1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,800
Text messages are fantastic for grief. They are fast. They are free, depending on your phone plan.

2
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:09,520
And they are low pressure, both for the person sending and for the person receiving them.

3
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:16,080
And when they are written with care, text messages can often mean more to the grieving person in your life

4
00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:21,840
than flowers or gift cards or casseroles. So today on the show, I'm going to share the single

5
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:26,960
most important rule for texting someone who is grieving. 45 of my favorite text to send someone

6
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:32,240
grieving organized by how much time has passed since their loss. How to adjust your message based

7
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:36,320
on closeness, for instance, sending a text to a best friend looks a lot different than sending a

8
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:41,040
text to a coworker. And then finally, I will share how to adapt these text messages for other

9
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:51,120
types of losses.

10
00:00:51,600 --> 00:01:01,840
[Music]

11
00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:06,560
Hi there grief growers. I am so delighted to be here with you today as always.

12
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:10,240
If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back. And if you are new to

13
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:15,680
me and my work, hello. My name is Shelby for Scytheia. I am a grief coach, a three-time author,

14
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:20,880
and the founder of Life After Loss Academy. I have had the distinct honor of helping thousands

15
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:26,640
of grieving people stop feeling lost, stuck, heartbroken, and alone, and start building lives that they

16
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:33,360
genuinely love from the lives that lost forced them to live. This includes, of course, not only death-related

17
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:39,360
losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup, major diagnosis, and every other loss or transition

18
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:43,840
that changes your life. Here on GriefGore, we believe that grief is not something we get over.

19
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:48,320
It is something that we grow with and alongside, and that by treating grief less like a problem to

20
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:54,000
be solved, and more like an invitation to live more deeply, we can create meaningful lives that are

21
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:59,360
rich with the memories we carry, the struggles that we faced, and the precious awareness of what it

22
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:05,520
is to be alive right here and right now. And today on the show, I am so excited to be bringing you

23
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:11,440
45 text messages to send to someone grieving a loss. And I have sorted them by what to say immediately

24
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:17,760
after the loss, months after the loss, years down the road, and on significant dates like grief

25
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:24,240
anniversaries. Because you probably, like me, have had situations where your phone is in your hand,

26
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:29,760
their name is in the two-field, send this message to insert their name. You know they have experienced

27
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:35,360
some sort of loss, or this is a big day in their grief, and you have absolutely no idea what to

28
00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:41,200
type. Maybe you have come across this podcast because you just heard that your friend's parent died.

29
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:45,600
Maybe your coworker spouse passed away suddenly, and the whole office just found out through a

30
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:51,120
company-wide email. Maybe your cousin just posted about their miscarriage on social media,

31
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:56,640
or maybe it has been months or even years since someone you care about lost a loved one,

32
00:02:56,640 --> 00:03:02,400
and you are wondering if it's too late or too weird or too much to reach out via text message now.

33
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:08,720
So maybe you type something, and then delete it, and then type something else and delete that too.

34
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:12,640
And then eventually if you're like a lot of people, you put the phone down and tell yourself you

35
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:19,520
will figure out the right words to text them later. And if that experience sounds familiar to you,

36
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:26,640
this podcast episode was literally created with you in mind. What to say to someone grieving over

37
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:31,600
text is one of the most common questions that leads people who want to support grievers in their

38
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:36,640
lives to my work, to my new book. Of course I'm here right now, three actually helpful things,

39
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:42,240
to say to someone grieving. And it makes sense why text messages have become one of the main ways

40
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:47,520
that we show up for each other. And recent estimates in the United States show that approximately 85

41
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:54,240
percent of adults send or receive texts multiple times per week. Text messages are fantastic for

42
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:59,120
grief. They are fast. They are free depending on your phone plan. And they are low pressure both for

43
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:04,960
the person sending and for the person receiving them. And when they are written with care, text messages

44
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:11,840
can often mean more to the grieving person in your life than flowers or gift cards or casseroles.

45
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:16,320
So today on the show, I'm going to share the single most important rule for texting someone grieving.

46
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:19,840
So if you listen to nothing else in this podcast, I'll have you take this away first.

