Your biggest grief support asset is not your money, your energy, your emotional intelligence, or even your time.
It is your words.
And you don't need the perfect profound speech.
You don't need platitudes.
All you need is three simple phrases.
Of course, I'm here.
And right now.
[Music]
Hi there, grief growers.
I am so grateful to be here with you as always.
If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while,
welcome back.
And if you are new to me and my work, hello.
My name is Shelby for Scythia.
I am a grief coach, a three time author and the founder of life after laws academy,
where I have helped dozens of grieving people stop feeling lost, stuck, broken, and alone,
and start building lives they genuinely love from the lives lost force them to live.
This includes not only death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup,
major diagnosis, and every other loss or life transition that changes your life.
Here on grief grower, we believe that grief is not something we get over.
It is something that we grow with and alongside and that by treating grief less like a problem to be solved,
and more like an invitation to live more deeply.
We can create meaningful lives rich with the memories we carry, the struggles we faced,
and the preciousness of what it means to be right here and right now.
Today, I am sharing the live book talk I gave at the launch party for my new book.
Of course, I'm here right now on March 30th, 2026 in Chicago.
If you are listening to the podcast version of this and would rather watch the full talk on YouTube,
I'll put a link to do that in the show notes.
While this will be one of my shorter supporting someone episodes of grief grower,
it really is the heart of my new book and everything I want everyone to hear when it comes to supporting friends,
family, coworkers, neighbors, and even perfect strangers in their midst who are grieving.
I hope in listening that you will feel a part of the audience of this powerful talk.
And I hope you will share this episode or the corresponding YouTube video with others who need to hear it.
Here we go.
Shelby Porsitia.
A few years ago, I was on the phone with a grief client named Marie,
who had suffered the devastating loss of a baby.
The death of this tiny, powerful dream of life was the absolute worst final blow after years and years of miscarriages and medical procedures and Marie was understandably devastated.
During this session, Marie told me a story about a friend of hers and acquaintance who had just announced her pregnancy on Instagram.
This joyful, happy little baby bump with likes and hearts and comments and everything else was agonizing to Marie.
And on this call, she was wrestling vigorously trying to figure out how to contort her heart into a shape where she could be happy for her friend.
Marie felt gutted.
Then she felt ashamed.
I listened as Marie meticulously laid out two cases, one against this other woman's joy and another against herself for feeling so hostile towards it.
At the base of it all was a single story.
There must be something wrong with me.
I should be happy for her, she said I should be able to congratulate her.
I shouldn't feel so torn up about all this.
As I listened, I was picturing Marie staring wildly at this road map with the socially acceptable destination of ecstatic new baby.
Congratulations, circled in bright red ink.
And as Marie was staring at this map, she could not see a river or a road or a backwards trail that could get her heart emotionally there.
When Marie finished her story, I took a breath and said, of course, you'd be upset that somebody who was unkind to you
is now pregnant, has that dream.
In that moment, the energy of our call shifted.
And I listened as the gears and Marie's head clicked and turned.
When she started speaking again, she said, I don't think I'd ever thought of that before that I would be allowed to be upset about this whole thing.
So wait a minute, I'm not being ridiculous.
No, I said, it sounds really normal to me.
In an instant, Marie stopped spiraling and instead of seeing herself as crazy, she saw herself through a much more compassionate lens.
One where she was not broken or wrong, but where she was grieving.
And that was okay.
This was the day, the single moment, when I realized the power of words in grief.
In more than 10 years of supporting grieving people through all kinds of losses, death, divorce, major diagnosis, I have noticed a pattern that grieving people tell themselves three core stories.
The stories are, I'm crazy.
I'm alone and it's going to be like this forever.
Crazy alone forever crazy alone forever.
These are the records that grieving people have on repeat inside their heads and they are reinforced by things as big and social and federal as a wimpy three day bereavement leave for biological human relatives only seeing heads nodding.
And as personal and intimate as a long time friend ghosting a griever just one month after the funeral.
For a griever telling the story of I'm crazy, this can often sound like no one else gets how I feel.
I should be over this by now.
I shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling.
A griever telling the story I'm alone might say something like everyone has stopped checking in.
Everyone stopped reaching out.
The whole world has moved on without me and even in a room or a house full of people I'm alone.
And a griever telling the story of my life will be like this forever which can be a subtler story. They might say something like I can't see away out of my grief.
I'm afraid that this pain will never end or I will never feel joy again.
