If someone that you care about is grieving this time of year,
whether that's the death of a person
or the loss of a relationship, a diagnosis they just got,
or a life that just doesn't look the way they expected,
it is, in my humble opinion,
a sacred and beautiful act to reach out to them.
And one of the most popular mediums
for doing that in this day and age is a text message.
(gentle music)
- Hi there grief growers,
I am so honored and grateful to be here with you as always.
If you have been growing alongside me for a while,
welcome back and if you are new to me and my work, hello.
My name is Shelby for Scythia, I am a grief coach,
two times soon to be three time author
and the founder of Life After Loss Academy,
which is an online course and community
that has helped hundreds of grieving people stop
being lost, stuck, broken and alone,
and start building lives that they genuinely love
from the lives that loss force them to live.
Here on grief grower we believe that loss not only
includes death-related losses,
but also losses like divorce and breakup, major diagnosis,
and every single other loss or major transition
that changes your life.
Here on grief grower as well, we know for sure
that grief is not something to get over or push through.
It is something that we grow with and alongside
and that when we stop treating grief less like a problem
to be solved and more like an invitation to live more deeply,
we can create meaningful lives that are rich
with the memories that we carry and the struggles
that we faced and the precious awareness
of what it is to be alive right here and right now.
I want to say at the very top of the show,
thank you so much for your patience as I get this episode
up and published.
It is backdated in your podcast players to October 9th.
So if you're listening to this in the future,
you do not know this at all.
But if you are listening to it in the present day,
you will not hear this until Monday, October 13th.
It has been a very, very, very big week
in the First Scytheia household.
And my city at large, I learned some wonderful things
about my new book, including that my publishers
have decided to partner with an audiobook organization
to turn, of course, I'm here right now into an audiobook.
This was also a week, however, where I was notified
by someone in my audience that there is a grief coach
in the world who is ripping off my blogs
and publishing them as her own.
So I have been in contact with Lawyer friends
and a few other grief coaches to figure out what to do about that.
So if you know of anybody else who's ripping off my work
and claiming that they wrote it themselves,
please let me know.
This is becoming more and more prevalent in the age of AI.
I have confirmed that this person is a real person,
which somehow makes it worse.
But it's a thing that sadly is prevalent in the online community
when you put your work out there to be consumed
by other people.
Sometimes it is not only consumed, it is redistributed.
So that has been something I've been going through this week.
And lastly, this has been a huge, huge week
and weekend where ICE's presence in my neighborhood
in Chicago has been so loud.
Several of my neighbors have been taken by people who are claiming
to be part of this organization, but will not show their faces,
will not share their names or their badge numbers
who are driving personal vehicles and kidnapping people off
of the street.
And I am doing everything I can to work a part-time job
at a flower shop to do this work as a grief coach
and also actively resist, mourn, organize, and take care
of the human vessel.
That is my body all at the same time.
So needless to say, this has been a lot.
And thank you for all the grace that you have in the world
about the delay in this episode going live.
Two more things I want to share before I get into the meat
of this episode, which is all about how
to comfort and companion people who
are grieving during the holidays, because those things
are barreling towards us like a freight train.
Before we get into it, two ways that you can interact with me
live in the very near future.
The first is here in Chicago.
It is something called the Talk Death Cemetery Scavenger Hunt.
It takes place on October 26, which is a Sunday.
This is an event that is happening across the United States
and Cemetery across the country, which helps people
appreciate and learn about local Cemetery's and their histories
and invites you as a grieving person, as a member of your community
to visit the cemetery, to reduce stigma around death,
and demonstrate that Cemetery's for as much as they
are places for the dead can also be spaces for the living.
You will learn about memorials and history,
connect with others in your community, potentially
other griefers in your area, and spend time with friends
and loved ones while all reflecting on your own mortality.
And the Talk Death Scavenger Hunt that is happening
in Chicago is happening on October 26, once again, at 1.30 pm,
and is co-hosted by myself by Angel Luna, who
is a co-host of Death and Friends, which is a comedy
history podcast hosted by two people.
You will also see Grace Robbins there of Coimbat Romania,
which is a Cemetery, Education and Events platform
based here in Chicago, and also Jensen Allen, who
is the director of Grace Land Cemetery in Arbor,
Rita, which is the Cemetery where all of this
will be taking place in Chicago on the 26.
So if you'd like to meet me there, I will be there as early
as like 11.30 noonish or so, because in advance of the scavenger
hunt, which officially takes place at 1.30,
we're going to be doing Cemetery tours.
There will be Q&As about death dying, grief, and grieving,
and how Cemetery is as community gathering spaces
as institutions are so important for grief and grieving.
