I'm sorry for your loss or I'm so sorry for your loss.
You've heard it before.
You've probably said it.
I have also said it.
And I want to be clear, I'm sorry for your loss
is not in and of itself a bad thing
to say when someone is grieving, but and it's not enough.
And this episode is not about shaming anybody.
This podcast is about telling the truth
that so many grievers wish someone would say out louds
that after a loss of grieving people need more
than a single sentence of politeness pointed in their direction.
Hi there, grief growers.
And welcome back to Grief Grower.
I am so delighted to be here with you today.
As always, if you have been growing alongside me
and my work for a while, welcome back.
And if you are new to me and my work, hello.
My name is Shelby for Cynthia.
I am a Grief Coach, two times soon to be three time
author.
We'll talk about that in a second.
And the founder of Life After Loss Academy.
And I have had the honor of helping thousands
of grieving people stop feeling lost,
stuck, heartbroken, and overwhelmed,
and start building lives that they genuinely love
from the lives that loss has forced them to live.
And when I say loss, I do not only mean death related losses.
I also mean losses like divorce and breakup,
major diagnosis, whether that's health or mental health,
and any other loss that changes your life.
Here on Grief Grower, we believe that grief is not something
to get over.
It is something that we grow with and alongside.
And that when we as people as a society
stop treating grief less like a problem to be solved
or something that's wrong with you,
and more like an invitation to live more deeply.
We create meaningful lives that are rich with the memories
that we carry from loved ones who have died,
or from relationships we've been in,
the struggles that we face, the things we've seen in
Ben Thrue, and the precious awareness of what it is
to be right here and right now.
And today on the show, I am so thrilled to be continuing
our supporting someone series.
This started in August of 2025.
This is a very slow burn lead up to the release
of my third book, which is called, of course,
I'm here right now.
And this is a book that literally is a pocket guide book.
It is so short and impactful.
That is three actually helpful phrases to say
to someone grieving.
This is not about actions that you take to support
someone grieving.
This is not about ways you can improve it to our policy.
It worked to support someone grieving.
This is literally the guide book for someone I love
is an estate of distress, suffering or pain.
And I do not know what to say.
This book is our, the words to say.
And today on the show, I want to talk about the common phrase,
I'm sorry for your loss.
This is something that some grievers appreciate.
Some grievers do not.
For many, many reasons.
And I think one of the things that has echoed the most
strongly for me across the grief groups that I lead,
things I see from grievers on social media
across the internet.
And things I talk about with the grieving people
in my real life is that like, sorry for your loss is fine,
but it isn't enough.
And so I want to talk about why I'm sorry for your loss
isn't enough.
And what you might like to say or might be more appropriate
to say to a graving person in your life instead.
Because for those of us who have experienced a devastating
loss, whether again, that is death, divorce, diagnosis,
or some other life altering transition,
the silence that we often feel from friends and family
that follows the loss can be overwhelming.
But something that's equally disorienting
is what does get said.
The phrases that do get said.
And one of them, a huge one, is this phrase,
I'm sorry for your loss or I'm so sorry for your loss.
You've heard it before.
You've probably said it.
I have also said it.
And I want to be clear at the very, very top of the show here,
I'm sorry for your loss is not in and of itself a bad thing
to say when someone is grieving or their life has been
upended in some major way.
But and it is also in the minds and perspectives
of so many grievers and we're going to get into why it's not
enough when someone in your midst is grieving.
And this episode is not about shaming anybody
for trying to be kind or courteous or kind of follow
the societal script or rules when someone is mourning
in our midst.
This podcast is about telling the truth
that so many grievers wish someone would say out loud.
So hello, microphone for grieving people right here.
That after a loss of grieving people need more than a single
sentence of politeness pointed in their direction.
Grieving people need and want ongoing connection.
They need words that go beyond those that are printed
in a hallmark sympathy card.
And sometimes the phrases that we've been taught to say
by society, the media, like I'm sorry for your loss,
they become so overused or so automatic.
They're just like a default reaction that they stop
landing the way that we as the people who are trying
to offer support and make our friends and family feel better.
Think that they will.
And so for the whole episode today, I want to talk about why.
Why does the phrase, I'm sorry for your loss feel like not enough
to grieving people and offer you some alternatives
to what to say instead.
So so many of us default to, I'm sorry for your loss
because of societal norm, societal script, societal expectations.
We learn to perform or demonstrate sympathy
after a loss oftentimes.
The same way that we learn to write a thank you note
or complete a job interview through scripts.
