Before life after a lot of people say, "How are you?"
And be like, "I'm good, thanks."
And that would be true.
But in life after a lot, especially after my mom died,
after my best friend died, I'm like, "I'm not good,
I'm not fine, I'm not well, how are you?"
Like, how do you answer that question?
On the surface, it's very, very small.
But when you actually think about the core of the question,
how are you?
What is the context of your life right now?
That's a very big question that lots of people
are casually lobbing in our direction
when we are in the midst of grief.
(gentle music)
- Hi there, grief growers,
and welcome back to grief grower.
I am so honored to be here with you once again, as always.
If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while,
welcome back, and if you are new to me and my work, hello.
My name is Shelby for Scythia.
I am a grief coach, two-time, very, very, very soon
to be three-time author, and the founder of Life
after loss academy, which is an online grief support program
that has helped dozens of grieving people
stop feeling lost, stuck, broken, and alone,
and start building lives that they genuinely love
from the lives that loss force them to live.
All of the work I do includes not only death-related losses,
which is what most people think of when they think about grief,
but also divorce, major diagnosis, job loss,
and any other major transition that changes your life.
Here on the show, and throughout all of my work,
we believe that grief is not something to get over.
It is something that we grow with and alongside
for the rest of our lives, and that would we stop
treating grief like a problem to be solved
or like an inconvenience of our life,
and start treating grief like an invitation
to live more deeply.
We can create meaningful and rich lives
that are full of the memories that we carry
and the struggles that we faced and the preciousness
of what it is to be alive right here and right now.
Today on the show, I am answering one of the most common
questions I get in life after loss,
which is how on earth do I respond to the dreaded question,
how are you? (laughs)
But before we get into that, I wanted to let you know
that there are still tickets available
for the grief test book fair taking place tomorrow
in Los Angeles.
So if you were an LA native, you've been waiting
a little while to see what your schedule is gonna be like.
I would love to see you tomorrow
on November 21st at the Lux Hotel.
There is a VIP BFF brunch at the beginning
where you can mix and mingle with other griefers,
grief authors, grief professionals,
and then from 12 to four, there is an open book fair
included with your ticket where you can listen to panels,
watch panels, one of which I will be leading,
get your book signed by authors who are present,
including myself, and sort of meet all of these people
who write about words and help people find the language
to describe the loss experience.
Myself and more than 40 grief authors,
including Rachel Cargill, Rebecca Sofer,
who we've had here at Grief Grower,
David Kessler, Hope Edelman, and Jennifer Pasteloff
will be there and you will walk away
with my favorite souvenir of all time,
a tote bag called a sad sack, (laughs)
full of all the grief books you purchased and had signed
as well as some really fun grief merch.
That VIP brunch starts at 10 and goes to 11.30
and then the book fair happens from noon to four.
And as tickets still are available,
you can use my code grief, BFF, G-R-I-E-F, B-F-F,
for 15% off until tickets sell out.
So if you still see them available on the website,
they are still available and I would love to meet you there.
The other thing that's happening very, very soon now
on December 4th is a workshop I'm leading in partnership
with Good Grief of Northwest Ohio,
which is happening in Toledo on December 4th
from 6 to 7.30 p.m.
This is all about staying connected to a loved one
who is dying through the holiday season and beyond.
I am teaching parents and caregivers,
people who are kind of anchors in families,
how to use your five senses and to keep your kids
and other family members to do the same,
to recall positive memories of loved ones
and build traditions around them so that you can go
through the holiday season with your positive memories
and the sparkly lights and the music that you love listening to
and your grief hand and hand.
It is an interactive workshop where I'm teaching a little bit.
I'm answering your questions for a little bit.
We're talking about into each other,
about grief and loss throughout.
And we will explore simple, meaningful ways
to weave sense-based traditions into the holidays
and their ways you can recycle this beyond the holidays
for birthdays, death anniversaries, so on and so forth
so you can create lasting connections
to the person who died for your entire family.