And then at 1.30, Talk Death, the large organization
and social media platform will release all at once
on their Instagram and their website, a list of clues
to go hunt for around the cemetery.
So it might be Find a Headstone where the last name starts
with C or Find a Mosaileum that looks like a church
or something of that nature.
And there will be prizes awarded for people who take pictures
and upload them.
And it's a free event.
It's a thing to do in Chicago to sort of honor death, grief,
and grieving to honor spooky season, which we are in the mid-stuff
right now, and to connect with other people in your area
who are death educators, grief educators, and the like.
And prizes will be awarded to those
who ever finds 13 clues first, the highest number of total clues
found and accolade such as most creative photography.
Once again, once again, this is an event that is free
and open to the public.
So if you're near or around Chicago,
I would love to see and meet you in person.
And you can register for the event,
although registration is not required
at shallbeforsitia.com/events.
That is also where you can find the second event
that I'm gonna be a part of in November.
On Friday, November 21st, I will be in LA.
So if you are in and around LA, I would love to see you
at the grief-tastic book fair.
It is like your childhood book fair,
the Scholastic Book Fair only sadder.
(laughs)
And you can find me and more than 40 other grief authors live
at the Lux Hotel in Los Angeles.
And this is a one-of-a-kind gathering
that is dedicated to grief literacy, community connection,
and most of all, books.
You will enjoy a day of conversations and panels,
one of which I am hosting, immersive experiences,
and books, books, books, galore.
And the takeaway tote bags that everyone gets
for attending the grief-tastic book fair
are called "sad sacks," and I just can't get enough of it.
You will find myself, but there you will also find
Rachel Cargill, Rebecca Sofer, who we've interviewed here
on "Greefgrower," David Kessler,
a dear friend of mine, Hope Edelman, Jennifer Pastelof,
and of course yours truly, plus dozens and dozens
more authors that are there for you to discover.
If you would like to come to the brunch for grief-tastic,
which happens before the book fair,
that is from 10 to 1130,
and I believe tickets are still available for that.
And then the book fair kicks off from noon to four.
And once again, that is in LA.
And if you would like to get 15% off your ticket
before they sell out, you can find tickets again
at shallbeforsethea.com/events
and all proceeds for this event go to an organization
called Our House, which is a grief support center
that provides services across LA.
And I imagine they're doing quite a bit of heavy lifting.
They're considering the fires earlier this year,
the ice presence that is there right now,
has been there previously, and all the other griefs
that people are experiencing right now in Los Angeles.
And if you are going to the NDWL conference in November,
which is the day before on November 20th,
you can also use one of my codes to save 15% on your ticket.
And you can find all of that information
at shallbeforsethea.com/events.
So I'll be in LA from November 20th to 21st,
if you want to hang out in person at NDWL
or at the grief-tastic book fair.
And you can also come find me in a couple of weeks here
in October walking around a cemetery,
taking photos, trying to win some prizes.
And talking about death and dying
and the importance of cemeteries for your grief.
And for both of these events, I would love to see you there.
Please do not be afraid of coming up to me and saying hi.
I'd love to sign your book.
I'd love to hear your grief story.
I would love to be in your physical presence
because I know that so much of the work we do here on grief-grower
and in life after a loss of academy
and every other workshop and sort of presentation
that I teach so so much of the work I do as digital.
And it is so special to be able to be with you
as the kids say, "IRL" in real life.
Okay, I want to get into the meat of this episode.
And this is the third installment
in our supporting someone series,
which is all sort of building up in the release of my new book.
Of course, I'm here right now
three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving.
And this is specifically oriented towards the holidays
because of, like I said, the holidays are coming towards us
faster than they seem to have before time
seems to moving so quickly these days.
And one of the best ways that you can support someone grieving
in your midst, whether they are a member of your own family
or a friend or somebody who also knew the person
who died or a coworker or if you're a grief practitioner
and you are supporting clients or students
or workshop participants in your midst,
these are messages that you can send to them
or sort of acknowledgements you can send in their direction
whether through text message or in session, frankly,
that help people feel comforted and seen
and supported amidst the holiday season.
And I want to reiterate that if you were a grieving person,
you are never weird or abnormal or crazy
for thinking about the holidays, quote unquote, too soon.
If you see me here on YouTube, I'm doing air quotes too soon.
There's no such thing as too soon.
Grieving people will often brace for the holidays
or the holiday season, just like they brace for
death anniversaries, birthdays, other big significant dates
in their grief season.
And for myself, my mom died the day after Christmas.
The holiday season is kind of rife with grief dates,
but it's also just the holiday season.
And so there's a lot of emotional landmines
that take up the space of my calendar.
This is a season of my life.