47
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:25,760
Next, number two, I will share 45 of my favorite text to send someone grieving organized by how much

48
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:31,760
time has passed since their loss. Number three, how to adjust your message based on closeness. For

49
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:35,840
instance, sending a text to a best friend looks a lot different than sending a text to a coworker.

50
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:41,040
And then finally, I will share how to adapt these text messages for other types of losses. So

51
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:48,480
things like divorce diagnosis, pet loss and other non-death related losses. So if you are ready to craft

52
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:53,840
meaningful and comforting texts that actually support somebody that you care about, keep listening.

53
00:04:53,840 --> 00:05:00,400
Okay, first things first, I want to cover why a text message is enough even when it feels too small

54
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:06,400
to address grief. This is a huge myth that comes up in grief support world and is often like the

55
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:11,760
number one blocker that stops supporters for showing up for the gravers in their lives. And it is this.

56
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:18,880
A text message is too small to meet the bigness of loss. A lot of people who genuinely care about

57
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:23,840
offering comfort to their friends, family members, coworkers, they hesitate to send a text because

58
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:30,960
it feels too casual or insignificant for something as life altering and as weighty as loss. Many

59
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:38,080
supporters feel this like warped sort of unspoken pressure to make the bigness of their support gesture,

60
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:42,960
mirror the bigness of their grievous grief. If you are thinking, shouldn't I call or shouldn't

61
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:47,360
I send a card or shouldn't I send flowers or shouldn't I show up in person, you might consider

62
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:52,480
if you are putting this pressure on yourself to make the gesture of your support as big as the

63
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:58,000
effect of grief. And in a lot of ways, I can totally see where this hesitation to send a text

64
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:02,800
comes from. I think for a lot of people, especially in older generations, it can feel weird to have

65
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:07,920
conversations about loss, the thing that has changed this person's life. On the same communication

66
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:12,720
platform where you might receive shipping updates for a package or confirmed dinner reservations

67
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:17,840
or dentist appointment. But what I have learned from more than 10 years of working with gravers and

68
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:24,400
from my own grief after my mom died in 2013 and my best friend died in 2022, the size of the gesture

69
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:29,840
and the platform on which it happens matters far less than whether it actually happens.

70
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:35,040
Over and over and over again, the grieving people that I work with reiterate the same sentiment.

71
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:41,440
They say, I don't care where support shows up, just show up. Please remind me that I am not forgotten

72
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:47,360
and that my loss isn't forgotten. When you see it through this perspective, the perspective of

73
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:52,880
gravers, sending a text message is actually a really, really accessible platform for acknowledging

74
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:57,520
loss and supporting somebody through grief. A text doesn't demand an immediate response,

75
00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:02,880
the same way a phone call or an in-person conversation does. It doesn't require your grieving friend to

76
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:07,920
put on a brave face or find the energy for a face time or tidy up their house for guests. It

77
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:13,760
lets them receive and respond to your support whenever they're ready. So this could be at 3 AM

78
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:18,560
or in the hospital waiting room or in the parking lot before they go to work. I have written an

79
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,800
entire book on what to say to somebody who's grieving. It's called, of course, I'm here right now.

80
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:28,240
And I am always quick to say that there are no words or communication platforms that can offer your

81
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:35,040
griever the equal and opposite reaction, Newton's Third Law of Motion-esque effect. You might be hoping

82
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:40,640
to have with your language. What I do stay in the book and what I'll say again here is that words

83
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:46,240
do not fix grief and they are not meant to. They are meant for meeting someone you care about inside

84
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:52,160
of grief. Say, we are in this giant big awful thing together. And something as tiny as a text

85
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:58,240
is a wonderful way of showing a griever that they are seen and remembered and valued even and especially

86
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:05,760
in the midst of a loss that is overwhelming. Next, I want to get into the two golden rules of

87
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:11,600
texting somebody who is grieving. Number one, name the person who died and two, state what's true.

88
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:16,560
As a little aside, these are the same two rules I have for writing sympathy cards as well. It works

89
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:21,040
just as well for digital as it does for print. So first, let's talk about naming the person who died.

90
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:26,960
You must must must use the deceased person's name or the griever's relationship to them. For

91
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:33,120
instance, your mom or Marcus or your grandfather. Grieving people often notice that the people around

92
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:38,560
them start avoiding their dead person's name sometimes right away, right after the loss. As if

93
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:45,680
saying their name out loud might emotionally break them. But in reality, when a grieving person

94
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:51,200
hears their person's name from you or sees it written out over a text, it's usually a relief.

