Comforting someone who is grieving is not about becoming an expert in grief psychology.
It is not about delivering a flawless speech that like lifts their spirits like the ending
of a movie, and it is not about fixing what can't be fixed because grief is not a thing
that can be fixed.
Comforting someone who's grieving is about using your pre-existing strengths, things you
already have inside you to support someone you care about who is in pain.
Hi there grief growers and welcome back to another episode of Grief Grower.
I am so grateful to be here with you as always.
If you have been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back.
And if you are new to me and my work, hello.
My name is Shelby for Scythia, I am a Grief Coach, a three time author and the founder
of Life After Loss Academy, where I have helped dozens of grieving people stop feeling
lost, stuck, broken and alone, and start building lives that they genuinely love from
the lives that lost forced them to live.
This includes not only death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup,
major diagnosis and every single other loss that changes our lives.
Here on Grief Grower, we believe that grief is not something to get over.
It is something that we grow with and alongside and that when we stop treating grief like a problem
to be solved and start treating it like an invitation to live more deeply, we can create
meaningful lives that are which with the memories that we carry, the struggles that we
faced and the precious awareness of what it is to be right here and right now.
Today on the show we are diving into the supporting someone series once again with episode
6.
So, all together, I have given you six episodes on what to say and do to support someone
who is grieving.
But before we get into it, just a quick reminder that release day for my third book, of course
I'm here right now, three actually helpful things to say to someone who's grieving is coming
up in less than two months on March 31st.
This little guidebook teaches you how to support someone who's grieving in your life with the
best free tool that any of us has and that is our words so that you will never enter another
conversation with a grieving friend, family member, coworker, client wondering what on earth
do I say in this situation in order to comfort them.
As an author, pre-orders are always immensely helpful when it comes to getting the book scene
by the powers that be and bookstores in every other place that would like to stock this
book so you can find a link to pre-order.
Of course I'm here right now, three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving in
the show notes for this episode.
If you have already pre-ordered the book, thank you so incredibly much.
You can submit your receipt number.
No photos required.
All you have to do is type it in from your local bookstore, from Amazon, from Bookshop,
from Barnes & Noble on my website, which is ShelbyFersethea.com, to access the free six-week
book club that is kicking off April 14th.
In that book club, we will read, of course, I'm here right now, chapter by chapter, over
six weeks, there's six chapters in the book, so we will read one chapter a week, and we
will discuss it together.
We will talk about scenarios, how to use the phrases in real life, and what to say to
someone who is grieving in your life, even if that person who is grieving is you.
Once again, this book club kicks off in early April, so make sure you have the book in your
hands and submit your receipt number on my website by then.
You can find the link to do that in the show notes as well.
And last thing I'll say, if you would like to celebrate the launch of this book with me,
I would be so honored to see you at two launch parties.
The first one is taking place, the eve before the book comes out, here in Chicago on March 30th,
when you get your ticket, the book is included, so you get the book in your hands before the
rest of the world, the night before it's released to the world, which is so fun and so exciting.
And the second launch event, if you are not located in or around Chicago, is happening
on March 31st on YouTube.
So no matter where in the world you live, you can tune in to hear more about the clients
and interactions that inspired this grief book.
And I will also read some excerpts from the book live during the launch party.
And of course, the replay of that virtual launch party will be made available if you cannot
attend live, because I want to honor the fact that so many my clients and students and friends
and family members are in different time zones of the world.
And yet we are all either grieving or supporting someone through grief, sometimes both at the
same time.
So I really want to make this launch party and sort of the thesis of this book available
to you whenever you would like to watch it.
You can save your spot for both of these launch parties at the link in the show notes.
Okay, let's get into supporting someone series number six.
And this is how to comfort someone who is grieving.
This is inspired by my new book, of course, I'm here right now.
Three powerful ways to show up with care.