You may have heard me talk about on previous podcast episodes
that I refer to as The Tilt,
where kind of like a roller coaster tilting
over the precipice of a very steep drop,
there is this unavoidable and emotional path ahead.
I have to go through it.
There's no choice.
There's no getting over it around it.
There's no stopping the roller coaster.
You will have a holiday season, whether you like it or not.
And from Thanksgiving to New Year's or Halloween to New Year's,
every grocery store jingle or festive dinner invitation
or cheerful commercial can feel like an ambush of grief.
So if someone that you care about is grieving this time of year,
once again, whether that's the death of a person
or the loss of a relationship, a diagnosis they just got,
or a life that just doesn't look the way they expected,
it is in my humble opinion.
A sacred and beautiful act to reach out to them.
And one of the most popular mediums for doing that in this day
and age is a text message.
People read texts so often.
A lot of people don't respond to phone calls.
These days, email inboxes are tricky to get to people in
or access them amidst all the coupons and the sales
and the things that they're subscribed to, text messages
are wonderful ways to be a supporter to someone who is grieving
because you do not need to overthink it.
You do not need like a block of text
to meaningfully fill up space.
You don't have to think of what to write in sympathy card.
You don't even need a reply, frankly.
All you need in sending a text to a grieving person
is a willingness to witness their pain
without trying to fix it or make it go away.
And this episode is 12 simple texts
that are grouped into three categories inspired by my book
that reflect what grieving people tell me
they need the most.
They go like this.
Number one, category one is validating texts,
validating your pain and grief is real.
I see it with my eyes or I know it with my spirit.
Number two is presence without the pressure to be different.
So companionship, witnessing, accompanying, all these words
we talk about to come alongside grieving people
without rushing them to hurry up.
And the last one, number three is gentle and indirect reminders
that life won't always feel like this
because you can't just go up to a griever or text to griever
and say it won't always be this way
because that feels trite and like ignoring
of the pain that they're currently in.
But to say something like, and we'll get to this
in this season or right now, I can see how x or y is true.
What that time-oriented language does is implies
whether your griever knows it or not
that one day things will be different than they are right now.
And of course, as I mentioned, these three categories
are all inspired by my book, of course, I'm here right now.
Three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving.
So if you are super interested in what I'm talking about
through this episode, if you want even more language
for supporting someone in your life who is grieving,
even if that person is you, be sure to pre-order it
and you can find a link to do that in the show notes.
Okay, let's start with category one.
And this is text messages that validate pain and grief.
This is the, of course, section of texts
because grief can feel overwhelming and overwhelm
just like grows, it intensifies, it gets bigger,
it almost grows legs around the holidays
when there is this pressure to put on a happy face
for the sake of being festive or being cheerful
or being merry or being part of the holiday.
And so these text messages normalize the ache of grief,
the fact that grief exists and offer permission
for your grieving person to feel exactly how they're feeling.
They are a much, much needed alternative
to things like it gets better or everything happens
for a reason or just find yourself aligning,
which often leaves grieving people feeling dismissed
or rush their emotions or like,
total erasure of their grief.
And ultimately these messages say,
of course, this time of year is hard
and it makes sense that you feel what you feel.
So the first text I'll share with you is,
of course, this is hard, the holidays magnify everything.
This text message reminds me of a common phrase
that people use in grief of grief makes you more of who you are.
So if you're anxious before loss,
you become more anxious in grief.
If you're controlling, you become more controlling,
if you're grateful, you might become more grateful
as a result of grief.
And the holidays are kind of similar.
I notice that we become more of ourselves
(laughs)
during the holidays.
And so if you become more of yourself while grieving
and more of yourself during the holidays,
it's like everything ratchets up,
the intensity of everything, the volume dials
are just pushed as high as they can possibly go.
And the lights are brighter, the silence is louder,
the absence of what used to be is bigger.
All of it is, all of it's muchness is amplified.
And so by texting, of course, this is hard.
The holidays magnify everything.
You are letting your grieving friend know
that they're overwhelmed and exhaustion and sensitivity
to the muchness is not all in their head,
which is a thing that grieving people are often told
is just all in your head.
Things are actually harder right now.
And that's a very, very kind thing to say
to someone who's grieving.
Number two, whatever you're feeling this week,
rage, relief, numbness, sadness, it all makes sense to me.
And this is helpful because many grieving people
experience a mix of emotions,
including some that they do not feel allowed to have.
Things like anger or apathy or numbness,
or even moments of joy.
And so this text message validates the full emotional
spectrum in certain emotions of your choice here,
make sure some are quote positive,
some are quote negative rage, relief, numbness, sadness,
and just kind of indicating to your griver,
it turns a little light on that says,
"I'm here for every single emotion that you have."
Okay, number three, I imagine the season
might feel extra tender.