There's kind of a way this normally goes.
And if a then be, if someone experiences a loss,
we say, I'm sorry for your loss.
And that is a way that we show that we care.
And when someone that we care about is grief,
that is what we do.
And it shows up in condolence cards, in workplace emails,
I referenced HR at the top of the show.
Text messages between people, between friends,
the group chat, in funeral services,
and in that handshaking line that a lot of people stand in
after they've lost somebody to death.
And in moments where words fail
and we feel a pressure to say something, anything.
I'm sorry for your loss is kind of like the thing
that feels in that space.
And I'm sorry for your loss is simple, it's short, it's polite.
And for a lot of people, it feels like a very, very safe phrase
to say because it's non-religious.
And in a lot of ways, saying, expressing,
I'm so sorry for your loss, feels true.
And I'll kind of get at why?
Because a lot of people,
comfortors, supporters of grievers, helping professionals,
they say, I'm sorry for your loss should be fine enough
because the etymological origins of the word sorry
literally mean distressed or full of suffering.
So it makes sense then that in using this phrase
or directing it at someone who is grieving,
you are trying to relay your own heartbreak
to the grieving person, a friend, family coworker,
or a stranger who is suffering
because taken very literally, I'm so sorry for your loss
equals I'm full of sorrow for your loss,
my heart breaks with yours.
And so we'll get to this in a second,
but the sense that a lot of comfortors have
is this is a helpful phrase.
It's a helpful thing to say.
The statement, I'm sorry for your loss,
my heart breaks with yours is meaningful
and with a certain tone can be touching.
But I think that one of the problems with this phrase
is that it has become so common and so commercialized
and capitalized and corporatized
that when it's said all by itself with no follow-up
or with no additional padding or context around it,
it fails in and of itself to provide real comfort
or compassion, it cannot really stand on its own.
And the saddest part about this is I'm sorry for your loss
is a lot of times all that any comfortor or supporter,
all that we were ever taught or all that we know to say.
And I really wanna be gentle and like tender
and compassionate here because I am a griever,
I am also a supporter of griebers.
And I wanna recognize that everyone who says
I'm sorry for your loss usually has very good intentions.
This is where we get to talking about intentions
of comforting someone who's grieving the goal
is to make someone feel seen or heard or to feel better
or to recognize that they are not alone in this.
And the thing I want to kind of get into your earholes,
especially if you are supporting someone grieving
in this season is that the issue is not the intention
behind the phrase, I'm sorry for your loss.
It is a hundred percent how it is landing for your griever.
This is a concept called intention versus impact.
And if you'd like more on this,
there's a wonderful short, short video on social media.
I found a version on YouTube.
You can also find it on TikTok and Instagram
from their P.J.F called intention versus impact.
If you have ever been on the receiving end
of dozens or even hundreds of condolences
that all revolve around the phrase,
I'm sorry for your loss, you will understand this
because after a while this one singular phrase,
I'm sorry for your loss, my condolences,
I'm so so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry that they died or what have you.
It starts to feel like it's just the sea
that you're swimming in.
It feels like a phrase that people say
when they want to just check the box of,
"Yep, I said something, I reached out
and then returned to their normal lives."
So for many grieving people, I'm sorry for your loss,
feels like this bland obligatory statement.
For other grievers, it feels like the end of a conversation.
I'm sorry for your loss period.
A period on the end of a sentence
when a much deeper exchange about the loss
or about how they're feeling
or about how they're doing could have happened.
And I'll give you an example from my own life
to see if this resonates with you.
When my best friend died from COVID in 2022,
I was inundated with a barrage of sympathy messages,
both online and in person.
And receiving, "I'm so sorry for your loss,"
or "I'm sorry for your loss,"
over and over and over again, it genuinely felt,
I was mad.
It felt like the very least that people could do
because my best friend Tammy was a vibrant activist
and a close neighbor.
She lived four blocks away from me
and a decade-long friend.
We had a very rich history together.
She wasn't just my loss.
I'm sorry for your loss.
She was a crucial part of my world
that was no longer here on earth.
And sorry for your loss did not feel like nearly enough
of a response to her death.
I knew logically in my brain
that people had good intentions.
I've been a grief educator since 2016.
I wanted the people in my life to recognize in words
the enormity of what and who I had lost
and validate how life-changing this season,
especially because her death was unexpected, was for me.
And another post that I saw on the subreddit,
"Greef Support Red."
People who text me and say, quote,
"I'm sorry for your loss or pissing me off."
