When someone says sorry for your loss once and then never follows up, it sends a message.
I acknowledge your grief that I'm not willing to stay in it with you.
But when someone says, "Of course this still hurts, months, and years after the fact,"
it says something radically different to your grieving front.
Your pain still matters, your loss still matters, and so do you.
Words like this can change a grievous day.
Which consistently they can change the course of your relationship.
And when we use them collectively, they can change our culture and the world.
That is the power of words in the face of grief.
[Music]
Hi there, grief growers.
I am so honored and grateful to be here with you today, as always.
If you have been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back.
And if you are new to me and my work, hello.
My name is Shelby Fersitia.
I am a grief coach, three-time author and the founder of Life After Loss Academy,
which is an online course and community that has helped dozens of grieving people stop
feeling lost, stuck, broken, and alone.
And start building lives they genuinely love from the lives lost force them to live.
This, of course, includes not only death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup,
major diagnosis, and any other loss that changes your life.
Here on Griefgrower, we believe that grief is not something we get over.
It is something that we grow with and alongside and that when we stop treating grief like a problem
to be solved and instead start treating it like an invitation to live more deeply,
we can create meaningful lives that are rich with the memories that we carry,
the struggles that we faced, and the preciousness, the real true preciousness
of what it is to be alive right here and right now.
Before we get into this episode, which is the fifth episode in my supporting someone podcast
series, who knows how long this is going to go on, but I'm very excited to bring another one to you.
I am so excited to tell you that release day for my third book, which is called, of course,
I'm here right now. Three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving is coming up so soon
on March 31st. This little guidebook, it is less than 300 pages, teaches you how to support a
grieving person in your life with the best free tool that any of us has words so that you will never,
ever enter another conversation with a grieving person wondering, what on earth do I say to comfort
them? As an author, I always have to say that pre-orders are super helpful when it comes to getting the
book seen by bookstores and the marketing powers that be in this the world of capitalism and otherwise,
so you can find a link to pre-order, of course, I'm here right now in the show notes.
If you have already pre-ordered the book, thank you so much. You can submit your receipt number
from Bookshop, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, your local indie bookstore. On my website,
shall be for city.com to access my free six week book club where we will read this book, of course,
I'm here right now in its entirety and discuss it together as a group. The book club kicks off in
early April, so do be sure you have the book before then. And last thing, if you would like to celebrate
the launch of this book with me, I am hosting two launch parties that I would love to see you at.
The first one is taking place the eve before the book comes out here in Chicago on March 30th.
The second one is the day that the book comes out March 31st on YouTube worldwide, so no matter
where in the world you live, you can tune in to hear more about the clients and the interactions that
inspired this book and what to say to someone grieving, plus hear me read some excerpts from the book
live. And of course, the replay of that virtual event will be available if you can't attend in person.
You can snag tickets for both of these launch events at the link in my bio. Now let's get to today's
episode. All right, so as I mentioned earlier, today's episode is another one in the supporting
someone mini series that I have put together to talk about how do we support someone who's
grieving in our lives. And I recently received a letter from someone who is supporting a grieving
friend that inspired the creation of this episode. She wrote, "Hi, Shelby. One of my closest co-workers
just lost her partner suddenly. I have worked with her for over five years and consider her a real
friend, not just a colleague. I sent a card in flowers right after I heard the news, but now I'm
in that a loss for what else to say. I want to be there for her and I know she's really hurting,
but I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing or somehow making it worse. I know from listening to your
show that platitudes like Time Heels All and I can't imagine what you're going through are not helpful.
There are a lot of articles about what not to say online and a ton of advice from grievers that
says, "Just be there." But I feel like I need to do more for her than just sit in silence with her.
I don't want to disappear, but I also don't want to bug her by constantly saying,
"How are you, either?" What is the right thing to say to someone grieving? And how do I show up for
my friend in a way that actually feels comforting to her? I am so glad that you ask this question.