If you're not feeling very merry and bright,
that's okay with me.
And this gives your grieving person permission
to opt out of the forced cheerfulness that is often like,
I don't know, painted over or like resined over everybody
around the holiday season, this expectation
that things be okay and we'd be happy and fine.
And it is Uber helpful if you have insider information
that they are being bombarded by invitations from friends
and family who want them to perform happiness
for the sake of other people.
So if you know that your grieving person has a holiday party
that for whatever reason they can't get out of
or they're taking the kids ice skating with the in-laws
and the in-laws are just insufferable when it comes to grief,
this is a great text to send their way of like,
this season, this event might feel extra tender.
If you're not feeling merry and bright, that is okay.
Even if you are the only person
who kind of holds that pocket of validation or space for them,
it's better than nothing.
This is also a great text message to send to parents
or caregivers who feel pressure to be strong during the holidays
or to create holiday magic for their families.
A lot of parents and caregivers are like,
I cannot collapse, I cannot show my grief,
I cannot appear broken because I am responsible
for others' happiness and joy.
And a lot of times having somebody pop into their text message
in box and say, I imagine this is really hard
if you're not merry and bright, that's okay.
You might be the only person in their life
giving them that permission slip to like,
have a hard holiday and allow that to be real.
Even if they continue with putting the facade on
and doing things for their kids or other family members
that they feel they need to do to make a good holiday,
you can still be a person who holds that validating space for them.
And I know some of your ears perked up
when I use the phrase, I imagine.
And you can check out, I don't remember what episode
is of grief growers.
But it's basically, I can't imagine
what you're going through is not helpful here's why.
And why it actually is helpful to use the phrase,
I imagine that this time of year is hard for you
or that this season feels extra tender,
trying to imagine or put yourself in the shoes
of people who are grieving,
even though you cannot 100% know their experience,
is often a lot more helpful than saying,
oh, I can't imagine what you're going through
'cause that creates distance.
And so to say, I imagine this season's kind of rough
is really helpful when you're grieving
'cause it's like someone's looking at me in understanding
that this is not gonna be an easy time for me.
Okay, number four, the end one of our first four
of validating texts.
I know this season is full of memories
and reminders of what used to be or could have been.
It's not just one loss, it is every version of life
you hoped would be happening right now.
And this text message, oh, to your grief growers
is particularly resonant for people
who are navigating divorce or estrangement
or infatility or chronic illness or political violence.
It honors that grief is not always about a person.
It is also about the life that should have been
but for whatever reason did not get to happen.
So to say, this season is full of memories
and reminders of what used to be
or what was taken away from you.
It's not just the thing that was taken,
it is every version of life that was supposed
to come along with that.
It's such a validating thing for grieving people to hear.
And I guarantee that at least another person in their midst
listens to this podcast, no one else is sending that message
in their direction right now.
So if you can be that person to someone in your family,
friend group, coworker, professional practice
if you're allowed to send text or private messages
as a part of your job, this is a phenomenal way to say,
I know this holiday season does not look like
what you thought it would.
And I'm here for that.
I'm standing by.
Speaking of standing by, let's move into second section
which are text messages that provide presence
without pressure.
Again, the witnessing, the accompanying,
things that we talk about with grieving people all the time
is how do you stand by or or companion
a grieving person without trying to fix anything
or without needing them to reply to you
and give you a whole life update.
These are messages that offer presence
which grieving people consistently say is a thing
that they want the most.
They want this sort of compassionate witnessing
without the added pressure to be better
or happy or different than they are.
And they are different from messages
that are just like thinking of you
or let me know if you need anything
because while these are well intended,
these often place the burden back
onto grieving people to reach out
or to translate the fact that you care
into actually feeling supported.
So these four messages say,
I'm not afraid to be with you in your grief
and I'm gonna keep showing up.
That's a great text message.
There's a bonus one for you.
I'm not afraid to be with you in your grief
and I'll just keep showing up.
That's a great one to send.
That's an add-on for you.
Okay, so here's number one in this section.
No need to respond.
Just wanted you to know
I'm thinking of you and your grief today.
This is very short,
but it is one of my all-time favorite texts to receive
and I received it a lot
from one particular friend named Emily
after my best friend Tammy died.
And I write about it in my book, of course,
I'm here right now as the opening story
and the I'm here section.
And my dear friend Emily sent me messages
like this for months
and she never expected a reply.
She just quietly, just slid,
reached out through the fog of grief
over and over and over again.
It was like, I haven't forgotten about you.
That kind of quiet consistency is really rare.
It's something a lot of people sort of drop off
in the aftermath of loss
and it is also unforgettable.
