1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 What I know from grieving, what I remember from my early days of grief, is that I knew, 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:09,520 and you probably know, that having support could make a meaningful difference in your life, 3 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:14,400 having someone to help you with this gestures at everything, could make a meaningful difference 4 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:15,800 in your life. 5 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:19,840 Still, asking for help when you're deep in grief can feel complicated. 6 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,160 Maybe you don't know what you need. 7 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:23,440 Maybe you're worried about being a burden to other people. 8 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:27,200 Maybe you have tried to ask for help before and didn't get the response that you'd hoped for. 9 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,480 So what I want to do in this episode is make the act of asking for help while grieving, 10 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:37,680 simpler, and more specific, and low energy accommodating too, because you are already doing 11 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:39,040 enough while living and grieving. 12 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:59,160 [Music] 13 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,240 Hi there, grief growers. 14 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:04,160 I am so honored to be here with you today, as always. 15 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:07,200 If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back. 16 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,040 And if you are new to me and my work, hello. 17 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,280 My name is Shelby for Scythia. 18 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:16,440 I am a grief coach, a three-time author, and the founder of Life After Loss Academy, which 19 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:21,960 is an online program that has helped dozens of gravers stop feeling lost, stuck, broken 20 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:27,120 and alone, and start building lives that they genuinely love from the lives that loss 21 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,000 forced them to live. 22 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:33,120 This includes, of course, not only death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and 23 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:37,760 break-up, major diagnosis, and any other loss that changes your life. 24 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:41,640 Here on grief grow, or we believe that grief is not something to get over, it is something 25 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:46,240 that we grow with and alongside, and that when we stop treating grief like a problem to 26 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:51,520 be solved and start treating it as an invitation to live more deeply, we create meaningful 27 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:55,960 lives that are rich with the memories that we carry, the struggles that we have faced, 28 00:01:55,960 --> 00:02:01,760 and the preciousness of what it is to be alive right here and right now. 29 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:05,320 Before I get into today's topic, which is so close to my heart because it's how to ask 30 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:10,200 for help when you are already doing the work of grieving, I just want to say an enormous 31 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:13,320 thank you to everyone who celebrated the launch of my new book. 32 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,760 Of course, I'm here right now with me, whether you came to the launch party in Chicago or 33 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:17,760 online. 34 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,880 If you came to the Chicago launch party, you know that I had my own copy of the book, and 35 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:27,440 I saw this on TikTok 48 hours before where an author had everyone in attendance, like 36 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:32,000 autograph the book, like a year book, and so this, my personal copy of, of course, I'm here 37 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:38,640 right now, is filled with the 33 people signatures who came to celebrate with me in Chicago. 38 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:39,640 This is very special. 39 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,320 You all know I'm a big numbers person. 40 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,320 This is my third book. 41 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:47,280 I am 33 this year, and 33 people came to my launch party in Chicago. 42 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:51,800 So it just feels extraordinarily special, and there are so, so many pages full of people's 43 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:56,280 signatures, what they thought of the book discussion with my friend Emily, and just like 44 00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:00,320 a loving cheerleading of like holy crap this book is in the world. 45 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:01,320 We had treats. 46 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:02,320 We had an interview. 47 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:03,320 We had a book signing line. 48 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:04,320 We had photos. 49 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,040 We shut the place down, and it was so incredibly worth it. 50 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:12,240 And we did even more online where I took your questions and talked about how to support 51 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,480 somebody who's grieving using words alone. 52 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,920 It is one of the most special things I have ever produced. 53 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:21,480 Here's the dedication page for my friend Tammy, a few very dear friends who got to know 54 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,040 Tammy, signed that page. 55 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:27,280 And it was just such a special time I have published two books in the world. 56 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:28,360 The first was self published. 57 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,320 The second one came out during COVID. 58 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:34,600 This is the first time I have ever been able to throw a party for anything that I have 59 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:39,320 written, and it meant so much to me that all of you in your own ways have shown up and 60 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:44,640 have been there in in whatever way you possibly could. 61 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,800 If you have ordered, of course, I'm here right now. 62 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:51,800 There is still time to join the free book club, which begins on April 15th. 63 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,400 All you have to do to join the book club is submit your receipt number. 64 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:58,040 This can be from bookshop, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, your local indie bookstore on my 65 00:03:58,040 --> 00:03:59,040 website. 66 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,240 No photos required. 67 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:04,520 We will read, of course, I'm here right now and discuss it together as a group over the 68 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,320 course of six weeks starting April 15th. 69 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,800 Our first meeting is where we all kick off and meet each other. 70 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,880 And we will also be talking about chapter one. 71 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,760 So make sure you have the book in your hands as soon as possible or in your ears or on 72 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:17,760 your tablet. 73 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:20,000 It is an ebook and an audio book as well. 74 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:23,880 And join us in the six week book club that is kicking off April 15th. 75 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:24,880 It is free. 76 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:26,680 All you have to do is buy the book and then submit your receipt number. 77 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:31,000 But the book club itself is free and replays will be available after every session if you 78 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,800 are not able to attend live. 79 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:38,040 And before I get to today's topic, two more events that are coming up in April that you 80 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,200 might like to attend on April 20th, which is a Monday. 81 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:45,640 You can join me and the dead mom therapist named Miranda Malone for a workshop called 82 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,480 How to rewrite your inner grief story. 83 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:52,040 If you are someone with a dead mom, this workshop is specific to you. 84 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:57,200 It is all about the internal and often painful stories that we tell ourselves after our 85 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,200 mom's die. 86 00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,400 I am crazy for grieving. 87 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,360 I have been left alone here or I am alone. 88 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:02,760 No one's here to support me. 89 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,760 And my life will be like this forever. 90 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:08,320 And I will be teaching you in this workshop how to rewrite these inner stories so that 91 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:13,000 you can be more compassionate towards yourself as you continue to live a life with grief. 92 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,280 This is especially helpful in the lead up to Mother's Day. 93 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:18,440 If you are still anticipating Mother's Day, I believe the U.S. 94 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:21,240 celebrates Mother's Day in May as well as many other countries. 