You will learn how to use your five senses
to call forward memories of loved ones
that are positive and comforting,
how to involve other members of your family,
especially kids and teens in creating positive,
grief-related traditions,
what to do when painful memories
or final memories of a loved one over shadow happy ones,
how to tailor holiday traditions
based on your energy levels.
Some things are very low energy,
such as looking through a scrapbook.
Some things are very high energy,
like everybody getting on a plane
and flying together to Japan to honor a loved one
who has died, that's very different energy levels,
but they could be the traditions
that work best for you in grief.
And what to do when everyone in the family needs differ.
And you can find tickets for that at shellbeefersathea.com/events.
That is also where you can find tickets
if they are still available for the grief testing book fair.
And I will see you there tomorrow.
(laughs)
Okay, today I am so honored to put together
a list of 20 responses to the dreaded question
of how are you?
These are a combination of truthful responses,
boundary responses and protective responses,
because so, so many grievers just absolutely
loathe hearing this question,
but in our society it's something that people say
is a form of a greeting, I don't know why.
I would love to know where this has come from,
as a practice that we let greet each other
as people with how are you,
because that is a loaded question for everybody these days.
And this was inspired by a note I received recently,
a question, "Inside life after loss academy,
which is my online course and community
from a student named Claire."
And this is truly one of the most frequently shared dilemmas
that I hear from anybody who's grieving anything,
death to worse diagnosis, we call them the 3Ds,
and so much more.
She says, "Hi, Shelby, I would appreciate your thoughts
on something I keep encountering.
When people I don't know very well,
like work colleagues greet me, they often say,
how are you?"
If I was being completely true and honest to myself
at the moment I would say, "I'm broken, thanks, how are you?"
But I don't wanna reveal that to people I don't know or trust.
I find myself saying, "I'm okay, thanks, how are you?"
It's a kind of compromise where I feel
I'm not completely denying myself by saying,
"I'm fine when I'm not."
But actually I'm wondering if it's okay to say I'm fine
to people who I don't wanna share myself with
and still respect my grief, kind of like protecting it,
where I get to choose who I reveal it to.
Even saying, "I'm okay, thanks," seems to rub
some people the wrong way.
I guess what I'm asking is,
"Is it okay to outright lie to others
when they ask me how I am?"
And say, "Fine, thanks, how are you?"
I don't wanna go there with just anyone.
I often don't wanna go there with the people
I do know and trust.
And Claire, thank you so much for this question.
This is so, so common in grief,
but also so significant.
So I have to let you know right out of the gate,
that you are not the only grieving person
who is navigating this weird invisible social tightrope
of how are you.
You are not alone in feeling sort of caught in the middle
between telling, "How do I tell the truth about my grief?"
But also, "How do I guard the energy
"or protect the energy that it takes
"to reveal the truth about my grief
"to someone else who's asking the question?"
And what I have to say is this question,
"How are you?"
Is one of the most frustrating
and confusing parts of re-entering everyday life
after loss.
Before life after loss, people say,
"How are you?"
And be like, "I'm good, thanks."
And that would be true.
But in life after loss, especially after my mom died,
after my best friend died,
I'm like, "I'm not good, I'm not fine, I'm not well,
"how are you?"
Like, "How do you answer that question?"
On the surface, it's very, very small.
But when you actually think about the core of the question,
how are you?
What is the context of your life right now?
That's a very big question that lots of people
are casually lobbing in our direction
when we are in the midst of grief.
And if you are a grieving person,
I imagine you are, since you're listening to this podcast,
it can feel like standing at this fork in the road
every single time someone says, "How are you?"
Trying to decide, "Do I tell the truth?"
"Do I say what's expected of me?
I'm fine, I'm well, how are you?"
"Do I protect my grief?
Do I protect the other person from my grief?"
They may not know that's how you're going to respond
and then you have to deal with the fallout of their emotions,
which is a whole other job for you to do.
Do I even have the energy to explain what's happening
inside of me right now?
And then respond, "However, they're gonna respond to it
and that unpredictability and dealing with,
I'm not certain of how that's gonna go."
