1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,560
Your biggest grief support asset is not your money, your energy, your emotional intelligence, or even your time.

2
00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:08,800
It is your words.

3
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:12,160
And you don't need the perfect profound speech.

4
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,120
You don't need platitudes.

5
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:19,320
All you need is three simple phrases.

6
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,560
Of course, I'm here.

7
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:24,360
And right now.

8
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:43,360
[Music]

9
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,200
Hi there, grief growers.

10
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,480
I am so grateful to be here with you as always.

11
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,800
If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while,

12
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:51,400
welcome back.

13
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,800
And if you are new to me and my work, hello.

14
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:55,800
My name is Shelby for Scythia.

15
00:00:55,800 --> 00:01:00,360
I am a grief coach, a three time author and the founder of life after laws academy,

16
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:05,440
where I have helped dozens of grieving people stop feeling lost, stuck, broken, and alone,

17
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:10,320
and start building lives they genuinely love from the lives lost force them to live.

18
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:14,600
This includes not only death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup,

19
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:19,400
major diagnosis, and every other loss or life transition that changes your life.

20
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,960
Here on grief grower, we believe that grief is not something we get over.

21
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:28,440
It is something that we grow with and alongside and that by treating grief less like a problem to be solved,

22
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:31,080
and more like an invitation to live more deeply.

23
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:36,120
We can create meaningful lives rich with the memories we carry, the struggles we faced,

24
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:40,280
and the preciousness of what it means to be right here and right now.

25
00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:45,200
Today, I am sharing the live book talk I gave at the launch party for my new book.

26
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:49,600
Of course, I'm here right now on March 30th, 2026 in Chicago.

27
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:54,520
If you are listening to the podcast version of this and would rather watch the full talk on YouTube,

28
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:56,840
I'll put a link to do that in the show notes.

29
00:01:56,840 --> 00:02:01,960
While this will be one of my shorter supporting someone episodes of grief grower,

30
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:07,960
it really is the heart of my new book and everything I want everyone to hear when it comes to supporting friends,

31
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:13,280
family, coworkers, neighbors, and even perfect strangers in their midst who are grieving.

32
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:17,880
I hope in listening that you will feel a part of the audience of this powerful talk.

33
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:24,600
And I hope you will share this episode or the corresponding YouTube video with others who need to hear it.

34
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:25,840
Here we go.

35
00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:35,600
Shelby Porsitia.

36
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:46,920
A few years ago, I was on the phone with a grief client named Marie,

37
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:50,520
who had suffered the devastating loss of a baby.

38
00:02:50,520 --> 00:03:05,320
The death of this tiny, powerful dream of life was the absolute worst final blow after years and years of miscarriages and medical procedures and Marie was understandably devastated.

39
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:13,400
During this session, Marie told me a story about a friend of hers and acquaintance who had just announced her pregnancy on Instagram.

40
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:21,480
This joyful, happy little baby bump with likes and hearts and comments and everything else was agonizing to Marie.

41
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:30,280
And on this call, she was wrestling vigorously trying to figure out how to contort her heart into a shape where she could be happy for her friend.

42
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,040
Marie felt gutted.

43
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,280
Then she felt ashamed.

44
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:48,040
I listened as Marie meticulously laid out two cases, one against this other woman's joy and another against herself for feeling so hostile towards it.

45
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:51,520
At the base of it all was a single story.

46
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,480
There must be something wrong with me.

47
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:59,120
I should be happy for her, she said I should be able to congratulate her.

48
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:02,760
I shouldn't feel so torn up about all this.

49
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:09,920
As I listened, I was picturing Marie staring wildly at this road map with the socially acceptable destination of ecstatic new baby.

50
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,880
Congratulations, circled in bright red ink.

51
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:22,280
And as Marie was staring at this map, she could not see a river or a road or a backwards trail that could get her heart emotionally there.

52
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:33,080
When Marie finished her story, I took a breath and said, of course, you'd be upset that somebody who was unkind to you

53
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,800
is now pregnant, has that dream.