The reason I wrote this episode and wanted to bring it to you is because odds are whether
you're grieving or you consider yourself not grieving in this season, you are probably
listening because someone in your life is experiencing a loss.
That person, maybe you, that person, maybe someone that you know someone just died or a
physical or mental health diagnosis just changed everything about your life, their life.
Maybe a married or relationship has ended.
Maybe a future that someone was counting on has just just poofed into the ether.
And now you are standing next to a grieving person's pain and thinking, what on earth do I
say?
What if I make it worse?
And how do I support someone who's grieving when I don't know what to do?
And as I was writing this book and as I talk to people who are curious about how to support
someone who's grieving, they often have three main motivations.
They want to be a good friend to someone who's grieving.
I want to feel as if I can support them and I want to be perceived as a good friend and
I want to act in the behavior that a good friend would have.
I want to know what to say and do.
I want to have the words that are genuinely comforting specific to this moment.
And sort of on a larger perspective on a worldwide level, I want to live in a society where
people are there for each other when hard things happen.
And oftentimes these three motivators, I want to be a good friend, I want to have the tools
and I want to live in a world where everyone has the tools to support someone and be a good
friend when someone in the world is grieving.
These are all driving people who want to comfort someone who's grieving.
So if this is you, I feel you like raising your hand in the headphones of this podcast
episode.
I see you and I hear you.
What I want you to do, if you are spiraling of like, what do I say?
I don't want to screw it up, I really want to make sure that I am comforting someone who's
grieving in a way that actually feels good and okay to them.
I want you to take a breath and know this.
Comforting someone who is grieving is not about becoming an expert in grief psychology.
It is not about delivering a flawless speech that like lifts their spirits like the ending
of a movie.
And it is not about fixing what can't be fixed because grief is not a thing that can be
fixed.
Having someone who's grieving is about using your pre-existing strengths, things you already
have inside you to support someone you care about who is in pain.
And after more than 10 years of working with grieving people and listening very carefully
to what actually helps versus what harms, I have found that comforting someone who is
grieving comes down to three core ways of showing up.
And these are all based on strengths that I imagine you already have somewhere inside
of you.
They're at one of these three than others, so see which one sounds the most like you and
then we're going to look at each of them individually and get even more detail.
First, your strength may be validating what they're feeling.
Second, your strength may be remaining present over time.
Or third, your strength might be gently reminding the person who's grieving that this moment
exists within the context of a larger life.
And if you are not sure which of these three strengths most describes you, pause right
now, pause this podcast episode and look at the show notes for this episode unless you're
driving in which case, wait until you get where you're going and then look at the show notes
to take the free two minute quiz that I have created called what is your grief supporter
strength.
Once you have your results, come back to listen more about each grief supporter type and
we're going to get into them now.
What I want you to take with you as we continue this episode is that comforting someone after
losses a lot easier and less pressure cooker filled than most people think and it does not
require you to be a therapist which we've already mentioned.
But you also don't have to know how to make a casserole or have the money to send a bunch
of flowers or groceries to their home.
So if you want to meaningfully support someone grieving, let's explore these three different
types of strengths that you can already have as a grief supporter that you can hone and
perfect and add words to to comfort someone who is grieving and you can figure out what
type of grief supporter you are, what your innate gifts and strengths are and use those
to your advantage the next time someone you know is in crisis.
Okay, the first type is a comforter who supports someone grieving by validating their emotions.
And this is important because grief is very disorienting.
It can make the person going through it feel irrational or reactive or foggy or angry
or exhausted or overwhelmed a whole plethora of things.
And on top of all that, so so many grieving people have told me in more than 10 years of
grief coaching that they're doing grief wrong or they're afraid that they're crazy or
they think that nobody really understands what it is they're going through.
They wonder if they're too emotional or not emotional enough or they're talking about
the loss too much or not talking about it enough or crying about the loss too much or
not crying enough to prove that they care about who or what they lost.
So one of the most stabilizing things that you as a comforter can offer them is simple
emotional validation.