95 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,960 I know our friends in the U.K. just survived Mother's Day. 96 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,080 So kudos to you. 97 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,880 If you have just survived Mother's Day. 98 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:31,240 If you are grieving a mom who has died at any age or if you are grieving a mom who is 99 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:34,880 estranged from you, this is a workshop that is designed for you and a community that is 100 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:39,600 exclusive to women who have experienced Mother's loss. 101 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:43,880 Then on April 30th, a more doors open to everyone event, you can join me and the founder 102 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:48,360 of grief-tastic Megan Reardon Jarvis for a facilitated discussion about my new book 103 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,000 of course I'm here right now. 104 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,720 Three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving. 105 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,200 You do not have to have purchased the book to attend. 106 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:59,440 So if you're looking for like a more low key event about the book that is not a book club 107 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:03,360 where you're reading the book week by week, this event is a perfect match for you. 108 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:06,640 Megan was one of the earliest readers of my book and has a whole bunch of questions 109 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:07,640 prepared. 110 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:10,520 So if you're looking to learn more about the book, if it's a good fit for you or your 111 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:15,560 grief organization, if you run one, I hope you will attend this event with me on April 112 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:16,560 30th. 113 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:20,700 You can find the link to RSVP for both of these upcoming events in April in the show notes 114 00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:25,400 for this episode or at shallbefersitthia.com/events. 115 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:30,480 Okay, let's get to the meet of today's episode. 116 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:38,440 This is seven low energy ways to ask for help and support when you are deep in grief. 117 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:44,000 The reason I wrote this episode is that because there is a component of grief that so so many 118 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,080 people, including grief professionals, do not talk about. 119 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,680 It is not just the sadness of the loss. 120 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:53,840 It is not just missing the life that used to be or a person who died. 121 00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:59,880 It is the relentlessness and the exhaustion of having to live and grieve all at the same 122 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,680 time and never getting a break from that. 123 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:07,600 This is the kind of exhaustion that makes something like replying to a text feel like too 124 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:12,760 much or the kind of exhaustion that turns simple quote unquote simple decisions like what 125 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:18,520 should I eat or when should I shower or what housework needs to be done first into overwhelming 126 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,200 questions. 127 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:23,800 This is the kind of exhaustion that leaves you staring at your phone, wanting support 128 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:28,680 from other people but having no idea how to ask for it or not even having the energy to 129 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,680 try. 130 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:35,640 What I know from grieving, what I remember from my early days of grief is that I knew and 131 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:40,200 you probably know that having support could make a meaningful difference in your life, 132 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:44,920 something to help you with this gestures at everything could make a meaningful difference 133 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,720 in your life. 134 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:50,600 Still asking for help when you're deep in grief can feel complicated. 135 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:51,960 Maybe you don't know what you need. 136 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,200 Maybe you're worried about being a burden to other people. 137 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:57,120 Maybe you have tried to ask for help before and didn't get the response that you'd hoped 138 00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:58,120 for. 139 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:02,520 So what I want to do in this episode is make the act of asking for help while grieving, 140 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:08,240 simpler and more specific and low energy accommodating too because you are already doing 141 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,040 enough while living and grieving. 142 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:14,680 The first step for asking for help in any sort of life with loss. 143 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,600 I almost said life after loss but life with loss, especially if you're somebody who's 144 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,280 caregiving, that's a lot of living and grieving at the same time. 145 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,080 But even life before loss, life with loss, life after loss. 146 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:26,880 First step, figure out what kind of help you actually need. 147 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:30,560 Before you send the text, the email, the phone call, whatever, before you ask a friend, 148 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,520 family member, coworker, neighbor for help, there is a very simple clarifying question 149 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:35,920 worth answering. 150 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:41,640 Do I need help living or do I need help grieving because those are two very different kinds 151 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:43,240 of support. 152 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:47,200 Help living is about the day to day logistics of being a human being. 153 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:49,960 This might look like cooking, cleaning or doing laundry. 154 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,520 This might be running errands. 155 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:55,920 This might be sorting through paperwork or what is often called the sad men, the sad administration 156 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,320 of life after loss. 157 00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:59,920 This could be making phone calls or scheduling appointments. 158 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:02,200 This could be completing work responsibilities. 159 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:07,800 This could be managing childcare or pet care or adult caregiving tasks. 160 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:10,560 Help grieving is a different flavor of help. 161 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:15,240 This is about tending to your emotional and relational world, like tending to your heart 162 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:19,240 and your mind and your spiritual self in the aftermath of loss. 163 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:23,160 Examples of this could be remembering and honoring your person who died if you were grieving 164 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,680 your death-related loss. 165 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,640 This could be being witnessed in your pain. 166 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:30,400 This is true for all kinds of losses, divorce, major diagnosis, having to have moved somewhere, 167 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,840 outlaws, pet loss, the umbrella is very wide. 168 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:37,680 This could be feeling connected instead of isolated. 169 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:41,360 This could be making space for the reality of what has happened. 170 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:45,640 What I want to clarify here is that needing help grieving and needing help living, like neither 171 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,720 type of help is more important than the other. 172 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,800 Neither takes priority over the other. 173 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:53,840 Most people, most grieving people, need both at different times in their lives. 174 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:58,520 But when you can name which one you need help with in a given moment and a given season, 175 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:01,440 making for support becomes clearer and more direct. 176 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:07,760 It turns the generic statement of "I need help" into a precise one, like "I need help getting 177 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,240 to work while my car is in the shop for repairs." 178 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:15,680 Or "I need help feeling like other people remember my person or acknowledge my pain." 179 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,680 Those are very specific statements of help. 180 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:23,400 I need insert fill in the blank here, versus simply "I need." 181 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:29,680 So as I go through this list, notice what type of help resonates the most with you. 182 00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,280 Because these are all the ones I could think of. 183 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:36,120 There's going to be three for living asks and four for grieving asks. 184 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,560 So the first three are living asks. 185 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:42,120 And this is getting support for the logistics of daily life. 186 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:48,040 The first suggestion I have for you is to ask for help from a specific help menu, something 187 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:50,480 that you create and design. 