1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,880 your wedding day is all about you, but it's also all about your partner and it's also all about 2 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:10,240 your grief. And planning a wedding while griefing requires a different approach than your generic 3 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:33,120 like run-of-the-mill sans grief wedding planning. 4 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:38,800 Hi there grief growers and welcome back to another episode of grief grower. I am so honored to be here 5 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:45,840 with you today talking about this very very very close to my heart topic. If you've been growing 6 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:51,520 alongside me for a while welcome back and if you are new to me and my work hello. My name is Shelby 7 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:56,720 for Scythia. I am a grief coach. I'm a two-time author and founder of Life After Loss Academy 8 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:02,400 and I have helped thousands of grieving people stop feeling lost, stuck, broken and alone in the 9 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:08,400 aftermath of loss and start building lives that they genuinely love from the lives that loss 10 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:14,400 forced them to live. Here we not only honor death related losses but also losses like divorce 11 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:21,520 and breakup, major diagnosis and any other loss that changes your life. And on this show we believe 12 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:27,520 that grief is not something to get over as society so often tells us to do just get over it just 13 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:34,400 move on just let it go. But that grief is something to not get over but grow alongside and that when 14 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:40,240 we stop treating grief less like a thing that's in our way and more like an invitation to live more 15 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:47,120 deeply and to expand ourselves in our hearts we create these really rich and meaningful lives that 16 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:54,400 honor everything we've faced every one we carry with us and the preciousness of what it means to be 17 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:59,040 alive. And like I said at the top of the show we're going to be talking about something really special 18 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:06,720 today. My wife and I just celebrated their third wedding anniversary and I thought what better time 19 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:14,000 to talk about how to plan a wedding after the death of a loved one then right now then with three 20 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:21,120 years looking back on the day that we were wed. So I'm going to be sharing sort of some ideas, 21 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:27,120 some questions to ponder some suggestions for honoring grief and loss on your wedding day. 22 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:31,200 This episode is going to be different from some previous episodes where I have talked about 23 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:37,440 things like divorce and diagnosis. This topic got really long and so I am just sticking to for all 24 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:44,080 intents and purposes how to plan a wedding when someone you love a person or pet has died. But I'm sure 25 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:49,280 there is opportunity, plenty of opportunity in the future to talk about how to plan a wedding 26 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:54,480 after you've been divorced, how to plan a wedding after a major diagnosis, how to plan a wedding 27 00:02:54,480 --> 00:03:01,920 for insert other major loss here because wedding is basically just a stand-in for major joyful 28 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:08,400 life milestone. How to have a major joyful life milestone after something awful and heart-wrenching 29 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:13,520 and life changing has happened. So if this topic is interesting to you, if what I share is helpful 30 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:18,320 today but you really want to hear me talk about how to plan a wedding after a divorce or maybe things 31 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:25,360 to keep in mind after a diagnosis in planning for a wedding, let me know and I can absolutely expand 32 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:30,400 on this and refer back to it when I do. Another sort of disclaimer I want to give at the top here 33 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:38,800 is that I am a non-religious American based in the United States of grief support coach. So while 34 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:43,840 everything I have to say here is grounded both in personal experience, marrying my wife and the 35 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:49,440 insights I have in more than eight years of working with grieving people, it may not include key elements 36 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:53,520 of your cultural spiritual traditions. I may have left some things out. I may miss things. So take 37 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:58,240 what serves you. Add your own spin on things that I say and please, please, please, please, please 38 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:06,080 fold in and invent your own traditions where needed. So I want to start with talking about why 39 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:15,840 it's so important to talk about why and how wedding planning after a loss can feel so heavy. Like, 40 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:20,240 why it's important to talk about these things together because a lot of people will talk about grief 41 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:25,360 as a separate topic and wedding planning as a separate topic. But we need to put them together 42 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:29,120 because so many people who are planning weddings who are uniting their life with somebody else 43 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:35,680 are also grieving someone or someone's at the same time. And for me it showed up as this very 44 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:43,280 specific sort of aching. There was this as I was planning my wedding, my mom died in 2013. I was getting 45 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:50,880 married in 2022. There was this this joy and this dreads sort of like smashed and tangled together 46 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:55,520 in my chest. And I felt them all the time and they were clashing and competing against each other. 47 00:04:55,520 --> 00:05:03,440 In a way that I felt like wouldn't make sense to anybody who hadn't been here before. It was the 48 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:10,240 oh my god anticipation of a very very happy and long future. But sort of tethered to and tugged on 49 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:16,880 by sharply and constantly by this longing for someone, my mother, who only existed in my past. 50 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:21,760 And longtime listeners of this podcast and and people who paid attention to my work through the 51 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:30,160 years will also know that my best friend died suddenly from COVID 12 days before my wedding in 2022. 