While my reputation may proceed me, like Taylor Swift, I harbor no illusions about the
nature of my desires.
I neither want nor like the company of children.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, see?
All right.
Preferring the companionship of my loyal pack of spotted dogs, creatures as wild and untamed
as the swamp itself.
All right.
I mean, okay, so I'm coming around.
It's got dogs.
Okay.
Pack of spotted dogs.
Yeah.
Hello, Caitlyn.
Hi, Cassie.
Hello, creepy people.
I don't know what's happening.
I don't know.
I don't like it.
Sometimes I say hello and then I just like, I want to try to pretend that it's normal
and it's not.
Yeah, pretending to be normal is just not something that I feel like it's going to work
for you.
It's masking.
Yeah.
Well, hi, creepy people.
Hello.
If you're new to our creepy corner of the world, this is PNW Hansen Homicides, where we
chat about true crime, the paranormal and all things creepy.
Sometimes really fun in the Pacific Northwest.
Not always creepy, y'all.
That's true.
Mostly it's creepy.
Mostly fun.
We like to have fun as well.
It's Valentine's Day when this comes out.
Yeah.
I'm like, it's not Valentine's Day, but we're celebrating with each other.
We got wine.
We got a cute little altar.
And you know what we do that is probably the arguably the most celebratory thing.
We also do a tarot reading in every episode.
We do.
All right.
We'll be doing one today as well.
Excellent.
We got my cute ghost tarot deck.
Okay.
Well, do y'all remember last year's Valentine's episode?
Yeah.
What was it?
I don't remember.
Yes, you do.
How dare you?
Cryptid dating game.
I loved it.
Are we doing it again this year?
I don't know.
Are we?
I don't know.
Let's find out.
We have a bag over here of what looks like gifts that somebody dropped off.
We don't know who.
We are getting so many gifties today.
We are.
So we're going to start with a gift.
And then we're doing something a little different this year.
Okay.
And I'll tell you about it when we get there.
But I'm going to start with the gift and it has clues on to who this special cryptid mans
is.
Okay.
Caitlyn has a gift and also they brought me a gift too for being the host.
Oh.
Okay.
So you open your gift.
Okay.
This is from Bachelor number one.
Mysterious.
Okay.
We're going to call him blue.
Blue.
Okay.
It's a blue sucker, which blue sucker.
He I can't blame him.
He hasn't gotten to know me yet.
But blue would be the last color of a sucker that I would ever choose because I have a
weird thing about how it turns my mouth blue.
Oh.
Well, fun fact.
That is a sucker that is supposed to dye your tongue.
It says don't worry.
Be happy.
It does.
And that kind of just represents the color but everything is kind of a clue on to their
personality.
So take that into consideration while you're judging.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
I know I didn't do the whole host thing this year like welcome to the cryptid dating show.
Yeah.
You know what?
I'm out.
Go to the last year's episode to get that.
We're casual this year.
We cash.
Oh my goodness.
Okay.
What is going on here?
Oh, there's a little paddle game.
It says it's rough.
Rough, rough, rough.
Without you.
No.
That is so cute.
The little paddle ball games.
But you know, I think they're supposed to like represent like a naughty paddle.
Oh.
I don't know though.
For sure.
You would.
And I've got a cute little blue puppy.
Yeah.
It's like a little weeny dog.
That is so funny because I brought home a bunch of my stuffed animals and toys from when
I was a kid.
And I have a bunch of them that look just like a little dachshund.
Thank you.
Yeah.
The timing is great.
I'm really in a stuffed animal place in my life right now.
Bachelor number one now.
Blue bachelor now.
I guess.
And oh, my Valentine has four paws.
Oh, interesting.
With little posse all over.
It's a wine glass for anyone who can't see.
Yes.
Yep.
So you have a new wine glass.
Look at that.
Okay.
Let me open mine really quick.
Just get it out of the way.
Because I don't know.
I might have gotten a wine glass too.
And I don't know if we want to use these right now.
Oh gosh.
We forgot me.
This gift is so awful.
Oh, look.
It's full of suckers.
My wine glass says, love the wine you're with.
Oh, my God.
I love that.
Because I'm alone.
You're never alone if you have wine.
Okay.
Are you ready to hear about blue bachelor?
I guess.
So what do you think he is like?
Like what's your first impression of him just by the gift?
That he's a dog.
I don't know.
A blue dog.
I don't know if he could be.
I don't know.
Well, let's learn a little bit more about him.
So this year, I researched different cryptids.
They all happen to be from Oregon.
Really?
Yes.
And a couple of them I found in the Weird Oregon book.
I also use the Oregon Ghosts and Monsters by Mike Helm that we used for the Lithia Park
episode.
And I forgot where it was going.
Oh, yeah.
So the chapter in the Weird Oregon book is called Beaver State Beasts.
Interesting.
The theme of this cryptidating in Beaver State Beasts.
He's not a beaver though, right?
Like a blue beaver is probably just a little bit.
I don't know about that.
Well, they're all under the category of Beaver State Beasts.
So I don't think this one is specifically a beaver, but who knows?
Okay.
Let's find out.
So I got all of the research for these guys and I kind of put together bullet points
for their personality.
So they're traits or things about them.
And then I asked the lovely ChatGPT to create dating profiles for each of them.