188 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:54,560 One of the most common statements that supporters offer to grievers, and I talk about this in 189 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:58,320 my book, of course I'm here right now, and I tell people not to say it. 190 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,320 I give them something else to say instead. 191 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,760 But it's the dreaded "Let me know if you need anything." 192 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,280 This phrase is "hella ambiguous." 193 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,660 And while it might be well meaning, "I'm here if you need anything, let me know if you 194 00:11:09,660 --> 00:11:12,120 need anything, is there anything I can do for you?" 195 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,840 It doesn't make a specific offer of help. 196 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:19,000 And it puts the burden of asking for support onto you, the griever. 197 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,960 And while many grievers know that they need, it can be harder to pinpoint exactly what 198 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:28,400 would be helpful in the moment that someone just like chucks that statement in your direction. 199 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:33,560 So creating what I call a help menu bridges that gap between "Let me know if there's anything 200 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,800 you need and like I need but I don't know what." 201 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:40,080 Instead of trying to come up with a clear answer in real time, which can be very hard to 202 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:45,040 do when someone tosses that in your direction, you can make a short ongoing list of specific 203 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,280 tasks people can choose from. 204 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:51,120 This is a list that you can add to gradually as tasks pop into your brain or appear in your 205 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:56,480 life and keeping a notepad in your pocket or your purse or in the notes app on your phone 206 00:11:56,480 --> 00:12:00,200 is a very, very good way to have this list with you on the go. 207 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:05,360 So your help menu might include things like calling, cancel, my subscription to insert 208 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,200 thing here, this magazine, these season tickets, this family size meal prep box that I no 209 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,240 longer need for whatever reason. 210 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:15,720 It could be pick up groceries the next time you go, I will send a list of what I need. 211 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:20,240 It could be renew my library card, it could be drop off a meal, no need to stay in chat, 212 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:24,080 it could be request a quote to repair the hole in the roof, it could be weed the front 213 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:29,200 flower bed, it could be clean, insert your person's headstone for Mother's Day, Father's 214 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,200 Day, and next upcoming holiday, their death anniversary. 215 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,160 It could be, I just need help folding one load of laundry. 216 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:39,800 It could be, I need someone to sit with me while I respond to emails, whatever it is, 217 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,400 get as specific as humanly possible. 218 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:45,120 And here's the thing I want to say here that I didn't necessarily write in the blog 219 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:50,480 that goes along with this podcast episode, is you do not have to need help desperately. 220 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:56,080 You can simply say, I wish I had another person to do this, or I wish I could clone myself 221 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:57,680 so I could accomplish that. 222 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:02,520 Like that's enough of a reason to ask for help with that task in some way. 223 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:07,160 And the reason to create a help menu is so that when someone offers to support you, you 224 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:10,840 can say, thanks so much, I actually made a short list of things that would help me the 225 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,280 most right now, would you like me to send it to you? 226 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:18,440 And this turns this vague ambiguous offer of, let me know if there's anything I can do 227 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,960 into a clear yes or no moment. 228 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:25,720 It also removes the awful emotional labor of figuring out exactly what you need on the 229 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:26,720 spot. 230 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:27,880 You have made a list. 231 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:31,440 And so you already know. 232 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:36,360 The second thing I want to offer you here in the living asks is to ask people to play 233 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,040 to their strengths. 234 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:43,120 And it is so unfortunate that in our society, people do not know how to show up for people 235 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,120 in grief. 236 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,240 My third book, of course, I'm here right now, I'm trying very hard to teach people how to 237 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,760 shop with words because that's a very good baseline to start and words are free. 238 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,840 And so like, if nothing else start with your words, you don't need to do a casserole, you 239 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,360 don't need to make phone calls, you don't need to run errands. 240 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:58,320 But most people want to show up. 241 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:03,400 This is kind of where the where the gap is, is that gravers need support and supporters 242 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,040 genuinely want to help, but they default to things to like, let me know if there's 243 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:08,800 anything I can do or they wait to be told what to do. 244 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:13,240 And when people around you need direction, like they seem eager to help, but they need 245 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:18,280 direction, you can make asking for help easier by matching the request to the person. 246 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,960 And so this is similar to the help menu, but a little bit different. 247 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,480 I encourage you to take out a note, powder, do this on your phone if you're not driving, 248 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,320 to take a minute or two to think about the people in your life and answer the following 249 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:28,640 questions. 250 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,200 Who is organized and detail oriented? 251 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,920 Who likes being outside, for yard work or pet care or errands? 252 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,920 Who does not mind making phone calls as my group's resident extrovert? 253 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:42,480 I am relied on often to make phone calls and I really like that about myself. 254 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,160 Who enjoys cooking or cleaning? 255 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:45,880 Who is reliable with follow through? 256 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,440 Who loves driving long distances? 257 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:52,960 Like you probably have friends that have gifts. 258 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,480 Like you're friends and family members and your co-workers and neighbors, they have gifts. 259 00:14:56,480 --> 00:15:00,000 They have things that they enjoy doing or don't mind doing. 260 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,480 My wife is a total laundry snob. 261 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:06,320 And if anyone who was grieving asked her, would you come over and run a couple of loads of 262 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:07,320 laundry for me? 263 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:08,320 She would be delighted. 264 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:09,320 Do not ask me. 265 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,640 I will make phone calls for you. 266 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:13,720 I will sit on customer support. 267 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,120 I will give them your account number. 268 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:19,600 I will help cancel whatever subscription that you need. 269 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,480 I will talk to customer service. 270 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,880 I will get your cable installed. 271 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,720 Like whatever it is, I'm really good at that. 272 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:30,000 But my friends know they're like, don't ask how many do your laundry. 273 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,880 She'll throw everything in together. 274 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,040 And it's a total disaster. 275 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:36,280 I have no respect for fabric types whatsoever. 