your wedding day is all about you, but it's also all about your partner and it's also all about
your grief. And planning a wedding while griefing requires a different approach than your generic
like run-of-the-mill sans grief wedding planning.
Hi there grief growers and welcome back to another episode of grief grower. I am so honored to be here
with you today talking about this very very very close to my heart topic. If you've been growing
alongside me for a while welcome back and if you are new to me and my work hello. My name is Shelby
for Scythia. I am a grief coach. I'm a two-time author and founder of Life After Loss Academy
and I have helped thousands of grieving people stop feeling lost, stuck, broken and alone in the
aftermath of loss and start building lives that they genuinely love from the lives that loss
forced them to live. Here we not only honor death related losses but also losses like divorce
and breakup, major diagnosis and any other loss that changes your life. And on this show we believe
that grief is not something to get over as society so often tells us to do just get over it just
move on just let it go. But that grief is something to not get over but grow alongside and that when
we stop treating grief less like a thing that's in our way and more like an invitation to live more
deeply and to expand ourselves in our hearts we create these really rich and meaningful lives that
honor everything we've faced every one we carry with us and the preciousness of what it means to be
alive. And like I said at the top of the show we're going to be talking about something really special
today. My wife and I just celebrated their third wedding anniversary and I thought what better time
to talk about how to plan a wedding after the death of a loved one then right now then with three
years looking back on the day that we were wed. So I'm going to be sharing sort of some ideas,
some questions to ponder some suggestions for honoring grief and loss on your wedding day.
This episode is going to be different from some previous episodes where I have talked about
things like divorce and diagnosis. This topic got really long and so I am just sticking to for all
intents and purposes how to plan a wedding when someone you love a person or pet has died. But I'm sure
there is opportunity, plenty of opportunity in the future to talk about how to plan a wedding
after you've been divorced, how to plan a wedding after a major diagnosis, how to plan a wedding
for insert other major loss here because wedding is basically just a stand-in for major joyful
life milestone. How to have a major joyful life milestone after something awful and heart-wrenching
and life changing has happened. So if this topic is interesting to you, if what I share is helpful
today but you really want to hear me talk about how to plan a wedding after a divorce or maybe things
to keep in mind after a diagnosis in planning for a wedding, let me know and I can absolutely expand
on this and refer back to it when I do. Another sort of disclaimer I want to give at the top here
is that I am a non-religious American based in the United States of grief support coach. So while
everything I have to say here is grounded both in personal experience, marrying my wife and the
insights I have in more than eight years of working with grieving people, it may not include key elements
of your cultural spiritual traditions. I may have left some things out. I may miss things. So take
what serves you. Add your own spin on things that I say and please, please, please, please, please
fold in and invent your own traditions where needed. So I want to start with talking about why
it's so important to talk about why and how wedding planning after a loss can feel so heavy. Like,
why it's important to talk about these things together because a lot of people will talk about grief
as a separate topic and wedding planning as a separate topic. But we need to put them together
because so many people who are planning weddings who are uniting their life with somebody else
are also grieving someone or someone's at the same time. And for me it showed up as this very
specific sort of aching. There was this as I was planning my wedding, my mom died in 2013. I was getting
married in 2022. There was this this joy and this dreads sort of like smashed and tangled together
in my chest. And I felt them all the time and they were clashing and competing against each other.
In a way that I felt like wouldn't make sense to anybody who hadn't been here before. It was the
oh my god anticipation of a very very happy and long future. But sort of tethered to and tugged on
by sharply and constantly by this longing for someone, my mother, who only existed in my past.
And longtime listeners of this podcast and and people who paid attention to my work through the
years will also know that my best friend died suddenly from COVID 12 days before my wedding in 2022.
And missing her on that day as well was absolutely devastating. I didn't do so much planning 12 days
out. And so this article speaks more about the death of my mother than it does about the death of my
best friend. But getting ready to get married while grieving is a very specific sort of experience.
And one that I think we need to talk about a lot more because everything's happening all at once.
