lot of grieving people, including myself, thought and think that when hopelessness like floods
its heavy weight on top of grief, which is already heavy, it is very easy to think that
there is nothing light or good in your world. But very tiny breaths of fresh air in the
form of shifted perspective can keep you going when everything feels like it sucks and
there is no point to anything.
Hi there grief growers and welcome back to Grief Grower. I am so honored to be here with
you today. My name is Shelby Farsithia. If you've been growing alongside me for a while,
welcome back and if you are new to me and my work. Hello. I am Shelby Farsithia, a
Grief Coach, two-time author and the founder of Life After Loss Academy, which is an online
course and community that has helped dozens of grieving people stop feeling stuck, lost,
broken and alone, and start building lives that they love from the ones that lost force
them to live. This of course not only includes death-related loss but also divorce, break
up and diagnosis and any other major transition that changes your life. Here on the show we
believe that grief ain't something to get over, it is not a problem to be diagnosed or fixed.
It is an invitation to live more deeply with ourselves and our fellow humans and to create
meaningful lives that are rich with the memories that we carry, the struggles that we faced,
and the awareness and the preciousness of what it is to be alive right here and right
now. As I mentioned on the past two podcast episodes, I've got some live events coming
up if you'd like to join me here in the future, we'll get through these really fast and
then I would love, love, love to get into today's topic because I know it's one that's
so many grieving people struggle with. This Sunday if you are free and available in Chicago,
I am co-sponsoring the Talk Death Cemetery Scavenger Hunt, which is exactly what it sounds
like. It is a scavenger hunt in a cemetery and this is something that's happening nationwide
across the US. So if you are not in Chicago, you can find a Talk Death Cemetery scavenger
hunt somewhere near you by going to their website and it is a way to explore some of the
materials, meet other people who are interested in talking about death, dying, bereavement and
grieving and to sort of be in a space normally associated with sadness and death and to be
playing a game, to be participating in something else besides sorrow or in addition to sorrow
in a place that is normally devoted to just that. I of course will be there Angel Luna of
Death and Friends, which is the number one comedy podcast about death and loss hosted by two
comedians will be there Grace Robbins of Coimbat Romania, which is a Chicago based cemetery
education platform will be there and Jensen Allen the director of Grace Land Cemetery
in Arboridam, which is where this is taking place will be there as well. In the late morning,
we will have some cemetery tours. You can join one of two waves of free cemetery tours.
We're going to have a Q&A about death, dying cemeteries and grief of which I will be on.
And then at 1.30, talk death will share a list of clues to find on their Instagram and website
and we will all disperse throughout the cemetery to try and find the clues that it has displayed.
So things like interesting headstones, items that are often found in cemeteries, interesting
names or dates. And I know that not every cemetery will have every clue, but the clues are
inclusive enough that they include most cemeteries here within the United States. And of course,
if you would like to win something, prizes are going to be awarded to whoever finds
13 clues and uploads them to the site first. The highest number of clues found and accolades,
such as most creative photography. So there's lots of opportunities to make this fun and interesting
and just a really lovely way to connect again with people who are interested in talking about death
and grief, which are communities that can be kind of hard to find in today's world.
This event is free and open to the public. So I hope to see you there if you are a Chicago
local. And you can register at ShelbyFersithia.com/events. Second event coming up is the grief
tastic book fair. This is happening in November of this year on November 21st, which is a Friday
in LA. So if you are on the West Coast, I'm coming for you. My book, my second book, Your Grief,
Your Way has been chosen to be one of the books featured in the grief tastic book fair. And it is
just like your childhood book fair, the Scholastic Book Fair, only sadder. So it is a grief book
or Ramapalooza. It is a day entirely devoted to grief books, grief authors, and how we use words to
talk about the experience of grief. This is happening at the Lux Hotel in Los Angeles. And is a full
day. There's a brunch early in the morning until noon. And then at noon, the book fair opens up
and you can buy books, shake hands with authors, watch panels, things of that nature. And I will be
there signing books and also leading a panel with a few of my fellow authors. Rachel Cargill will be
there, Rebecca Sofer, who has been a guest here on grief grower. David Kessler, Hope Edelman,
Jennifer Pastelov, and so, so many other authors will be there to talk to you about their grief books,
to sell you their wares. And everyone gets to take home my favorite piece of like
conference merchandise ever. It is a tote bag called a sad sack. And it is filled with all kinds of
grief related items that will encourage you to read even more grief books. If you would like to
come, you can use the code grief BFF, G-R-I-E-F-B-F, for 15% off tickets before they sell out and they
usually do sell out. And all proceeds from this event benefit are house, which is a grief support
center that provides services across LA. And if you're going to be attending the end well conference
the day before on November 20th, I will be there also. You can use the code G-R-I-E-W-25 to say
15% on that ticket. And I will be in the audience taking notes if you'd like to sit together and talk
about what we're learning. I would love to see you at any or all of these events and connect in
person. You can bring your books. I love signing them, bring your stories, I love hearing them,
bring your loved ones, I love learning about them through your eyes. Okay.