276 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:38,360 I'm going off on a tangent. 277 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:42,280 But recognizing like of my friends and family, like what are their gifts? 278 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:44,080 What can I count on them for? 279 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,440 Or what do I know that they like doing? 280 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,520 Asking them to do something that is in line with something that you already know they love 281 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,240 and appreciate and isn't hard for them is a phenomenal way to ask for help. 282 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:57,520 So to say to a friend, hey, you're so good with logistics. 283 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:01,080 Would you be open to helping me schedule my trip to sort through my brother's house this 284 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:02,080 week? 285 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,080 He lives in another country. 286 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,040 I have to plan international travel. 287 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,560 And I bet you can help me make sure I get everything right. 288 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:08,960 You can help me orient time zones. 289 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,520 You can help me pick a good hotel, insert things you can help me with here. 290 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,560 Or saying like, I know you love to cook. 291 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,760 Would you be up for dropping off a meal sometime this month? 292 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,040 It would really mean a lot to me and the kids. 293 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,240 Let me know if this is possible for you. 294 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:27,160 This kind, this flavor of custom tailored ask helps people feel useful instead of helpless. 295 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,760 It kind of gives them a direction to go in. 296 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,480 A direction that they're probably already going because it's something that they like 297 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:32,480 doing. 298 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:37,000 And it also increases the chance that they will follow through and show up to support you. 299 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,360 And that's something that every grieving person deserves. 300 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:45,360 Alrighty, number three is one of my favorites because it's an extraordinarily low lift for 301 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,040 a lot of people around you. 302 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,080 And it is to ask for help getting help. 303 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,760 Sometimes the hardest part of getting help isn't the task itself. 304 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:54,520 It's figuring out where to start. 305 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:58,240 And if you are feeling overwhelmed by options or you have no options, you feel like you have 306 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:02,320 no options in front of you, you can ask someone in your circle, friend, family, coworker, 307 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,360 neighbor to act as a connector for you. 308 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:09,600 So for example, you might ask a close friend, can you help me find a therapist or support 309 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:10,600 group? 310 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:14,360 Or you might post an all call on social media or in a group chat and say something like, 311 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:17,800 would anyone be willing to recommend a good lawyer for end of life affairs? 312 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,320 I need, I need a recommendation. 313 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:23,640 Sometimes, and this happens a fair bit in life after loss. 314 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:27,160 The people around you aren't qualified to help you in the ways that you need in this 315 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,680 season right now. 316 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:33,240 For example, you might need an HVAC technician to like fix your heat. 317 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,840 You might need an after school tutor for yourself or one of your kids. 318 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:37,840 You might need an accountant. 319 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,640 You might need a massage therapist. 320 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:43,160 But many of your friends, family and coworkers, they won't be able to do those things, but 321 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,200 they will, I'm putting this in quotes because it's gendered. 322 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:46,400 But they'll like know a guy. 323 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,240 They'll have a recommendation. 324 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:53,440 And asking them to make a connection is its own flavor of grief support. 325 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:58,880 And this kind of ask gets you the help that you need without you having to do endless research 326 00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:04,600 or trying to figure out how to rank things that is so much brain energy when you are grieving. 327 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:09,760 And so it takes the heavy lift and asks other people to do it for you while you are grieving. 328 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:13,320 And the bonus point of this is people really appreciate being useful. 329 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:16,400 And even saying, oh my god, I have this fantastic massage therapist. 330 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:20,440 Let me give you her phone number or let me show you their website or how to book or some 331 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:23,400 generous supporters will be like, let me pay for your first massage. 332 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,640 Like what a wonderful thing for a friend or family member to do because you're like, hey, 333 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,840 I need a recommendation for this. 334 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,760 And coming through and that way, yeah, you can use my lawyer. 335 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,760 Totally, you can use my realtor. 336 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,600 Absolutely, you can go see my hairdresser. 337 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:39,160 Like these are wonderful things to connect without like you're not asking your friends and 338 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,920 family to cut your hair. 339 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,240 You are asking them to refer you to someone who can. 340 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:48,920 And that is a different kind of support that people can give you when it comes to the logistics 341 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:49,920 of life. 342 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,720 Okay. 343 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,360 Next section, I have four suggestions for you. 344 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:58,640 These are grieving asks, support for your emotional world. 345 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:02,040 The simplest and one of my all time favorites, again, I talk about it in my book, of course, 346 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,880 I'm here right now, is to ask for ongoing check-ins. 347 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:10,760 In the early days after a loss, as you know, support often comes in very quickly and like 348 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:11,760 a whole lot. 349 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:16,000 People talk about being buried under an avalanche of grief support and casseroles and flowers. 350 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:20,600 But over time, and sometimes really quickly, the message is, ooh, hell, slow down. 351 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:22,360 Now return to their routines. 352 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:28,040 Meanwhile, your grief is still a very present, constant part of your life. 353 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,360 You are allowed to ask for continued care. 354 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:34,920 So you might say to a friend or family member, would you be open to checking in on me once 355 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,400 a week for a while? 356 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:40,520 Or it would mean a lot if you could text me on Sunday nights that time of the week feels 357 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,080 especially hard. 358 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:47,280 Decide on the time frame between the two of you, but like asking people to consistently 359 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,560 check in, that is a good ask when you are grieving. 360 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:53,040 It creates consistency. 361 00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:57,080 And that is something that your nervous system can begin to rely on in a season of uncertainty 362 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,320 and unknown. 363 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:04,640 And it also creates a sense of connection with someone who genuinely cares about you. 364 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:10,360 The next ask I have for you is to ask for presence, not solutions. 365 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:15,600 Because a lot of well-intentioned grief supporters default to advice or platitudes when they 366 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,080 feel uncomfortable or when they don't know what to say. 367 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:22,320 And often their reasoning is, I don't know what else to say. 368 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:26,000 But what you might actually need is something simpler than words. 369 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,760 And that is just company. 