52 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:36,960 And missing her on that day as well was absolutely devastating. I didn't do so much planning 12 days 53 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:41,120 out. And so this article speaks more about the death of my mother than it does about the death of my 54 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:48,000 best friend. But getting ready to get married while grieving is a very specific sort of experience. 55 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:52,160 And one that I think we need to talk about a lot more because everything's happening all at once. 56 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:56,480 There's the present moment that you're living in. There's all the people and memories that brought 57 00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:01,280 you to this place the past. And then there's this path that's laid out before you and your partner 58 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:06,320 going forward and you are getting ready to go down it. And you might be a person who's imagined 59 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:10,960 your wedding says childhood before you even knew who your partner would be or you might be a person 60 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:15,120 who'd assumed maybe because of your loss that you'd never get married. And regardless which is 61 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:20,080 true or wherever you fall on that spectrum, you knew from the moment that your person died or your 62 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:26,000 pet that a joyful milestone day like this one would probably calm down the road. And that they 63 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:33,600 would not be here to commemorate it with you. Again, my mom died in 2013. I was 21. At the time, 64 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:38,240 I was dating somebody that I intended to marry as we often do in college. And one of the first 65 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:42,240 thoughts I had after my mother's death was, oh my god, she won't be at my wedding. And I have heard 66 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:47,600 so many stories from clients and students after the deaths of their parents or their grandparents 67 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:51,840 or their siblings or their children or their friends or their pets. And there is this heartic 68 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:58,560 in knowing with devastating certainty, no matter what happens, no matter what else changes in my life, 69 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:04,160 that this person or pet that I love will not be with me on one of the most significant days of my life. 70 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:10,800 And when I married my wife, her name is Heather in 2022, we were missing nine people between us. 71 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:16,080 She was missing seven. I was missing two. And every single part of our day together was interwoven 72 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:23,920 by grief. We chose carefully, very intentionally, what kind of wedding we wanted, not just for aesthetics, 73 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:29,760 not just for color schemes, not just for flowers and not just for sunshine, but for emotional survival, 74 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:35,200 so that we could get through it together. And this podcast episode today is based on our experience, 75 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,880 my experience, planning a wedding as a grieving person, getting married to a grieving person. 76 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:45,120 And the experiences of other grieving students and clients have shared with me. So please know 77 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:50,320 that the questions and suggestions about planning a wedding while grieving are not about directing 78 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:56,400 you to feel more joy than pain. I'm not trying to change the ratio of your emotional life in this episode. 79 00:07:56,400 --> 00:08:02,480 It's about creating space for both things to be true and making room on your wedding day, a day that 80 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:08,000 society tells you should be joyful, should be happy to have a stay or live. It makes room for the 81 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:12,560 foundations of love in your past. People you may be grieving places you may be grieving pets you 82 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:18,560 may be grieving as you step through this doorway, this life changing event and build upon those 83 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:24,320 foundations of love in the future. Getting married is not a doorway where you say, okay, I'm done 84 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:29,040 with that part of my life. I'm stepping into this one now. It is an opportunity for you to, as we 85 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:35,840 talk about on grief, go, or to expand to continue to grow and to have your life get bigger and richer 86 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:40,240 in a way that resonates with you. It's not shutting off all these people have died and now I'm going 87 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:44,400 into life with this new person. Now that's not what we're doing. It's all these people have died and 88 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:51,200 I'm taking them into my life with this new person. Okay, so the first thing I want to talk about is the 89 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:57,360 structure and format of your wedding choosing the right heavy air quotes on right type of wedding for 90 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:02,960 your grieving heart. And the big permission slip I want to offer you at the beginning of this is that 91 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:07,280 you do not have to do whatever one else is doing. You don't have to look on Instagram for inspiration, 92 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,320 you don't have to compete with your next door neighbor or the person you went to college with, 93 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:16,320 whatever the case may be. A wedding that includes your grief is a wedding that invites you to pause 94 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:22,320 and consider the following questions. Number one, how much energy do I realistically have to spend? 