower with a

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friend because you never know what someone you love is going through grief grower hosted by me

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shall be for sathea with the music by addy goldstein until next time grief grower's I see you I am

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so incredibly proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world and I love you because

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even through grief, we are growing.

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[Music]