And it is one I hear often as a grief coach who supports grievers and also who teaches the people
surrounding them how to be better supports for them. It is a dilemma that plagues not just the
close friends and family of grievers, but also, like you let her write her, their co-workers,
their neighbors, their acquaintances, total strangers, when someone shares a grief story,
what on earth do I say? Because when someone shares their pain with you or you discover from a company
wide email or through the great vine of gossip that someone you care about is grieving a loss,
you have immediately in that moment an invisible yet significant invitation to respond compassionately
to it. And far and away, the fastest, easiest, most affordable and most comforting way you can do that
is by using your words. On this episode today, I'm going to share with you why words are so important
to the grieving people in your midst. I will give you my three short simple phrases based on my book,
of course, I'm here right now that offer support better than cringy platitudes or cliches like time
heals all and how to be there verbally for your grieving friend, not just in the moments immediately
following a loss, but also in the days and the months and even the years that follow. Something that I
believe at my core and that I have had a reinforced at me or to me through my own grief experience,
but also with working with greeting clients or more than 10 years is that words are the foundation
of all good grief support. And this is kind of a bummer because we live in a society that underestimates
the power of words until grief enters the room. And then suddenly everyone's scrambling for the
perfecting to say or choosing to say nothing at all. And here's what I mean by that. Society will often
say things like sticks and stones may break my bones, what words will never hurt me. But if you have
ever gone through deep grief, you know that that is untrue because essentially what the phrase is
saying is that words have no power. Words can actually hurt me only me getting beat up is actually
painful, but that's a lie. And grievers know it's a lie. And even people who have never grieved know
it's a lie. Words can be painful and words can be comforting. Simply put, words matter and not just
the hurtful ones, the kind, intentional, thoughtful words also make a difference in how we live our lives.
They are one of the most powerful and completely free grief support tools that we always have at our
disposal. Whether you are used to talking to a grieving person over text, email phone, FaceTime,
in person, the one thing that all of those mediums have in common is that words are the foundation of
communication. Yes, there are non-language elements, things like gestures, tones of voice, facial
expressions, even like physical touch, a hand on the shoulder for in-person interactions. But so many
grieving people say, and I felt this through my own experience after my mom died, my best friend
died, my cat died, I had an engagement break up, I got diagnosed with a chronic illness, many grieving
people say words speak louder than actions. I'm going to say that again, grieving people believe
that words speak louder than actions. And I'll give you the clearest illustration I can. It is so hard
to feel comforted when someone kindly touches your shoulder and says, God just need another angel.
Barf. I want to, for this letter writer specifically, but if you're listening to the show and you're
like, I do not know what to say to comfort someone who is grieving, I want to reassure you that you're
not the only one. It makes sense that you aren't unsure of what to say to your grieving friend,
because a lot of articles online will say, just be there for them, or they'll say, here's what not to
say, or they'll say, your presence in and of itself speaks the world. But what does that mean?
Practically, doesn't mean that you need to bring dinner, doesn't mean that you should just sit there
in silence like a bump on a log. Are you supposed to be asking questions? How are you? What's your heart
like? How's your grief feeling today? Are you supposed to not be asking questions? Not everyone in
life after loss is comfortable as a supporter just being there. And I really resonate with that. I'm
like, no, no, I need to do something. I need to say something. I need to take an action in the presence
of this thing. And that's something I'm actively working on is that being a human being is very
tricky for me, but so many people who are supporting grievers, they're like, I don't just want to sit
there and do nothing. Because especially if you sit there and do nothing and say nothing, a lot of
times that can be interpreted by a grieving person is they simply do not care. This is where language
becomes your greatest grief support tool. You do not have to perform a perfect act of service. You
don't have to make a casserole. You do not have to offer profound advice to the person in your
midst who is grieving. You just have to speak to them in a way that says, I care, I see your pain,
and I'm not going anywhere. And I want to get at why you let her writer and probably the person
listening to the show cares so much about words and why they matter. Because underneath the question,
what do I say to support someone grieving? There is a much deeper motivation. There's a much deeper
desire. First, on an internal level, you want to be a good friend. You want to believe you are a
good friend. You want to have this identity of I am someone who knows how to support the people in
my midst. That is not a selfish thing to want to have or be. We all want to be seen as kind,
compassionate, intuitive heartfelt people. That's an internal motivation. On an external motivation,
you want to genuinely support the person in your midst who is grieving. You want to offer comfort
that feels meaningful and genuinely helpful to them. You don't just want to give them a heap of
words. That's like here you go in your direction. And then they're left like, what do I do with this?
Or that feels like nothing, I guess, thanks. You want to give them something that actually feels
like a balm to their grief. It may not fix things because words do not have that power, but it helps
them feel seen and heard and known and loved in that interaction with you. So that's your external
goal. The last goal you have is one that's global. You want to live in a world where all grief,
all loss, all pain, whole heartbreak is met with kindness and not ignored, where it is acknowledged
in the room and not forgotten. When you ask, what do I say to support someone grieving? You are not
just trying to check a box or send the right text message so you can get on with your day. You are
trying to make sure your grieving person feels loved and cared for and less alone in the aftermath
of loss, whether it's been days, weeks, months or years. That desire to offer comfort in a world of
dismissive, yeah, yes, sticks and stones break my bones is a gift. I hope as a grief professional and
as a person who has experienced many losses that you will hold on to that because when we show up
for one grieving person in our lives with compassion, we contribute to a world that shows up for all
grieving people today and tomorrow and years and years from now. You can literally create a ripple
effect of compassion with words alone. Your best free tool for supporting someone in your life
who's grieving. Here's the part I know you've been waiting for. The three phrases that every
griever needs to hear from you as a person in their support system network, whether you a friend,
family member, coworker, neighbor, anyone who is adjacent to a grieving person. This framework,
these three phrases have arrived to me after more than a decade of teaching practical tools and
comforting words to both grievers and the people supporting them and sometimes grievers are the people
supporting other grievers. So like the circle is a very complete one, the vent diagram is a circle.