There's the present moment that you're living in. There's all the people and memories that brought
you to this place the past. And then there's this path that's laid out before you and your partner
going forward and you are getting ready to go down it. And you might be a person who's imagined
your wedding says childhood before you even knew who your partner would be or you might be a person
who'd assumed maybe because of your loss that you'd never get married. And regardless which is
true or wherever you fall on that spectrum, you knew from the moment that your person died or your
pet that a joyful milestone day like this one would probably calm down the road. And that they
would not be here to commemorate it with you. Again, my mom died in 2013. I was 21. At the time,
I was dating somebody that I intended to marry as we often do in college. And one of the first
thoughts I had after my mother's death was, oh my god, she won't be at my wedding. And I have heard
so many stories from clients and students after the deaths of their parents or their grandparents
or their siblings or their children or their friends or their pets. And there is this heartic
in knowing with devastating certainty, no matter what happens, no matter what else changes in my life,
that this person or pet that I love will not be with me on one of the most significant days of my life.
And when I married my wife, her name is Heather in 2022, we were missing nine people between us.
She was missing seven. I was missing two. And every single part of our day together was interwoven
by grief. We chose carefully, very intentionally, what kind of wedding we wanted, not just for aesthetics,
not just for color schemes, not just for flowers and not just for sunshine, but for emotional survival,
so that we could get through it together. And this podcast episode today is based on our experience,
my experience, planning a wedding as a grieving person, getting married to a grieving person.
And the experiences of other grieving students and clients have shared with me. So please know
that the questions and suggestions about planning a wedding while grieving are not about directing
you to feel more joy than pain. I'm not trying to change the ratio of your emotional life in this episode.
It's about creating space for both things to be true and making room on your wedding day, a day that
society tells you should be joyful, should be happy to have a stay or live. It makes room for the
foundations of love in your past. People you may be grieving places you may be grieving pets you
may be grieving as you step through this doorway, this life changing event and build upon those
foundations of love in the future. Getting married is not a doorway where you say, okay, I'm done
with that part of my life. I'm stepping into this one now. It is an opportunity for you to, as we
talk about on grief, go, or to expand to continue to grow and to have your life get bigger and richer
in a way that resonates with you. It's not shutting off all these people have died and now I'm going
into life with this new person. Now that's not what we're doing. It's all these people have died and
I'm taking them into my life with this new person. Okay, so the first thing I want to talk about is the
structure and format of your wedding choosing the right heavy air quotes on right type of wedding for
your grieving heart. And the big permission slip I want to offer you at the beginning of this is that
you do not have to do whatever one else is doing. You don't have to look on Instagram for inspiration,
you don't have to compete with your next door neighbor or the person you went to college with,
whatever the case may be. A wedding that includes your grief is a wedding that invites you to pause
and consider the following questions. Number one, how much energy do I realistically have to spend?
Because grief takes from you in ways that most people cannot see and sometimes understand. And even
the planning of something joyful can be exhausting. It costs. There's a grief tax that you pay and not
just in wedding planning, but like daily life, things like logistics, numbers, dates, timelines,
those are even more important when you're talking about planning, wedding and planning, wedding with
grief. So something like a smaller wedding or an allotment might offer you more peace of mind and
allow you to be more present with your partner on the day. And if you're looking for inspiration
on smaller weddings, you might try searching micro weddings on Google or Pinterest. This is kind of
a trend that's popped up in recent years and something that I think even more people will be
tilting into, especially as the economy is unstable. World leaders are doing awful things, especially
here in the United States. I think people are more interested in having things that feel smaller
and more intimate and more energy and resource saving, but also richer in emotional depth and
meaning. Second question, under kind of space and format for your wedding, what kind of emotional
space do I need? Do you want something that feels quiet or a communal celebration? When something
as big as a wedding party, wedding planning is basically planning a party, planning a funeral is
basically like planning a party, planning a wedding is basically like planning a party, will a party
energize or exhaust you? Can you alope now and host a celebration later? Unless your culture or
religion dictates a very specific wedding timeline and some do, feel free to get creative with the
timing of your wedding. This could look like having a very small church wedding now and an all-out
party the same time next year on your first anniversary. My sister did this during COVID or this
could look like scheduling like times to pause or times to breathe into the day. These are moments of