So on today's show, I wanna break down
whether it's okay to lie about how you actually are,
plus some different ways you might respond to the dreaded,
but frequent question, "How are you?"
The first thing I wanna say before I get into kind of
the structure of the responses to how are you?
'Cause I have a whole lot of thoughts on the things you can say
to respond to, "How are you?"
No surprise there, is yes, it's okay to lie
and say you're fine when you're not.
The long answer of that is what you say when you're grieving
is your choice and your grief belongs to you.
I think something that a lot of grief is trouble with
is I want to be authentic in my grief,
but I also do not want to be exhausted all the time.
And after a loss, there is a big difference
between self-betrayal and self-protection.
So when you say I'm fine,
it's just someone who has not demonstrated
that they're a safe place for your grief,
whether you just don't know whether or not they are,
or they are very clearly not a safe place for your grief,
this is not a betrayal of your heart or your loss
or your left one.
This is a boundary for this person
in this environment I'm saying I'm fine.
You do not have to let this person know
that this is what you decided,
you do not have to let your workplace know
that this is what you decided.
It is a boundary that you do not have to ever say out loud,
but it's one that you can hold with yourself
to protect your energy.
And every time that somebody asks,
"How are you?"
You are under zero obligation
to hand over your pain to them to hold
and maybe drop for the sake of quote being truthful.
In other words, and this is something
that even I struggle with because authenticity
is one of my greatest values,
you do not have to be 100% honest
with everyone 100% of the time.
I'll say that again.
If you are grieving a significant loss
and you do not know how to answer the question,
how are you?
You may need to hear
that you do not have to be 100% honest
with everyone 100% of the time.
You do not have to perform emotional transparency,
vulnerability, for the comfort or the benefit of others.
And you don't have to decide in the moment
whether you're doing it right.
Simply put, your grief is sacred
and you get to choose who you share it with.
So instead of asking, "Is it okay to lie?"
I invite you to reframe this.
Potentially asking yourself,
what kind of truth do I have the energy to share right now?
And what kind of connection do I want or not want
with the person who's asking the question?
And so to support you in making that choice
or in answering those questions,
I have created this like four-part spectrum
of responses to how are you,
which can be really helpful when you're grieving.
Think of these not as scripts to memorize.
You don't have to keep them in your pocket,
but you can if you want,
you can keep this episode and play it over and over again.
But these are also options
that you can reach for depending on the context
of the person you're speaking with, your capacity,
'cause that's change in day to day when you're grieving.
And who is the person asking the question?
So let's begin with kind of like the deepest end
of the spectrum.
This is where it feels safest to tell the truth.
So number one is full truth invitations
for when you want to be open
and the person asking feel safe.
Both of these things are true.
So these scripted responses are honest
and layered and emotionally vulnerable.
They signal to the other person,
"Yes, I want to go there with you.
I actually want to tell you how I am
and I'm inviting you to come with me."
And use these with people who you trust deeply.
They are already sort of like on your team
from a grief perspective,
or people who you know are explicitly asking
about your loss with care
and who have the capacity to hear it.
They say, "Hi, are you?"
You could say, "I have a long, complex answer
to that question.
Do you have space to hear it?"
Or you could say the truth is,
"I am having a insert loss here day to day.
I'm having a dead mom day.
I'm having a divorce day.
I'm having a chronic illness day, whatever it is for you."
Would you like to talk about it?
You could say,
"My grief feels very close to the surface today."
You could also say, "I am a mix of tender, tired,
and surprisingly okay."
Want to hear more about each of those things.
And the cool thing about these responses,
these like full-truth invitations,
they don't assume that the other person
can hold your grief,
but they ask them, they invite them
into conversation about it
if they're willing to go there with you.
So you are using your response to how are you
as like a door opener to go deeper.
Number two on this spectrum is what I call honest,
but boundary.
So this is, I want to tell the truth,
but I don't wanna stay there long.
I don't wanna, I can't get into it with you,
whether I don't have the time,
you don't have the time, work, work, whatever the case may be.
So each of these responses acknowledges your reality
without requiring much further conversation.