95
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:56,720
It tells them that their person still exists, is still alive in others' minds, including yours.

96
00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:01,040
And this is also why for many grieving people, the impersonal phrase, sorry for your loss,

97
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:07,360
doesn't feel like enough. And you can go back and listen to my episode of Griefgrower on why sorry

98
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:12,640
for your loss isn't enough and what to say instead, back in the catalog of podcast episodes.

99
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:19,520
Number two is to state what's true. State what you know. State what is obvious to you. Name

100
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:23,760
something that you know for sure about the griever's relationship to the person who died. You do not have

101
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:29,280
to be profound or transcendent or say what it all means. You just have to be really specific.

102
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:33,200
So some things that you might know to be true about your grieving person's relationship to the

103
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:39,280
person who died could include, "I know you two talked on the phone every single morning. I know he was

104
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:44,880
the one who taught you how to fish. I know you were her caregiver for the last two years of her life.

105
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:51,360
I know how excited you both were about the baby. I know he always hosted Passover at his house.

106
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:58,080
I know you've been best friends since kindergarten." And if you don't know anything about your griever's

107
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:05,040
relationship to their person, you can offer larger zoomed out truths about loss or grief in general.

108
00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:08,880
These are other things you might know to be true that aren't necessarily about the relationship.

109
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:12,880
So for instance, you might say, "I don't know what your relationship was to your dad,

110
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:17,920
but I know that anyone's death has an impact." Or, "I'm not certain how close you were to your sister,

111
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:22,800
but I know that sibling loss is tough." Or, "I don't know how you felt about caregiving for them,

112
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:28,080
but I know that losing the identity of caregiver can be hard." Or, "I didn't get the opportunity to

113
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:33,840
meet your son, but I can imagine his loss is life-changing." Those are all great things that you could

114
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:38,000
know to be true, even if you do not know the relationship to the person who died.

115
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:42,480
Here's what the two golden roles of texting,

116
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:46,640
"A grieving person look like in practice." When you put these two things together,

117
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:52,320
your text message might read something like this. "I am so sorry to hear about your moms,

118
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:56,960
put their name, put their relationship in their death. I know you visited her every weekend."

119
00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:05,200
That one personalized text message does so much more than a hundred generic, sorry, for your lost

120
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:11,120
text messages. It says, "I see your person, I see your relationship, I know and recognize and can

121
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:17,680
name what you lost. It is short and simple, it's two sentences, but it is extremely unique and

122
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:24,240
profound. I have used these two golden roles in my work as a grief coach, but also in my work as a

123
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:29,840
part-time florist. One morning I'll tell you a story, an elderly man came in to buy a bouquet for

124
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:34,800
his neighbor whose husband had died the night before. After I made up his bouquet of flowers and

125
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:39,040
rang him out at the register, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I don't know what to write on the

126
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:46,480
card." So I responded, "What was your neighbor's name?" and he said, "Fill." And I said, "What do you know

127
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:52,720
about Phil? Who was he or is he to you?" And this man said, "He has been my good friend and neighbor

128
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:57,840
for 47 years. He and his wife have lived next to me and my wife for almost as long as we've been

129
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:04,640
married. I'm really going to miss him." And I said, "That's perfect. All you have to write in the card

130
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:10,480
is, Phil was a good friend and neighbor for 47 years. We will miss him, dearly."

131
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:19,360
Two sentences, hugely profound impact. Name the person or their relationship. State what is true.

132
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:27,520
Using these two golden rules, this gentleman who came into the flower shop wrote a brief and heartfelt

133
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:35,920
card that Phil's wife could treasure long, long, long after her flowers died. It's so incredible. I

134
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:41,360
so encourage you to like try this today. Try this right now. Name the relationship and then state

135
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:47,840
what is true. If you're looking for even more text to send things that are very clear scripts you

136
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:55,440
can use, let's get into the 45 texts to send someone grieving the death of a loved one. As with every

137
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:59,360
resource and tool I offer, I encourage you to make these your own and experiment with language

138
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:03,920
as you discover your own supporter lexicon. This is something I talk about too. And of course,

139
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,920
I'm here right now as you practice being a supporter, as you practice being a comforter out in the

140
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:12,560
world supporting friends, family members, coworkers, strangers who are grieving. You start to notice,

141
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:17,760
you start to learn what words resonate most with you and what words seem to resonate most with the

142
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:24,000
people in your life. Use those. Use those. Most of these scripts I'm going to share include the

143
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:28,960
disease person's name or a truth about the loss. So I'm drawing on those two golden rules again.