So now I want to get to the heart of this episode. It's a bit of a shift in emotional tone transition
from talking about events and come see me and let's talk about grief together to talking about hopelessness.
And people in my personal life and some students and clients who are long time followers of my work know
that hopelessness is my least favorite emotional experience related to grief. I love
sorrow. I love anger, processing anger, helping other people process and name their anger, expressing anger.
I love numbness sometimes or learning about numbness and shock and figuring out ways to move through
them. I even love like heartache, nostalgia. There's a lot about the grief experience that I have
grown to love through 12 years of being a grieving person. But hopelessness still to this day remains
one of my least favorite emotional experiences to happen. I know that I am not alone. And so today's
episode, I'm just going to go down a list just bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, of eight small but helpful ways
to make grief a tiny bit easier if you are living in the midst of hopelessness, helplessness,
powerlessness or despair. There's like this faction of four hopelessness, helplessness, powerless
and despair that all live together and make grief really extra hard. So if this is where you are
right now, first off, you are not alone. And second off, I hope one or more of these tools can help
you feel like you're able to lighten the hopelessness or set it off your shoulders for a minute or
open a door into the the stuffy or sticky room of your life that brings in some freshness or some
light where it currently feels like there is none. Because there are seasons of life where grief
does not just hurt. It it feels as if it's like scooping you out from the inside. And grief changes
your relationship to yourself, into the world, into time, into meaning, and above all of these things
hope and autonomy and power. And there are days and maybe for you and certainly for me weeks and
longer where everything feels so relentlessly heavy that even getting out of bed in the morning
feels impossible. So if you've been in that place, if you're in that place right now,
you know that society is like usual self-care tips, just are not helpful to say the least,
you do not need a new morning routine or a fancy face mask, you need reasons to not pull the
covers back over your head and say what is the F and point. And to be clear, this podcast is not
about fixing your grief or printing up your hopelessness so that it never comes your way again.
That's not something I have the power to do and it's not possible. It's also not the point.
What this podcast episode is for is gifting you a very tiny handful of small and oddly practical
and sometimes morbidly funny. We'll get there. Ways to keep moving when hopelessness is the thing
that is in front of your face. These are ideas I've used myself or taught to others and also watched
grieving people implement on their very worst days. So try them on, see if they work for you,
or save this episode and revisit it or relisten to it later or send to a friend who is feeling really
hopeless in this season, especially as we approach the holidays. And as always with everything,
take a resonates, discard the rest. Okay, so here are eight small helpful ways to make grief.
Just a little bit easier, especially when everything feels impossible and when effort
truly feels like moving mountains. Okay, number one. And this is inspired by my book, Your Grief Your Way.
It is make a list of things to stay up for because you probably heard people talk about something to
get up for having a reason to get up in the morning, but sometimes like the first part happens,
I get up, but the next wave of grief hits while I'm already standing. And this is why I invite
grieving people to make a list of things to stay up for. What keeps you out of bed? What keeps you
from crawling back into bed? In other words, what are things that hold your attention even a little bit,
even through the fog of grief? Or you could ask the question, what tether's me to the day when I want to
disappear from reality or disappear into the couch cushions? Your list might include something
beautiful. So like the way afternoon light comes through one window, it might be taking care of
yourself or somebody else, for instance, like a pet or a child in your life or another family member
or friend. It might be a favorite TV show or podcast releasing a new episode. So like this podcast
comes out every Thursday. If you are holding on till next Thursday, I see you. I'm here with you.