They are perfect for acquaintances and colleagues.
So Claire, if you're listening, this is for you.
Or you can even use this with friends
when you do not have the bandwidth
or the capacity for deeper connections.
So this is especially relevant
as we're going into the holiday season.
But if you're approaching a grief anniversary
if some other milestone is happening
or you're working on a big project
or there's some kind of other stress in your life
and you're like, I can't get into it,
but like I do wanna tell you the truth.
So they say, how are you?
Then you could say, not the greatest,
but I know I won't feel this way forever.
You could say, heavy, but I'm still standing.
You could say, I've been having some dark days lately
but I appreciate you asking.
You could say not so hot,
but I'm hoping things will change.
You could say, some days are harder than others.
Today is one of them.
You could say sad, but also kind of okay in moments
or you could say overwhelmed,
but thanks for checking in, that really means a lot.
And these are lovely because they are truthful
but they don't necessarily invite the other person
to ask more questions or to be in deeper conversation with you.
They are honest, but not revealing and you don't pretend
but you also don't overextend yourself.
One of my students called this being emotionally hungover
when you tell too much of your grief story
to a person who was not ready to receive it
or you just feel emotionally depleted
for sharing too much in a given time.
And the thing I like about these responses
is that there's a very clear period on the end of all of them
which will signal for most people in conversation
not to pry further or ask further questions
beyond the initial how are you.
All right, let's get to section three
and this is minimal disclosure.
So this is, I'm not up for being 100% real
but I still wanna answer your question.
Like I still wanna stay polite
and acknowledge that you have asked something of me
so I'm giving you a little bit of something.
It's not hardly all, as my wife would say,
all of the everything.
So these responses are intended to make a quick exit.
They hold the door open for like this much truth,
like a little teeny bit, but they close the door
to further emotional labor on your part
and also the part of the person asking.
They are useful for neutral spaces
or passing conversations like you are literally
passing each other in the hallway
or when you're emotionally tapped out.
Somebody says, how are you?
You could say, I'm still upright and breathing.
What about you?
You could say, I'm getting through it.
You could say, doing my best today
and that's all I can ask for, right?
You could say, surviving.
All things considered, thanks.
You could say, I'm putting one foot in front of the other
just like you.
You could say, getting by is best I can, how about you?
And these are not lies.
These are not outright false.
I'm great thanks with like a thumbs up emoji
but they are lightweight placeholders
for what is actually happening internally for you.
And when somebody says, how are you?
Especially if they are not a close acquaintance
or somebody who is in your orbit regularly,
you do not owe them more than that.
And in this year of our Lord 2025,
I could ask anybody, how are you?
And if I heard a response, surviving,
all things considered, thanks.
I'd be like, yeah, that makes sense.
I don't need to ask for their questions.
Everyone's kind of living that life right now.
And I imagine or I hope that the same would be true for you.
I'm putting one foot of the other.
I'm getting by is best I can't.
Yeah, ain't we all?
That feels like a very fitting end
and shallow but honest response to any,
how are you that gets tossed in your direction.
The last category here is zero disclosure.
And this is also what I'm calling a K-A grief mask on.
A lot of people talk about,
I feel like I wear a mask all day
when I'm grieving to perform being fine and good.
My friends Stephanie, some more, I call it fine and good.
In order to get through the day,
in order to be a person in society
as we have constructed it,
is like I have to put a grief mask on.
So these are responses for when the answer to how are you
is nobody's business but your own.
This is the category that Claire asked about
in her initial question.
The one that sometimes gets labeled as dishonest,
but it is from my perspective,
a powerful form of protection and grief.
These responses are total social camouflage,
a K-A wearing the grief mask, hiding truth behind I'm fine.
And that's okay if you need it
or when the situation calls for it.
It's unsafe to share your grief story.
This person has proven that they are not
a stable place to hold or support your grief story.
They could potentially hold it against you.
You simply don't have the time
or you were like absolutely energetically burned out
or it's just like somebody's asking
and passing conversation and you can tell they don't care.
How are you?
I'm fine, thanks. How are you?