My grandpa died August 4, 2024.
We buried him and I fell gravely ill after his funeral.
I don't even know how to process anything.
We lost him and my mind thinks he's still here.
I spent the last year getting closer, which was great.
Now I'm left with so much anger.
I want to scream at every person texting me
that they are sorry for my loss.
They are not.
I left them all in unread since the funeral.
They have not reached back out.
I am just so mad at everyone pretending to care.
And like this person who posted on Reddit,
many grieving people expressed receiving loads
and loads of condolences messages immediately after loss
with no meaningful follow-up afterwards.
This leaves them feeling abandoned at a critical time
with, sorry for your loss,
acting like the language nail in the coffin of the relationship.
Those are gonna be your final words to each other.
And then you just like never reach out
with regard to the relationship
or ask about their grief ever again.
Like, like what is that?
What is that?
And that is so often what happens
after an outrage of sorry for your loss occurs.
Other grieving people will say things like,
after my divorce, it felt like everyone was reading
from the same script.
I wanted someone to look at me and say,
something that felt real, something besides,
I'm sorry for your loss.
Still other grieving people recognize phrases
like, I'm sorry for your loss or polite,
but still fail to acknowledge or ask how they,
the grieving person are doing.
Sorry for your loss.
No check-in on how they are, how their heart's doing,
how are the kids, how's the family, how are you holding up?
No status report or no further questioning
of like how are you getting through this.
And then sometimes, especially for younger gravers,
the phrase, sorry for your loss is confusing
because it can imply fault or apology.
Another post I saw on grief support Reddit simply said,
what do you have to be sorry about?
Did you kill the person who died?
I feel like people just say sorry for your loss
because they're sorry that they only have a generic response
to say to the person who is struggling
during a hard time.
And to me, that's kind of, it's very remarkably funny.
Grievous are very funny people.
But yes, especially for gravers who are young
or potentially neurodivergent
and take things very literally, to say,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
It's like it wasn't your fault.
It can come off as an apology or an admission of blame,
but unless you are responsible for the death
of a person who died and the person who was grieving
is grieving a death, for a lot of people
that doesn't compute.
And what all of this adds up to is saying,
I'm sorry for your loss often avoids the very things
that gravers long for the most, things like connection,
things like shared memory, things like witnessing
or presence or emotional validation
and continued relationship.
And it doesn't mean, once again,
this phrase is not bad.
It is not inherently malicious,
but it does mean that we can do better
as people who are supporting grieving people in our midst.
So now's the part of the episode
where we get you what to say, instead of,
I'm sorry for your loss.
In my new book, of course, I'm here right now.
I share three powerful phrases that go deeper
than I'm sorry for your loss.
These are phrases that open doors instead of closing them
because grief is not something that can be wrapped up
in a single sentence.
It is something that needs to be met again
and again with curiosity, care and presence.
And these are just a few tips from,
of course, I'm here right now kind of sprinkled in
with other things that I asked my community
and the grievers in my midst to provide for me
as like, what would you rather people say?
As opposed to, I'm sorry for your loss.
And the number one answer, ding-ding-ding,
is say they're loved one's name
or mention their specific loss
because there's something really special
about hearing your person's name after they die.
It is a reminder that they existed,
that they mattered, that people still remember them.
And so instead of saying sorry for your loss,
you might try, I've been thinking so much about to recently.
I still remember the story you told me
about her trying to grow carrots
and feeding a family of bunnies instead.
(laughs)
David made such an impact on me.
I'm holding his memory and his lessons about golf close.
Or if you didn't know the person who died,
I didn't know your aunt,
but it sounds like she was really significant in your life
and I know that you miss her.
And if the loss that you're talking about
is non-death related, you can still mention
their specific type of loss and validate
that this is what they're going through.
So to say, I'm sorry that divorces your reality right now,
it doesn't seem fair.
Or as I said to a friend very recently,
living in a human body is hard.
I can see how much this new diagnosis is changing your life.
Or I can see how hard you're trying to settle
into your new day-to-day routine.
Losing a job is no joke.
And just really honoring and validating
the circumstances that they are in.
And you don't have to say, again, the perfect thing,
we're not aiming for perfection here.
We're aiming for something that's personal.
And here's a pro tip for me to you
as a grief coach and someone who has supported
grievers for many years.
If you're thinking it internally,
wow, that must be really hard.
She's got three kids at home.
She lives by herself.
Or he just lost a job last year.