Me too. Perhaps walking or driving to the park, even if you never get out of the car or just
turn right around and walk home. And something to stay up for might also include making yourself a
meal, whether that's a bull's-ear-real or soup or something more complicated than that. And this list
of things to stay up for is not about a gratitude list. This is not about finding joy or happiness.
These emotions might feel very, very, very far away or inaccessible to you right now.
This exercise is about endurance and naming small reasons that you stay up is part of honoring
how hard it is to exist right now and also how you are still doing it. It is almost like a list that
reflects back to you. Look at all the reasons that you are staying up and you are staying up.
Number two on the list is to start a no-plist instead of it to do list. So some of these are going
to be funny. I'm sorry for laughing if you are in the midst of hopelessness. Your like shelving
nothing is funny right now. I'm going to laugh. It's okay if you laugh too. Hopefully by the end of
this we will be laughing together on some level. Even if it's just the dark humor of hopelessness,
sucks down it. But I think making a no-plist instead of a to-do list is really helpful because society
often mistakes busyness for being healed. Look if I just look busy enough or productive enough
that I must be okay. But when you're grieving having lots of things to do can just feel like more
pressure to get over it and act like your heart isn't broken or that hopelessness has not just
overcome your vision. So instead of goading yourself or prodding yourself to get busy in the midst
of feeling hopeless, why not give yourself permission to opt out? So for instance make a list of things
that you refuse to do. So I will not respond to texts that drain me. I will not put on a brave face
for anyone. I will not pretend I'm okay. I will not say yes to things I resent. And you can even
add silly things to your list if you want to. For instance, I will not explain my resting grief
face. I will not wear pants with buttons. This is one I actually did with a client who was like,
we are sweatpants wearers period while we are grieving. You can say something like, for instance,
in the last of a child, I will not attend another baby shower unless I am brimed with cake. If the
cake is not there, why go? And they can just be the silliest, most petty reasons to note out of things
that can be really helpful when you're grief. And as a bonus, this list is not just about
not being out of things for the hell of it. It can also give you an idea of what is exhausting to
you right now. And where you might like to set boundaries around your time and energy and relationships,
even if those boundaries only exist for a little while. So in this season or right now or in this
moment, I'm not wearing pants with buttons. That's a boundary I'm setting with myself for myself.
And if I have to go somewhere where the pants have to have buttons, then I'm out in this season. That
could change next season. That could change in three months. That could change in two weeks. Who knows?
But having those sort of limited time boundaries that are attached to this list can be sort of a
bonus way of interacting with what just feels like a little too much right now. And what would I like to
know out of literally or metaphorically. And this helps you start naming those boundaries. One,
knowp on your list at a time. Okay, number three on this list is one of my favorites because it really
zooms in on what we talk about so often on grief grow, which is the preciousness of what it is to be
alive right now. And if you're feeling hopeless, I imagine that nothing feels very precious right
now like everything feels meaningless or pointless or without direction. And choosing one tiny thing to
care about. It is tempting to need or to demand from the universe a five year plan. Promise me it's
going to get better than this. And what you hear back is crickets. And what I need to tell you is
when you cannot be given or handed a five year plan because COVID taught us that everybody's five
year plans a little a little useless a little pointless. Sometimes the thing that gets you out of
hopelessness or just shifted into a slightly different frame of mind is caring about one thing. One
anchor to the world, even if you were the only person who gives a crap about it. So these this is
my very specific list of small things I care about and maybe they will inspire some of yours.
One of mine is updates on TikTok from the dandelion crayon girl if you know what I'm talking about.
This is a girl who's obsessed with dandelion crayons and everyone who knows me knows that yellow is
my favorite color. And watching her add to her dandelion crayon collection. The dandelion crayon was
discontinued I believe in the 90s or early odds. And she has led a campaign to bring the dandelion
crayon back. And it's a whole to do. And she is so wholesome and so creative and so clever.