Oh, boy.
With a little trial and error, a little finagling, a little fix and shed on my part, we have
three full dating profiles for these men.
Oh, boy.
And or women.
We don't know.
So first, blue bachelor, username, waterwanderer1890.
All of these are clues.
Oh, yeah.
I felt like I was picking up on something with that.
And honestly, they're so, they're not really well known.
So I don't think you're going to be able to like guess any of them, but it's just like clues
for you to kind of like figure out who you want to choose at the end.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Location.
Forked Mountain Lake.
I've never even heard of that.
We'll talk about it.
Okay.
So his about me section.
Yeah.
I have to read a lot.
So I apologize.
I'll try to do my best.
Salutations, wanders of the murky depths.
Depths.
Why does it always a TH and S?
I, you know, they're a challenge for all of us.
I can't.
Murky depths.
Depths.
I am a seasoned soul as old as these ancient waters I call home.
My affinity for water runs deep.
I was like, oooo ChatGPT dad joke?
The waters run deep deep.
As does my connection to the earth and all of its mysteries.
My serpentine form glides effortlessly through the cool embrace of the murky depths.
It says depths again.
My skin is adorned with spots that mirror the speckled beauty of the lake's surface.
Okay.
Long spotted horns crown my head.
A testament to my age and the wisdom acquired over the centuries of existence.
With four powerful, hairless legs, I navigate this watery realm with grace and precision.
My sinewy body adorned.
They like the word adorned.
Adorned with various items tied securely, much like your human cargo pants, enabling me
to carry my possessions as I roam the boggy expanse that I call home.
Okay.
Well, so ChatGPT hasn't really caught on to the fact that most women are like not
super into the cargo pants, but well, I added that.
Because he has several adorned with various items tied to his body.
I feel like he might need some cargo pants.
Yeah.
I mean, honestly, he sounds like he could use a vany pack as well.
I cannot, I just cannot get over like the sheer weirdness.
Yeah.
Like the vibe is very, it's because I'm biting my lip because that's something I always
do when I'm just like really uncomfortable.
I'm like the four hairless legs.
No, puppies have hairy legs.
My Valentine has four paws or legs.
Beneath the surface of my mysterious exterior lies a heart that beats with a primal passion
for drowning in brutality.
Traits that may seem daunting to some, but are simply a reflection of my deep connection
to the untamed wilderness that surrounds me.
Okay.
Well, I mean, that just sounds like they all have their faults.
Yeah, they're cryptids.
Sure.
Gotta pick the best of the worst.
Okay.
I find solace in the tranquility of water where the chaos of the world above fades away,
leaving only the rhythmic ebb and flow of the currents to guide me.
Okay.
I can relate to that.
Yeah.
See, yeah.
Relatable.
Well, my reputation may precede me like Taylor Swift.
I harbor no illusions about the nature of my desires.
I neither want nor like the company of children.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
See?
All right.
Preferring the companionship of my loyal pack of spotted dogs, creatures as wild and untamed
as the swamp itself.
All right.
I mean, okay.
So I'm coming around.
Got dogs.
Pack of spotted dogs.
Yeah.
I think on that little guy's ears has like little heart spots on the head.
He's a little tight spot.
So, yeah.
That'll be an interesting tidbit for later about these gifts.
Okay.
What I'm looking for.
Okay.
I seek a companion who shares my love of the depths.
Fucking goddammit ChatGPT
I'm a human.
Just say the deep of the deep of the deep.
I seek a companion who shares my love of the deeps and understands the darkness that
lies within.
Oh, oh boy.
Oh boy.
Yeah.
That was you stole my thought.
Someone who is unafraid to embrace the brutality of nature and revel in the untamed beauty
of the bog.
A lot about untamed beauty here.
Yeah.
While I may be ancient and inigmatic, I am not without desire and I long for a connection
that transcends the boundaries of time and space.
Oh.
If you're brave enough to navigate these treacherous waters of my world and embrace the wilderness
that lies within, then join me on a journey of discovery unlike any other.
Together, we will explore the hidden depths of the bog in unearthed its darkest secrets,
orging a bond that will withstand the test of time.
Okay.
I'm not really sure I'm ready for that.
Like, he's ready for a commitment.
Like, okay.
That feels like a lot.
Um, I think they all are, to be honest.
They're all like all in great.
Um, I don't know how this all plays into my current engagement.
Like I'm kind of tied up with that.
Maybe I can take a number and.
Yeah.
These are for, these are for after the wedding.
If you, if you change your mind, they'll be waiting in the wings.
Oh, no.
No, we know Caitlyn is taken.
She's not single.
This is just for fun.
Maybe I should do this one day, go to the cryptid dating game.
Maybe next year, I'll just do it for myself and I won't even be here.
Okay.
Are you ready to move on to the next Bachelor?
I think so.
Okay.
We're going to go yellow, Bachelor.
Yellow.
Spatchler number yellow.
I have a yellow sucker.
You've got to read the Valentine attached.
You're the bees, Nez.
Oh.
Oh, fresh.
Okay.
Let's see.
The shape that I'm detecting in my hands was making me a little nervous.
Not at all though.
Yeah, it was making me a little nervous.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh.
Yohohoh in a bottle of rum.