144
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:34,080
And then almost every single text in this list draws on my book. Of course, I'm here right now,

145
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:39,360
three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving and here is why the phrase of course and any

146
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:44,400
of its variations offer emotional validation. So saying things like what you're feeling makes sense,

147
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:49,760
I see you, I hear you, I believe you, of course you would feel this way. The phrase I'm here and any

148
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:55,040
of its variations, I have not forgotten that you're grieving. They offer presence and witnessing. So I

149
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:59,600
see you, I'm not going anywhere. I haven't forgotten about you. I remember your person. I remember

150
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:04,960
your loss. And then finally the phrase right now anchors this moment in time. In other words,

151
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:11,360
this is how things are today and my support is not a one time offer. So if you check out the blog that's

152
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:16,320
related to this episode and you can find it, it shall be for sathea.com. If you just type 45 texts

153
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:21,440
into the search bar, you can find it. You will see an underlying everywhere I have used. Of course,

154
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:27,040
I'm here or right now in these text message scripts. And I want you to notice how these small and

155
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:33,440
helpful words. Of course, I'm here right now. Offer emotional validation. Of course, witnessing.

156
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:39,520
I'm here and time anchoring right now. No matter the grievous relationship for the person who died

157
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:46,080
or how long it's been since the loss. Our first group of text messages is what to text right after

158
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:52,080
the loss. So the first few days, the first few days or like the first week after a death are often

159
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:58,320
a flurry of phone calls, paperwork, decisions, shock, disbelief. Your texts in this time frame should

160
00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:04,480
be short, warm and require absolutely nothing in return. And I'm going to just read them out one by one.

161
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:11,360
I am so sorry to hear about your mom's death. I know you visited her every weekend. Of course,

162
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:20,240
this is devastating. I just heard about insert disease name here. I am so sorry. No need to respond.

163
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:26,880
I'm here. Disease name was one of the funniest people I've ever met. It makes sense that your heart

164
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:33,680
broken. I'm thinking of you right now. I don't have perfect words, but I have you on my mind.

165
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:40,400
I'm here today and in the weeks to come. Of course, nothing feels real right now.

166
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:48,560
Loss is surreal and weird. I know you took care of insert disease name for the last two years.

167
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:52,960
Of course, you're exhausted in every possible way. I'll keep checking in on you.

168
00:15:52,960 --> 00:16:00,080
I am so sorry about disease name's death. I know how much you love your Sunday phone calls with him.

169
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:05,760
I'm here if you want to talk about him or not talk at all. It makes sense that food might be hard

170
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:10,000
for you right now. I just sent you a meal delivery gift card. No need to text back.

171
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:18,320
Thinking of you and insert disease name right now. You don't owe me over apply. These are all

172
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:25,440
wonderful options for the first few days after somebody dies. Let's next move on to what to text in

173
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:32,160
the first few weeks after a death. So once the funeral or memorial services are generally over,

174
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:38,480
many grieving people describe this strange quiet and upsetting drop off in communication and

175
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:44,320
condolences. People who may have travel to be with them or take in time off work or school return to

176
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:50,480
their day-to-day lives go back to normal. The phone stops buzzing with messages of initial shock or

177
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:56,720
support and the reality that this loss is true. This happened starts to settle in and this is when

178
00:16:56,720 --> 00:17:04,160
ongoing and specific texts start to matter more. So you might say something like just checking in.

179
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:11,040
I imagine the house feels so quiet right now. I'm here. Of course sleep is a struggle right now.

180
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,840
Want me to stay on the phone with you tonight? We don't need to talk. We can just be together.

181
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:23,440
I'm remembering disease name today. I'll text again on Thursday. No need to reply.