space where you can be by yourself or alone with your partner between things like hair and makeup or
taking pictures or the ceremony, the reception rounds in the dance floor. Do you or can you schedule
times to regularly step away so that you can breathe and be with your heart and like do a little
check in beyond going to the bathroom, going to the bathroom when you're grieving and at a wedding
is not a break. You are often getting out of dresses or getting out of suits trying to just like do
the task going to the bathroom. That does not constitute a break. I'm talking about a very,
very scheduled breather that you fold into the day. Third question in this section, who do I want by my
side? Because so many of you listening know that when you grieve, your tolerance for surface
level relationships just plummets. So choosing people who are going to be at your wedding,
who understand the fullness of your heart, everything you're carrying, including the things that
may still feel broken on your wedding day. This goes for your wedding party and your guest list,
but also applies to service professionals as well. So my wife and I chose to allow, and I'll talk
about that later, but we chose a grief friendly photographer who took so much pressure off us when
it came time to take literally a shit you not two hours worth of photos and simply reaching out to
her with I'm grieving my best friend. I'm grieving my mother. She's grieving almost every single member
for a immediate family. How can you help us honor that emotional experience? This opened doors for
all kinds of things that we did not consider. She gave us space to pause. She gave us moments where we
could just like take in the scenery before having to smile and turn to the camera. It was so incredibly
lovely. So telling this to your service providers for your wedding can open up all kinds of
options for things you didn't even think of. So your caterer might offer to make a dessert inspired
by a relative's peach cobbler that has long passed. Your DJ might suggest that your end of the night's
end-off song is your brother's favorite song or favorite band. Your tailor could suggest adding
something onto your suit like extra pockets. So you can carry not only tissues because we will be
crying on our wedding days, but maybe your best friend's antique pocket watch something custom so that
you have the ability to honor your grief and the joy all at once. Next question here is where do I
want to be? This looks like choosing a location for your wedding that feels emotionally safe. This could
mean getting married in your backyard under the tree where your love won't always sat or maybe
somewhere so far away that it holds zero memories about grief or loss. This could be like a destination
wedding or something. Maybe place you or your partner has never been before. And so the memory that
you make there is the first one that you make together in this place. So as you consider venues,
ask yourself how long will it take to get there and potentially how much money will it take to get
there? How do you feel inside of it when you're there and does it have the space you need not only for
you and your partner and your guests, but also for your grief? Next question what time would feel best?
And I think this is such an underrated question when it comes to wedding planning in general, but
especially wedding planning with grief because considering what season you'd like to get married and
not just for the venue availability or the types of flowers, but also for how you carry your grief.
If winter holidays are hard, I'm thinking of things like Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New
years, you might choose to get married in May instead of December. If Father's Day feels really
shitty to you, perhaps September is a better fit for you than June when Father's Day occurs.
You could also expand this idea and consider getting married. A lot of people do things like getting
married on a loved ones birthday or their anniversary so that you have a shared celebration date and
common. A lot of people will get married on a grandparents or a parents wedding anniversary date
and that can feel like a good omen all the way around. My wife and I chose to get married on May 25
or 525 because palindroms remind us of our parents. So the words mom and dad, M-O-M-D-O-D are both
palindroms. They're spelled the same backwards as they are forwards. So 525 is also palindrom.
We also chose to get married at 915 in the morning because that's when our energy was the highest.
We felt the most ready for the day first thing in the morning and so we took photos. We had tacos for
lunch and we got tattoos. We then went down for the count and took a nap at our hotel at 3 o'clock
and it was so nice, especially after the unexpected death of my best friend to be able to sleep
before getting back up and dressing up for wedding dinner. This was a very very intentional part
of our days. We start early. We're getting hair and makeup done at 6 in the morning. We're getting
married at 9. We're getting photos taken. We are living a whole life and then by 3 p.m you get the
chance to sleep and to rest and I have not heard anybody else have a wedding like that but I'll tell
you as a grieving person already coming into this and then who was unexpectedly grieving
about two weeks before again a fresh loss, a new loss having pre-plant rest in the middle of the day
absolutely felt like a lifesaver and a game changer. The second really big kind of umbrella topic
I want to talk about here is clothing because this is something that has so much meaning and memory
for people around their wedding day. I mean people are passing down wedding dresses and suits
from decades ago or jewelry or things like that and so considering what you'd like to wear and how
you'd like to wear it is a really lovely way to think about how to honor loved ones on a wedding day.