95 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:29,440 Because grief takes from you in ways that most people cannot see and sometimes understand. And even 96 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:35,520 the planning of something joyful can be exhausting. It costs. There's a grief tax that you pay and not 97 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:40,320 just in wedding planning, but like daily life, things like logistics, numbers, dates, timelines, 98 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:45,040 those are even more important when you're talking about planning, wedding and planning, wedding with 99 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:50,560 grief. So something like a smaller wedding or an allotment might offer you more peace of mind and 100 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:54,960 allow you to be more present with your partner on the day. And if you're looking for inspiration 101 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:59,440 on smaller weddings, you might try searching micro weddings on Google or Pinterest. This is kind of 102 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:04,560 a trend that's popped up in recent years and something that I think even more people will be 103 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:11,600 tilting into, especially as the economy is unstable. World leaders are doing awful things, especially 104 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:15,200 here in the United States. I think people are more interested in having things that feel smaller 105 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:22,240 and more intimate and more energy and resource saving, but also richer in emotional depth and 106 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:28,400 meaning. Second question, under kind of space and format for your wedding, what kind of emotional 107 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:34,400 space do I need? Do you want something that feels quiet or a communal celebration? When something 108 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:38,800 as big as a wedding party, wedding planning is basically planning a party, planning a funeral is 109 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,800 basically like planning a party, planning a wedding is basically like planning a party, will a party 110 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:48,720 energize or exhaust you? Can you alope now and host a celebration later? Unless your culture or 111 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:53,760 religion dictates a very specific wedding timeline and some do, feel free to get creative with the 112 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:57,680 timing of your wedding. This could look like having a very small church wedding now and an all-out 113 00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:02,720 party the same time next year on your first anniversary. My sister did this during COVID or this 114 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:08,240 could look like scheduling like times to pause or times to breathe into the day. These are moments of 115 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:13,040 space where you can be by yourself or alone with your partner between things like hair and makeup or 116 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:18,400 taking pictures or the ceremony, the reception rounds in the dance floor. Do you or can you schedule 117 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:23,600 times to regularly step away so that you can breathe and be with your heart and like do a little 118 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:28,080 check in beyond going to the bathroom, going to the bathroom when you're grieving and at a wedding 119 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:33,360 is not a break. You are often getting out of dresses or getting out of suits trying to just like do 120 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,120 the task going to the bathroom. That does not constitute a break. I'm talking about a very, 121 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:44,320 very scheduled breather that you fold into the day. Third question in this section, who do I want by my 122 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:50,160 side? Because so many of you listening know that when you grieve, your tolerance for surface 123 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:55,760 level relationships just plummets. So choosing people who are going to be at your wedding, 124 00:11:55,760 --> 00:12:00,960 who understand the fullness of your heart, everything you're carrying, including the things that 125 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:05,760 may still feel broken on your wedding day. This goes for your wedding party and your guest list, 126 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:10,880 but also applies to service professionals as well. So my wife and I chose to allow, and I'll talk 127 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:17,440 about that later, but we chose a grief friendly photographer who took so much pressure off us when 128 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:23,600 it came time to take literally a shit you not two hours worth of photos and simply reaching out to 129 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:28,000 her with I'm grieving my best friend. I'm grieving my mother. She's grieving almost every single member 130 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:33,840 for a immediate family. How can you help us honor that emotional experience? This opened doors for 131 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:39,040 all kinds of things that we did not consider. She gave us space to pause. She gave us moments where we 132 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:43,840 could just like take in the scenery before having to smile and turn to the camera. It was so incredibly 133 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:49,360 lovely. So telling this to your service providers for your wedding can open up all kinds of 134 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:55,040 options for things you didn't even think of. So your caterer might offer to make a dessert inspired 135 00:12:55,040 --> 00:13:00,880 by a relative's peach cobbler that has long passed. Your DJ might suggest that your end of the night's 136 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:07,040 end-off song is your brother's favorite song or favorite band. Your tailor could suggest adding 137 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:11,840 something onto your suit like extra pockets. So you can carry not only tissues because we will be 138 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:17,760 crying on our wedding days, but maybe your best friend's antique pocket watch something custom so that 139 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:24,000 you have the ability to honor your grief and the joy all at once. Next question here is where do I 140 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:29,520 want to be? This looks like choosing a location for your wedding that feels emotionally safe. This could 141 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,680 mean getting married in your backyard under the tree where your love won't always sat or maybe 142 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:40,480 somewhere so far away that it holds zero memories about grief or loss. This could be like a destination 143 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:44,320 wedding or something. Maybe place you or your partner has never been before. And so the memory that 144 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:51,200 you make there is the first one that you make together in this place. So as you consider venues, 145 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:54,800 ask yourself how long will it take to get there and potentially how much money will it take to get 146 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:59,920 there? How do you feel inside of it when you're there and does it have the space you need not only for 147 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:06,640 you and your partner and your guests, but also for your grief? Next question what time would feel best? 148 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:11,200 And I think this is such an underrated question when it comes to wedding planning in general, but 149 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:16,560 especially wedding planning with grief because considering what season you'd like to get married and 150 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:21,520 not just for the venue availability or the types of flowers, but also for how you carry your grief. 