With her discussion of this yellow crayon that I just can't help but be delighted every time she
posts a new video. Another thing I care about in a small way is watching my wife do nighttime
zoomies with our cat. I don't know what it is exactly about cats but my wife is just completely
obsessed with them and she'll get down on the floor. To play with them she will make toys and buy
endless amounts of toys that are in our house for the cat. And there are just things that I never
did growing up to interact with our cats and it's really beautiful and childlike to watch her play
with our cat. Another thing that is a small care of mine is my neighbor's holiday decorations, my
next door neighbors swap out their holiday decor like every three to six weeks or so but it's never
the same as it was last year. It's always something new and creative and they have lawn flamingos
that they dress up in costumes. My favorite one happened last summer it was called flamingo bingo
where they dressed up all the flamingos as nuns like in a Catholic rectory and did like flamingo
bingo. And you could get a prize sticker if you got bingo. Other things I'm looking forward to are
the second season of a show I really love on Netflix seeing my best friend's memorial tree bloom next June
and then watching a relative of mine get married next fall. And so as you can see I kind of have the
small things I'm looking forward to very much right now like today and this week. And then I have
small things that I care about and I'm looking forward to in some form or fashion. Next summer, next fall.
Like I'm trying to zoom out as much as I can. If you can't zoom out if all you can care about is
somebody posting an update on social media tomorrow. Go with that. And also if you have small things
on your list that aren't happening for a while. Those are also worthy of belonging on your list.
You can care about them and continue to care about them every day until they happen next year and
then pick another small thing to care about. So if it's seeing the rub in in your yard that you've
been looking out for my eggs in the spring. You gotta hang on until spring. You gotta
negotiate or figure out how to live alongside hopelessness until spring. And that gives you a little
mini project as a grieve or a little mini task to do. And I have to say like your one tiny thing does
not need to be deep or profound or even involve other people. It doesn't have to be something other
people are excited about either. Just allow something or anything to matter to you for one minute.
And this is not about distraction or magically conjuring up hope. It is about letting your heart
practice staying open to the world through the lens of just one little thing. It's like I'm closed
off to the rest of the world except for my next door neighbors and their yard decor. Closed off
to the world feeling hopeless about the state of things except for Danieline Crayon girl.
If that's where you're at right now, yes. And it's okay to stay there. You do not need to try and
scramble out of this place as quickly as possible. It is a practice in noticing what small things can
you care about and can you can you eventually make a list of them? Can you add to that collection as you go?
All right. Number four is inspired by an interview I did a few years ago with Cheryl Strait who
wrote the book Wilde. And that is to make every day a scavenger hunt for beauty or for science from
your person if you're grieving a loved one who died. And this is a practice again that came to me by
way of Cheryl Strait who's the author of Wilde. She spoke about how her mother always taught her to
put herself in the way of beauty. And so every single day even when you're feeling hopeless consider
how might I put myself in the way of beauty? How might I notice or find a single thread of connection
to my person who died if that's your grief to my body or to the world? So this could be a song on
the radio or butterfly that maybe lands on your sleeve or it's flitting from yard to yard. This could
be a meme that makes you laugh like hell or a blooming tree in your yard for so so many gravers
its nature. So I consider to look to nature if you can and if not there are other places and ways
to find beauty. And if you are grieving the death of a loved one please go back in the catalog of
Griefgrower episodes. There's an episode about remembering a loved one using a signs and symbols
library. And this is like tying in your five senses to remember somebody that you love who's died
and adding those five senses sort of stimuli to your beauty scavenger hunt clue collection
can help you find even more things that feel grounding and connecting to you. And those are all
sorts of anchors and tethers in the midst of hopelessness. It is a reminder that hopelessness is not
all there is. Number five here is another one of my favorites and one we talk about a lot in my
chapter loss academy. This is to give your grief a name and talk to it. When grief gets overwhelming
hopelessness is overwhelming. You're feeling powerless. You're feeling despair. You're feeling
helpless. Give your grief a name. And what this does is to separate the emotion of grief from the
zone of your body. And to kind of give you a power to talk back to it because if your grief is a
separate entity from you, you can have a conversation with it. So you might consider a cartoon monster
name like Griefzilla or a place like the pit or the storm. You might give it a human name like
George which is kind of funny. I love when people name pets human names and I love when people
name the Grief human names or you might just call it grief with a capital G. It can be something
ridiculous or sacred or a combination of the two. And you might begin to talk to your grief or to
your hopelessness like this. Like, oh, you again, George? All right, just get in the car but you're not
driving the car today and you're not picking the music either. Or okay, Grief, I hear you. What do
you need for me? Or, geez Louise, the pit is really freaking loud today. Time to phone a friend.