I have forgotten a lot of people
who showed up for me in the early months,
but I have not forgotten
about Emily and as the person who is sending this message
as the supporter of a griever,
this might seem very small, like almost nothing.
But to the person who is receiving the message,
it means so much.
So if you send no other message from this list
during the holiday season, send this one
before you send anything else.
Okay, number two in this section
is another one of my favorites.
I have not forgotten the fact
that you're grieving insert loss here this holiday season.
So I have not forgotten the fact
that you're grieving your dad this holiday season.
Or I have not forgotten the fact
that you're grieving that a relative was kidnapped
by this holiday season.
I have not forgotten the fact
that you're going through a divorce this holiday season.
I have not forgotten the fact
that you got diagnosed with cancer
and this is your first holiday season with that diagnosis.
This is a simple and direct and honest and present message.
It acknowledges exactly with a very fine point
on it what your griever is mourning
and reminds them that they are not forgotten in their grief
and in a world that preaches move on and get over it.
This sort of sentiment feels like a blessing
and someone else, you, the supporter,
remembers your grieving person's pain
as well as the fact that this holiday season
is likely very saturated with grief
and reminders of grief.
Third one in this section.
If you want company to cry or watch garbage TV
or walk around the park, I am gay.
This text is an offer to spend time together.
So it takes the words and then goes one step further.
If you have the time energy bandwidth to do so
but it is full of small and realistic options with no pressure.
I'm gay for that if you want to do that.
It's not I bought tickets for this thing
or you have to wear this, these itchy tights,
whatever the case may be, itchy tights
are one of my least favorite things to wear
which is why that popped into my brain first.
Or if you must do this and drive to this place, whatever,
it's like if you want to cry,
if you want to watch garbage TV,
if you want to walk around the park, I'm gay.
These are non-time limited, non-ticketed,
non-dressed code for the most part, events.
So for your grieving person,
you need to be sure to substitute your own options,
specifically if you are supporting someone long distance.
So if you're supporting someone long distance,
you might text something like,
if you want me to stay on the phone with you
while you're at presence,
or if you want me to be like a secret out for you
to leave a holiday party,
if you want me to like text you at 8.20
and be like, how's it going?
And you can pretend an emergency happened and leave.
Those are offers you can make from a distance.
Regardless, this text message is one that makes it clear
that you are a welcome place for the messiness of grief
and that your friend does not need to clean up
their emotions or their house for you.
They do not need to wear certain clothes,
they do not need to present a certain way.
You can do all the things that you normally do together,
watch garbage TV walk around the park,
cry together on the couch while eating ice cream.
During the holiday season,
the holidays does not change the fact
that you are interested in spending time with this person
while they are grieving.
And last one number four here is, hey,
I know we haven't talked in a while,
but it's the holidays and grief can be loud as time of year.
Ignore me if you need to, but I'll check on you same time
next week.
This is one I wrote specifically
if you are one of the supporters who dropped off
after the funeral or after the divorce was final
or after the first news of the diagnosis came out.
Because my grieving clients and students in life
after a loss academy often, often, often say,
people stop showing up after a few months.
This message is the antidote to that.
You are promising to check in again and please do.
Removing the pressure to reply
and showing up with steadiness instead of silence.
Especially if you have not reached out to a grieving person
in a long time, the holidays are a really good time
to begin again.
And so if you're like, I haven't talked to them
and forever and it would be awkward to reopen conversation
and you're kind of like spiraling the story in your head
of like, they're gonna ignore me.
They're gonna be mad at me.
Reaching out and saying, hey, it's the holidays.
I know we haven't talked in a minute.
That's on me if you wanna add that.
That's on me for not reaching out,
but saying, I know the holidays are loud.
I'm thinking of you, I'll check in same time next week
and set a reminder to do so.
You can remend the bridge of a relationship
with that one simple text and then continuing to follow up
over and over and over again.
And something that I write about in my second book,
You're Greave Your Way, is especially if you are
supporting a grieving person, keep issuing invitations
to connect, not always invitations to spend time together
because that can be a big tax on a grieving person of like,
you know, what day you come in over
and drop out groceries and you buy tickets
or this thing you have to show up at a certain time,
dress a certain way.
That can be a lot of logistics for grieving brain,
but to keep issuing invitations to connect,
say, no need to respond or ignore me.
If that feels better or I'll keep checking in next week,
but continuing to issue invitations
because especially in the early days of grief,
there's so much sad men, sad administration
that grievers are often doing paperwork,
emotional caretaking, potentially caring for their bodies
and their spirits as well.
A lot of the invitations stop coming
after six months or a year.
And the assumption that grievers have as well,
people think I'm broken now that I'm grieving,
no one wants to spend time with me anymore,
but what's really happened is a lot of supporters
of grievers have gotten the message from the grievers,
like, well, they don't want to spend time with me
because they're busy grieving.
