Words are your best, most powerful grief support tool.
It is not because they fix shit.
It is because they do something even more important.
They create connection and safety and a sense of belonging in the awfulness of life after
loss.
Hi there grief growers, I am delighted to be here with you as always.
If you have been growing alongside me for a while, welcome back.
And if you are new to me and my work, hello.
My name is Shelby for Scythia, I am a grief coach, three time author and the founder of
Life After Loss Academy.
I have had the distinct honor of helping thousands of grieving people across ten years of grief
coaching, stop feeling lost, stuck, broken and alone, and start building lives that they
truly love from the lives lost, forced them to live.
This includes not only death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup, major
diagnosis and every other loss that could possibly change your life.
Here on grief growers, we believe that grief is not something we get over, it is something
that we grow with and alongside and that when we stop treating grief like a problem to be
solved and start treating it like an invitation to live more deeply, we can create meaningful
lives that are rich with the memories that we carry, the struggles that we faced, and
the precious awareness of what it is to be alive right here and right now.
Before we get into today's episode, which is number seven in my supporting someone series,
a reminder that released day for my third book, of course I'm here right now, three actually
helpful things to say to someone grieving is coming up so, so, so, so soon on March 31.
This little guidebook teaches you how to support a grieving person in your life with the
best free tool that any of us has and that is our words.
So you will never enter another conversation with someone who's grieving, wondering, what
do I say to comfort them?
As an author, pre-orders, of course, are super helpful when it comes to getting the book
seen by bookstores and grievers and the marketing powers that be so you can find a link to pre-order
your copy in the show notes.
If you have already gotten a copy of the book, you can submit your receipt number from
bookshop or Amazon or Barnes & Noble or your local indie bookstore on my website to
access the free six week book club where we will read, of course I'm here right now in
its entirety and discuss it together as a group.
This book club kicks off in mid-April so make sure you have the book before them.
And if you'd like to celebrate the launch of this book with me, I'm hosting two launch
parties that I would love to see you add.
The first one is taking place.
The eve before the book comes out on March 30th here in Chicago.
There will be treats.
There will be flowers.
There will be an author talk by yours truly and an interview by my friend, Evily Wash
Kovak, who hosts the podcast success rewritten.
I would absolutely love to see you there and sign your book.
But a book is included with your ticket.
The second launch party is on the day the book comes out March 31st on YouTube so no matter
where in the world you live, you can tune in to hear more about the clients and interactions
that inspired this little grief book about what to say to someone grieving, plus hear me
read excerpts live and take your questions about what to say to someone grieving in your
own life, even and especially if you are a grieving person supporting someone else who
is also grieving.
And of course the replay of that virtual event will be available if you cannot attend
life.
You can save your spot for both of these book launch parties at the link in the show notes.
Let's get into the topic of today's episode, which is all about yet another way you can
support someone who is grieving.
And this is based on my book of course I'm here right now.
Six ways your words can support someone in your life who is grieving.
Because when someone you care about is grieving a loss, it is very easy to feel like words
aren't going to do anything or that words fall short of what you want to do of your intent
to comfort them.
You might worry that you'll say the wrong thing and end up offending them.
You might be afraid that you will make their grief worse or remind them of their loss.
Perhaps that you're concerned that you're not qualified enough and that you will get
involved in an overly emotional conversation and need some sort of therapeutic or psychological
tools that you don't know how to use in order to support them properly.
Suffice it to say, I have heard through the years many many reasons that people do not
choose to use their words when someone in their midst is grieving.
It is very normal, societally, to hesitate or stay quiet or default to surface level
small talk about the weather or sports or life news when grief is in the room.
But something I learned after my mom died and in ten years of supporting grieving people
is that words all by themselves are one of the most powerful tools we have to support
someone in grief.
Not because they fix anything, not because they take away anyone's pain.
But because of what they create in this space between you and the person who is experiencing
a loss.
And in my book, of course, I'm here right now, three actually helpful things to say to someone
grieving in the second chapter of the book.
I share what I call this gravel structure.
Yes, it's upon about a word game in a book about how cool words are.
I had to do it.
SCRABL.
It's not spelled correctly, but if you pronounce it phonetically, it's gravel.
So I went with it.
But these are six unique ways that words work to support someone who is grieving.
So today on the episode, as you learn how to support somebody who's grieving, I'm going
to make a case for these six different ways that words can support someone in your life
who's grieving.
And you might resonate with some more than others.
And hopefully seeing words through these six different lenses will give you the confidence
to reach out whether that's through text or phone or in person to someone that you know
in your life is facing a loss.
So let's get to the first one.
This is words as springboards.
And this is the letter S.
These do not have to be deep or long-winded in order to be powerful.
Sometimes their greatest role is simply just opening the door to future conversations.
Things like a short text or a gentle check-in or a simple acknowledgement of your grieving
friends' loss are all teeny tiny moments that signal, "I'm here.