And externalizing your grief, making it a thing that exists outside of you can help you reclaim
your autonomy because it becomes something that you can acknowledge and even sort of hostage
negotiate with as opposed to something that owns you or dominates you or has taken you over.
And seeing your grief as a living thing is something we explore in great detail in life after
loss academy and courage. You just see your grief as a living thing to see it as a long-term
relationship to the point where I encourage you to like give it a name, draw pictures of it,
describe it to all of us. And if you're interested in learning more and joining us for private
group coaching about making your grief a living thing and living in long-term relationship with
it because we are all grieving forever, forever, for the rest of our lives, I hope you'll join us and
you can find more about joining life after loss academy in the show notes. Okay, number six is a
little hot, a little spicy. But this is what I've seen making the rounds on social media especially
lately and this is to make a list of shitty people that you want to outlive and this is for the
grivers who feel like it is fun to dislike people. It is fun to hate on people or dunk on people.
So I encourage you if this feels aligned for you and if it doesn't skip this one but if it does,
make a list of people that you would like to outlive. These can be people you know personally
or public figures that just rub you the wrong way for whatever invalid or illogical or very valid
reason you have. So you might write down someone who bullied you in high school or a relative who
has never had anything kind to say in your direction or a celebrity that uses their fame for negative
or nefarious purposes or politician who uses cruelty and force to get their way, insist on outliving
them and look at your list as often as you need to even and especially in the midst of hopelessness
and tell yourself no matter how awful I feel today I am determined to outlive insert shitty
person's name here. And here's the thing sometimes hopelessness can make you feel like your life is
not worth living. But this list of shitty people to outlive can remind you that you're still here
and you're still breathing and your presence alone can make the world a kind of more compassionate
place just because you are in it. There is some sort of purpose or meaning however small in being
alive to simply counteract the bullshit that other people are participating in in their one
wild and precious life. So sometimes making a list of people that you want to outlive
is a great way to go when hopelessness is on your shoulders.
Number seven is inspired by an experience I had in my own life and this is to ask yourself what's
the worst that could happen because grief and hopelessness together have this bizarre tendency
to make us feel invincible. For example when I was waiting tables a few years after my mom's death
a customer at the restaurant yelled at me for forgetting one of her side dishes and she was
like berating me in front of a bunch of other customers the person she was dining with blah blah blah
I was overcome but as I was rushing to the kitchen to go retrieve it so I could bring it with their
main courses I thought to myself I'm like my mom died you literally cannot hurt me more than that
and and this sort of wave of like wow I am like weirdly invincible now you can't hurt me more than
I've already been hurt that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me in the years since that
incident and in the many times I've told that story I've met dozens and dozens of grieving people
who report feeling a similar invincibility you can't hurt me I've lived through the worst
after a loss because once the unthinkable has happened once the devastating has happened you might
realize that most things in life that people are scared of are not as scary as they may have seemed
before loss and this can leave you feeling untouchable or reckless or free in ways that you may not
have been before and you can use that feeling of freedom to your benefit so when you are in the
thick of hopelessness it might be worth asking what if I said yes to something totally random
what if I stop caring what insert person here thanks what if I tried something new what's genuinely
what's the worst that could happen and answer that question honestly would you get rejected by a
friend group could you lose your job would people just have thoughts about what you're doing which is
usually like the worst that could happen for a lot of things that people fear would people look
at you funny if that's the worst that could happen I'm like go for it go for it especially if that's
something that could potentially have a positive effect on your grief but this exercise is meant to
let hopelessness and grief and despair and helplessness and powerlessness serve as
permission slips to experiment to sort of turn the knobs and turn the dials of your life you could
design your own year of yes via shonda rimes she's an author her wrote a book called the year of
yes because she noticed she said no to a lot of things and so for a whole year she just committed to
yeah I'm just gonna say yes to every invitation that crosses my path and she wrote a whole book about
it you could also just do anything that breaks you out of a monotony that you currently find yourself in
because you've already survived the worst thing that could possibly happen so taking reasonable risks
again I don't want you doing drugs or driving cars too fast or skydiving with a parachute I do not
want you doing those things but a lot of things that people are afraid of trying new things starting
dance lessons in your 50s wearing bright colors trying new recipes hosting dinner parties when
you've never done it before switching careers like a lot of things that people find genuinely very
scary after a loss you're like yeah that's scary what's the worst that could happen and see see how you go