151 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:25,760 If winter holidays are hard, I'm thinking of things like Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New 152 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:31,200 years, you might choose to get married in May instead of December. If Father's Day feels really 153 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:37,120 shitty to you, perhaps September is a better fit for you than June when Father's Day occurs. 154 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:41,600 You could also expand this idea and consider getting married. A lot of people do things like getting 155 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:46,400 married on a loved ones birthday or their anniversary so that you have a shared celebration date and 156 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:51,120 common. A lot of people will get married on a grandparents or a parents wedding anniversary date 157 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:56,800 and that can feel like a good omen all the way around. My wife and I chose to get married on May 25 158 00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:04,880 or 525 because palindroms remind us of our parents. So the words mom and dad, M-O-M-D-O-D are both 159 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:10,000 palindroms. They're spelled the same backwards as they are forwards. So 525 is also palindrom. 160 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:16,480 We also chose to get married at 915 in the morning because that's when our energy was the highest. 161 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:22,160 We felt the most ready for the day first thing in the morning and so we took photos. We had tacos for 162 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:28,160 lunch and we got tattoos. We then went down for the count and took a nap at our hotel at 3 o'clock 163 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:34,240 and it was so nice, especially after the unexpected death of my best friend to be able to sleep 164 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:41,520 before getting back up and dressing up for wedding dinner. This was a very very intentional part 165 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:46,160 of our days. We start early. We're getting hair and makeup done at 6 in the morning. We're getting 166 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:50,880 married at 9. We're getting photos taken. We are living a whole life and then by 3 p.m you get the 167 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,880 chance to sleep and to rest and I have not heard anybody else have a wedding like that but I'll tell 168 00:15:54,880 --> 00:16:00,720 you as a grieving person already coming into this and then who was unexpectedly grieving 169 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:09,520 about two weeks before again a fresh loss, a new loss having pre-plant rest in the middle of the day 170 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:16,080 absolutely felt like a lifesaver and a game changer. The second really big kind of umbrella topic 171 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:20,800 I want to talk about here is clothing because this is something that has so much meaning and memory 172 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:25,680 for people around their wedding day. I mean people are passing down wedding dresses and suits 173 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:30,800 from decades ago or jewelry or things like that and so considering what you'd like to wear and how 174 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:36,320 you'd like to wear it is a really lovely way to think about how to honor loved ones on a wedding day. 175 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:41,200 So one question to ask yourself might be can I repurpose something that I already love? So this 176 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:47,360 could be your father's cufflinks. You might reimagine a dress that belonged to your mom or your 177 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:52,480 grandmother or an aunt or another matriarch in your family. Maybe you sew the tag from your pets 178 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:56,960 collar or swatch of a child's favorite pair of overalls into your suit jacket so that when you open 179 00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:03,360 up you can see it there. And something I really love about clothing too is you don't have to have 180 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:09,280 something already. A lot of folks who face natural disasters do not have access to memorial clothing 181 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:14,800 or clothing that belong to a loved one. You can also stitch new meaning directly onto fabric. So 182 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:21,680 things like initials or flowers or flags or symbols or handwriting can all be embroidered onto 183 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:26,320 different kinds of fabrics. I'm thinking dresses or suits or hats or veils or pocket squares. If your 184 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:31,920 shoes are made of kind of a bendy fabric like a canvas or something you can even embroider things 185 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:37,200 like shoes. And this is such a neat way if you don't have access to a loved ones clothing or you 186 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:42,000 never had access to it or you lost it through another major grief event. This is a way to bring 187 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:46,880 your loved one with you even if you don't have articles of clothing or items that belong to them. 188 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:52,240 When we got married Heather chose to wear her dad's tartan. It's like a Scottish stripe pattern 189 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:57,120 suspenders for our wedding. We did a few photos with her suit jacket off and it was really, 190 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:02,400 really beautiful to see her dad's presence and by proxy kind of like his whole lineage is presence 191 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:09,040 on full display. She also lost her paternal grandparents. And if you don't want to alter the clothing 192 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:12,960 that you're wearing and if you don't have the energy to like sew new things onto clothing you're 193 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:19,120 wearing you might also do something like displaying a loved ones clothing. I recently saw an Instagram 194 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:27,600 reel where the bride and her partner put together like a like a mannequin display of her mother and 195 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:33,280 her mother-in-law's bridal gowns at a special table during cocktail hour with photos of them 196 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:38,320 on their wedding day. So kind of like the generation up before that. And so they became conversation 197 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:43,200 pieces that their guests could talk about and that they could have in the room with them as they were 198 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:47,760 getting married. And so there's all kinds of ways that you can incorporate clothing into your wedding 199 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:54,640 and this can fold into your wedding planning