But what needs to happen and what I urge grievers
to do in your grief your way is to ask friends and family
to keep inviting me to things
because one day I'll be able to say yes.
It's not right now and I really can't spare, you know,
an afternoon to do this or morning to do that
or an evening on a weekend to do X, Y, Z,
but please keep asking because one day I will say yes.
And so as the supporter and the person
who's not directly in the center of grief,
we talked about ring theory a few episodes ago
on when we talked about illustrations and metaphors
that are really helpful for grief.
If you are not in the dead center, pun, not intended,
but now intended, if you're not dead center
in the middle of that ring,
the person who's directly experiencing the loss
if you're a few rungs out, see if you can build up
your invitation tolerance and keep issuing invitations
to grieving people to spend time together
or connect or check in once a week, once a month.
However, whatever feels like a good cadence to you,
see if you can go longer.
Let them be the ones to reject you as opposed
to you making the assumption that your grieving person
just does not want to spend time with you
because they're too busy grieving
because one of the biggest, biggest things
that clients and students say to me
and that I experience myself after the death of my mother
and the death of my best friend from COVID
is that people stopped reaching after like a month or two.
And I was really not ready to see people again
or connect in a meaningful way,
but it got really lonely at six months and after
because all the support that I had at the beginning
just faded away and I was like, where did everybody go?
And it felt like I don't know if this is 100% tribute
but it felt like people just got tired of issuing invitations.
And what I really needed was yes invitations,
but with a delay, with a six month delay,
with a year delay of like the year anniversary's past.
Now I really wanna tell stories about her.
Now I have the bandwidth to put on clothes
and meet you at the park or go for coffee
or whatever the case may be.
But see if as a supporter, this is an invitation to you
and I'm kind of taking a rabbit hole tangent here.
But see if you can build up your tolerance
to sending invitations because grieving people do like
to receive them, they just can't always say yes,
especially early in grief.
So see if you can sort of out, out invite them.
If you can keep inviting them to things
and waiting and standing by for them to say yes.
Always light, always light touch, always no pressure, always.
It's okay to cancel or flake out on me
or I just wanna hear from you via text,
let me know if you're good.
It's never, you know, we need to fly across the country
for this big vacate, what have you?
Like don't make the invitations extensive
but just continue to make them.
And I know so, so many grieving people worldwide
would appreciate the fact that you have enough care
for them to do something like that.
Okay, I'm coming off of my invitation soapbox now.
And let's go to section three,
which are text messages that offer gentle yet indirect hope
that things will not always be or feel this hard.
And what I love about this section of four text messages
is that they don't minimize grief or skip ahead
to a silver lining, but what they do do is place
like a cushion, a little surrounding cushion
around the pain of grief and say yes, you feel this now.
I see you, I validate you and it will not feel like this
forever.
You're not saying you'll be fine
and you're not saying look on the bright side,
you have so much to be grateful for.
And there's a very big difference in that.
So here's the first one in this section.
You don't have to feel festive,
you don't have to feel anything.
Just get through this day, hour by hour if you need to.
And this is a supremely survival oriented message
that lowers the bar from Mary and Bright to still breathing.
And it is one of the most compassionate things you can say
and extra helpful if there's a big event like a work party
or holiday gathering, you know your grieving person
has no choice but to attend.
And bonus points, if you go back to the second section
and follow up with them, extend an invitation to connect
in a day or a week to see how they're doing.
And I say connect, connect, over a text,
you can connect over a phone call, you can connect in person,
whatever they have a bandwidth for.
That's what you can tailor your invitation to at this time.
Okay, second one in this section.
Right now it's okay to feel small joy instead of big joy.
I hope today brings you one good thing,
whether that's a nap with the cat,
a positive memory or finding a coin on the ground.
And I wrote this text because grief is all consuming
and many grievers struggle with this belief that
the pain will be exactly like this forever and ever.
And this is specifically true for death related losses
where a person or a pet is in fact gone forever and ever.
This text creates space for small moments of comfort,
small joys without expecting your grieving friend
to be 100% okay right now.
And it is also a gentle way of reminding them
that good can still exist even in hard seasons.
And I encourage you super a lot to customize this text
with two or three things that you know feel good to them.
So maybe they don't have a cat to take a nap with
or maybe finding coins on the ground
is not anything that means anything to them.
I put examples that mean something to me.
I would love to take a nap with the cat during the holidays.
I would love to have a positive memory of my mom
or my friend that I didn't remember that I remembered.
And I love finding coins on the ground.
Those are significant things to me.
But if you know they would love a good cup of coffee
or someone to hold the door for them or I don't know.
Someone to pay it forward at the gas station.