182
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:31,040
The service for disease name was beautiful and I know the days and weeks after can be really lonely.

183
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:36,480
I'll keep checking on you. I keep thinking about the story you told about disease name

184
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:40,800
teaching you to drive stick shift in the school parking lot. I'd love to hear more stories whenever

185
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:47,680
you want to share them. If the project of sending thank you notes is weighing on you right now,

186
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:52,880
of course they can wait. No one is keeping score. And if you want I can help you write them or send

187
00:17:52,880 --> 00:18:00,800
them when you're ready. Of course you're angry. I know grief isn't only sadness. I can handle whatever

188
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:06,880
you're feeling right now and your emotions make sense to me. I'm running to the store tomorrow.

189
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:10,880
Send me a list of what you need for your house pantry or fridge right now and I'll leave everything

190
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:14,880
at your door. I'm also happy to go another day this week if that works better for you.

191
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:22,640
So these are all acknowledgments of feelings and emotions paired with some tangible actions

192
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:29,360
and the promise the commitment to keep checking in. Let's move next to what to text a few months later.

193
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:35,040
And this is when other support generally stops. This is often the time when many many many

194
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:39,920
griebers tell me everybody else has moved on. The meal train has officially ended. Co-workers have

195
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:44,960
stopped asking how are you and everyone else seems to expect grieving people to be back to normal.

196
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:49,920
Meanwhile the initial shock of loss has usually worn off and the weight of the loss or the absence

197
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:55,280
of the person who died feels louder than ever. The administration of the loss is over and now the

198
00:18:55,280 --> 00:19:01,680
living with it is what is coming front and center. A text message a few months later at this point in

199
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:07,520
time can be one of the most meaningful you will ever send because so few people send one and I

200
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:14,560
encourage you to be the person who sends one. Here we go. I know it's been three months since

201
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:22,720
deceased name died. I haven't forgotten. I'm here. Of course this still hurts and you're still grieving.

202
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:26,960
Three months is no time at all. This is exactly as hard as you think it is.

203
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:34,000
I saw a cardinal at the bird feeder today and it reminded me of deceased name. Thinking of you right

204
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:41,200
now. I can imagine a lot of people have stopped asking about deceased name. I still want to hear about her

205
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:47,120
or I can share one of my stories about her with you if you want. Coffee on Saturday? We can talk about

206
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:52,160
deceased name or just catch up on life. Your call. I'll be there from eight to ten with the newspaper

207
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:58,320
at our usual table. No pressure to come or to stay for the whole time. Right now might feel

208
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:04,160
heavier than the first few weeks did. Of course it does. The fog is lifting and the missing is louder.

209
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:10,640
You don't have to be back to normal at work. Of course you're still grieving deceased name.

210
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:16,560
I'm in your corner. I've set a reminder to check in on you every Sunday night for a while.

211
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:21,120
No pressure to reply to my check-ins. I just want you to know that I care and I haven't forgotten

212
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:28,000
that deceased name's death is still an important part of your day to day. I made deceased names famous

213
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:32,640
banana bread today. It wasn't as good as his but it was edible. I'm thinking of you both.

214
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:39,760
These are all lovely things to send. Something just about every griever would be appreciative for

215
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:44,000
in the months after a loss especially when that support stops coming.

216
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:51,360
Next I'll share some messages to send around the one year mark of a loss. The first year after a

217
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:55,760
death is usually full of a lot of firsts, first birthdays, first holidays, first anniversary of the

218
00:20:55,760 --> 00:21:00,400
death itself. And then because of something I refer to as the hidden grief clock in my book of course

219
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:05,920
I'm here right now, many grievers feel enormous pressure to be better once that first year after a

220
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:13,040
loss ends. So any text message from you can gently release them from that expectation to abide by

221
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:20,720
the hidden grief clock. Here's some examples. A year ago today we lost deceased name. I can imagine

222
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:28,320
today is hard. I am here all day whenever you need me. I know the year of firsts is almost over.

223
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:34,400
Of course the second year can be hard too. I'm still here. It's been a year and I still think of

224
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:39,360
deceased name every time I hear Fleetwood Mac. I remember him fondly and I'm sending you care

225
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:45,280
in this moment. Some people might tell you passing the year mark means you should be done grieving.