How are you?
Doing all right, thanks.
How are you today?
I'm good. What's life like in your world?
How are you?
Also well with me.
How's your week going?
These may feel like lies to you,
but if you flip the script of that,
they can also be self-protecting to you.
What these responses give you is the gift
of not having to get into your grief
with a person who may or may not be a safe
or comfortable place for it.
Sometimes, as I said at the top of the show,
the people who ask how are you
are not really asking at all.
They do not care about your answer.
It is just a greeting.
It is a formality, is a societal reflex.
It is a way we have been taught.
I don't know why I should have done the research into this.
To say hello to each other.
It is another way of saying,
"Hi, I acknowledge your presence."
How are you?
I don't know why those two things got conflated.
I need to do some.
I need to find out why because that will bother me.
But it's one of these things where it's like,
sometimes even though you may feel a pressure
or a compulsion to be perfectly honest
or to like yelling people's faces,
"I am not okay," and I wish somebody could see that.
It's not always appropriate or protective of your heart
or your energy to do so.
So when your grief feels too sacred
or your surroundings feel too risky,
it is completely valid to opt out of emotional exposure
and to let yourself hide behind the mask of,
"I'm fine, how are you?"
You are not lying.
You are not betraying your loved one or your loss
and you are not abandoning yourself in your grief.
You are actually choosing yourself in your grief
in addition to choosing safety and discernment
in that one single interaction.
And if it still feels like lying to you
and I totally hear you if it does,
if it helps you feel better,
what I want you to remind yourself of
is who is actually in your corner in grief.
Who can you be honest and truthful with
and who can you reassure yourself
that you will be honest and truthful with
and vulnerable with, just not right now.
In life after the loss academy,
we talk about making a list of your grief allies.
These are people you know for sure
can hold space for your grief.
And so in your mind, when one of your co-workers says,
"How are you?"
"I find thanks, how are you?"
You might think, "Ah, how are you?"
Is a question for my grief ally Gail,
who I'll talk to later.
Not for Howard, my coworker.
That's not a question I answer when it comes from Howard.
That's a question I answer when it comes from Gail
'cause I know Gail has the space to hold my grief.
Sorry Howard.
But it's one of these things where it's like,
as you answer the question with a mask of, "I'm fine,"
or, "I'm well, how are you?"
Or, "I'm doing all right," or, "Good, how about you?"
You do not have to descend into the guilt
or the shame spiral of "I am a liar" in my grief.
You can say, "I'm self-protecting my grief
with this person, or in this scenario,
or in this situation, or today, or for the time being."
And say, "I am vulnerable,"
or, "I will answer that question with this person,
or this friend, or this family member,
or in this grief support group."
I have other places where the real answer to that question goes,
even if it's just to myself, and a journal that I keep,
or a voice memo that I take,
or a regular ritual that I do to communicate
with loved ones who have died.
There are other places and other people
who do have this space and capacity to hold that question,
so it's not lying, it's protecting.
And the thing I want to impart on you
before we say goodbye in this episode
is that you do not owe everybody the truth about your grief.
When I first started writing this episode,
I wrote, "You do not owe anybody the truth about your grief,
but I think that's a lie.
I think you owe yourself the truth of your grief.
I think you owe any professional you seek support
from the truth about your grief.
I'm thinking medical professionals,
great professionals, spiritual directors,
anybody who you seek help from about your grief.
And there are people you have losses in common with
that often deserve and have shown that they deserve
the truth about your grief, at least the bits you'd like
to show them, I know for friends and family members,
and things like that.
There are parts of grief that you prefer to keep to yourself.
But the thing that you do owe is to yourself,
and that is an immense amount of compassion
when you're grieving.
So to Claire who asked this question,
and to anybody else who's struggling with this question
of what on earth do I say in response to how are you in grief?
Yeah, it's okay to say I'm fine when you're not.
Your grief is not a public performance
that others are just allowed unfettered 24/7 access to.
Your grief is a part of your lived reality.
You're the one who has to live inside it.
And you can place a compassionate fence around it
when it feels necessary to do so.