Captain Morgan, interesting.
Spiced rum.
Wow.
I don't think it's going to pair very well with this rosé, but we will find, we'll find a home
for you, sir.
Oh, yeah.
Get in my belly.
I think that needs to go in the altar.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, another paddle.
Another paddle, but this one says caution shark zone.
Oh, what's that mean?
I, that's exactly.
Yeah, that would be my very first all-a-love question.
Okay.
Captain Morgan and shark zone.
Hmm, who's this guy?
Oh, a year of date night idea.
Wow.
He's very confident.
I mean, that's pretty presumptuous.
Yeah.
If I may say so myself, I feel like if you turn it to the backside of the jar, you can see
that beach day.
Beach day.
Is one of them.
Yeah, they all have different, cute dates on them.
I feel like he was wanting to maybe get you one of the different sex positions every night,
but he just, he felt like that might be inappropriate.
So we settled for this jar of.
Yeah, fun dates.
Good call.
That would be a bit over the top.
Okay.
Do you want to hear about yellow badge?
You know I do.
User name.
Moonlitmystery69.
Okay.
Location.
Melrose.
Hmm.
About me.
Howdy, Denizens of the Night.
I am the shadow that haunts the streets of Melrose.
A creature of darkness with a penchant for the macabre.
Macabre.
Yeah.
Macabre.
It just has all those extra letters that get confused.
Macabre.
With each soft padded football, I weave through the Moonlit streets.
My stubby clawed be emitting an eerily gentle, pitter-patter that echoes through the silence
of the night.
Okay.
Well, I like a man who gets a pedicure.
So, hey, I mean, he'd have silent footballs.
So his little clickity clocks aren't that loud.
And that's what it is.
But they're like, they're probably shaped because they're not clickity-clack.
And you know, okay.
I assume he says that they're silent footballs.
Okay.
But I have a little pitter-patter.
I think of like a duck.
Yeah.
Oh, which is yellow in cartoons.
Oh, it is.
Is he a duck?
I don't know.
Standing at a modest three to four feet tall, although I don't have the best posture, I
make up for it by being completely bald from head to toe.
Okay.
Someone gets a wax.
Er, something.
My long slender arms boast six fingered hands.
No.
Perfect for exploring the mysteries of the night.
Oh, God.
I embrace my uniqueness with pride.
I am so happy for you, but I have to ask you to leave.
We're not done yet.
Okay.
I am unafraid and ever curious, studying the world around me through bulging, glowing red
eyes that mirror the captivating allure of the full moon.
He's a full moon guy.
We like those.
Yeah.
I find solace and fascination in its celestial presence.
There's nothing quite like basking in its radiant light, soaking in its mystique as it illuminates
the world below.
Okay.
In the quiet hours of the night, you'll often find me indulging in my guilty pleasure, savoring
a fine bottle of Captain Morgan Rum.
Oh, okay.
I feel like that explains a lot.
Yeah.
He's a fan.
Okay.
There's something about its rich, smooth flavor that tantalizes my senses and adds a dash
of adventure to my nocturnal escapades.
Oh.
Well, yeah.
I bet you're not the only one that feels that way.
I am a creature of the night shrouded in mystery and steeped in the unknown.
Oh, boy.
What I'm looking for.
I seek a companion who shares my love of the darkness and isn't afraid to embrace the
unknown.
Okay.
So I think this is, you know, clearly the bachelor for you.
Yeah, maybe.
You should have given you a blindfold.
I feel like the unknown darkness.
Yeah.
I'm sure someone who can appreciate the eerie beauty of the night and isn't deterred
by the whispers of the shadows.
Okay.
Well, I whisper me.
So deterred well before I ever heard that.
Like, there's so much deterrent.
Whether it's engaging in deep conversations under the moonlit sky or embarking on spontaneous
adventures through the darkened streets of Melrose, I crave a connection that transcends
the ordinary.
While I may be a creature of the night, my desires are simple to find solace in the company
of another who understands the darkness that lies within.
I feel like the last guy said that too.
If you're intrigued by the whispers of the night and unafraid to dance in the moonlight,
then let's embark on a journey of discovery together with his fingers.
No.
It's too many.
Who knows what secrets we might uncover in the shadows?
I...
Yeah, I think I'm out.
That's a no for me, dog.
I don't know.
Yellow.
Obviously, she's not going to pick you.
I'll hit you up after this.
Okay.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm dead.
This is so fun.
I feel like these bachelors maybe went through the same writing service.
I...
Yeah.
Kind of seems like it.
Okay, we're on to Bachelor number red.
All right.
Red batch.
All right.
Ooh.
I do like this.
It's a red sucker and it says, "You're those worthy."
Ooh, yeah, you are.
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's see.
Ear plugs.
Oh, interesting.
What are we doing?
I mean, in this house, are you kidding?
Do you think he snores too?
That he really buzzes like, is he a bug?
I don't know.
Because you know how I feel about that.
I don't know.
I don't know these guys.
I'm meeting him for the first time too.
These are your friends and I think you need to take some accountability here.
I'm not responsible for any of these men.
Oh, another paddle.
It says, "Sweet."
Oh, very cute.
Cute.
He must be a sweet guy.
And this says, "Wild about you."
Seventeen animals said, "I love you."