And what validation means if you're not familiar with this term is that you help a grieving
person's emotions make sense.
Not in a clinical way, you don't have to break it down for them from a psychology perspective
and not with really long explanations, but just in a human way.
So here's some examples of what validation, emotional validation looks like in practice.
So when someone says I can't even focus at work, you might respond, well, of course you can't
focus at work the way you used to.
You're griefing or when they say I'm so angry and I don't even know why, you might say
that makes sense to me.
There's a lot that feels unfair about loss.
You are not analyzing them.
You are not correcting them and you are not redirecting them toward like gratitude or
positivity or growth.
Instead you are communicating one simple, powerful statement.
Your reaction to grief is normal.
And this matters because grieving people are constantly exposed to this subtle pressure
to look on the bright side or to move forward or to be like everyone else.
And so when you validate instead of minimize their emotions, you create emotional safety
within your relationship.
And in my free quiz where you can discover your personal grief support strength, one of
the supporter types is called the perceptive permission granter.
These are the emotional validators.
This is your innate strength.
So maybe you naturally think or say things like your feelings make sense.
I can see how you got there.
I hear you.
I believe you.
People who are emotional validators or perceptive permission grangers because I had to come up
with a fun name.
They do not try to fix what a griever is feeling.
They legitimize it.
Sometimes even offering evidence.
And here is what is important.
You do not need to be an emotions person or a feelings person to do this well, to grant
someone emotional permission to have their feelings.
You do not need a degree in counseling and you do not need a huge emotional vocabulary.
And you also do not need to cry alongside them.
Again, you do not have to come up with any further proof.
Then simply you are standing alongside them whether literally or virtually or over text
message or however you're communicating with them and just reflecting back what you
are observing to be true about them.
And what this does is wraps their heart in this unspoken comfort that however they're
feeling about their loss is normal and okay.
Underneath every validating phrase, I see you.
I hear you.
I believe you.
That makes sense to me.
Of course you would feel that way.
Is the same foundation.
You are granting your grieving person permission to feel over and over and over again.
And that is the gift of the perceptive permission granter.
So if you think you might be the perceptive permission granter, take the quiz and see if
that is your type.
Let's get into the second type of comforter or the second way that you can comfort someone
who is grieving.
Number two is comforting by being a consistent presence.
Something that a lot of my grieving clients and students say often is everyone showed up
at first right when the loss happened and then they all disappeared.
Society writ large, I'm kind of speaking in generalizations, tends to rally around fresh
loss like the thing just happened.
There are meal trains and texts and flowers and an outpouring of sympathy and then slowly
or sometimes quickly life resumes and people go as grievers often put it back to their
normal lives.
And while this sort of grief ghosting by friends and family is really intentional, it makes
grieving people feel like no one truly cares about them or their loss because no one is
willing to go the distance, the distance of time.
For many grieving people it is another sort of loss to be left alone to deal with the
pain of grief on top of grieving another already painful loss.
So for instance, my person died and now I'm being abandoned by all my friends and family.
So if you want to be a really good grief supporter to someone grieving, learn how to stick
around.
And sticking around does not mean hovering or bombarding your griever with daily.
How are you?
What are you doing?
How are you feeling today texts?
It doesn't mean forcing deep conversations.
It means maintaining gentle but ongoing contact.
So this could look like a short text that says, "No need to respond, just thinking of you
today."
Or verbal acknowledgement, the grief anniversary, like a death day or a birthday is coming up.
So like, "I know your dad's birthday is coming up.
Are you doing anything special to honor him?"
Or "I know that the anniversary of your divorce is coming up.
Are you doing anything to commemorate the day or are you interested in taking a day off
if you're in someone like a management position or a friend or something who could cover
for them?"
You could offer an invitation to walk with no pressure to join or to go see a movie or
to go to a very low-stakes restaurant reservation or a concert or something similar.