So one question to ask yourself might be can I repurpose something that I already love? So this
could be your father's cufflinks. You might reimagine a dress that belonged to your mom or your
grandmother or an aunt or another matriarch in your family. Maybe you sew the tag from your pets
collar or swatch of a child's favorite pair of overalls into your suit jacket so that when you open
up you can see it there. And something I really love about clothing too is you don't have to have
something already. A lot of folks who face natural disasters do not have access to memorial clothing
or clothing that belong to a loved one. You can also stitch new meaning directly onto fabric. So
things like initials or flowers or flags or symbols or handwriting can all be embroidered onto
different kinds of fabrics. I'm thinking dresses or suits or hats or veils or pocket squares. If your
shoes are made of kind of a bendy fabric like a canvas or something you can even embroider things
like shoes. And this is such a neat way if you don't have access to a loved ones clothing or you
never had access to it or you lost it through another major grief event. This is a way to bring
your loved one with you even if you don't have articles of clothing or items that belong to them.
When we got married Heather chose to wear her dad's tartan. It's like a Scottish stripe pattern
suspenders for our wedding. We did a few photos with her suit jacket off and it was really,
really beautiful to see her dad's presence and by proxy kind of like his whole lineage is presence
on full display. She also lost her paternal grandparents. And if you don't want to alter the clothing
that you're wearing and if you don't have the energy to like sew new things onto clothing you're
wearing you might also do something like displaying a loved ones clothing. I recently saw an Instagram
reel where the bride and her partner put together like a like a mannequin display of her mother and
her mother-in-law's bridal gowns at a special table during cocktail hour with photos of them
on their wedding day. So kind of like the generation up before that. And so they became conversation
pieces that their guests could talk about and that they could have in the room with them as they were
getting married. And so there's all kinds of ways that you can incorporate clothing into your wedding
and this can fold into your wedding planning as well. Other things to consider is if you have accessories
that can carry your loved ones with you things like honoring a loved one through jewelry or watches
or shoes or glasses but also things that are like less seen so like the way you do your hair or
perfume or cologne these can all invoke the presence and the essence of someone who's no longer here
and these details can be like unspoken portable altars that you carry with you throughout your
wedding day. So something I like to talk about is both my engagement ring and wedding ring contained
diamonds from my mom and from Heather's mom as well and Heather's wedding band is her mom's wedding
band that got a nice fresh polish. She just basically took the wedding band that her mom more
all throughout her life and said can you polish the scuffs out of this and then she wears that now
as her wedding ring and so literally reusing jewelry you do not always need something new and we
just had our jeweler engraved very shallowly little engravings of our handwriting on the inside of
our rings so that they had an even more special touch to them but in terms of needing to have things
beat brand new not the case with weddings and so every time I look down at my fingers I don't just
see myself and my wife I see our parents as well and it's something that's really beautiful
that I love about how we chose to put our wedding together. This next section is my favorite
because as some of you know not all of you might know this but I'm a freelance florist one of my
first jobs here in Chicago was as a floral designer and it continues to be something I do on the
weekends for fun is flowers talking about the flowers that you use in weddings because
there's a lot of symbolic meaning behind flowers and I won't go into like whatever single flower
means but choosing specific flowers can help you bring the memories of people you love and pets you
love closer to you so the first question you can ask in the flower department is are there flowers
that are significant to you you might select ones that your person loved or that remind you of them a
lot of people think of things like lilacs or p&es for a mother or grandmother are very popular a lot
of kids like things like daisy so incorporating daisy's in a wedding bouquet is really fun and even if
your florist can't get in a specific flower lilacs are not in season you're around sometimes also
things like flowers can be expensive or they're not available or the wholesalers out of them or maybe
they just don't hold up well out of water I'm thinking things like hydrangeas you are beautiful puff
balls but every time you're out of water you just wiggle and go to pieces you can always explore
things like dried or artificial flowers both my sister and I incorporated artificial flowers on