And it's cute little penguins in the shape of a heart weight.
They're little by-by penguins.
So cute.
Oh, it has a little bookmark.
It does.
Oh, don't think I didn't notice.
Oh, pandas.
Oh, my God.
And he even looks.
Oh, my God.
It's not bookmarked to the panda, but that's on the page before the bookmark.
I can't bear to be without you.
Oh, it's so sweet.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm assuming I'm supposed to look at the bookmarked page.
Yes, the bookmarked page, yeah.
One with the actual bookmark on it.
Oh, boy.
All right.
Bananas for you.
Oh, is it a monkey?
He's some sort of a primate.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Okay.
Not a primate expert.
He's a primate.
Well, maybe that says something about Red Batch.
Oh, boy.
You ready to hear about him?
I'm as ready as I'm going to be, I think.
User name, InfiniteFlix8.
Location, Conser lake.
Are you sure these are real places?
We're all well talk about it.
The end.
All right.
So, username - InfiniteFlix8
Greetings, fellow seekers of tranquility.
Oh.
My name is Flix.
A solitary soul haunted by the shadows of the forest and the whispers of the water.
With the heart as sensitive as the depths of the lake, I navigate the world with caution,
ever wary of the dangers that lurk in the darkness.
Yeah.
That sounds about right.
We are women.
We get it.
Yeah.
Like, even, it doesn't even have to be dark.
Like, dusk is still like a hyalur.
Yeah.
Sometimes even daylight.
Yeah.
My paranoia of being hunted echoes through the trees.
A constant reminder of the fragility of life in the wild.
My goodness.
Yeah.
She's deep.
Wow.
I harbor a deep aversion to guns and loud sounds, preferring the tranquility of nature
symphony to the cacophony of mankind.
Oh.
I mean, same.
Maybe that's the earplugs.
I kind of thought maybe or maybe it's something else we'll see.
My cat-like ears twitch at the slightest disturbance attuned to the subtle rhythms of the forest
and the gentle laughing of the waves against the shore.
Are you sure you're not just describing me in my bloodhound?
Maybe you guys are so nice.
No.
Maybe you're meant to be.
All right.
My wide webbed duck-like feet carrying me with ease through the marshy terrain.
You know, it's funny.
Sometimes I'm just know from the start and then sometimes I'm like, okay, okay, okay.
You had me and now you lost me.
He just has wide feet.
It's not his fall.
He just has to buy wider shoes.
Oh, okay.
His wide webbed duck-like feet carry him through the ease of the marshy terrain, leaving
behind a trail of squishing footsteps as I move with the grace of a silent predator propelled
by the innate ability to run at incredible speeds.
Okay.
Well, that's where we part ways because that's not a thing that I do.
Maybe you can carry you though.
Like Edward.
Yeah.
I literally watched Twilight last night while I was doing this.
You would.
Nerd and lame.
No.
I loved it.
Me too.
Obviously.
Though my shaggy white firm may blend seamlessly with the mist that hangs over the lake, my presence
is betrayed by the strong smell of soggy lake monster that clings to me like a shadow.
Yeah, that'll do it.
Maybe the earplugs can go up your nose too.
Yeah.
I mean, I've told you stories and maybe even on this podcast, I can't remember for sure,
but things that I have put in my nose when I was working in a gentle office too.
Lip gloss works really well.
I had glittery lip gloss from Victoria's Secret.
So like, I mean, I've got some, I've got some tactics of your nose.
Yeah, I've put it in my nose.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
Yeah, you might, you might have to use some of those tactics.
Okay.
Despite my imposing nature of seven feet tall and weight of approximately 400 pounds, I am
a gentle soul at heart.
Though my high pitch cry described as, "Fleep, flu, leap, flu, leap."
May startle the uninitiated.
It is merely a means of communication in a world that often fails to understand my telepathic
nature.
I mean, well, yeah, not everybody is telepathic.
Right.
I mean, they could be if they tried.
So maybe, maybe if you put the earplugs in and you don't get to hear the flip-flip
"Fleep," maybe you'll hear him in your head.
I like that.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Could be a thing.
Ooh.
I am a creature of curiosity, yearning for connection and understanding in a universe that
seems vast and indifferent.
Okay.
Can't do whatever.
That's great.
Wow.
Yeah.
What I'm looking for in this vast expanse of stars and shadows, I seek a kinder
spirit, someone who can see beyond the surface and embrace the beauty of the unknown.
I am drawn to those who possess an open mind and a compassionate heart, individuals who
are not quick to judge, but eager to explore the depths of the all of these dudes and the
fucking depths.
Okay.
I'm just deep in their depths.
I'm just listening.
Like, do you think that's deep?
Are you in the depths?
Are you rolling in the deep?
Jesus Christ.
This is why you don't use ChatGPT to write everything you use because it's all the same.
Individuals who are not quick to judge, but eager to explore the depths of existence with
me.
That's a lot.
Well, I may be solitary by nature.
I long for a connection that transcends the boundaries of solitude and offers solace in
the embrace of another.
Oh, I feel like that was a sentence of nonsense.
Yeah.
Nonsense.
I feel like did they take that?
Like, is chat Gpt just spilling out like Nancy Brophy romance novel nonsense or like using
politician like sentences where they just circle back around to the same things?