370 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:28,760 Just show up. 371 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:29,760 Just be there. 372 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:34,520 You can guide people to support you in life after loss by asking for their presence or asking 373 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,080 for a listening ear. 374 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,200 So you might try requesting, can you just sit with me for a little bit? 375 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,360 We don't have to talk much. 376 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:42,920 It just comforts me that you're here. 377 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,360 Or I don't need solutions or advice right now. 378 00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,200 Just someone to listen. 379 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:50,840 If you are geographically far away from someone, if you are a long distance, that you would 380 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:54,960 like to support you, consider asking them to keep you company over FaceTime or over a phone 381 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:55,960 call. 382 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,840 I have heard of this from grieving people who are having trouble sleeping. 383 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,520 And so they will call a friend or family member and say, "Can you just stay on the phone 384 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:03,520 with me until I fall asleep?" 385 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,560 Would I have to even say anything? 386 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:09,720 Just recognize that I'm sleeping, I'm snoring, whatever's happening. 387 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:14,720 But it is comforting to not fall asleep alone in certain seasons of grief of your life. 388 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:19,340 Something that I love and I actually did with my wife on one of our first dates is look 389 00:21:19,340 --> 00:21:24,640 up free games online that you can play like multiplayer, you can send each other the link. 390 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,240 And in the games, you can see each other and interact. 391 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:31,080 But the focus of the game is doing a puzzle or achieving a goal together, trying to like 392 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,080 get a milestone. 393 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:37,480 And it changes interaction, it changes companionship to become less about talking or getting into 394 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:39,640 the emotions of your grief or even like what do I say? 395 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,320 I don't know, what do I say? 396 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:46,360 But it turns it into like we are just in the same space together while one of us, you, is 397 00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:50,200 grieving and the other one is supporting. 398 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:54,560 Asking for presence instead of solutions can transform the interaction from you feeling 399 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:59,400 misunderstood or overloaded by cheerleading and cliches to feeling genuinely seen and 400 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,960 supported in your grief. 401 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:07,040 It allows you to be where you are without changing and without managing someone else's discomfort 402 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:10,040 or awkwardness or expectations. 403 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:14,320 Simply asking, I would love if you were just here with me, there's no need to solve anything, 404 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,300 grief isn't something to solve if you want to do a little bit of grief education or you 405 00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:19,400 can send them this show. 406 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,560 But to just say, I just love having you here. 407 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,800 It means a lot to me that you're here and that you keep coming back. 408 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:28,320 That's a lovely thing to ask for when you're grieving. 409 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:35,240 Number six is to ask for participation in simple rituals of remembrance. 410 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:39,360 Life often carries with it, especially as time continues on. 411 00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:44,640 This quiet longing, please do not forget about my loss. 412 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:49,800 And one way to meet that longing with compassion is to invite other people that you know into 413 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:53,560 small and low pressure acts of remembrance. 414 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,160 They do not have to be elaborate. 415 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:58,560 They can be very, very simple, accessible and optional. 416 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:02,080 For instance, I recently read a book, it's over here on my shelf, I'm going to reach and 417 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,680 grab it really quick. 418 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:07,400 For people who are watching on YouTube, it is called Always a Sibling by Annie S. Glaver 419 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:08,640 Orinstein. 420 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:13,040 And it's about the subtitles, the forgotten mourners guide to grief. 421 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:14,800 It is about the death of a sibling. 422 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,920 And she has a tremendous section in the back where she talks about how people, family, friends 423 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,880 gather around grieving siblings to remember grieving sibling. 424 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,160 And so this example came from her book. 425 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:27,320 I'm having chocolate ice cream on Sunday to remember my brother. 426 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:28,960 Join me if you want. 427 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,360 And so everyone can have chocolate ice cream wherever they are in the world and be like 428 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,280 "Text your chocolate ice cream picture to the group." 429 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,720 And oh my gosh, isn't it so cool that we're all remembering him? 430 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,520 That's a very low pressure ritual. 431 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,760 That's accessible to most people. 432 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:45,160 And also makes everyone feel more connected and supported in grief. 433 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:49,080 Another great one is I'm lighting a candle tonight at 7 p.m. my time. 434 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:52,240 Will you do the same where you are and send me a photo? 435 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,720 That is a very low pressure thing to ask of someone. 436 00:23:54,720 --> 00:24:02,560 I saw an extraordinary story on Threads this week of a woman whose friend is getting ready 437 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,840 to euthanize their family cat this week. 438 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:06,640 And she's like "I don't know what day it's happening. 439 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:07,640 My friend has gone silent. 440 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,080 I'm assuming they're doing, it's already happened or they're doing end of life stuff for 441 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,960 this cat and planning and it's totally okay. 442 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:13,960 She's not responding to me. 443 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:17,440 But every night before I go to bed, I light a candle and I think of her and I think of 444 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:18,840 her cat. 445 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:26,720 And I just send them love and I send them good wishes and every bit of care in my heart. 446 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,680 And that sense of like "I'm lighting a candle where I am and you're lighting a candle where 447 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:35,520 you are is such a beautiful connecting thing to do that feels supportive to both people." 448 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:39,320 Another one is I'm listening to her favorite song today and thinking of her "Will you text 449 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:43,400 me the next time that you hear this song on the radio or in a store?" 450 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:47,200 I found out after my mom died that she was a big prince fan, especially when she was 451 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:52,800 in her 20s and now every time I hear prince I think of her and so anytime other people hear 452 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:59,960 prince often they will text me or voice mail me and say "Hey, I heard your mom today that 453 00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:04,360 prince Purple Rain was playing in the store while I was shopping for shirts or whatever 454 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:05,360 the case may be." 455 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:08,000 But like they are small ways to connect with people. 456 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:13,240 I have also told people that pennies remind me of my mom and so people find pennies internationally 457 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:17,560 and send me pictures of finding coins or other forms of money on the ground and that was 458 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:21,760 something that she very much appreciated and so it's a very small way of connecting but 459 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:26,960 you can ask people to show up for you through signs or symbols that you associate with a 460 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,960 person who died. 461 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:33,080 What I love about this ask is that you are not asking people to show up for like a big memorial 462 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:36,520 service or do things exactly the way that you do them. 463 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:40,960 You are simply offering them a doorway into continued connection with you and sometimes 464 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:46,840 that shared moment even if it seems very small can feel very very meaningful especially if 465 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:52,480 it continues to happen over the course of time. 466 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:56,760 The last one I have for you is to ask people to educate themselves about grief. 