as well. Other things to consider is if you have accessories 200 00:18:54,640 --> 00:19:00,480 that can carry your loved ones with you things like honoring a loved one through jewelry or watches 201 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:06,240 or shoes or glasses but also things that are like less seen so like the way you do your hair or 202 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:13,840 perfume or cologne these can all invoke the presence and the essence of someone who's no longer here 203 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:20,160 and these details can be like unspoken portable altars that you carry with you throughout your 204 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:24,800 wedding day. So something I like to talk about is both my engagement ring and wedding ring contained 205 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:30,640 diamonds from my mom and from Heather's mom as well and Heather's wedding band is her mom's wedding 206 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:34,640 band that got a nice fresh polish. She just basically took the wedding band that her mom more 207 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:40,640 all throughout her life and said can you polish the scuffs out of this and then she wears that now 208 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:45,840 as her wedding ring and so literally reusing jewelry you do not always need something new and we 209 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:51,200 just had our jeweler engraved very shallowly little engravings of our handwriting on the inside of 210 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:57,360 our rings so that they had an even more special touch to them but in terms of needing to have things 211 00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:02,400 beat brand new not the case with weddings and so every time I look down at my fingers I don't just 212 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:07,040 see myself and my wife I see our parents as well and it's something that's really beautiful 213 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:13,920 that I love about how we chose to put our wedding together. This next section is my favorite 214 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:20,160 because as some of you know not all of you might know this but I'm a freelance florist one of my 215 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:25,920 first jobs here in Chicago was as a floral designer and it continues to be something I do on the 216 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:32,000 weekends for fun is flowers talking about the flowers that you use in weddings because 217 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:36,320 there's a lot of symbolic meaning behind flowers and I won't go into like whatever single flower 218 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:42,080 means but choosing specific flowers can help you bring the memories of people you love and pets you 219 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:47,440 love closer to you so the first question you can ask in the flower department is are there flowers 220 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:52,160 that are significant to you you might select ones that your person loved or that remind you of them a 221 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:57,200 lot of people think of things like lilacs or p&es for a mother or grandmother are very popular a lot 222 00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:01,840 of kids like things like daisy so incorporating daisy's in a wedding bouquet is really fun and even if 223 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:06,880 your florist can't get in a specific flower lilacs are not in season you're around sometimes also 224 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:11,040 things like flowers can be expensive or they're not available or the wholesalers out of them or maybe 225 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:15,440 they just don't hold up well out of water I'm thinking things like hydrangeas you are beautiful puff 226 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:20,080 balls but every time you're out of water you just wiggle and go to pieces you can always explore 227 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:24,960 things like dried or artificial flowers both my sister and I incorporated artificial flowers on 228 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:30,560 our wedding day my sister's wedding bouquet was entirely artificial flowers and she incorporated some 229 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:35,920 artificial uh queenance lace which was our mom's favorite into her bouquet and for my wedding I wanted 230 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:40,960 my favorite flowers which are black-eyed seasons and my wife had a really wanted lavender and neither 231 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:46,160 of those things is in season in may in Chicago so I ordered artificial ones from an online store 232 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:51,600 just like a florist website and you can also do this from Etsy Michaels any craft store this 233 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:57,600 in your area and then I folded in these fake flowers alongside real flowers roses there's a blooming 234 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:04,400 branch called spideria uh rinoculus stock even some wildflowers in there from the pictures you have 235 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:10,800 no idea which flowers are fake and which flowers are real and the effect was it felt like both of us 236 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:16,880 and all the people that we love were represented in the flowers another thing that you can do and I 237 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:22,880 loved when people asked us to do this when I worked at a few like retail flower shops is adding photos 238 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:28,000 or like small tokens or memorabilia to your personal flowers and I say personal flowers but these 239 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:35,200 are things that you carry or wear so tiny lockets or charms or ribbons with initials sewn on them 240 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:40,160 can be woven or included on bouquets or boutoniers or pockets squares sometimes even flower 241 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:44,880 crowns if you want to do a flower crown for a wedding especially if you are a person who is walking 242 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:50,240 down the aisle at a wedding it can feel really special to gently like have your thumb on the charm 243 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:55,360 on your bouquet or put your hand over the locket that's been tucked into part of the boutonier 244 00:22:55,360 --> 00:23:00,720 on your heart it's just a physical moment of you are with me I am with you we are not separated on 245 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:06,160 this day and then the last bit under flowers here is is color color is such a fun way to include 246 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:11,200 somebody that you love so maybe purple was your sister's favorite color or your grandfather always 247 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:16,320 gave to do yellow roses on every occasion so if it feels right and if it's something your partner 248 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:20,880 is into let your choice of color guide your palette for your wedding and something that's really 249 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:27,360 