I'll continue to be here."
Your words become a starting point, an invitation to revisit the topic of grief again and again.
And basically the power of words in this instance is showing that you are open to talking about
grief beyond the funeral, beyond the moment of the loss.
This could be as small as as micro as I'm thinking of you today.
I haven't forgotten that you're grieving or I'm here for you, even as the rest of the world
keeps going like nothing happened.
You are not just offering words for this interaction or this conversation, what's happening
right now.
You are also creating space for the next one.
You are indicating your sending up of layer that says, "I am a person it is safe to talk
about grief with," right now or springboarded into the future.
Let's move to the second one.
This is words as community.
See.
Loss can make grieving people feel like they no longer belong, whether belonging to their
families or friend groups or workplaces or spiritual groups or community organizations.
And in a world that often rushes people to move on and get over it, your words can
quietly push back against that societal pressure.
When you speak to someone's grief without trying to minimize or rush it, you remind them,
you still have a place here.
Your grief is safe with me.
So this could look like or sound like.
You have lost so much, you will not lose me.
I or we, if you're speaking as an organization or like a house of worship or something like
that, don't expect you to get over this.
That's not an expectation that we have.
You could say, "I'm not scared of you or your grief.
I'm sticking around for the long haul."
By using words in this way, words as community, language becomes a form of inclusion, a way
of saying, "You do not have to hide this part of yourself to continue to belong here."
And that is so powerful for grieving people to hear.
Number three, as one of my favorites, words as refuge the letter R. Kind words in and
of themselves with no other gesture of support can feel like a soft place to land.
When someone is grieving their inner world can feel chaotic or disorienting, even unsafe.
But language, specifically language that is steady and compassionate and emotionally
validating all language I teach inside, of course, I'm here right now.
This can provide a kind of pop-up shelter, like a pop-up tent, in the storm of grief, where
your grieving friend can rest and just like take a breath for a minute.
And in the book, of course, I'm here right now, I've right.
When your grieving person hears words that make them feel seen, heard and understood, they
may feel lower stress, decreased isolation, and an increase sense of psychological safety.
These are all very good things to experience when it feels like one's world is falling
apart at the seams.
And here's some example scripts that can offer words as refuge.
I can see why you would feel that way.
Of course, your reaction makes sense to me.
And you don't have to prove or justify your grief when we're together.
I don't know if as you're listening to this, there's just sort of a, like a settling,
oh, good.
I don't have to pretend here, I don't have to be anything else here, my emotions make
sense to someone else here.
That is such a powerful way to provide words as refuge when you are speaking to someone
who's grieving.
This is what your words can offer, a moment of relief, a soft place to rest, even if they
are just taking a breath or two.
Number four is a little bit more universal.
And that is words as air, the letter A.
Words like air, words are always available to you, which cannot be said for other forms
of grief support gifts like castor rolls or flowers or gift baskets or gift cards.
Words transcend, they go above financial or cultural or logistical barriers, things that
stop you from offering support.
And they are also free and portable, whether you are supporting someone in person like at
your workplace or across hundreds of thousands of miles.
You could send a message or you could leave a voicemail or you could just say a sentence
or a phrase to someone in passing.
These small little offerings of language are one of the most accessible ways for you to
show up for someone in grief.
It costs you almost nothing to use words and it requires almost nothing of your grieving
person to receive them.
It is like the lowest lift ever for both of you with the biggest impact.
And like breath, words are simple and ever present.
This might look like saying or sending a message like, "I saw this in thought of you."
Or you and your person who died are on my mind today, so like you and your dad are on my
mind today.
Or I imagine this time of year is hard since your loss, insert loss here, I am holding
you in my heart.
Like the air we breathe, words that provide comfort and grief are truly available to
us in every moment, on every medium, at every time of day.
And that is one of the reasons why I love them so freaking much.
Number five is words as bridges.
Be.
Grief changes someone's world in an instant.
We all know that.
And when there's nothing you can physically do to fix their loss or to assuage their broken
heart, it is enormously easy as a supporter to feel helpless in the face of their loss.
And of course I'm here right now.
I write a person's heart, a griever's heart, breaks their neighbor's heart too.
It is hard for us to see someone we care about, suffering in the face of grief.
And I write in another section of, of course, I'm here right now.
Their loved one cannot be brought back to life.
Their spouse cannot uncheat.
Their diagnosis cannot be made to magically disappear.
This crucial, tender season of a griever's life is where words matter most.
And the cool thing about language and words is that they become a bridge between you and
the person who is grieving.
They are a way to stay connected across an experience that you cannot fully share because
you don't know what it's like to be in their shoes all the way.
And it's also an experience you cannot fully solve.
So statements that illustrate words as a bridge could be.
I know I can't fully understand, but I'm here with you through it.
Or right now there's a hell of a lot on your plate and I can see how hard you're trying
to make it through each day.
Or I may not have faced a similar loss, but I care about you and your feelings make sense
to me.