467 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,320 Something that I didn't cover at the top of the show but I want to make sure I covered 468 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:05,860 before the end is the awfulness and the unfairness of grievers having to grief and then also 469 00:26:05,860 --> 00:26:08,240 to be the teachers of their own grief. 470 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:14,680 It is stupid and frustrating and exhausting that we must grieve our losses and also teach 471 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,160 people how to support us in grief. 472 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,280 It is why I wrote of course I'm here right now. 473 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:26,080 This explaining of our experience over and over again and doing the work of justifying 474 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:29,960 our feelings and correcting misconceptions and translating what grief actually feels 475 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:34,520 like and looks like it's a lot of work to place on a grieving brain. 476 00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,800 And if the people around you really want to help your friends family co-workers let me 477 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:43,520 know if there's anything I can do you are allowed to ask them to meet you halfway. 478 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:48,320 Consider inviting them to research and educate themselves about best grief support practices 479 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:53,600 as well as resources specifically related to your type of loss. 480 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,800 So you might say I've been learning a lot about grief lately would you be open to reading 481 00:26:56,800 --> 00:27:01,200 or listening to something so that you can better understand what this is like for me. 482 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:04,920 And here's just a short list of things that you could recommend. 483 00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:09,000 You could recommend a book about supporting someone grieving such as of course I'm here right 484 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:13,360 now which is three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving or one of my other 485 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:14,360 favorite books. 486 00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,360 This is the book show I'm going to pull another one for myself. 487 00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:21,120 So my all time favorite on supporting someone through life's hard stuff other than mine. 488 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:24,880 It's there is no good card for this what to say and do when life is scary, awful and unfair 489 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:25,880 to people you love. 490 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:26,880 It is illustrated. 491 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:27,880 There are comic strips. 492 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,360 There are little doodles in here. 493 00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:34,080 It is from one of my all time favorite author and psychologist Duos. 494 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:38,400 And it came out pre-COVID so a lot of it's about showing up in person but a lot of it's 495 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:39,400 not. 496 00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:44,000 A lot of it is showing up through language and gestures that can be enacted anywhere and 497 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,800 it is for all types of loss, death and beyond. 498 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,960 You might share with someone a podcast episode that resonated with you. 499 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,560 Many people share episodes of grief growers. 500 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,560 So if you like this one share it. 501 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:57,480 You can also share episodes all there is with Anderson Cooper is a very popular one. 502 00:27:57,480 --> 00:28:01,560 Terrible thanks for asking with norahmackenary grief out loud which I've appeared on a few times 503 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:05,880 or good morning with Salon Im are some top hitters in grief podcast land. 504 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:09,880 And so if any episode from there resonates with you send it to a friend who says let me 505 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,200 know if there's anything I can do. 506 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:12,200 Yes there is. 507 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:14,120 Listen to this episode and let me know what you think. 508 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:17,440 This is what it's like to be in my shoes right now or this is what it's like to parent 509 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:21,760 a grieving child right now or this is what it's like to mourn a pet or a job or the state 510 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,160 of the world right now. 511 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:28,200 Another wonderful thing to send is a generic grief website like what's grief or modern 512 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:32,840 laws these all have a countless number of articles about what is grief and how to support 513 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:37,040 someone grieving and what does grief look like and how long does grief last they answer a lot 514 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:41,560 of griefs biggest and most generic questions and they're also very searchable. 515 00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:44,760 So what's your grief and modern laws are great places to do that. 516 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:48,200 You might share an article from a newspaper or a journal this might be more localized 517 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:53,640 to you or you might share a post on social media send it in the DMs of Instagram or TikTok 518 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,640 wherever you are and say this really resonates with me. 519 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:58,680 This is how I feel about my mom being gone. 520 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:03,920 This is how I feel about grieving the state of politics right now and let people respond 521 00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:07,600 to let them educate themselves as a way of supporting you. 522 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:12,120 And what I want to have really clear here is that this ask is not about testing people 523 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:14,760 or making them prove they're worth to you as a supporter. 524 00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:16,400 That is not what this is about. 525 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:20,960 This is about inviting people who say they genuinely want to support you to become more 526 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:24,600 literate at grief so they can show up in ways that actually feel helpful to you and 527 00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:26,560 not confusing or dismissive. 528 00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:32,040 It is also about taking the labor of teaching off of your shoulders so that you can keep 529 00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:37,920 doing the very hard and inescapable work of grieving. 530 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:41,880 Before we go, I want to share some tips about asking for help when your energy is low. 531 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:43,600 I promise low energy. 532 00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:48,640 Most of these are about creating a list and sending a text or making a phone call that they 533 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:51,640 are low lift asks. 534 00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:56,120 Even when you know what to ask for, the how can still feel like a barrier. 535 00:29:56,120 --> 00:30:01,560 So here are just a few like rapid fire tips for making asking for support easier on yourself 536 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:04,360 because you are already doing the work of grieving. 537 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:06,440 First is to use copy and paste messages. 538 00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:10,600 You might write one or two simple text messages and reuse them over and over and over again. 539 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:14,120 You do not need to craft a new text message every time and I guarantee your friends and family 540 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:18,160 members are not looking at their phones comparing notes about messages that they have received 541 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:19,880 from you. 542 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:23,600 Number two is to start smaller than you think you should. 543 00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:28,680 Asking for a quick check in text or a single errand counts as asking for help. 544 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:33,040 Let people show you that they can support you and then build on that rapport and connection. 