226
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:51,440
Of course you're not. Grief doesn't follow a calendar. I'm lighting a candle for a deceased name

227
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:56,400
tonight at 8 p.m. Join me from wherever you are if you want. Even if you can't I'll send you a

228
00:21:56,400 --> 00:22:02,240
picture of the candle I lit for her. Right now a year might feel like forever and yesterday at the

229
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:08,960
same time. Both of those things can be true. You made it through a year you never wanted to live.

230
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:13,440
I bet the pressure exists to be okay now but know that when we're together you don't have to have

231
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:22,880
anything figured out. I'll be here for year two. Lastly for our text message scripts I want to get

232
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:29,760
to what to text years and even decades down the road because at this time most grieving people

233
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:34,800
generally learn to carry their grief alongside their everyday life but that does not mean that the

234
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:40,320
pain of grief is gone or that they have stopped wanting their deceased person remembered. A text from

235
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:46,720
you years or even decades later can feel like finding an unexpected grief gift in their pocket.

236
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:53,360
So you might say it's been five years and I still miss deceased names laugh I bet you do too.

237
00:22:53,360 --> 00:23:00,160
Right now I'm remembering the time when and then share memory. You might say of course you still

238
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:07,040
miss him and wish he was here. I was thinking about deceased name today and wanted you to know he

239
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:13,520
hasn't been forgotten. I know your daughter graduates this spring. Of course deceased name would have been

240
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:20,160
so proud I'm thinking of you both right now. Grief can sneak up years later if this week feels

241
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:26,320
heavier than usual of course it does I'm here for you. Right now I bet there aren't a lot of people

242
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:31,120
who still talk about deceased name with you. Tell me a story about them that I haven't heard yet

243
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:39,200
and then as a little bonus I want to get to what to text on grief anniversary's birthdays and other

244
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:48,000
sort of bright blinking neon spots on the calendar. Hard days. Because in grief there are some days of

245
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:52,960
the year that hit harder no matter how much time has passed. Again these could include death

246
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:58,320
anniversary's birthdays, wedding anniversaries, holidays, milestones the person who died should have

247
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:03,040
been there for. So if you know one of these days is coming put it in your calendar now and if you

248
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:08,480
want if you have this ability in your phone you can even schedule text messages to send on those days.

249
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:16,000
And if you are looking for a resource for texting somebody during the holiday season specifically

250
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:20,080
there is a blog at Shelby for Scythea.com called 12 simple texts that actually help someone

251
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:24,880
grieving around the holidays and if you go to Shelby for Scythea.com and search for 12 simple texts

252
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:31,680
you can find that one too. Here's your examples. I'm thinking of deceased name on his 13th birthday

253
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:38,160
remembering how he always sang off key at every party and thinking of you. Of course Mother's Day is

254
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:44,960
hard no matter how many years it's been. I'm here for you no reply needed. I know today would have

255
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:49,440
been your 20th anniversary with deceased name. I'm holding you both in my heart right now.

256
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:56,000
Starting a new job without deceased name here to celebrate must feel so bittersweet. Of course both

257
00:24:56,000 --> 00:25:03,040
joy and sadness describe your emotions in this season. I can see how your cousin's wedding this weekend

258
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,800
might stir up a lot of grief. Want me to be your get me out of here text?

259
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:13,840
Today's the day deceased name died and it makes sense should be on your mind even more than usual.

260
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:21,120
I'm here and I haven't forgotten. Before we go today I want to talk about two because a lot of

261
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:25,680
these are intimate or personal or picking up groceries and dropping them off or sharing specific

262
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:30,880
memories of a person who died. There are different ways you can adjust your text messages based

263
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:36,240
on your closeness or relationship to the grieving person that you're supporting. You do not need a

264
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:40,640
totally different script for every relationship in your life. Essentially the two golden rules that

265
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:45,600
we talked about earlier stay the same. So first name the person who died and two say what's true.

266
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:51,280
And then offer at least one of my three phrases. Of course I'm here or right now and you have got

267
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:56,800
the makings of a really really great grief support text. What changes is how much you know about

268
00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:03,280
their loss specifically and how close you are to them. So for closer or longer or more loving

269
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:08,800
relationships you might consider including more details or making more intimate offers of support.