I don't whatever the case may be.
Whatever feels you know them.
You know you're grieving person.
Whatever would feel comforting to them.
Substitute those.
It's okay to feel small and joy instead of big joy.
I hope you experience them something good today.
I wish good things for you.
One, two or three.
I'm thinking of you.
That's a great message to send to a grieving person.
Okay.
Three in this section, you don't have to figure out how to get
through all of the holidays for the rest of your life.
You just have to get through this holiday in this season.
Our job is to tend to what hurts right now.
And we can worry about next year, next year.
This message is super duper grounding for people in active crisis or recent loss.
I'm thinking recent deaths, new diagnoses, fresh breakups,
the strangement, identity shifts, it reminds them kind of by pulling little anchors to the ground
that healing does not and cannot happen all at once.
It happens in pieces over time.
And it's also a reminder that it's okay to scale down the scope of grief, all the grief
for the rest of my life all the time to this holiday in this season.
Instead of looking ahead to the entire rest of their life and another thing that I love
about it and I did this on purpose, I didn't say in this season, your job is to tend to
what hurts right now.
It is in this season, our job is to tend to what hurts right now.
We can worry about next year, next year.
It is this subtle implication that in the midst of all of this, it goes back to the second
section, which is inspired by, I'm here.
I will not abandon you.
The work of healing from grieving is a group effort.
You do it yourself, but you do not have to do it alone.
And that we, I will still be here this time next year, we can worry about next year,
next year.
Big, big, big deal to someone who's grieving.
Do you see how subtle language shifts?
This is the whole premise of, of course, I'm here right now, subtle shifts in your language.
Reassure grieving people that they are not alone, that this will not last forever and that
you can companion them in their grief and validate that their pain exists and that you are
not going to forget about their loss.
You are not going to abandon them this time next year and that it is okay to scale down
what their eyes see.
Grieve can just be this moment instead of trying to figure out or sort out or make a plan
for grieving the entire rest of their lives.
That's a big deal when you're grieving.
I just got to say, it gives me chills to think about.
Okay, let's do the last one in this section and we'll wrap up this episode.
I know this is a bit of a long one.
Thanks for bearing with me.
Number four.
You can skip the holiday cards.
The group text, the New Year's resolutions this year, none of it is mandatory.
It's okay to take a break from this holiday season if that feels good.
And this is, I'm ending on a permission slip.
It is one that subtly points out that most holiday traditions are not required reading.
They are not required activities.
It names out loud this pressure that many grieving people feel to keep up appearances or
do what they've done in years past and gently say, it's okay to do you this year.
The holidays will come and go.
You are on the roller coaster going down the hill.
You are experiencing the tilt.
You are in it.
But you do not have to add on to your plate by tacking on New Year's resolutions, stringing
up the lights, writing holiday cards, taking a photo of the whole family and writing a newsletter
to go with it.
Why do we do this?
It's okay to not attend that party or to wear that sweater or to bake things for that
cookies.
It is okay to opt out of certain activities.
And you can also say just for this year, just for this season, just for the time being,
just on weekends, whatever prepositional phrase gives you a bit of an out.
It's another way language is helpful in this season or just this year.
You can figure out how to do the holidays next year next year when they get here.
But for this year, it truly is holiday activities or mandatory to do what you want to honor your
grief and to tend to yourself beyond that.
It's okay to skip it.
And to be a voice of permission, whether you are in their family group or friend group
or co-worker group or professional, that is a wonderful thing to offer a grieving person,
especially around the holidays.
Truly, anytime of year, like kind of most things are not required.
I think like, yeah, you got to pay your taxes.
Yeah, you have to keep a roof over your head.
Yes, you have to feed yourself and your family.
A lot of other things in life that we assume are required are not.
I worked, okay, I'm going to go down, I'm going to tell one more story and then we'll close
out this episode.
I worked with a student once in life after a loss academy who truly and genuinely had a
revelation when live coaching session because she assumed and put this pressure on herself
with her holiday parties.
If I say yes to the invitation, it means I stay the whole time.
That's just what you do.
It's just a polite thing to do.
She was raised in the Midwest.
She was probably in her mid fifties.
She was grieving the death of her son.
And she's like, it never occurred to me that I could say yes, but then leave within
the first 10 minutes.
Or do a lap around the room and then have claimed to have another party to go to or chore
to do or an errand to run or an emergency to tend to and just say my goodbyes and bow out.
It truly never occurred to me that I could make an appearance and then bounce.
I thought saying yes to a party was saying yes to three and a half hours of talking and
drinking and people asking me questions about my life that I may or may not want to answer
and trying to figure out where my grief fits in a room full of happy people.