And sometimes the compassionate fence,
or like the electrified fence that people bounce off of,
is I'm fine, I'm good, doing well, how are you?
Part of that compassionate fence placing
involves using your words to invite some people in.
I'm having a rough go of it lately.
Do you want to hear more?
Do you have space to hear more?
And to keep other people out?
Good, thanks, thanks for asking.
What I want you to know is that you are the ultimate
protector of your heart and of your grief.
And you are more than allowed to do what you need to do
in each moment to survive each interaction
with each new person or each same person
if they're in your life a lot,
and each day with grief and tow.
And if you want more tools and scripts like this,
I hope you'll join us in "Side Life After a Lost Academy"
inside that program and community,
we dive very, very deep into how to protect your grief
in social settings.
There is an entire module called the established module
where we establish our terms of engagement
in relationships with other people.
So I will teach you how to protect your grief
in social settings and move through relationships
with friends, family and coworkers as a grieving person.
You will gain the tools to set kind,
but for boundaries, communicate your needs
and find your footing in a world that has changed
because of loss.
You can learn more and join us at the link in the show notes.
And I will say, if you're listening to the show
and you're supporting somebody grieving,
most gravers are also supporting someone else
who is grieving, but you don't know what to say
to check in with them other than how are you?
If that's your default mode,
because society has made it so many of our default modes,
I encourage you to check out my book, of course,
I'm here right now and this is the book of mine
that is coming out in March,
my soon to be three time author book.
(laughs)
And of course, I'm here right now.
It is a book entirely about what to say
to support someone who's grieving.
So this is not bring a casserole,
a mother, lawn, offer to pets.
So those are all actions related to support
in someone grieving.
These are words, entirely words, beyond,
sorry for your loss, my condolences, you have our sympathy.
This is the actual in the dirt, in the relationship words
that you use to talk to somebody who is grieving
and to comfort someone who's grieving
and to support someone who's grieving in your life.
In the book, you will find dozens and dozens
of practical scripts just like this episode today
to support someone grieving both immediately after a loss,
like the loss happened yesterday
and also years down the road and the benefit of this
and the thing that I am really driving home in this book
is the power of words to strengthen our relationship
and grief.
So many of our relationships after losses are broken
or fractured or made awkward or disappear entirely
because someone said something hurtful or someone heard
or received something as hurtful
because it was a platitude or a cliche
or not what they needed to hear in this moment.
And I believe the opposite is also true
that words can strengthen our relationships
and that when we have the words to say
when we know how to comfort grieving people
with language alone, text, email, phone call,
FaceTime, zoom all the ways we connect now.
It changes how we engage with each other
and it makes it so that our relationships get stronger
when the worst things happen.
And that is what I want for all of us.
Thank you so much for listening to this episode today.
I would love to hear your thoughts.
How do you respond to when somebody asks,
how are you in the midst of grief
and you can find contact information to me
or to submit a question of your own
for an Ask Shelby episode at the link in the show notes.
(gentle music)
That's all for this episode of Grief Grower.
Thank you so much for joining me today.
If you're looking for grief support beyond the show,
you can find free workshops, blog articles,
in my signature, what's your grief support style quiz
at shellbeefersithia.com/links.
And if you'd like to get support for me
for your UniGlass experience,
you can always join us in life after a loss Academy,
my online course and community.
I will walk you through my five step grief framework,
G-R-I-E-F, for rebuilding after loss
and you can get live coaching from me every single week
to answer your questions like this one from Claire.
Replays are always available if you can to 10 live.
It is just $33 a month to join or $22 a month.
If you're a marginalized or financially stress griver,
no questions asked and you can cancel at any time.
If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational
or helpful to you, please subscribe
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and be sure to share grief-grow with a friend
because you never know what someone you love is going through.
Grief-growers hosted by yours,
truly shellbeefersithia and the theme music
is by Annie Goldstein.
Until next time, grief-growers, I see you.
I am so proud of you in the work that you're doing
in the world and I love you.
Because even through grief, we are growing.
[Music]