270
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:13,200
These are instances of I can drop groceries by your house or I'll meet at our favorite coffee shop

271
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:18,080
I'll be at our usual table or things like I have personal stories or personal relationship

272
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:23,040
myself with the person who died. I have my own photos my own memories to share. And then for more

273
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:27,920
professional or more distance or acquainted style relationships you can keep your texts simple

274
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:32,720
by acknowledging the loss and then offering your presence in the way that feels most appropriate

275
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:38,160
to your relationship. So here is how one message about the death of a father might shift based

276
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:43,040
on your closeness to the person who is grieving. So if they are a best friend or a family member you

277
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:48,400
might type something like "I am so sorry about your dad's death" I know he never missed a single one

278
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:53,440
of your soccer games growing up and that you took such good care of him in his last few months.

279
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:58,320
Of course this is heartbreaking. I'm coming by your house Friday with dinner. No need to answer the

280
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:03,600
door if you want. I can just leave it on the porch. If this person is a coworker to you you might

281
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:08,400
write "I was so sorry to hear about your dad's death. I loved hearing you talk about his woodworking

282
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:13,600
projects at work. He sounded like such a crafty guy. No need to reply. I'm thinking of you and I'm

283
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:19,200
happy to swap a shift if you ever need to take a grief day from work." If this is acquaintance or a

284
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:23,920
neighbor you might write something like "I just heard about your dad's death and I'm so sorry.

285
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:28,160
I'm not sure what your relationship was to him but I know that all losses have an impact of some

286
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:33,200
sort. I'll be thinking of you." And then if this is a client or professional contact you might

287
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:37,360
say "I'm so sorry to learn about your father's death. I can imagine there's a lot on your plate

288
00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:41,760
right now. I am here whenever you're ready to pick things back up." And that's enough.

289
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:48,400
If you ever think that or believe that you are not close enough to a griver to warrant a support

290
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:54,160
text, I encourage you. Please think again. Just about every grieving person I have ever worked with

291
00:27:54,160 --> 00:28:00,480
or whose story I've read mentions how surprised they were by who genuine support ended up coming

292
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:06,000
from in their lives. In other words, you do not have to be a close childhood friend, a beloved family

293
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:11,120
member or even an emergency contact in someone's phone to be someone who offers meaningful comfort

294
00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:16,880
and support after a loss. And if you are ever unsure about sending the text in the first place,

295
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:22,480
you can always close your message with the sentence. I know our relationship up to this point has been

296
00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:27,680
waving to each other across the street or waiting tables together or doing physical therapy on

297
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:32,080
your knee like a professional relationship, a neighbor, a coworker. But I want you to know I care

298
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:39,280
about you and this loss. No need to respond. That is a really grounded way to frame like our

299
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:43,360
relationship up to this point has not really included grief. We have it really hard to hearted. We

300
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:49,920
haven't been those people to each other. But ending a text that way says, "I care about you. Your

301
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:54,720
loss means something to me. I will not forget that you are grieving." And then the no need to respond

302
00:28:54,720 --> 00:29:01,680
takes the pressure off of them needing to reciprocate in some way. You offer care without the need of

303
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:08,720
reciprocation. Finally, before we go today, I want to cover how to text someone after a divorce or

304
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:14,240
a diagnosis or another type of non-death loss. Because as we talk about all the time on grief grower,

305
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:18,480
death is not the only loss that deserves a support text. There are divorces, there are breakups,

306
00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:21,760
there are life changing diagnoses, there is pet loss, there is job loss, there is a

307
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:25,840
strangement. All of these things can knock the ground out from under somebody that you care about

308
00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:32,080
and all of these things deserve support and care. In these cases, the same framework applies,

309
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:37,840
name the loss, say what's true, and then lean on my three phrases, of course I'm here and right now

310
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:43,920
to craft your message. So here are some examples. I just heard about you in Sam breaking up. I'm so

311
00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:49,120
sorry. Of course this is hard, even if it was the right decision for you both. I'm here.

312
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:54,880
I know you've been waiting on those test results for weeks. Of course this diagnosis changes

313
00:29:54,880 --> 00:30:01,120
everything. I'm here for you in this moment and I'm not going anywhere. I'm so sorry about

314
00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:06,080
Biscuits death. I know he slept at the foot of your bed for 12 years. I'll keep checking on you.