It's kind of a little bit of a word salad type of a situation.
It's supposed to be like a seductive word salad.
If you are brave enough to venture into the depths of the unknown and curious enough to
unravel the mysteries of the cosmos alongside me, then let us embark on a journey of discovery
together.
Who knows what wonders we may find in the stars?
In the stars.
Oh, also I quite enjoy mint.
I mean same.
Just a random fact.
That's fine.
It's a fact that someone forgot to add into the descriptions and had to add it at the end.
I like a fun fact.
You know?
Okay, let's cheers and then you can go through your options of men.
Okay.
Is it going to be contestant red, yellow or blue?
I read them in the wrong order.
Is it going to be contestant blue, yellow or red?
Which color sucker are you going to be sucking on tonight?
Yeah.
Well, listen, if they could just make all colors, like are all suckers, like with no color residue
for your mouth, that would be ideal.
But until that day, I'd probably do the red one.
And that's not to say that I'm choosing red.
I was like, you can't choose based on the color.
No.
Okay, so it was blue, yellow and then red was the last, right?
Okay.
So here's the deal.
I really liked my present from blue.
Like if it was just based on my favorite gift, it would probably be blue.
Okay.
Although it's a tough one.
Because let's see.
I mean, I do also, I like a gift of alcohol that's always a solid choice.
You know, that's sort of like giving someone cash.
You can't really go wrong with that.
But fun fact, you get to keep all the gifts no matter who you choose.
Right.
Yeah.
So you've got to go based on personality, the gifts were just extra.
No, I know, but I feel like it's telling me a little bit about them.
So, you know, and then obviously a book, because I mean, and this book, are you kidding?
Or an alert?
Oh, well, yeah.
Like you didn't already know.
Okay.
I feel like, I don't know.
Do you want to read me their user names again?
Like I really am torn.
I really, I couldn't tell you exactly what I want to do.
User name for blue was waterwanderer1890.
Yeah.
That's a little too old timey for my taste.
Yellows was MoonlitMystery69.
And I think we all know how I feel about that.
Yeah, he was a dark mysterious one.
Yeah.
And Reds was InfiniteFlix8.
I do like the number 8.
It's an infinity sign.
It is.
Yeah.
I feel like, yeah, I feel like this last one, I feel like red is, I'm getting a feeling.
You know, I felt that for you as we were going through these and as I was reading them for
the first time that this might be the guy for you.
So are you ready to see who these men are?
Yes, please.
Let me read this excerpt from the Weird Oregon book, the Beaver State Beasts section.
Okay.
Before I tell you who you chose.
All right.
This is a quote directly from the book.
According to our research, 2.4% of organs, 98,466 square miles is water.
So 2.4% of that is water.
Oh, well.
That may not sound like a lot, but do the math.
Yeah, do this math.
Do the math.
Okay.
It amounts to more than 2,363 square miles of rivers, lakes, reservoirs and for butares.
Yeah, tributary.
Some sort of water.
It's fine.
It's water.
And that's not counting organs 260 mile coast.
Oh, Oregon has plenty of water to sustain a healthy amount of aquatic life, which begs
the question we're floating here.
Does all this water contain only familiar fish and reptiles or does some of it hide other
things?
I'm going to go like yes.
Yes, it does.
It hides your bachelor.
Bachelor red.
Was it right?
Right.
Bachelor red is the Conser Lake Monster.
Okay.
Where is Conser lake?
Yeah.
Where is it though?
So I, yeah, tried to look it up.
Couldn't find it.
But the book does say it's an Albany in the Millersburg area.
But there's a bunch of little lakes on the map right there.
None of them with that name.
So I assume maybe they just don't call it that anymore or something, but it was in a paper.
It was in an old newspaper article.
Okay.
Yeah.
So it's like an old-timey name.
Yeah.
So where does he get his name?
Flix.
Yeah.
And his telepathic nature, his hurt no one means no harm lonely attitude.
This all comes from one person's story.
Oh.
Someone wrote a story about her psychic friend's experience.
Oh.
And her experience was basically that she heard the concert lake monster in her head.
Speaking telepathically to her saying that he's an alien, his name is Flix.
He, you know, means no harm.
Doesn't want to hurt anyone.
He's very lonely.
He just wants company.
No one can hear him because he talks telepathically.
Okay.
Yeah.
Hmm.
And then his paranoia of being hunted and not like in guns and loud sounds.
So a lot of people tried to hunt him down.
Lots of shooting going on in the area.
Actually the article in the newspaper was about two boys being shot at when they were just
trying to fish.
Oh no.
Like someone thought that they were Flix.
Okay.
Well, listen, old timey people shooting at literally anything they see.
Anything that moves in the bush.
Um, yeah.
We just probably need to take save, we're all see not safe.
No.
If you can tell from the description, he's pretty sensitive.
He's also easily offended.
Oh no.
Yeah.
So the lady that talked to him telepathically said that he was offended that people call him
a monster.
Oh.
I mean, yeah.
I feel like that's understandable.
Also there's one story of some farmers who saw like a big white shape.
They shot at it.
They hit it.
But then they couldn't find it again.
And then the police were like, well, this other neighbor of yours lost its white cow.
So you probably shot the white cow and they were like, no, no, no.
Yeah.