And when we relayed that to her myself and the other students in life after lost Academy
if like you can say yes, but you also can leave early, especially if you drove yourself
there or have lived or other rideshare services that can take you home or a D.D. whatever
whatever the case may be.
If you got wheels to go home, yeah, she's like, I don't want to miss the party, but I also
I have no bandwidth.
I have no capacity to stay for three and a half hours.
And we were like, guess what?
You don't have to.
And that was truly game changing for her grief.
And I know that she took that lesson into other elements as well.
I can go to my friend's son's graduation party and stay for 10 minutes.
I can congratulate him, give him his gift.
And as soon as the grief hits that my son should have been graduating to, I can leave.
And we do not, we simply do not have enough places in our society that gives people permission
to opt out of these non mandatory experiences or even challenges the belief that all of
these holiday traditions, all of these parties, all of these social gatherings are mandatory.
It's a real revelation to send a text that says, you can skip doing holiday cards, you can
skip the group text, you can opt out of New Year's resolutions this year, none of it is required.
It's okay to take a break from the holiday season if that feels good.
You will go through the holidays because we all must.
But you decide how much more effort you exert into that process.
And I support you in that.
What a tremendous gift to give to a grieving person.
And what I want to say before we sign off today is that a little text truly does go a long
way.
Every single one of these 12 messages plus the bonus one does what so few people are willing
to do after loss.
They tell the truth, they state reality, they make space for grief to show up.
And they offer presents without pressure to be anything other than what you already are
right now.
I will say that there is no like perfect message that will solve or fix anything, but you
know if you're listening to grief grower that that's not the point.
All of these messages are better than cliches.
They do not erase pain because that's not possible, but they do come alongside it.
They do not rush healing or force it, but they honor it.
They honor the fact that healing is in progress for the grieving person that you are in touch
with this holiday season.
So instead of maybe you're usual, let me know if you need anything or just stay busy
or time heals all or look on the bright side or there's a silver lining to all of this.
Or don't you feel their presence?
I do.
Try.
Of course, this is hard.
That makes sense to me.
No need to respond.
Just thinking of you.
Have it forgotten the fact that you're grieving or in this season, it's okay to take care
of you and your grief and nothing about the holidays other than the fact that you must live
through the days is mandatory.
This season might be full of broken traditions and tender days and heartbreaking reminders
for the grieving person that you care about, but your text message, this tiny little set
of words on a screen, these two sentences in their inbox is a thread of connection and it
is something that can help them feel more tethered to the world at a time when it's really easy
to feel alone and abandoned and adrift.
So my invitation to you, because I will not stop issuing invitations either, is to go ahead
and send the text.
It is not too early or at October 13th right now.
It is not too early to send a text about the holidays, especially for my Canadian folks
who are celebrating Thanksgiving today in Canada, Indigenous People's Day as well.
Then after you send the text today, maybe send another one next week and let me know how
it goes.
Let me know how it goes.
And if you would like more tips on comforting someone who is grieving both during the holidays
and all year, I super encourage you to pre-order my book of course I'm here right now.
This is a short, short guidebook full, like chock full of practical scripts for supporting
someone who is grieving using words as your most free, most accessible tool.
Because in a world where we are often too busy or frankly too broke, to coordinate casserole
drop-offs or help a griever get financially back on their feet, language, words are the
best free way to connect and show care and comfort.
Whether you are doing that in person, IRL or from a distance over text message, over email,
over Skype, over FaceTime, words are our most powerful tool for companioning people who
are grieving in our lives.
Whether we are their friends, their family members, their co-workers, their spiritual teachers,
their grief practitioners or just their neighbors.
They are grieving people in your midst.
Do you want to know what to say to them?
Get this book.
You will find example text messages like these as well as so many other scripts that you can
use to support and companion and comfort their grieving people in your midst.
That's all for this episode of Griefgrower.
If you are looking for grief support beyond this show, you can find free workshops, blog
articles, and my signature, what's your grief support style quiz at shallbeforcithia.com/links.
If you'd like to get support from me for your unique loss experience, join us in life
after loss academy, which is my online course and community.
As a student, I'll walk you through my 5 Step Grief Framework, G-R-I-E-F, for rebuilding
life after loss and you can get live coaching from me every single week to answer your questions.
Replays are always available if you can't attend live.
It is just $33 a month to join or $22 a month if you are marginalized or financially stressed
griver and you are in total control of your membership and can cancel at any time.
If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational, or otherwise helpful to you in
grief, please subscribe and leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
And be sure to share Griefgrower with a friend because you never know what someone you love
is going through.
Griefgrower's hosted by me shall be forcithia with music by Addy Goldstein until next time,
Griefgrower's.
I see you.
I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world.
And I love you.
Because even through Grief, we are growing.
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