You could even just have a willingness to sit in the same room with someone who is grieving
or on a phone call without needing to fill the silence.
So many grieving people say, "I just want someone to show up to be there."
And this is often what they mean.
These gestures of ongoing contact are all important because we live in a society that
doesn't make space for grief after the crater, the initial impact.
When you choose to keep acknowledging grief over the long haul, you communicate to your grieving
person, your loss is still important to me.
So in my free quiz, which once again you can find it in the show notes for this episode
or if you're watching on YouTube, you can find it in the description.
One of the quiz results is called the Compassionate Companion.
If you are a compassionate companion, you understand instinctively that grief is not a thing
that happens one time.
There's not just the moment the crater is created.
You recognize that what comforts most is often consistency, showing up as the person who
is dealing with this crater that blew this giant hole in their lives, slowly pieces things
back together.
To accompany a grievous heart over time, you don't have to say profound things.
In fact, you honestly don't really need to say much at all.
It is the checking in and the checking in over time that is the most important.
Set another way.
You do not have to spend a lot of time with a grieving person.
You just have to keep showing up over time.
Your continued presence in their life communicates something very powerful and that is one of my
favorite phrases, whether you say it out loud or not, I have not forgotten that you are grieving.
Many people worry that they will say the wrong thing and make things worse for the person
who are trying to comfort and so they pull back.
But for most grievous silence from others or stepping away, hurts more than imperfect words.
If you are someone who does not love long heart to heart conversations, showing up over
time in small ways might actually be your strength.
You might be the steady one in their lives, the one who keeps checking in, the one who sends
the short, simple message without requiring anything in return.
And your reliability as the compassionate companion lets them know that it is okay that they are
still grieving and that they are still remembering and processing and being changed by their
loss.
At the core of every check in that you have with them of "I'm still here," you demonstrate
that you are one of the ones who gets it.
Grief does not vanish with time and neither do you.
And what a gift that is to somebody who is grieving.
Okay, let's get into the last way that you can comfort someone who is grieving here and
this is by gently providing perspective.
This is not everyone's gift in life after loss, but for people who this is their gift,
they are really, really good at it.
And let me say more on what I mean by gently providing perspective.
Grief can make the pain of this present moment feel permanent, especially when a permanent
loss like a death or a life-changing diagnosis is the thing that they're mourning.
The intensity can convince someone grieving that because this is how it is right now, this
is how it's going to be forever.
When you carefully place your grieving person's pain in some kind of context, you create breathing
room in their brain and sometimes a shred of hope that their suffering is not all there
is.
To be very clear, this does not mean saying, "It will get better.
You can try for kids again.
You'll find love again."
It does not mean pointing out silver linings or asking them to look on the bright side.
And it really, really, really doesn't mean rushing them towards joy or happiness.
This means offering perspective means acknowledging how hard this specific unique moment is while
also anchoring it in time, almost like tying an anchor to the reality of right now and
saying, "Yep, this is true.
This is heavy.
This is real."
And also, this is not all there is.
So people who are good at this, this flavor of comforting, say things like, "Right now,
everything feels really heavy."
Or, "This season is incredibly difficult."
Or, "I can see how hard you're trying in this chapter."
These small phrases, these prepositional phrases of "Right now, this season, this chapter,
all these time-oriented sayings."
They do something really, really important.
They frame your grieving friends' pain as real and intense and valid, but also not endless.
In my free grief supporter quiz, what's your grief supporter's strength, this supporter
type is called the narrative navigator.
These are the people who can hold two truths at once.
This is really effing awful, and this is not the entirety of your existence.
You do not need to be poetic, to be a narrative navigator.
You do not need to predict someone's healing timeline.
You are not promising anything about their future.
You are simply naming what is happening in a way that prevents the pain from swallowing
or consuming their whole entire rest of their life.
And for someone who feels consumed by grief, that subtle reframing, whether they recognize
it or not, can be incredibly stabilizing.