You're dick.
So I kind of thought that maybe he would also be offended that people were comparing him
to a cow.
They're just trying to relate him back to something that they understand.
Right.
Monsters and cows.
He just flicks the alien.
So his description is, you know, he's seven feet tall, like 400 pounds.
He's got cat like ears, wide webbed duck like feet.
And he's kind of described like a primate with shaggy white fur.
Okay.
So that's where the monkey dude comes in.
Yeah.
He's a primate.
They also describe him as being kind of like an albino big foot.
So interesting.
Yeah.
Okay.
So yeah, it does feel pretty appropriate or a bit of, but he does have the webbed feet.
So they do think he can like swim in the water too.
Yeah.
A group out in this area found gigantic webbed footprints that were six or seven feet
apart.
So like a long stride.
But also the footprint itself was like three feet wide.
Wow.
Zers.
Yeah.
So those are pretty big.
I don't know how big big foot feet are usually.
I can't remember.
I feel like this is bigger.
This might be bigger.
Well bigger.
Free feet.
I don't know.
That's a lot.
That's like half of my body.
More than half my body because I'm definitely not six feet tall.
Just a fly eye.
And he was described as having kind of squishy footsteps because it's kind of a soggy
area too.
So sure.
Yeah.
And smelling kind of like a soggy like monster.
Well, listen, I love a dog and I love them even when they smell, you know, that doggy smell.
So I feel like he wasn't the dog one.
I know.
Okay.
I have dogs.
I can bring dogs to the table in this relationship.
You don't you didn't choose the dog guy with.
I know.
I know my kids, which I'm shocked.
I honestly need to.
Me too.
Yeah.
Do you want to hear about the mint?
Yes.
A truck driver carrying some mint going about 35 miles an hour saw the Conser Lake Monster
run up beside his car or truck and like look at him and he was keeping pace with the car
or the truck.
Okay.
And he described him as looking curiously inside.
So my theory was that he just like really liked mint.
Yeah.
Or he maybe he wanted to cover up his soggy monster smell.
He really like listen.
He needs a drink at the end of the day.
A mojito sounds lovely.
Yeah.
So, you know, I think he was trying to get on some of that mint.
Yeah.
I'm about that.
In a group of teenagers were out one night and they saw the concert lake monster described
him as like out of this world like nothing from this world that they had ever seen.
And he was uttering uttering like a row.
He was uttering a weird resonant cry which they described as.
Fleep.
Fleeoweep.
Ah.
Spot on impression.
Fleeoweep.
So that is your bachelor that you chose, the Conser lake monster.
And would you like to know about the other two bachelor's that you didn't pick?
Yeah.
I mean, it's not too late to change my mind, right?
Just in case.
Yeah, it's too late.
You can't change your mind.
Okay.
Well, I first did about my choice to be honest.
So, they'll take you back to use.
We'll see.
So the blue bachelor is, Amhuluk The Water Dragon.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah, dragon.
That's right at my alley.
He's a dragon.
Yeah.
I guess he's also in Godzilla or something.
But I think it's like a different dude.
It's not the same guy.
This one is from a Kalapya legend.
Oh.
No.
So he is from Forked Lake Mountain.
Forked?
Get in Forked.
Forked.
A quote from jstore.org says Forked Mountain lies 15 miles west of Forest Grove.
Oh.
But I looked and I couldn't find anything called Forked Lake or anything there.
I don't even think there's particularly mountains.
Right there.
Okay.
So, so Hagg Lake is eight miles west of there.
Do you know if there's any mountains around Hagg Lake?
What?
Really?
Not in my recollection.
I don't know.
And there is another lake a little bit further out.
I didn't exactly map it.
It could be like 15 miles.
So anyway, it's supposed to be somewhere around there.
Okay.
But it says it's a mountain pool.
So like, you want to go for a drive.
Maybe there used to be mountains there.
I don't know.
I got it.
They're gone now.
Maybe it was like a really large hill and they called it.
Yeah.
I feel like, you know, perception is.
So obviously he lives in the lake.
He is very old.
His last sighting was in 1890.
It's a last sighting.
The last sighting.
Wow.
Yeah.
So that's where I got the 1890 in the username.
It makes sense.
So he is a four-legged serpent.
He is spotted with long horns on his head.
And I wrote horny.
Haha.
Get it?
Because he has horns.
Yeah.
I mean, he really has a lot going on.
And I literally put horny as one of the traits and chaffy ChatGPT just like totally
mortared.
They were like, no.
They're like, this is inappropriate.
We don't, we don't talk about sex here.
So fun fact.
That's so funny.
Chris and I say that to each other all the time.
That's inappropriate.
Haha.
I just get like an answer back saying that's inappropriate.
Yeah.
No.
Haha.
His four legs are described as being hairless.
Maybe so he can swim better because you know swimmers.
They shave them legs.
That's what I've heard.
But he does have a passion for drowning brutality.
Drowning and brutality.
I was like drowning.
Drowning brutality.
Like brutally drowning or like somehow drowning brutality.
How do we do that?
He likes to drown anything.
I'll read you a quote.
I feel like that doesn't vote what for me.
You know, that's also kind of the reason he doesn't like kids because there is a specific story
about children.
Yeah.