Many, many times the people who are supporting other people who are grieving are grievers themselves.
So this is the three part phrase selection that helps you answer this exact question. What do I say
to comfort someone who's grieving? It is the title of my book and it also is the heart of this episode.
Of course, I'm here right now. That's it. These three short phrases are adaptable to any
situation or loss. They are authentic. They can come from your heart and you can play with different
permutations and combinations and they again are effective across all types of grief. On the show,
we talk about death divorce diagnosis every other major life transition. They do not overwhelm. They
do not pressure your griever to be anything other than what they are or what they feel in this moment.
They do not minimize their grief or spiritualize the meaning behind it all. Instead, these three
phrases affirm what they are feeling and come along beside them. They accompany them, which is
exactly what grieving people need when their hearts are broken. So I'm going to take you step by step
through each phrase and tell you why each one is so powerful and so significant and kind of some
examples of one and how to use them. The first one is of course, this is your go-to phrase for validating
your grieving friends' emotions. When their world has been ripped apart, grieving people often wonder
if their reaction is too big or too messy or too much or taking too long and they want to know
is it normal to feel this way? They may say things like no one else feels like this or I feel so crazy
or I feel so out of order or everything is so uncertain. I have so much anxiety and I don't know why.
So saying, of course, in your interactions with your friend answers the question of what I say to
someone who's grieving without making them defend or explain a way their grief. You could say like,
"Of course, this is hard. Of course, you can't sleep right now. Of course, this still feels surreal
or unreal. Of course, you miss your person or your pet every minute. That makes total sense to me."
Look how easy that is. Of course, insert their lived reality here. This phrase gently reminds the
person that you were interacting with. You are not crazy. You are not wrong. You are not bad. You
are not broken. You are simply grieving. Of course. Number two is, "I'm here." This is your best phrase
for presence because the number one experience that all grievers report is isolation. People vanish
after the funeral. After the divorce papers are finalized. After news of the diagnosis gets lost
in the next wave of Chidu's and breaking world news, text messages of support slowdown,
invitations to spend time together disappear and your grieving friend is wondering who still cares
about me? Does anyone care about my loss? So saying I'm here in different permutations and
combinations keeps you in their radar as a supporter in the picture of their life. You are constantly
reminding them of your presence without the need to fix anything. So saying something like,
"I'm here for whatever you need even if that's space." Or, "I'm here and I'm not afraid of your
grief. I'm not afraid that grief comes into every room with you." I'm here and I haven't forgotten
that you're grieving. That's one of my favorites. I have not forgotten that you're grieving. Not just
I'm here for you. It's that grief is included and your loss is included in the whole picture of who
I know you to be now. I'm here. This phrase builds long-term trust, especially when you issue it
every couple months, every couple weeks, with the frequency that you are used to communicating with
your grieving person. Just drop it in. Just offer it as as you continue to be in relationship with them.
It reminds them you are not too much. I still remember your grief. I've not forgotten you
and I will not leave you alone just because time has passed because as we talked about in a previous
episode of grief grower, there's this societal belief that time heals all. Oh, it's been a year
they're over it by now. They don't want to talk about it anymore. Grieving people always want to
talk about their losses, their people who die, the relationship that used to be how it's changed
their life, who they see themselves to be now. There's so much to explore their griefors,
they're extraordinarily rich people. And continuing to say, "I'm here, I haven't forgotten your loss
and how it's informed your life and I'm not afraid what a beautiful gift to give to somebody who's
grieving in your life." Okay, the last one number three is right now. And this is your phrase for
context and continuity, framing the moment as it is a hard one, but also this is not all there is
without saying that because you cannot walk up to a griver and say something like this won't last
forever. This is just one season of your life. All bad things end just like all good things
end. This too shall pass. You cannot lay that on top of a grieving person and expect that to not feel
glib or cliche or heartless. The reason that this is one of my favorite phrases to hand to grievers
or to comfort grievers is that when a loss happens, especially one with a permanent outcome like a death,
it is normal for your grieving person to tell the story that how they feel right now is how they're
going to feel forever. I call this the plausible permanence side effect of grief. In my book, of course,
right here right now there's a whole little section on it. In other words, the simple sentence is,
"Because my loss is permanent, my pain must be permanent too." Right now, this tiny little two word
phrase, acknowledges that grief changes from moment to moment and also reminds your grieving person
that your support is not a one-time offer. Here's some examples. Right now, I hear that it seems like
nothing will ever be good again. No pressure to reply. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of
you right now. Right now, I can see how things are really uncertain in your life and it makes sense
that they feel that way. I'm here right now, repairing two together and I'll still be here next week.