545 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:39,160 So you might ask someone to get groceries for you at some point this week or this month, 546 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:44,720 one time and then request maybe could you drop off a meal once a month for the next few 547 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:48,240 months or the next time you make a big batch of soup, can you just double it and bring 548 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:49,240 us some? 549 00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:53,440 Like there are lower lifts and then there are higher lifts and you can judge what those 550 00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:57,360 are in your friendships but like start with something small or would you mind checking 551 00:30:57,360 --> 00:31:01,720 in with me and my dad's death anniversary could gradually turn into can we have a check 552 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:08,240 in every month or every two weeks as often as would fit for your relationship. 553 00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:10,000 Number three is to give people an easy out. 554 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:13,120 I also talk about this and of course I'm here right now because I think everybody in this 555 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:16,440 day and age deserves an easy out whether or not we talk about it. 556 00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:17,880 We are all extraordinarily busy. 557 00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:22,280 We're all extraordinarily stressed and we are all grieving someone or something even if 558 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:25,960 we don't feel like we're doing that acutely or urgently. 559 00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:30,440 So a great script for doing this after an ask is to say no pressure at all if you don't 560 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:32,600 have capacity right now. 561 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,480 This produces the emotional weight of asking. 562 00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:41,080 It lets people know that you need but it doesn't turn your need into a demand. 563 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:44,960 Number four is to use a group chat or a social media post when possible and appropriate 564 00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:48,680 and I put that asterisk and appropriate on it because sometimes asking for help with 565 00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:52,480 work tasks or things like that maybe not good for social media. 566 00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:55,240 Sometimes things are too sensitive for the group chat or you might offend somebody. 567 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:59,440 I don't know what your family dynamics are but use group chats and social media when 568 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:04,040 possible and appropriate and then use your discretion when you do that. 569 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:08,520 But social media is a fantastic place to share updates or requests all in one place or on 570 00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:11,080 one platform instead of repeating yourself. 571 00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,320 Again this can be used as an energy saving measure. 572 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:18,600 I did an episode of Griefgrower last year that's also a blog on my website about how to write 573 00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:23,800 a death announcement for Facebook or Instagram or any sort of social media and I mentioned 574 00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:29,240 in there that talking about what you need and what your boundaries are on some mass broadcast 575 00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:35,840 platform is a very easy way especially in this year of our Lord 2026 to tell people what 576 00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:38,400 your boundaries are, what your needs are with regard to grief. 577 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:43,280 And so when my mother died I made a post announcing that she was gone after we did the fun 578 00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:47,800 tree of the most intimate friends and family etc etc and we linked to her obituary and 579 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:51,920 we said here's when the services will be please do not stop by the house right now please 580 00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:56,680 do make a donation to this organization in Louis flowers and so it was a very clear place 581 00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:59,040 to tell literally hundreds of people. 582 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,080 Here's what we don't need and here's what we do. 583 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:04,840 Here's what we don't want and here's what we do and social media was a phenomenal way 584 00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:05,840 to do that. 585 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:09,920 So if that feels appropriate or if a group chat feels appropriate as you are grieving that's 586 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:14,000 a wonderful place to say something ones that haven't seen by a lot of people. 587 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:17,880 The last one I have for you is to ask on a good day and if you're not watching on YouTube 588 00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:22,640 and didn't see the air quotes good is in the heaviest air quotes I can possibly make with 589 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:24,160 my fingers. 590 00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:28,560 Good days and grief can be extraordinarily hard and rare to come by. 591 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:34,680 So when you have a day when you feel it in your bones of slightly higher capacity or energy 592 00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:40,600 use that energy to set up support for future you make the call and outreach to someone post 593 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:42,480 the thing on social media. 594 00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:43,960 Make your help menu. 595 00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:48,560 These are fantastic uses of those higher energy days and so when the low energy days come 596 00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:54,120 you have laid the groundwork for getting help in those in those slumps or in those seasons. 597 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:58,640 This is also especially helpful for things like grief or death anniversary as we talk about 598 00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:03,000 this in my online course life after loss academy is to list out all of your significant 599 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:07,200 grief days throughout the years you can notice oh my god December is a lot heavier than 600 00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:08,560 I thought it was. 601 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:13,360 And so starting to plan for December in August or September when can people drop off meals 602 00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:17,600 can anyone take over carpal is anyone want to get up on a ladder and string lights around 603 00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:21,920 my house like thinking of those things in advance before you need them when you're having 604 00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:27,760 a good day is a wonderful way to prep yourself for getting support in seasons that you know 605 00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:32,280 will be hard even asking someone in September to say hey I'm looking at the calendar and 606 00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:36,400 December is a really rough time of year for my grief can you just check in on me every 607 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:41,080 Friday in December and sometimes I'll respond and sometimes I won't but it would help so 608 00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:45,800 much to know that I'm not being forgotten in one of the hardest seasons of my life. 609 00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:51,600 You can do that like work right now if you know a grief date is coming. 610 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:56,720 None of these tips is about asking for help perfectly or in the very best way it is about 611 00:34:56,720 --> 00:35:01,600 reducing friction so that support becomes more accessible to you. 612 00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:07,120 So many things get so hard in life after loss simply because it is hard to do everything 613 00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:11,840 that you used to do before loss now with the added weight of grief. 614 00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:17,600 Every single one of these tips every one of these seven asks is about getting all the obstacles 615 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:21,760 or as many as humanly possible out of the way between you and support so that you can 616 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:25,880 actually have the help you need as you grieve. 617 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:32,280 I also want to mention like what happens Shelby when asking for help still feels hard because 618 00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:35,920 you can have the scripts you can have the menu you can have the ideas you can even have 619 00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:40,520 people around you who are actually willing to support you and follow the help through 620 00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:43,440 and asking for help can still feel hard. 621 00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:49,160 This does not mean that you are doing anything wrong sometimes asking for help after a loss 622 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:53,560 is layered with so many of your real life experiences. 