So good thing, you know, if you'd picked him that you don't want kids.
Yeah.
Sounds like it.
You might drown them.
Okay.
So this is a quote from a book of creatures.com.
Drowning amulacse is captured and drowned in his lake.
Even the trees around the lake have their crowns upside down around the lake and the sky
itself is drowned in the muddy water.
Okay.
It's just all about fucking drown and shit.
Yeah.
I feel like that's, it's a little dark for my taste personally.
Yeah.
But he does have the several spotted dogs.
He loves his pack of spotted dogs.
And you know, he lives in that kind of slimy, boggy environment.
So great.
It's easier to drown things if they get stuck in the mud, you know?
Totally.
I mean, no, I don't know, but I feel okay about that.
Are you ready for Bachelor number yellow?
Okay.
This is this is my favorite one.
Really?
Okay.
His name is The Melrose Creep.
Okay.
Where is Melrose?
This one we actually know where it's at.
It's an unincorporated community outside of Roseburg, Oregon.
Okay.
And that's 180 mils, I wrote.
180 miles south of Portland.
Sure is.
So don't go there.
I, you know, never really been tempted to be honest.
I kind of wrote him to have like a creepy personality because it's in the name, you know?
He's great.
Yeah.
I think that pretty much sums it up.
Do you want to know about the pitter-patter of his little feet?
I do why?
I feel like you know me well enough to know.
Do do I?
I think you do.
Okay.
So the person who wrote the story and this whole story is in the Weird Oregon book, they
wrote quote, "I heard soft padded shuffles."
And the footfalls behind me.
I looked all around before I saw it.
The Melrose Creep.
And then towards the end of the story, he writes, "A few months later, I heard the eerie
pitter-patter of those damn little feet again."
And the sighting happened at night under a full moon.
So I kind of assumed maybe he's nocturnal and really likes the full moon.
Okay.
Just hug your puppy.
Okay.
I'm ready to hear about his description.
Okay.
I'm going to quote the book again.
It was about three to four feet tall and hunched over.
Had no hair, long arms with six fingered hands and stubby clawed feet.
It also had a very human-like head and bulging, glowing red eyes.
Okay.
Yeah.
Super attractive.
I do like the idea of being taller than someone, but yeah, I feel like there's got to be another
way.
So I kind of got that he was kind of fearless from the story because he did say the Melrose
creep seemed unafraid of him.
And he even started to approach him in the guy ran away.
No, thank you.
I just remembered I had a thing.
K-bye.
Bye.
Creep.
Do you want to hear the best part of the story?
Okay.
The person who wrote the story, Captain Morgan, stop it.
Stop it.
So I'm going to show you in the book.
There's two pictures.
This is the concert Lake Monster.
I mean, he's supposed to have white fur, but it's kind of dark.
So.
Okay.
Yeah.
That's that boy.
Is that something?
This is The Melrose Creep.
Are you ready?
No.
Story by Captain Morgan.
Okay.
Oh my god.
It's cute.
It looks like a Gremlin.
I don't know.
He's got the bulging red eye.
It's airless body.
I do not care for that at all.
It's hilarious.
I love that so much.
Wow.
I'm touched.
Yeah.
So I think you got pretty lucky.
I mean, your guy is kind of scary looking, but that's just because he was in the dark, right?
So, you know, totally.
Yeah.
I'm sure in broad daylight, it's totally fine.
I'm surprised you picked one so tall.
I, you know, it wasn't a lot of middle ground on this one.
Wow.
Okay.
Well, do you want to hear my little fun fact?
Okay.
Buying the gifts.
Obviously, I bought them, you guys.
What?
I know.
So, minus the rum and the earplugs.
I got all of these gifts before I even did any research.
But how?
I have no idea.
I just grabbed things and I was like, well, maybe this could work.
And it did.
Look at you.
Obviously, like the details of the Captain Morgan, I didn't know.
And like the earplugs were like an after thing.
But all of the other things, I was like, wow, this thing I got fits with this person, the
four-legged shit, the spotted dogs, like, I even got that thing.
And I was like, that's kind of creepy.
Maybe I don't know, but it's for the creepy guy.
I really want to check a few of these out.
Do it.
Pick one at rant.
Pick one at random and that can be your date with what's his butt.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
Flix.
Oh!
Horse-drawn carriage, right.
I feel like he would be the one who'd like drawing the carriage.
Yes, he's so big.
Horse's can't pull him.
I also grabbed axe throwing.
Oh, that would have been a good one.
Yeah.
They're very, very cute.
Cute.
Should we do some tarot?
I guess.
I kind of want to just look at these.
You can.
All shuffle.
As indie podcasters, we love to show our support of other awesome shows.
So stay tuned for the promo we've got to share with you this week.
Let's show them some love.
You can find their info in our show notes.
This is That's So Fucked Up, a podcast about cult, murder and other fucked up stuff.
Like really, really fucked up stuff.
He tore out her heart, tied it to a rope and hung it on the wall.
Fucking sharks?
Eight mark.
Under the dinghy.
After his dad dies, he fucking marries all his dad's wives.
Oh, yeah.
He like marries all his stepmoms.
I'm your host, Ashley Love Richards.
Find That So Fucked Up, anywhere you listen to podcasts.
That's Fucked Up.
You guys were back.