54
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:40,680
In that moment, the energy of our call shifted.

55
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:46,000
And I listened as the gears and Marie's head clicked and turned.

56
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:54,880
When she started speaking again, she said, I don't think I'd ever thought of that before that I would be allowed to be upset about this whole thing.

57
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,920
So wait a minute, I'm not being ridiculous.

58
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:03,280
No, I said, it sounds really normal to me.

59
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:14,280
In an instant, Marie stopped spiraling and instead of seeing herself as crazy, she saw herself through a much more compassionate lens.

60
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:18,360
One where she was not broken or wrong, but where she was grieving.

61
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,520
And that was okay.

62
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:27,960
This was the day, the single moment, when I realized the power of words in grief.

63
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:42,400
In more than 10 years of supporting grieving people through all kinds of losses, death, divorce, major diagnosis, I have noticed a pattern that grieving people tell themselves three core stories.

64
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,200
The stories are, I'm crazy.

65
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:49,960
I'm alone and it's going to be like this forever.

66
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:55,400
Crazy alone forever crazy alone forever.

67
00:05:55,400 --> 00:06:10,400
These are the records that grieving people have on repeat inside their heads and they are reinforced by things as big and social and federal as a wimpy three day bereavement leave for biological human relatives only seeing heads nodding.

68
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:19,920
And as personal and intimate as a long time friend ghosting a griever just one month after the funeral.

69
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:27,720
For a griever telling the story of I'm crazy, this can often sound like no one else gets how I feel.

70
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,280
I should be over this by now.

71
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:31,480
I shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling.

72
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:36,920
A griever telling the story I'm alone might say something like everyone has stopped checking in.

73
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,280
Everyone stopped reaching out.

74
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:44,200
The whole world has moved on without me and even in a room or a house full of people I'm alone.

75
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:54,000
And a griever telling the story of my life will be like this forever which can be a subtler story. They might say something like I can't see away out of my grief.

76
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:59,640
I'm afraid that this pain will never end or I will never feel joy again.

77
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:07,080
These are some of the devastating things that are in grievers head and these stories inform not only how they navigate their grief,

78
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:16,680
but also how they exist in relationship to other people, how they do their jobs, and what they believe to be true about themselves and the future.

79
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:23,280
It is a very hard and lonely place to be crazy alone forever.

80
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:28,280
And here's the part we don't talk about enough that grievers would like you to know.

81
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:33,480
When grievers suffer a devastating loss they're not just grieving the main event like the death of a loved one.

82
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:43,880
The number one thing they grieve is the friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors who fall away or fail to meaningfully comfort them because they just don't know what to say.

83
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,080
Grieving people do not want to feel abandoned.

84
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:54,280
Supporters don't want to unintentionally vanish, but in the silence that exists between the two of them.

85
00:07:54,280 --> 00:08:00,680
Relationships weaken and fracture and even often end.

86
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,280
In all of my years of grief coaching, here's what is surprised me most.

87
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:13,880
For as much as these stories, these words can change a grieving person's life and make them feel trapped and alone.

88
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:21,880
Words are also the key to unlocking and changing those stories, not only to comfort our grieving friends which would be enough,

89
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:31,480
but also to write a new story where our grieving friends are not crazy, are not alone, and are able to move forward with us, their supporters.

90
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,480
By their side.

91
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:39,480
Since that session with Marie I have developed three phrases, you will see them here.

92
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:45,480
That comfort-agreving person, no matter the type of loss, no matter how long it's been.

93
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:51,480
The phrases are, of course, I'm here and right now.

94
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,480
Let's use them together.

95
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:59,480
For grieving to person telling the story I'm crazy, of course comes into conversation and validates their emotions.

96
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:05,480
So if they say it's been seven years since my dad died, I shouldn't be so sad still.

97
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:09,480
You can say, of course you're still sad.

98
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,480
Your dad is still dead.

99
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,480
Suddenly, they aren't crazy anymore.

100
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:17,480
For a griever telling the story, I'm alone.

101
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,480
No one gets how I feel.