neat is in in the United States sympathy flowers and wedding flowers are generally the same color white 250 00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:31,840 so a simple classic all white palette if you don't want to think about how to include all these 251 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:37,680 colors on your wedding day going all white can do sort of a double duty in terms of color scheme 252 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:42,800 you are joyful you are celebrating you are starting fresh which is kind of the symbol of a wedding 253 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:48,560 you are also mourning at the same time and just having the color white anywhere in your day 254 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:54,640 can really contribute to that sending a dual message even if you're the only one who's thinking 255 00:23:54,640 --> 00:24:00,560 about that on the day all right the next section I want to get into here is about words because I 256 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:06,800 can't I can't do a wedding episode without talking about the words that we say on our wedding day so 257 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:11,360 speaking words that honor both grief and joy so whether you're religious or spiritual or 258 00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:17,680 completely secular things like readings or writings like in your vows can help capture 259 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:23,600 how deep and rich the emotional complexity of the day is so the first thing I would do if I were 260 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:28,240 you is sort of take an inventory make a list of who's going to be speaking including you don't 261 00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:33,200 forget yourself on your wedding day and then ask yourself the following questions number one 262 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:37,120 can I incorporate popular poetry or literature especially if you're a reader this might be 263 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:41,120 something that resonates with you because there's a lot of poets and authors that have written 264 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:46,720 books that reflect themes of memory or grief or enduring love I'm thinking Mary Oliver Pablo 265 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:53,040 Nauruda Rilca Ocean Wong there are so many different folks over the years and contemporary 266 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:57,360 who have written things about grief and you might even go back and listen to my podcast episode 267 00:24:57,360 --> 00:25:01,920 with William Boortz we talked about Mother's Day and Poetry together for inspiration on poets to 268 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:08,960 consider as you are thinking about whose words to include on your wedding day second question what 269 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:14,000 I like to read a letter or journal entry written by the person I'm missing and make sure this letter 270 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:17,280 or journal entry is something they would have wanted right out loud like don't go reading their 271 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:22,720 private diaries at the reception but things like love letters or stories or jokes are almost always 272 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:28,080 appropriate to read at weddings and if you are not personally able to read a loved one's words without 273 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:34,080 falling to pieces although if you're going to cry on any day crying your wedding day you might enlist 274 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:38,640 a friend or family member to read this journal entry or this story from a loved one as a part of your 275 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:44,160 ceremony or the reception or you might even incorporate them somehow maybe a line or two into your 276 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:50,800 vows. Third question are there religious or spiritual texts that resonate with me and while they're 277 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:56,800 not comforting for everybody not everybody wants God at their wedding words that come from or feel 278 00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:01,200 like they come from a higher power if they're comforting to you can feel like something solid 279 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:06,640 on a very griefy day and even if you aren't religious a verse or a blessing from your loved one's 280 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:12,880 tradition whatever religious or spiritual or cultural teachers in their part of can feel grounding. 281 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:21,280 Number four what I like to write a custom reading if you have an efficient or master of ceremonies 282 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:26,000 somebody who's kind of guiding the day for you with their words supplying them with statements 283 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:31,840 that set the space that you're in can feel very helpful when it comes to honoring not only your grief 284 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,960 but the griefs of all the other friends and family members in the room because I'll 285 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:40,160 guarantee you this on your wedding day you will not be the only one grieving these could include 286 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:45,440 things like a warm welcome to everyone who loves this couple including those who passed on. 287 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:50,160 There are some who cannot be here today and the couple carries their love with them into their 288 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:57,360 marriage or we honor everyone living and gone who showed the couple what it means to love and I 289 00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:03,040 like tear up saying things like this because it's so special to just for two freaking seconds 290 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:08,880 acknowledge that there is everyone who is in this room or in this space right now and everyone who 291 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:14,480 is in this room and in this space right now is here and informed by and surrounded by whether you 292 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:20,400 believe in an afterlife or not those we have come from and just acknowledging their space in the room 293 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:26,880 can make a wedding feel so much deeper and so much richer and so much less like something that you 294 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:31,760 must look joyful for for the fun of it but something that's really been informed by and is 295 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:40,000 special because of who loved you and where you came from. I want to get into now a lot of people's 296 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:45,840 favorite parts of thinking about wedding planning and that is putting together rituals or memorials 297 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:50,160 a lot of people especially around like holiday seasons not necessarily for weddings talk about the 298 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:55,520 presence of the empty chair and so what do you do when there's a chair in the audience or a chair 299 00:27:55,520 --> 00:28:00,320 or a space