our wedding day my sister's wedding bouquet was entirely artificial flowers and she incorporated some
artificial uh queenance lace which was our mom's favorite into her bouquet and for my wedding I wanted
my favorite flowers which are black-eyed seasons and my wife had a really wanted lavender and neither
of those things is in season in may in Chicago so I ordered artificial ones from an online store
just like a florist website and you can also do this from Etsy Michaels any craft store this
in your area and then I folded in these fake flowers alongside real flowers roses there's a blooming
branch called spideria uh rinoculus stock even some wildflowers in there from the pictures you have
no idea which flowers are fake and which flowers are real and the effect was it felt like both of us
and all the people that we love were represented in the flowers another thing that you can do and I
loved when people asked us to do this when I worked at a few like retail flower shops is adding photos
or like small tokens or memorabilia to your personal flowers and I say personal flowers but these
are things that you carry or wear so tiny lockets or charms or ribbons with initials sewn on them
can be woven or included on bouquets or boutoniers or pockets squares sometimes even flower
crowns if you want to do a flower crown for a wedding especially if you are a person who is walking
down the aisle at a wedding it can feel really special to gently like have your thumb on the charm
on your bouquet or put your hand over the locket that's been tucked into part of the boutonier
on your heart it's just a physical moment of you are with me I am with you we are not separated on
this day and then the last bit under flowers here is is color color is such a fun way to include
somebody that you love so maybe purple was your sister's favorite color or your grandfather always
gave to do yellow roses on every occasion so if it feels right and if it's something your partner
is into let your choice of color guide your palette for your wedding and something that's really
neat is in in the United States sympathy flowers and wedding flowers are generally the same color white
so a simple classic all white palette if you don't want to think about how to include all these
colors on your wedding day going all white can do sort of a double duty in terms of color scheme
you are joyful you are celebrating you are starting fresh which is kind of the symbol of a wedding
you are also mourning at the same time and just having the color white anywhere in your day
can really contribute to that sending a dual message even if you're the only one who's thinking
about that on the day all right the next section I want to get into here is about words because I
can't I can't do a wedding episode without talking about the words that we say on our wedding day so
speaking words that honor both grief and joy so whether you're religious or spiritual or
completely secular things like readings or writings like in your vows can help capture
how deep and rich the emotional complexity of the day is so the first thing I would do if I were
you is sort of take an inventory make a list of who's going to be speaking including you don't
forget yourself on your wedding day and then ask yourself the following questions number one
can I incorporate popular poetry or literature especially if you're a reader this might be
something that resonates with you because there's a lot of poets and authors that have written
books that reflect themes of memory or grief or enduring love I'm thinking Mary Oliver Pablo
Nauruda Rilca Ocean Wong there are so many different folks over the years and contemporary
who have written things about grief and you might even go back and listen to my podcast episode
with William Boortz we talked about Mother's Day and Poetry together for inspiration on poets to
consider as you are thinking about whose words to include on your wedding day second question what
I like to read a letter or journal entry written by the person I'm missing and make sure this letter
or journal entry is something they would have wanted right out loud like don't go reading their
private diaries at the reception but things like love letters or stories or jokes are almost always
appropriate to read at weddings and if you are not personally able to read a loved one's words without
falling to pieces although if you're going to cry on any day crying your wedding day you might enlist
a friend or family member to read this journal entry or this story from a loved one as a part of your
ceremony or the reception or you might even incorporate them somehow maybe a line or two into your
vows. Third question are there religious or spiritual texts that resonate with me and while they're
not comforting for everybody not everybody wants God at their wedding words that come from or feel
like they come from a higher power if they're comforting to you can feel like something solid
on a very griefy day and even if you aren't religious a verse or a blessing from your loved one's
tradition whatever religious or spiritual or cultural teachers in their part of can feel grounding.