And don't worry.
We did get more wine.
Well, of course.
Oh, here you go.
This is the way to a girl's heart.
It's a binary to a.
Okay, I'm going to have you choose right for the middle.
Oh, yeah.
Four.
Four of us.
Okay.
It's got a cute ghost on it.
Three wine glasses on the ground and one in the clouds.
Which is basically the same as the visual on the traditional writer, Waitsmith's deck.
So let's look at this first before we read.
It's got blue on it.
It's cups water.
So he's like kind of in the water too.
Okay.
The lake, you know, all right.
Wait, he wasn't blue.
But the other guy was blue.
Yeah.
That you really like too.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
That's all I got.
Okay.
Our key words are withdrawal, rest, boredom and lack of inspiration.
The four of cups in the writer, Waitsmith and other decks depicts a lone person sitting
beneath a tree.
Like, because they just haven't made it on to the cryptid dating game yet.
Yeah.
Well, these guys are lonely too.
Yeah.
So what I'm saying.
The idea is that you've gone off on your own and aren't receiving what others hold out
to you at this time.
You may be withdrawing from your usual routine, work, friends, etc.
In order to get in touch with yourself.
This kind of sounds like Flix, he is lonely.
Yeah.
The upright four of cups symbolizes boredom and stagnation.
You're not satisfied with your life at this time, but lack the incentive to make changes.
You've detached emotionally from people and situations.
Aw, Flix.
Sometimes this card indicates you've sacrificed happiness for security.
Aw.
Yeah, the security of not like being shot at.
Yeah.
I mean, which doesn't feel like a tall ass, but you know, you can't find friends if like
you're worried about being hunted, you know?
True.
In a reading about money, this card can mean you're too attached to money and security,
perhaps at the expense of love and joy.
Perhaps you've prioritized money in the past and now seek meaning in other things.
I wonder if he has like his space job because he's like an alien, you know?
Oh, I wonder if his space job is to like study where he's at.
Maybe.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm making money here and it keeps moving.
Yeah.
Theories.
I don't, you know?
You're wearing a UFO shirt too.
I am.
And you pick the alien guy.
I did.
That's funny.
If the reading is about your job, you probably feel stuck and bored with your job.
You may long for more creativity and enjoyment, but if opted for security instead.
Not anymore flex.
Your problems are solved.
This is your new woman.
In a reading about love, the four shows you withdrawing affection and energy from a relationship.
Perhaps routine has slapped your enthusiasm.
Maybe that's more about you that part.
I don't know.
Great.
Thank you.
This card also symbolizes a relationship based on security rather than passion.
Yeah.
I think you're going to have way more passion with this guy than you do with your real
fiance.
You know?
Them spiten words.
I really don't like that.
I'm kidding, y'all.
Just trying to make this tarot read more interesting.
Byered.
Okay.
Bye.
Do the shirts.
What?
Light this place on fire when I bump into shit?
Yeah.
I can do that all by myself.
Oh, this is cute.
This is fun.
Well, do you think we're good?
I think so.
I think so too.
I think so.
Yeah.
We're in the gifting mood.
We might have a little gift for you that was brought to us by a gift from somebody else.
Yeah.
Did that make any sense?
It's not technically regifting.
It's not.
It's just a gift that we can share with you.
It's a gift that keeps on giving and giving.
It is.
Jocelyn who is not only a listener of the podcast, but also one of our Patreon subscribers.
Hey, Jocelyn.
Hey, hey, Jocelyn.
She is also the fabulous proprietor of Mythic Wig.
What's Mythic Wig, you ask?
Sounds like candles.
It does because they are.
We will be posting to the socials, but we wanted to make sure we included it in this
week's episode, The Promo Code.
And I think we'll go ahead and link in the show notes to where you need to go to get the
special candles in a special discount.
She sent us a little goody pack.
So we're good on candles for at least a day or two.
Speak for yourself.
Yeah.
I mean, Cassie is going to immediately be buying probably eight or nine or eleven D.
I'm going to use the shit out of this.
Ten percent off code.
There was a very special way we had to get the code.
We had to heat up this card over fire to reveal a code.
It's not the coolest thing ever.
Like, who does that?
It's so cool.
Pretty much the coolest.
Yeah.
It was covered in runes and then when we heated it up, it gave us real words.
And it says ten percent off code.
He and W H H.
Well, they see, but we'll put it in the notes.
Have a creepy ass Valentine's Day.
Don't go creeping around Melrose.
Glide.
Unless you enjoy creeps, which you know, might be my thing.
I mean, some people do.
Maybe I'll go.
Yeah, some Roseburg.
Crepes of Roseburg.
Watch out.
Oh boy.
All right.
Is that a go?
Nothing else clever, we have to say.
Okay.
Hey, Cassie.
Yeah.
Someone shots a dollar tree.
Oh my.
Isn't it so cute?
So cute.
And it's like a scunk baby.
You always say so stinkin' cute.
I do.
So stinkin' cute.
Oh my God.
You're definitely the best.
Who knew this book would get her so distracted?
Oh my God.
All right.
Well, I'm probably gonna need to just, what's...
Do we have like elevator music?
Should we just read the whole book?
I really want to, but...
Oh!
For my...
So cute. Pnwhauntsandhomicides.com