my final tool for you grief growers is to practice saying maybe instead of never and this is one of
my favorites on this list because it is literally one that you don't need to move or to write or to
anything to do you literally just have to switch the words the story that you are telling yourself in
your head and the reason I wrote it is this when hopelessness shows up it often speaks in absolutes
and extremes especially if you've experienced a permanent type of loss like a death or a divorce or
diagnosis that is ongoing it is very tempting to think this is how it's going to be forever because
the loss in some way or some flavor is also forever so this might sound like I'll never be okay again
I will always feel this broken or there's nothing left for me notice those extremist words never
always nothing and that kind of thinking feels true but it can also be the extremism
extremity sure of grief talking when you are feeling powerless hopeless despairing overbombed
consider replacing never with maybe or these extreme words with possibly maybe possibly
for example maybe I'll feel less awful next week or maybe it's possible for this pain to change
shape or maybe one day I'll find something good to look forward to again and something I like about
the words maybe and possibly is that they do not promise anything they just open up tiny windows
where there weren't windows of possibility before and sometimes just the presence of possibility you
don't need to walk through that window you don't need to go through the door you don't need to do
anything just the presence of possibility is all that you need to get through the next day or
hour or week where hopelessness is also in the picture and the thing I want you to take away from
this episode is that hopelessness is a temporary state it may be your current one and it may be a
season not just a day or a week or a moment but hopelessness is not a forever state I think a lot
of grieving people including myself thought and think that when hopelessness like floods its heavy
weight on top of grief which is already heavy it is very easy to think that there is nothing light
or good in your world but very tiny breaths of fresh air in the form of shifted perspective can
keep you going when everything feels like it sucks and there is no point to anything so whether you're
making a list of things to stay up for whether you are deciding who you're going to live in spider
or going on a beauty scavenger hunt or simply replacing extremist words in your vocabulary with
softer ones every little bit that you do matters I want to reiterate that hopelessness and grief are
not things to be fixed or to be banished or or gone away you do not have to get better at grief
the goal of these tools and exercises is to remind yourself that while yes hopelessness
absolutely exists and is heavy it is not all that is in the room you are also in this room and you
have the power to make space for the hopelessness and for the small ways you can get through it too
as a last call in this episode if you are sick of feeling stuck in grief which is a word that more
grieving people use than anything else I did a survey of grieving people a few years ago and I was
surprised when the word they used to describe their grief was not painful or sad or overwhelming
most grieving people use the word stuck I am so sick of feeling stuck in grief so I created a workshop
that helps you begin to unstick yourself from the stickiness of grief I'm using the word sticky
and stuck a lot in this sentence good luck to me it's a tongue twister you can check out my free workshop
it is called grow through grief three ways to stop feeling stuck and start moving forward and in
this workshop you can find it on my website shall be for sathea.com it's just in the right hand corner
it says free workshop I'll show you my students and clients three favorite tools for coping with the
pain of loss including death divorce diagnosis and more and begin to move forward again and also at
the very end of that workshop I'll show you my five step grief method GRIEF we've talked about it
before here on the show that helps you build a life you love from the one that lost forced you to live
and you can find a free link to that workshop in the show notes I'm sending you so much love wherever
you are in grief and if you are living in a season of publicness right now I hope you'll try one or more
of these tools to crack open as many windows as you can in that dark room and one day um
know that you manage to get out because of something that you found here I'm sending you care
that's all for this episode of grief grower thank you so much for joining me today
if you're looking for grief support beyond this show you can find blog articles my signature what's
your grief support style quiz and the free workshop I mentioned at shall be for sathea.com/links
and if you'd like to get hands-on support from me for your unique loss experience join the community
in life after loss academy as a student you'll work through my five step grief framework for
rebuilding after loss and you can get live coaching with me and your fellow grief support students
every single week to answer your questions replays are always available if you can't attend live
and it's just $33 a month to join or $22 a month if you're marginalized or financially stressed
griever you can cancel your membership at any time if this podcast felt validating comforting educational
or otherwise helpful to you please subscribe and leave a review on apple podcasts or Spotify and
be sure to share grief grower with a friend because you never know what someone you love is going through
grief grower is hosted by yours truly shall be for sathea with theme music by addy gold steam
until next time I see you I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world
and I love you because even through grief we are growing