Number four what I like to write a custom reading if you have an efficient or master of ceremonies
somebody who's kind of guiding the day for you with their words supplying them with statements
that set the space that you're in can feel very helpful when it comes to honoring not only your grief
but the griefs of all the other friends and family members in the room because I'll
guarantee you this on your wedding day you will not be the only one grieving these could include
things like a warm welcome to everyone who loves this couple including those who passed on.
There are some who cannot be here today and the couple carries their love with them into their
marriage or we honor everyone living and gone who showed the couple what it means to love and I
like tear up saying things like this because it's so special to just for two freaking seconds
acknowledge that there is everyone who is in this room or in this space right now and everyone who
is in this room and in this space right now is here and informed by and surrounded by whether you
believe in an afterlife or not those we have come from and just acknowledging their space in the room
can make a wedding feel so much deeper and so much richer and so much less like something that you
must look joyful for for the fun of it but something that's really been informed by and is
special because of who loved you and where you came from. I want to get into now a lot of people's
favorite parts of thinking about wedding planning and that is putting together rituals or memorials
a lot of people especially around like holiday seasons not necessarily for weddings talk about the
presence of the empty chair and so what do you do when there's a chair in the audience or a chair
or a space standing up next to you in a wedding party that's empty so things like memorials and
rituals whether they're things that have been set up and left there I call them static setups
or action oriented gestures things you do to acknowledge your grief are beautiful ways to honor
griefs presence on your wedding day in terms of kind of this first category fixed or static memorials
these are set up in one place for you and your guests to appreciate you might do something like
the empty chair a memorial chair with like a photo a flower a candle these are very common
when leaving a note or a program at the seat at the empty chair explaining what it is and
it's significant during your day this can also be a way if you are getting married kind of in front
of an audience for you to look out at the audience and not see an empty chair but something that is
full of their presence something that you've designed intentionally to be their looking back at you
kind of similar you could also do memory table that has framed photos or handwritten notes or
candles or objects that belong to your person this is especially helpful if you and your partner
have lost a lot of people between you or have a great lineage of people that you'd like to honor
on your wedding day you could also do something virtual digital like a slideshow or a memory wall and
this lets people kind of walk by or point out photos or notice themselves in pictures in a way
that honors your loved ones and their role in your life and also kind of invites people into a
space that's dedicated for sharing those kinds of grief stories if you are more interested
in performing an action or adding an action onto a static memorial or static ritual you could do
something like light a candle together or invite guests to light candles all at once you could release
dubs or butterflies if you're doing this please do it ethically and responsibly you can find out
more by googling ethical butterfly release ethical to have release in your area as a way to support
that i don't know a lot about it but i do know there are better and worse ways to do that also please
don't release balloons they're bad for the environment so release dubs or butterflies or something else
to symbolize transition and love and continuation you might play a favorite song of loved ones during
a quiet moment or do a dance in their honor i'm thinking of a lot of folks who've lost a parent will
dance with another parent or who've lost um uh a grandparent will dance with the other grandparent
and vice versa there's a lot of different ways to kind of swap out roles but have the dance be a
song that was significant to your loved one or to all of you you might also do something like pour
out a ceremonial drink this could be wine or tea or whiskey and a loved one's memory and let that
first metaphorical sip be for them or in their honor or you might plant something it kind of depends
on the venue if it's your backyard it's probably a go if it's like a public garden probably not
they'll come behind you and dig it up after you've gone um but something like planting a tree or flowers
or herbs as a part of the ceremony or reception can feel really really special and like you are doing
something that honors the past while also moving forward into the future something that grows
memorials and rituals just in general are really also great jobs to give trusted friends and family
who say things like let me know if there's anything i can do to help that dreaded sentence
that grieving people hear time and time again but if somebody comes to you and says let me know if
there's anything i can do to help and you genuinely trust them with one of these tasks you might
employ your techie cousin to put together a slideshow or you might call up your uncle who is a
landscaper and say hey can you source a tree from this nursery whatever you choose to do in terms
of memorial and rituals not necessarily about what you do it's about the intention that you have