623 00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:57,120 Some of them might be rooted in your current grief experience but they can also go further 624 00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:01,400 back to your childhood when you depended on others to get the help you needed to move 625 00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:05,400 through the world and sometimes you did and sometimes you didn't and those fears and 626 00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:11,480 those stories can all come up as you are asking for help moving through a devastating loss. 627 00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:15,320 So some of these stories might include you've asked for help before and been laughed at 628 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:16,720 or let down. 629 00:36:16,720 --> 00:36:21,000 You may be used to being the one that other people rely on and are not used to having the 630 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,200 tables turned on you. 631 00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:29,240 You might have been taught that having needs at all is cringy or burdensome or inconvenient 632 00:36:29,240 --> 00:36:34,480 to other people or you may not fully trust that people will show up for you in the ways 633 00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:36,280 that you need them to. 634 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:40,320 What I have to say and this comes from my book of course I'm here right now is that of 635 00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:47,880 course asking for help feels complicated and what I want to invite you to do is that 636 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:52,080 instead of forcing yourself to push through that discomfort or that complication especially 637 00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:55,520 now that you have a grief to deal with in the picture you might start with something 638 00:36:55,520 --> 00:37:02,160 smaller or quieter and ask yourself not how do I ask for help but what feels just barely 639 00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:03,480 doable. 640 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:09,720 This might be sending one text or saving a draft message that you can mask text on a day 641 00:37:09,720 --> 00:37:13,960 when you have more energy or simply noticing who in your circle a friends and family 642 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:18,920 feels the safest to reach out to and that's your only homework for the day that counts for 643 00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:20,680 something too. 644 00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:26,240 Lastly, I want to give you a note on getting professional help and support. 645 00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:30,680 This entire episode is solely focused on getting help from people who are already in your 646 00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:31,680 life. 647 00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:33,920 These are friends, family, co-workers and neighbors. 648 00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:39,000 Sometimes you need additional support for coping with dealing with moving through grief. 649 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:43,120 If you are looking for more structured or immediate help you might explore things like 650 00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:46,600 Crisis Textline which is a free text-based support probe. 651 00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:51,080 You can literally Google Crisis Textline and find it in your country and text them right 652 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:52,080 away. 653 00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:54,680 Trained volunteers or trained to respond like literally as soon as you send the text which 654 00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:55,680 is amazing. 655 00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:59,120 I have used it for myself and my own dark nights of the soul. 656 00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:02,720 You can also text or call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. 657 00:38:02,720 --> 00:38:06,800 This is 988 in the United States but in the blog that goes along with this episode I have 658 00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:10,680 linked the worldwide directory of Suicide and Crisis Lifelines if you are interested in 659 00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:11,680 that. 660 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:14,920 Not only for yourself I encourage you not to call necessarily for other people because 661 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:18,040 of history of police violence and blah blah blah. 662 00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:21,720 You can definitely read more about that on the internet. 663 00:38:21,720 --> 00:38:24,640 You can search for if you are looking for a therapist or a counselor. 664 00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:26,480 Psychology Today's Therapist Directory. 665 00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:32,360 They do have a US-based as a company but they do have directories for therapists in 666 00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:35,800 other, I believe, primarily English-speaking countries. 667 00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:39,400 You could search for a grief coach who aligns with your needs or consider working with 668 00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:40,760 me if that's something you're interested in. 669 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:43,880 I do offer a limited amount of one-on-one spots per year. 670 00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:48,720 You can also in your community look at your local hospital or hospice or funeral home or 671 00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:50,040 house of worship. 672 00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:55,000 So so many of these community organizations, even libraries, have wonderful grief support 673 00:38:55,000 --> 00:39:00,760 meetups and structured programming that is led by people who are qualified to do so. 674 00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:04,720 What I'll say about professional resources is that they exist to support you and not 675 00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:09,480 to replace your relationships. 676 00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:12,560 And if that's something you feel that you need, I'm like, yes, all for it. 677 00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:16,160 This is another section too, where if these are things you're interested in, if like I'm 678 00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:21,960 interested in professional support, you can go back to the living asks and see who in 679 00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:27,720 your network has had success or or like a good outcome. 680 00:39:27,720 --> 00:39:32,000 I know success and good or like squishy words and grief, but like with therapists or with 681 00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:35,960 a local hospice or with a local funeral home or some kind of group related to that, these 682 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:38,040 are asks that you can put out to other people. 683 00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:44,920 So again, you do not have to do all the hefty legwork of doing all this research yourself. 684 00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:50,200 What I want to close out with is the simple acknowledgement that you deserve help and you 685 00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:53,600 deserve the tools you need to ask for it. 686 00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:58,400 Grief demands a lot of you, more than most people can see from the outside. 687 00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:04,800 And asking for help, especially when your energy is low or missing, can feel like one more thing 688 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:08,360 on an already overflowing plate of your life. 689 00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:11,640 But getting support does not have to be all or nothing. 690 00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:16,680 As I mentioned before, it can look like one small ask, one text message, one shared task, 691 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:21,720 one errand that you ask someone to run for you, one request for quiet presence instead 692 00:40:21,720 --> 00:40:24,520 of solutions or advice. 693 00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:29,720 Getting for help will not change everything about your grief, but what it does is soften 694 00:40:29,720 --> 00:40:35,760 the sharp edges, even a little bit and help you feel supported and know for sure that at 695 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:40,640 least in some component of this, you are not going it along. 696 00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:44,760 You deserve so much support as you navigate life after loss. 697 00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:49,040 My blessing to you is that may you have the tools, these tools and the courage now to 698 00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:56,520 ask for it, and may your requests be met with enthusiastic and caring support. 699 00:40:56,520 --> 00:41:04,040 Thank you so much for joining me today. 700 00:41:04,040 --> 00:41:06,360 That's all for this episode of GriefGroer. 701 00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:08,760 Thank you so much for listening today. 702 00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:12,320 If you're looking for grief support beyond this show, you can find free workshops, blog 703 00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:18,480 articles, and my new What's Your Grief Supporters Strength quiz at ShelbyForSatthia.com/links. 704 00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:23,160 If you'd like to get support from me for your uni-gloss experience, join us in life after 705 00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:26,560 loss academy, my online course in community. 706 00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:31,600 As a student, I will walk you through my five step grief framework, GRIEF, for rebuilding 707 00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:37,560 after loss, and you can get live coaching from me every single week to answer your questions. 708 00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:40,560 Replays are always available if you can't attend life. 709 00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:45,640 It's just $33 a month to join or $22 a month if you're marginalized or financially stressed 710 00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:49,000 griefer, and you can cancel at any time. 711 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:53,920 If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational, or otherwise helpful to you, please 712 00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:57,800 subscribe and leave a review on Apple podcasts or Spotify. 713 00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:01,560 And be sure to share GriefGroer with a friend, because you never know what someone you love 714 00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:03,160 is going through. 715 00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:08,480 GriefGroer is hosted by me, Shelby ForSatthia, with theme music composed by Addy Goldstein. 716 00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:11,280 Until next time, GriefGroers, I see you. 717 00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:14,720 I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world. 718 00:42:14,720 --> 00:42:18,920 And I love you, because even through Grief, we are growing. 719 00:42:18,920 --> 00:42:28,920 [BLANK_AUDIO]