The phrase right now, just framing this moment in this moment in the season for the time being in
this chapter of your life. It's a prepositional phrase. Suttaly reminds your grieving friend that this
moment is exactly that, a moment. And while it's a really hard moment to exist inside of, it is not
all there is, but it doesn't say that. It is comforting and contextualizing that comes in the
back door of their experience and says, "I literally just used this the other day with my boss who's
having a grief event within his family that I will not get into detail about." But I said,
right now, you guys are all in the uncertainty place. The timeline is uncertain. The outcome
and the circumstances surrounding it are uncertain. Right now, that is your reality. And affirming
that this thing is real in this moment that it's as hard as you think it is and framing it right now,
it doesn't necessarily. They don't need to pick up on the fact that you're saying another way of,
this is not all there is. There's so much more to life than this. There will be so much more than this
moment. You are simply affirming that this present moment is a hard one. And then following up with,
I'm here, or of course, you are continuing to reassure them that you will be here for all the moments
beyond this one too. Right now. Right now. Right now. Okay. Now that you have heard the three phrases,
I want to get really practical in terms of, okay, I'm writing a sympathy card or writing them a letter,
I'm writing them an email, something like that. How do I use these phrases in real life? How do I use
them in situations where I'm writing something down or, and we'll get to this, if it's been weeks,
months, or even years since the loss, how do I continue to use these phrases over time with someone
who's grieving? So if you're writing a sympathy card, the loss just happened and you want to reach out
immediately. Do not say, dear, their name. I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences,
signed your name. That's one of the biggest mistakes that people make when they're trying to comfort
someone who's grieving and the second biggest mistake they make after that is disappearing.
That sends the message, I cared about your grief once I acknowledged that happened, okay, bye. And
just not really acknowledging how much their life has changed, how much they have changed,
how much this loss informs the rest of their life, and it really makes you look like pardon me,
an asshole. You can do better and not by being poetic or overly helpful or like needing to inspire
them like a like a movie scene, you simply name the truths of your grieving friends lived reality
and commit to showing up for them. So I'll give you three examples. Here's the first one, dear,
their name. The loss of deceased person is heartbreaking. I know how much they meant to you. Subtitute
pronouns as needed. Of course, this is so unfair and totally sucks. I'm here for you today and in
the months to come. Easy. Second one, hey, their name, a little more casual. I've been thinking of
you every day's sense insert loss here. Right now I imagine everything feels like a blur. I'm here
and I'll reach out again soon. Commitment to checking in. Here's the third one. Just checking in,
their name. I love the stories you told about deceased person or pet. Of course, their death feels
impossible. I hope you know I'd still love to hear stories about her and them. Insert pronouns here.
Even at work. This is for you, coworker who wrote this letter. I'm here for you and I haven't
forgotten that you're grieving right now. These more personal words. Inside the cards, emails,
text messages, these are the ones that people keep and remember and reread and cry over and carry
in their purse for years. Not because they're fancy, but because they're more true and less generic
than sorry for your loss my condolences. So instead of saying something generic, they say something
of substance that is personal to your griever, the person, the thing, the relationship that they
lost and most importantly, the relationship that they have with you and will continue to have with
you as they continue to grieve. Let's zoom out from that first condoant's card. Here's what to say to
someone grieving in the days, weeks, months, years following the loss. Because as I said, one of the
biggest mistakes that comfortors make when they are trying to support someone who is grieving
is offering support once and then vanishing into the either. And do not get me wrong.
Showing up in the moment of the loss or very shortly afterwards is important, but greeting people
need and frankly deserve more than a one-time blip of poof support. Your relationship will be
strengthened not by a single act or a single card or a single bouquet of flowers, but by your continued
presence in their lives. So here are a few very low pressure, very short ways to keep verbally showing
up in their life. So you might say in a text message, "No need to respond, just thinking of you right now."
After time has passed, I can imagine things still feel hard since insert loss here. Of course they do.