standing up next to you in a wedding party that's empty so things like memorials and 300 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:04,640 rituals whether they're things that have been set up and left there I call them static setups 301 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:10,800 or action oriented gestures things you do to acknowledge your grief are beautiful ways to honor 302 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:16,720 griefs presence on your wedding day in terms of kind of this first category fixed or static memorials 303 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:20,960 these are set up in one place for you and your guests to appreciate you might do something like 304 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:27,600 the empty chair a memorial chair with like a photo a flower a candle these are very common 305 00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:32,240 when leaving a note or a program at the seat at the empty chair explaining what it is and 306 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:37,120 it's significant during your day this can also be a way if you are getting married kind of in front 307 00:28:37,120 --> 00:28:41,360 of an audience for you to look out at the audience and not see an empty chair but something that is 308 00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:46,320 full of their presence something that you've designed intentionally to be their looking back at you 309 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:50,560 kind of similar you could also do memory table that has framed photos or handwritten notes or 310 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:54,800 candles or objects that belong to your person this is especially helpful if you and your partner 311 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:59,680 have lost a lot of people between you or have a great lineage of people that you'd like to honor 312 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:05,360 on your wedding day you could also do something virtual digital like a slideshow or a memory wall and 313 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:12,320 this lets people kind of walk by or point out photos or notice themselves in pictures in a way 314 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:18,000 that honors your loved ones and their role in your life and also kind of invites people into a 315 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:24,240 space that's dedicated for sharing those kinds of grief stories if you are more interested 316 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:30,000 in performing an action or adding an action onto a static memorial or static ritual you could do 317 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:35,520 something like light a candle together or invite guests to light candles all at once you could release 318 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:41,360 dubs or butterflies if you're doing this please do it ethically and responsibly you can find out 319 00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:47,520 more by googling ethical butterfly release ethical to have release in your area as a way to support 320 00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:50,960 that i don't know a lot about it but i do know there are better and worse ways to do that also please 321 00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:56,400 don't release balloons they're bad for the environment so release dubs or butterflies or something else 322 00:29:56,400 --> 00:30:02,240 to symbolize transition and love and continuation you might play a favorite song of loved ones during 323 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:08,080 a quiet moment or do a dance in their honor i'm thinking of a lot of folks who've lost a parent will 324 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:13,920 dance with another parent or who've lost um uh a grandparent will dance with the other grandparent 325 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:18,720 and vice versa there's a lot of different ways to kind of swap out roles but have the dance be a 326 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:24,000 song that was significant to your loved one or to all of you you might also do something like pour 327 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:28,640 out a ceremonial drink this could be wine or tea or whiskey and a loved one's memory and let that 328 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:33,920 first metaphorical sip be for them or in their honor or you might plant something it kind of depends 329 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:38,880 on the venue if it's your backyard it's probably a go if it's like a public garden probably not 330 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:44,080 they'll come behind you and dig it up after you've gone um but something like planting a tree or flowers 331 00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:49,840 or herbs as a part of the ceremony or reception can feel really really special and like you are doing 332 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:54,160 something that honors the past while also moving forward into the future something that grows 333 00:30:54,160 --> 00:31:01,760 memorials and rituals just in general are really also great jobs to give trusted friends and family 334 00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:06,320 who say things like let me know if there's anything i can do to help that dreaded sentence 335 00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:11,680 that grieving people hear time and time again but if somebody comes to you and says let me know if 336 00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:16,000 there's anything i can do to help and you genuinely trust them with one of these tasks you might 337 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:21,760 employ your techie cousin to put together a slideshow or you might call up your uncle who is a 338 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:27,520 landscaper and say hey can you source a tree from this nursery whatever you choose to do in terms 339 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:33,040 of memorial and rituals not necessarily about what you do it's about the intention that you have 340 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:39,840 behind it and how it honors your grief and the person or people who have died or pets who have 341 00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:46,240 died that you are bringing with you into this day some thoughts i want to leave you with because i 342 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:52,080 know i just dumped a whole whole bunch of information about wedding stuff onto you in the midst of grief 343 00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:55,120 and if you're not getting married anytime soon or if you've been married before maybe you're 344 00:31:55,120 --> 00:32:00,000 grieving espouse this episode is it for you that's okay thank you for listening this far and also 345 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:04,320 if you know anybody getting married in the near future i would love it if you shared this episode 346 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:08,800 with them because whether they or their partner are grieving it's a really really helpful tool to 347 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:13,920 have in your back pocket when you're planning uh and have also experienced some sort of loss 348 00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:17,440 the thing i want to leave you with is that your wedding day is all about you 349 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:23,200 but it's also all about your partner and