Again, as I said in the beginning of this episode, you do not need to be a therapist to offer
this.
You do not need specialized training.
You just need to be thoughtful about your language.
So instead of saying, it won't always hurt this bad, you'll have future kids, you'll find
love again, it's okay, blah, blah, blah, it'll all work out in the end.
You say instead, right now I can see how much this hurts.
And your framing of this moment in time, as just that, a moment right now in this season
for the moment, shows them that it is possible to honor and be present to the grief that is
happening right here, right now, while also acknowledging that the hearing now is always
changing.
Life may never end, but it does change shape and pain while it is very real is rarely a permanent
state of being.
What I really want to drive home as you go out into the world after this episode is that
you do not have to become someone different in order to comfort someone who's grieving.
I think so many people hesitate to support someone who's grieving a friend, a family member,
a coworker, a neighbor, a client, because they believe that it requires a special personality
or formal training.
They think things like, I'm not going to the motions or I never know what to say or I don't
want to mess this up, but supporting someone in grief and I believe this like to the core
of who I am is less about charisma and education and more about your relationship to them and
their pain.
And frankly, your innate comforting gifts and I think we all have them.
Are you willing to validate their feelings instead of dismissing them?
That is one kind of gift.
Are you willing to remain present instead of disappearing?
That is another kind of gift.
Or are you willing to frame the moment gently instead of forcing fake optimism?
That is another kind of gift.
That's it.
That is all it takes to comfort someone who is grieving in your midst.
The world does not need more people who are trying to get grief right.
It needs more steady humans who are willing to show up thoughtfully exactly as they already
are.
So here is your next step, whether you are grieving or supporting someone who is.
You are listening to this episode because you want to support someone well.
Please take the quiz.
What is your grief supporter's strength?
It is free.
It takes less than two minutes.
You will discover your natural way of comforting someone who is in pain.
You will see how your personality can be an asset, not a liability, in the midst of loss,
and you will walk away with practical guidance that is tailored to how you uniquely show up
for the people in your life who are suffering.
And in case you haven't already guessed, this quiz is inspired by my new book.
Of course I'm here right now, which goes deeper into what supportive presence actually
looks like in everyday conversations using words and words alone.
It's powerful little magical free things to validate a company and offer time anchoring
to all of the grieving people in your life, whether they are facing a death divorce diagnosis,
bust, splash them with water and ruin their dress all the way to their sister just died
in the hospital.
Once again, you do not need to overhaul who you are to comfort someone who is grieving.
You do not need to memorize a script and you do not need to rescue any single grieving
person from their pain.
You just need to show up in a way that says, "Your feelings make sense?"
Validator.
I am still here.
A company or this moment as hard as it is is a moment in time contextualizer.
These three ways are how you comfort someone who is grieving.
Thank you so much for joining me today on this episode of Grief Grower.
I cannot wait to hear what type of grief supporter you are.
That's all for this episode of Grief Grower.
Thank you so much for joining me today.
If you're looking for grief support beyond the show, you can find free workshops, articles,
and my new "What's Your Grief Supporter Strength Quiz" at shallbeforcythia.com/links.
And if you'd like to get support from me for your unique loss experience, join us in
life after loss academy, my online course, and community.
As a student, I'll walk you through my five step grief framework for rebuilding after
loss, and you can get live coaching from me every single week to answer your questions.
Replays are always available if you can't attend life.
It's just $33 a month to join or $22 a month if you're marginalized or financially stressed
griever, and you can cancel at any time.
If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational, or otherwise helpful to you, please
subscribe and leave a review on Apple podcasts or Spotify.
And be sure to share Grief Grower with a friend, because you never know what someone you love
is going through.
Grief Grower is hosted by me, shallbeforcythia, and the theme music is by our very own Addy Goldstein.
Until next time, I see you.
I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world, and I love you.
Because even through grief, we are growing.
[Music]