I haven't forgotten that you're grieving and I'm here. If you want a text to photo, this is one of my
favorite tricks that I share with people who are supporting someone grieving text to picture
something that makes you think of them or if you knew the person who died. Saying, "I saw this
object that reminded me of deceased person or pet or you today. I'm here for you in thinking of you."
And then on a grief anniversary like a death date or birthday or date they found out about a
diagnosis or whatever it is, just wanted to say, of course, today is hard and filled with memories.
I'm here. Those are some examples for digital communications. You can also use them in
conversation, but here's some ones that might be better for in conversation face to face over
face time in real life. You might say something like, "You're not too much. Of course your grief is
still close to the surface. It's a big part of your life right now." You don't have to explain
anything. I'm here for all of it. Right now it makes sense that things feel more difficult than
they used to before insert loss here. I'm here for this grievey version of you. I don't need you to be
okay. I just want you to know that I'm sticking around. Great examples and I'm curious about what
other ones that you can come up with that offer support and use this framework, of course, I'm here
right now, to someone who is grieving in your life. The thing I really want to drive home before we
go today is that if you think words are important after a loss, guess what? You are absolutely right.
When someone says, "Sorry for your loss once," and then never follows up, it sends a message.
I acknowledge your grief that I'm not willing to stay in it with you. Even if it's unintentional,
even if that's not what you meant, that silence is painful. But when someone says, "Of course,
this still hurts. I'm here right now, months and years after the fact." It says something radically
different to your grieving friend. Your pain still matters, your loss still matters, and so do you.
And the hill that I will die on is that words like this can change at Grieber's Day.
Used consistently, they can change the course of your relationship. And when we use them collectively,
they can change our culture and the world. That is the power of words in the face of grief.
So as we wrap up today, I just want to reiterate that what you say to someone grieving
matters. If you are a friend, a coworker, a sibling, a boss, a neighbor asking, "What do I say
to someone grieving?" Here is your answer. Some iteration of, "Of course, I'm here right now."
Say these phrases often, practicing them to yourself. You can self-validate with these phrases.
Of course, you're feeling overwhelmed. Shelby, you're XYZ. Right now, Shelby, I know it feels like
the walls are closing in. That's a way to validate yourself. I'm here for you, Shelby. I will not
abandon you. You can self-practice these on yourself. I talk about how to do that. And of course,
I'm here right now. Then expand these phrases once you've practiced your closest friends and family,
coworkers, neighbors, strangers. Let that circle get wider. Say versions of them in different
configurations. Say them with the same level of compassion every single time, whether for a lost toy,
a forgotten wallet, a promotion that was not received, or a loved one's devastating lost. Let them
all hold the same weight when you respond with, of course, I'm here right now. Say these phrases so
often that they become second-atured to you and something that you can reach for in your pocket,
again and again, when you encounter loss out in the world. Because words, when you choose them with
care, are not just MD sounds. They are not just sticks and stones that carry no consequences.
Words are connection and companionship and the foundational thread that keep people close
when grief threatens to push everyone apart. And if you want more scripts like this, if you want
different ways to say, of course, I'm here right now because that can get repetitive saying,
of course, I'm here right now over and over again. I've got all different kinds of ways to say this
different circumstances where they're applicable examples from clients and stories from my own life.
My new book, of course, I'm here right now. Three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving is
filled with simple and adaptable language that helps you offer comfort that actually support
someone you care about, both right after a loss and long after the castor roles and the flowers
and the meal train stop coming. Because the way we talk about grief can either shut someone down
or carry them through. I invite you to choose the second option with me together.
That's all for this episode of Grief Grower. Thank you so very much for joining me today.
If you're looking for grief support beyond this show, you can always find free workshops,
blog articles, and my new. What's your grief supporter's strength quiz at shallbeforSythea.com/links?
And if you'd like to get support from me for your unique loss experience, you can join us anytime
in life after loss academy, which is my online course and community. As a student, I'll walk you
through my five step grief framework for rebuilding after loss and you can get live coaching from me
every single week. That's right. Every week to answer your questions. Replays are always available
if you can't attend live and it's just $33 a month to join or $22 a month if you're marginalized or
financially stressed griever. You can cancel at any time. If this podcast felt validating,
helpful, educational, or useful to you, please subscribe and leave a review on Apple podcasts or
Spotify. And be sure to share Grief Grower with a friend because you never know what someone you love
is going through. Grief Grower is hosted by me and shallbeforSythea and the theme music is composed
by our own Annie Goldstein. Until next time, Grief Grower's I see you. I am so proud of you and the
work that you're doing in the world and I love you. Because even through grief, we are growing.