it's also all about your grief there's a lot of people 350 00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:29,120 riding in the medical vehicle car that is going that is following that path into the future for you 351 00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:34,240 and planning a wedding while griefing requires a different approach than your generic like 352 00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:40,640 run of the mill sans grief wedding planning because grief in and of itself demands space and time to pause 353 00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:46,000 and consider things and ponder and create and to remember and feel and that's not a bad thing 354 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:51,440 it's very human to grieve on your wedding day and every other day but it does mean that this 355 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:56,880 process is going to require a little bit more energy and a lot of bit more consideration from you 356 00:32:56,880 --> 00:33:03,920 and as a grieving person i cannot tell you in enough words how grateful i am to have planned 357 00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:09,920 a grief honoring wedding with a partner who is also grieving i always say if you want to date and 358 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:16,720 marry a good person date a griever grievers are worth dating and this is not necessarily universal advice i 359 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:22,880 know that that some grieving people are not the kindest people in the world it is not a universal 360 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:32,240 statement but and i think a lot of society will discount grievers as damaged goods or broken or um 361 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:37,760 you've had your chance to be married and then your spouse died or you experienced another major loss 362 00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:46,960 and they don't see grieving people as people who act with more intention or act with more care or act 363 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:54,400 with more love and history of loss in mind but it is something i deeply treasure like it is something 364 00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:58,880 i'm i will say from the rooftops for as long as i live if you want somebody who's there for you 365 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:06,720 in sickness and in health marry a griever a griever who has welcomed their grief into their life and 366 00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:11,760 like i said at the top of the show built a beautiful life that they love from the one that lost force to 367 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:18,080 them to live that is a person worth building a life alongside i got to tell you when Heather and I 368 00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:24,640 got married it felt as if all of our loved ones got to come along for the ride even Tammy who i had 369 00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:31,680 recently lost 12 days before our wedding and we could both sense it throughout the whole day 370 00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:38,960 we felt as if everything we did and everywhere we went was somewhere that was also accompanied by all 371 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:44,000 the people that we lost so as you plan your wedding together as you're listening to this podcast as 372 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:48,560 you're watching this on youtube you might even go over to shelby for satia.com and read the accompanying 373 00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:54,480 blog for this episode my hope for you is that you and your partner make loads and loads of room 374 00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:59,360 for grief to come along for the ride in your own wedding because somehow and i still cannot 375 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:07,600 fully understand why grief shared especially grief shared with a partner is grief lightened. 376 00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:13,600 i hope that this checklist that this episode has been a helpful guide and a starting point 377 00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:19,120 for making room for your loss and your loved one on a big milestone day and whether you're in the 378 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:23,680 lead up to a wedding you've already gotten married you have no need for this episode but you 379 00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:28,880 listen to anyway no matter where you are in grief if you're looking for even more tips and tools 380 00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:33,520 for navigating life with grief plus weekly live coaching from me where i'll take your questions 381 00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:39,600 on grief and living life after loss i hope you'll join us in life after loss academy there i will walk 382 00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:46,800 you through my signature five step grief method for reestablishing reorienting rebuilding after loss 383 00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:52,560 and address all of your struggles about life after loss including honoring your loved ones releasing 384 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:58,480 really heavy difficult painful emotions i'm thinking things like anger guilt regret despair 385 00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:03,760 and also moving forward in the way that works best for you i would love to see you there 386 00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:15,600 that's all for this episode of grief grower thank you so much for joining me today 387 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:20,080 if you're looking for grief support beyond this show you can find free workshops 388 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:26,400 blog articles and my signature what's your grief support style quiz at shallpeversithia.com/links 389 00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:30,800 if this podcast felt comforting educational or otherwise helpful to you or someone you know 390 00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:36,240 getting married soon please subscribe and leave a review on apple podcasts or Spotify and be 391 00:36:36,240 --> 00:36:40,480 sure to share this show with a friend because you never know what someone you love is going through 392 00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:45,920 a huge thank you to the grief growers community for supporting the show on patreon if you'd like 393 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:49,840 to join them and help me keep this show free from ads from addresses and multiple every kids 394 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:56,160 because grief is hard enough without commercials head to patreon.com/shellbeversithia as a patreon 395 00:36:56,160 --> 00:37:00,480 supporter you get to help me choose new topics and guests for the show and you are the first to get 396 00:37:00,480 --> 00:37:06,320 behind the scenes access to all of my upcoming projects like my new book which is coming out in 2026 397 00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:12,480 grief grower is hosted by yours truly shall be for sitia and our music is composed by adi goldstein 398 00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:19,040 until next time i see you i am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world 399 00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:25,360 and i love you because even through grief we are growing