Or his dad was the closest thing to a friend that he had.
You can say things like that without the judgment.
You can say, "I know you've got three kids at home.
I imagine this is really hard for you."
Or, "I know your dad was the closest thing you had
to a best friend.
I can sense how much this hurts her.
I can see how life-changing this is for you."
If that is information you know
and you're already thinking it in your head,
it's okay to say out loud.
It's not something that is judgy or too invasive.
It is you recognizing either the depth of their relationship
or their reality of their circumstances.
And that is a way of connecting much more deeply
than simply, "I'm sorry for your loss."
There's a wonderful author and professor
and podcaster named Kate Boller.
She wrote a book called "Everything Happens for a Reason
and Other Lies I've Loved."
And then she wrote a book recently called "No Care
for Being Human," both of which I have read.
And she recently posted on threads like this week.
She said, "Everything Happens for a Reason is Out."
Wow, that's a lot is in.
So instead of telling people who are going through hard things,
everything happens for a reason.
Or, "I'm so sorry for your loss,"
and she's trying to say, "Wow, that's a lot."
Because that has a lot more validating and comforting
to people, being acknowledged and witnessed in that way,
then, "Ah, sorry for your loss."
The number two thing you can do instead of saying,
"Sorry for your loss" is speaking to the reality
of their pain and we touched on this a bit in number one.
And I want to really drive home here
that you do not have to understand someone's grief
to acknowledge that it is painful.
So instead of some sort of generic condolence,
I'm sorry for your loss, you can say something like,
"This must be so heavy for you right now."
Or, "I can imagine this has changed everything
about how you move through the world."
Or, "I'm struggling to find the words for this.
I bet you are too, but I can see how much you're carrying.
I have not forgotten your person.
I have not forgotten the fact that you are grieving."
And these kinds of statements signal,
kind of like a little flag in the air,
that you are not just trying to get through the conversation
with them so you can get back to normal.
You are trying to be in it with them.
You are taking two seconds out of your day
to recognize they're going through something really hard
while they also have to exist and be human
just like the rest of us.
They go beyond just acknowledging the loss
and do the work of acknowledging your griver,
the person who is experiencing and living
in the aftermath of the loss.
And then number three, alternatives to,
"I'm sorry for your loss."
Have a statement that makes it clear
that you're gonna keep checking in beyond
this present moment because, as we've said on this show
before, grief doesn't end after the funeral
or after the divorce is finalized
or after the initial moment when someone tells you
that they're going through something hard.
And for many grieving people,
the loneliest part of life after loss
comes in the weeks and the months and the years
after the castorals stop coming
and people stop checking in.
And this one single phrase, "I'm here for you now
and into the future," can be so incredibly comforting
for grieving people or you could say variations of this.
For instance, "I'll keep checking in with you
"each Thursday but you don't need to respond."
Like send a text every Thursday or send an email
each Thursday or sell this article and thought of you.
Every Thursday, "No need to respond."
I'd still like to get coffee once a month
if that works for you.
We can do the location by your house if that's easier.
Just offer and keep offering.
Or let's book a weekend around your mom's death anniversary
if that feels good.
Let them say, "Yeah, that feels good."
No, it doesn't.
Let's do a different weekend.
Just placing offers at their feet
or consistently checking in even if they don't respond
especially at first because a lot of people are tied up
in the Sad Men, the Sad Administration,
paperwork of life after loss.
And if you want to, this is kind of the asterisk
at the end of these three alternatives,
if you want to or if you must say, "I'm sorry,"
if this is part of your, again, I'm referencing HR
a lot in this podcast, but if I'm sorry for your loss
as part of your script, let it be a doorway
to something else, not a period on the end of a sentence.
So you can say, "I'm so sorry, can I bring you dinner tomorrow?"
Or if you're speaking on behalf of a company,
you can say something like, "We're so sorry for your loss."
Here's a week's worth of dinner
on behalf of a company and send them a gift card
that they can use at their own time, at their own pace.
You can say, "I'm sorry for your loss.
I'd love to hear your favorite story about your uncle."
Or I can tell you one of mine.
Or you can say, "I'm so sorry that this happened.
How is your heart today?"
And transfer immediately from acknowledging the loss
to checking in on the person who's grieving.
Ultimately, the goal of these phrases
is to let your words be an invitation
to keep talking, to keep sharing,
to continue to stay connected.
It is not a closing of the door in a single sentence.
It is a continuation of a relationship that already exists.
And the thing I'm gonna leave you with
before we sign off today is your words matter.