Through words and phrases like this, your griever can bring you as if across a bridge,
their anger, their heartbreak, their confusion, and trust that you will meet them there.
It is as if you are creating an invisible highway of care between the two of you and your
bridge to your grieving friend is strengthened each and every time you enter into any sort
of conversation with them.
And having that kind of strengthening happening at a time when their world is crumbling is so
incredibly powerful.
The last one, and this one is more future oriented, is words as lamp posts.
L. Long, long, long, after the initial wave of outreach after a loss, words stick around.
Words linger in long-term memory.
They echo or reappear to grievers in quiet moments in their dark nights of the soul.
Words become something that your grieving friend returns to again and again.
And of course I'm here right now and I'm talking about the scrabble structure.
Why words are so important, I write.
Many grievers report feeling cared for in the immediate aftermath of a loss when they're
swimming in casseroles and peacefully plants.
But grievers also report a steep drop-off in that feeling of care when those initial gestures
aren't followed up by words.
The supporters whom grievers most often remember and choose to nurture lasting relationships
with are the ones who offer kind words and check-ins, both in the short and long term of the
timeline of their losses.
So these kind words that follow the casseroles and the peacefully plants might look like,
it's okay that this loss has changed your life.
That would echo with me if someone ever said that after my mom died.
I wish they had.
Another one I wish someone would have said because it would have stuck in my mind, this is
your grief and you can do it your way, a permission granting statement about how grief is going
to go.
Or maybe I don't expect you to be okay or normal.
What happened was not okay or normal.
What a validating thing to sort of adhere to a grieving person's brain so that they can
recall it again and again.
A sentence that you say today to someone who is grieving might become something your
griever carries with them months or even years from now.
This could be to them a small light in the dark or a steady presence in isolation, a reminder
of compassion that didn't disappear when everything about their life changed.
That is what it means to have words as lamp posts as guiding lights and grief.
I said it once, I said it many times, I'm going to keep saying it again.
Words are your best, most powerful grief support tool.
It is not because they fix shit.
It is because they do something even more important.
They create connection and safety and a sense of belonging in the awfulness of life after
loss.
Regardless of if you're a griever or a supporter of someone who's grieving, if you have
ever held back because you were afraid of saying the wrong thing or you were worried about
getting in too deep with a grieving friend, consider this your invitation to try anyway.
Your words do not need to be perfect.
They just need to be compassionate and validating and honest.
Steel these scripts, I just gave you 18 of them in this episode based on the Scrabble
Structure 3 for everyone of the six.
And if you would like to read even more about the Scrabble Structure, I go into way more
detail and of course I'm here right now about the six roles of words and grief and deep dive
into the Scrabble Structure.
You can order of course I'm here right now where I will walk you through it step by step.
You will learn language and how to use words in a way that truly supports all the people
in your life you care about whether these are friends, family, co-workers, neighbors or
clients that you are supporting, especially if you are a grief professional or someone who
faces the public every single day.
I have heard from people who are hairstylist and massage therapists and hotel check in people
and florists like me.
And so, so many other service professions were like I interacted with the public and I encounter
grief stories more often than I care to admit and I really want to know what to say.
Of course I'm here right now is the definitive guidebook for what to say, what words to use
when anyone in your life, anyone in your orbit is grieving.
The phrases and the scripts inside of it are designed for all types of losses and all time
frames sense the loss.
So regardless of whether you're supporting a grieving friend after the death of a parent,
a co-worker navigating a new diagnosis, a family member going through divorce, a stranger
who sits in the back of the lift that you are driving for work.
It is a framework that will be useful to you.
And you can find and pre-order of course I'm here right now wherever you buy books.
It comes out on March 31, 2026 so if you are listening to this after the fact congratulations
go get it, it is available anywhere in the world where books are sold.
I hope it empowers you to feel confident in using words to comfort someone in your midst
who is grieving.
That's all for this episode of Grief Grower.
Thank you so very much for joining me today.
If you're looking for Grief Support beyond the show, you can find free workshops, blog
articles and might know what's your Grief Support or Strength quiz at shelbyforsethea.com/links.
And if you'd like to get support from me for your unique loss experience, join us anytime
in life after loss academy, my online course in community.
As a student, I'll walk you through my five step grief framework GRIIF for rebuilding
after loss and you can get live coaching for me every single week to answer your questions.
Replace of those sessions are always available if you can to 10 live and it's just $33 a month
to join or $22 a month if you're marginalized or financially stressed griever.
You can cancel your membership at any time.
If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational or otherwise helpful to you, please
subscribe and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
And be sure to share a Grief Grower with a friend because you never know what someone
you love is going through.
Grief Grower is hosted by me Shelby Forsethea and the theme music is composed by our own
Addy Goldstein.
Until next time, I see you, Grief Grower.
I am so proud of you in the work that you're doing in the world.
And I love you.
even through grief, we are growing.
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