315
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:12,080
Of course losing your job feels like losing part of yourself. I'm here if you want event, plan,

316
00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:17,920
or just watch bad TV together. The thing I always reiterate in my work is that grief is grief,

317
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:23,360
whether or not somebody died and losses can be significant without a death, and each of these

318
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:31,760
losses and so many more in the non-death variety deserve to be met with words and support that literally

319
00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:39,280
be a text message. Say so. So what I want to send you off with today is the encouragement, the

320
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:46,720
hutzpah, the initiative to send a grief support text and then send another one. Because now you have

321
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:52,240
a list of dozens of messages to text to a friend, a family member, a neighbor, a coworker, a client,

322
00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:56,720
a acquaintance, anyone in your life who is grieving a loss. Whether they are facing the death of a loved

323
00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:02,960
one or another sort of life altering loss, I sincerely hope that these scripts for text messages act

324
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:07,440
as starting points for meaningful conversations about grief with somebody in your life that you care

325
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:13,520
about. What I want to remind you of is that you do not need to write a big long paragraph. You do not

326
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:17,920
need to have lived through the same type of loss or even have professional qualifications. You

327
00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:23,200
do not have to be therapist and you definitely do not need to make their pain go away. You just need

328
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:28,960
to name the loss, say what is true, and let your grieving person know of course your feelings make

329
00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:36,160
sense. I am here for you and right now is allowed to be exactly as hard as it is. So take a breath

330
00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:44,080
and send a support text as soon as this podcast ends. And then tomorrow or next week or next month

331
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:49,760
send another one because the most powerful thing you can say to someone grieving is not a single

332
00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:56,400
perfect text message. It is saying something again and again showing up with your small yet mighty words

333
00:31:56,400 --> 00:32:03,200
long after everyone else in their life has gone quiet. And if you want even more tips and tools

334
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:08,400
for supporting somebody in your life who's grieving, including a crap load of scripts and words,

335
00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:12,720
please, please, please check out my book. Of course, I'm here right now. Three actually helpful things

336
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:18,800
to say to someone grieving. It is a short less than 250 pages. Practical guide for supporting somebody

337
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:24,240
through any kind of loss, no matter how long it's been or the type of loss that they are facing.

338
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:29,600
And it argues that words are our best, most powerful grief support tool. They are free. They are

339
00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:34,240
portable. They are available on every platform and medium and they are available whether you are in

340
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:39,920
person or long distance. You can find of course I'm here right now in hardback ebook and audio

341
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:45,360
book so you can learn and absorb this information about how to be a supporter of grievers in the way

342
00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:52,640
that works best for you. I am so grateful you join me today. If you are not driving or operating

343
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:56,320
heavy machinery, grab that phone, send a text right now. I have faith in you.

344
00:32:56,320 --> 00:33:06,640
That's all for this episode of Grief Grower. If you're looking for grief support beyond this show,

345
00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:10,960
you can find free workshops, blog articles and my new book. Of course I'm here right now. Three

346
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:17,040
actually helpful things to say to someone grieving at shallbeforsithia.com/links. And if you'd like to

347
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:21,920
get support from me for your unique loss, you can join me at any time inside life after loss

348
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:27,440
academy, which is my online course and community. As a student, I will walk you through my five step

349
00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:32,400
grief framework for rebuilding after loss and you can get live coaching with me every single week

350
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:38,400
to answer your questions. Replays are always available if you can't attend life. It's just $33

351
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:43,760
a month to join or $22 a month if you're marginalized or financially stressed griver and you pick

352
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:50,000
the price that works best for you. If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational or otherwise

353
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:54,880
helpful to you, please subscribe and leave a review on Apple podcasts. And be sure to share

354
00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:58,720
Grief Grower with a friend because you never know what someone you love is going through.

355
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:04,240
Grief Grower is hosted by me, Shelby Forsithia, with theme music composed by Addy Goldstein.

356
00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:09,600
Until next time, Grief Grower's, I see you. I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing

357
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:15,680
in the world. And I love you. Because even through Grief, we are growing.

358
00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:25,680
[Music]