behind it and how it honors your grief and the person or people who have died or pets who have
died that you are bringing with you into this day some thoughts i want to leave you with because i
know i just dumped a whole whole bunch of information about wedding stuff onto you in the midst of grief
and if you're not getting married anytime soon or if you've been married before maybe you're
grieving espouse this episode is it for you that's okay thank you for listening this far and also
if you know anybody getting married in the near future i would love it if you shared this episode
with them because whether they or their partner are grieving it's a really really helpful tool to
have in your back pocket when you're planning uh and have also experienced some sort of loss
the thing i want to leave you with is that your wedding day is all about you
but it's also all about your partner and it's also all about your grief there's a lot of people
riding in the medical vehicle car that is going that is following that path into the future for you
and planning a wedding while griefing requires a different approach than your generic like
run of the mill sans grief wedding planning because grief in and of itself demands space and time to pause
and consider things and ponder and create and to remember and feel and that's not a bad thing
it's very human to grieve on your wedding day and every other day but it does mean that this
process is going to require a little bit more energy and a lot of bit more consideration from you
and as a grieving person i cannot tell you in enough words how grateful i am to have planned
a grief honoring wedding with a partner who is also grieving i always say if you want to date and
marry a good person date a griever grievers are worth dating and this is not necessarily universal advice i
know that that some grieving people are not the kindest people in the world it is not a universal
statement but and i think a lot of society will discount grievers as damaged goods or broken or um
you've had your chance to be married and then your spouse died or you experienced another major loss
and they don't see grieving people as people who act with more intention or act with more care or act
with more love and history of loss in mind but it is something i deeply treasure like it is something
i'm i will say from the rooftops for as long as i live if you want somebody who's there for you
in sickness and in health marry a griever a griever who has welcomed their grief into their life and
like i said at the top of the show built a beautiful life that they love from the one that lost force to
them to live that is a person worth building a life alongside i got to tell you when Heather and I
got married it felt as if all of our loved ones got to come along for the ride even Tammy who i had
recently lost 12 days before our wedding and we could both sense it throughout the whole day
we felt as if everything we did and everywhere we went was somewhere that was also accompanied by all
the people that we lost so as you plan your wedding together as you're listening to this podcast as
you're watching this on youtube you might even go over to shelby for satia.com and read the accompanying
blog for this episode my hope for you is that you and your partner make loads and loads of room
for grief to come along for the ride in your own wedding because somehow and i still cannot
fully understand why grief shared especially grief shared with a partner is grief lightened.
i hope that this checklist that this episode has been a helpful guide and a starting point
for making room for your loss and your loved one on a big milestone day and whether you're in the
lead up to a wedding you've already gotten married you have no need for this episode but you
listen to anyway no matter where you are in grief if you're looking for even more tips and tools
for navigating life with grief plus weekly live coaching from me where i'll take your questions
on grief and living life after loss i hope you'll join us in life after loss academy there i will walk
you through my signature five step grief method for reestablishing reorienting rebuilding after loss
and address all of your struggles about life after loss including honoring your loved ones releasing
really heavy difficult painful emotions i'm thinking things like anger guilt regret despair
and also moving forward in the way that works best for you i would love to see you there
that's all for this episode of grief grower thank you so much for joining me today
if you're looking for grief support beyond this show you can find free workshops
blog articles and my signature what's your grief support style quiz at shallpeversithia.com/links
if this podcast felt comforting educational or otherwise helpful to you or someone you know
getting married soon please subscribe and leave a review on apple podcasts or Spotify and be
sure to share this show with a friend because you never know what someone you love is going through
a huge thank you to the grief growers community for supporting the show on patreon if you'd like
to join them and help me keep this show free from ads from addresses and multiple every kids
because grief is hard enough without commercials head to patreon.com/shellbeversithia as a patreon
supporter you get to help me choose new topics and guests for the show and you are the first to get
behind the scenes access to all of my upcoming projects like my new book which is coming out in 2026
grief grower is hosted by yours truly shall be for sitia and our music is composed by adi goldstein
until next time i see you i am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world
and i love you because even through grief we are growing