These are some of the devastating things that are in grievers head and these stories inform not only how they navigate their grief,
but also how they exist in relationship to other people, how they do their jobs, and what they believe to be true about themselves and the future.
It is a very hard and lonely place to be crazy alone forever.
And here's the part we don't talk about enough that grievers would like you to know.
When grievers suffer a devastating loss they're not just grieving the main event like the death of a loved one.
The number one thing they grieve is the friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors who fall away or fail to meaningfully comfort them because they just don't know what to say.
Grieving people do not want to feel abandoned.
Supporters don't want to unintentionally vanish, but in the silence that exists between the two of them.
Relationships weaken and fracture and even often end.
In all of my years of grief coaching, here's what is surprised me most.
For as much as these stories, these words can change a grieving person's life and make them feel trapped and alone.
Words are also the key to unlocking and changing those stories, not only to comfort our grieving friends which would be enough,
but also to write a new story where our grieving friends are not crazy, are not alone, and are able to move forward with us, their supporters.
By their side.
Since that session with Marie I have developed three phrases, you will see them here.
That comfort-agreving person, no matter the type of loss, no matter how long it's been.
The phrases are, of course, I'm here and right now.
Let's use them together.
For grieving to person telling the story I'm crazy, of course comes into conversation and validates their emotions.
So if they say it's been seven years since my dad died, I shouldn't be so sad still.
You can say, of course you're still sad.
Your dad is still dead.
Suddenly, they aren't crazy anymore.
For a griever telling the story, I'm alone.
No one gets how I feel.
The phrase I'm here quietly accompanies them and shows them that your shoulders share their pain.
So when they say, "Nobody gets how I feel," you say, "I may not understand entirely, but I'm here.
And I will not forget that you are a grieving person.
I'll keep checking in on you."
Suddenly, they are no longer siloed in isolation.
Lastly, for a grieving person telling the story, my life will be like this forever.
The phrase right now sneaks through the back door and offers what I call covert comfort.
By reminding them, even subconsciously, that this moment is just that, a single moment in the long arc of their grief.
So when they say, "Everything feels so hopeless, I can't see a way out," you say, "Yeah.
Right now, I can totally see how hope is hard to find."
In an instant, you put that moment in time in a larger context, one where their suffering is great now,
but may not always be, and there is quiet hope in those words.
Three simple phrases.
Each of them partners up with and radically changes these three painful stories that grieving people tell.
Here's the thing I love most about words, and why this whole book exists,
because words are immediate, portable, and repeatable.
They are things that we can send across social media, across text messages, in person,
and you do not have to be rich, you do not have to be a therapist,
and you don't even have to be in the same room as someone in order to use them.
Said very, very simply words are the best and most powerful free grief support tool that any of us has at our disposal.
And when we change our words, we can change the way that people respond to grief.
So the next time someone that you care about is grieving.
Whether they're grieving a relationship, a dog, a job, a marriage, a dream, a family member, a loved one, a new diagnosis,
know that you do not need to solve their grief or fix their pain for them.
In fact, you probably can't.
But with your words, you can make them feel less crazy.
You can help them to feel less alone,
and you can create a world where the pain and suffering of this moment does not last forever and ever.
Your biggest grief support asset is not your money, your energy, your emotional intelligence, or even your time.
It is your words.
And you don't need the perfect profound speech.
You don't need platitudes.
All you need is three simple phrases.
Of course, I'm here.
And right now.
Thank you.
[Applause]
[Laughter]
[Applause]
[Music]
That's all for this episode of Griefgrower.
Thank you so very much for joining me today.
If you're looking for grief support beyond the show, you can find free workshops, blog articles, and of course my new book.
Of course, I'm here right now, three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving, at shallbeforSythea.com/links.
And if you'd like to get support from me for your unique loss, join us in life after laws academy, my online course and community.
As a student, I will walk you through my five-step grief framework, GRIEF, for rebuilding after laws,
and get live coaching from me every single week to answer your questions.
Replays are always available if you can't attend live.
It's just $33 a month to join or $22 a month if you're marginalized or financially stress-grever.
No questions asked, and you can cancel at any time.
If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational, or otherwise helpful to you, please subscribe and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
And be sure to share this show in particular with a friend, because you never know what someone you love is going through.
Grief Groors hosted by me shallbeforSythea with the music by Adi Goldstein.
Until next time, grief growers, I see you.
I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world, and I love you.
Because even through grief, we are growing.
[Music]