102
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:25,480
The phrase I'm here quietly accompanies them and shows them that your shoulders share their pain.

103
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:31,480
So when they say, "Nobody gets how I feel," you say, "I may not understand entirely, but I'm here.

104
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:35,480
And I will not forget that you are a grieving person.

105
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,480
I'll keep checking in on you."

106
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:41,480
Suddenly, they are no longer siloed in isolation.

107
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:45,480
Lastly, for a grieving person telling the story, my life will be like this forever.

108
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:50,480
The phrase right now sneaks through the back door and offers what I call covert comfort.

109
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:58,480
By reminding them, even subconsciously, that this moment is just that, a single moment in the long arc of their grief.

110
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:03,480
So when they say, "Everything feels so hopeless, I can't see a way out," you say, "Yeah.

111
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:08,480
Right now, I can totally see how hope is hard to find."

112
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:16,480
In an instant, you put that moment in time in a larger context, one where their suffering is great now,

113
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:22,480
but may not always be, and there is quiet hope in those words.

114
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,480
Three simple phrases.

115
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:35,480
Each of them partners up with and radically changes these three painful stories that grieving people tell.

116
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:40,480
Here's the thing I love most about words, and why this whole book exists,

117
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:45,480
because words are immediate, portable, and repeatable.

118
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:50,480
They are things that we can send across social media, across text messages, in person,

119
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,480
and you do not have to be rich, you do not have to be a therapist,

120
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:58,480
and you don't even have to be in the same room as someone in order to use them.

121
00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:07,480
Said very, very simply words are the best and most powerful free grief support tool that any of us has at our disposal.

122
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:14,480
And when we change our words, we can change the way that people respond to grief.

123
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:17,480
So the next time someone that you care about is grieving.

124
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:25,480
Whether they're grieving a relationship, a dog, a job, a marriage, a dream, a family member, a loved one, a new diagnosis,

125
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:30,480
know that you do not need to solve their grief or fix their pain for them.

126
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,480
In fact, you probably can't.

127
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:37,480
But with your words, you can make them feel less crazy.

128
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,480
You can help them to feel less alone,

129
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:47,480
and you can create a world where the pain and suffering of this moment does not last forever and ever.

130
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:54,480
Your biggest grief support asset is not your money, your energy, your emotional intelligence, or even your time.

131
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,480
It is your words.

132
00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,480
And you don't need the perfect profound speech.

133
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,480
You don't need platitudes.

134
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:07,480
All you need is three simple phrases.

135
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,480
Of course, I'm here.

136
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,480
And right now.

137
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,480
Thank you.

138
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,480
[Applause]

139
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:21,480
[Laughter]

140
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,480
[Applause]

141
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:33,480
[Music]

142
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:36,480
That's all for this episode of Griefgrower.

143
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,480
Thank you so very much for joining me today.

144
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:44,480
If you're looking for grief support beyond the show, you can find free workshops, blog articles, and of course my new book.

145
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:51,480
Of course, I'm here right now, three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving, at shallbeforSythea.com/links.

146
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:59,480
And if you'd like to get support from me for your unique loss, join us in life after laws academy, my online course and community.

147
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:05,480
As a student, I will walk you through my five-step grief framework, GRIEF, for rebuilding after laws,

148
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:09,480
and get live coaching from me every single week to answer your questions.

149
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,480
Replays are always available if you can't attend live.

150
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:17,480
It's just $33 a month to join or $22 a month if you're marginalized or financially stress-grever.

151
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:21,480
No questions asked, and you can cancel at any time.

152
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:29,480
If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational, or otherwise helpful to you, please subscribe and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

153
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:36,480
And be sure to share this show in particular with a friend, because you never know what someone you love is going through.

154
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:40,480
Grief Groors hosted by me shallbeforSythea with the music by Adi Goldstein.

155
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,480
Until next time, grief growers, I see you.

156
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:47,480
I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world, and I love you.

157
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:51,480
Because even through grief, we are growing.

158
00:13:51,480 --> 00:14:01,480
[Music]