So, so much after loss.
That is the whole reason that I wrote this book,
of course, I'm here right now because words can take us out
at the knees or they can make us feel like
we are not the only ones in the world who are suffering
in the way that we are, or even if we are
that we are not alone in seeing and witnessing
our suffering.
And when someone that we love is grieving,
their entire world is destabilized.
The foundation has fallen out from underneath their feet
and a lot of times, very understandably,
they are clinging to whatever human connection they have
or that they can find.
And the words that you offer, however small, however short,
however frequent, can either reinforce this sense
of "I'm alone in the world or I'm alone in my grief,"
or keep the door open to your presence and care.
Supporting somebody who's grieving is not about scripts
or formulas, x plus b equals y or whatever the case may be.
It is about your relationship to the person who is grieving
and words are one of the best free might I add,
ways to maintain and strengthen a relationship
where one or more participants in the relationship
is going through grief.
You do not have to get it exactly right.
You can even say, I know I'm not going to get this right,
but, and then insert phrase here.
But you do have to show up with some flavor
of sincerity and interest and care and compassion.
So when you say something like, I'm sorry for your loss,
it's not the worst thing in the world.
But what grieving people truly long for,
what they've told me, what they've posted on the internet,
what they're telling other grievers in their lives
with their sharing in grief support circles,
is that they long for something deeper than that.
They want to be talked to like real people,
and they want to be reminded that their pain is seen
or that their person is remembered
or that their grief is welcome, their emotions are welcome
within the context of your pre-existing relationship.
So as a society, I propose we stop treating,
I'm sorry for your loss, like it's the end of a conversation
and start treating it like it's the beginning.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry that happened, what's next?
Where are we going from here?
I'm gonna keep showing up for you this way,
or tell me a story about this or I'll tell a story
about this or I can validate how hard this is
for you, all of those things are next steps
that come as the after to I'm so sorry for your loss.
And if you want more tips and scripts
to support somebody who is grieving,
this podcast, as I mentioned at the beginning of the show,
is part of a series called supporting someone
who is grieving in your life without overthinking it,
without freezing up, without defaulting
to cliche sympathy card hallmark phrases.
And if this episode was helpful to you,
I really encourage you to pre-order my book,
of course I'm here right now.
It comes out in March of next year,
and in this book you will get real world compassionate guidance
in a pocket guide style, it is so short for a book,
on what to say when someone you care about is grieving.
And it is a guide from a grief coach
with the words of grievers embedded in its pages
that has easy scripts and tips and tools
for comforting a grieving person,
so that you stop feeling afraid of saying the wrong thing,
and instead enter every single conversation in your life
with language that relays your presence and support
and care, whether you are a long time deep friend
of a griever or a recent acquaintance
or a person in a helping profession.
And I would so appreciate you pre-ordering this book,
it helps me as an author, and of course,
after you've read it, it will help so many grieving people
in your midst.
And I will say as a little PS on top of this,
if you are a grieving person,
and you are not supported by people in your life right now,
this book is also written in such a way
that you can be your own comforter,
the scripts, the tools, the exercises,
everything included in here can also be framed
in such a way that you are comforting yourself
as you navigate life after any sort of devastating loss,
death, divorce diagnosis, and so much more.
And you can find a link to pre-order,
of course, I'm here right now, in the show notes.
(gentle music)
That's all for this episode of Grave Grower.
Thank you so very much for joining me today.
If you're looking for Grave's support beyond the show,
you can find free workshops, blog articles,
and my signature, what's your Grave support style quiz
at shallbeforcithia.com/links.
And if you'd like to get support from me
for your unique loss experience,
you can join us at any time in life after loss academy,
my online course in community.
As a student, I'll walk you through my five step
Grave framework for rebuilding after loss,
and you can get live coaching from me
every single week to answer your questions.
Replays are always available
if you can't attend life.
It is just $33 a month to join,
or $22 a month if you're marginalized
or financially stressed, Graveur,
no questions asked, and you can cancel at any time.
If this podcast felt validating, comforting,
educational, or otherwise helpful to you,
please subscribe and leave a review on Apple podcasts
or Spotify, and be sure to share this show with a friend,
because you never know what someone you love
is going through.
Grave Growers hosted by me shallbeforcithia
and the theme music is composed by Addie Goldstein.
Until next time, Grave Growers, I see you.
I am so incredibly proud of the work
that you're doing in the world, and I love you.
Because even through Grave, we are growing.
[Music]