But how do you know? How do you know if grief coaching is right for you?
So before you dive in, here are three things to ask yourself that can help you figure out
whether or not grief coaching is your next best step and what your heart actually needs in life after loss.
[Music]
Hi there grief growers and welcome to another episode of the grief grower podcast.
Summer is here at least in the winter and atmosphere and I am so honored
to be sleeveless and here with you today. If you have been growing alongside me for a while,
welcome back and if you are new to me and my work. Hello, my name is Shelby for Scythia,
I am a grief coach two times soon to be three time author and founder of Life after loss academy,
which is an online course in community that has helped dozens of grieving people stop feeling lost,
stuck, broken and alone and start building lives that they genuinely love from the lives that
loss force them to live. This of course not only includes death related losses which most people
think of when they think of grief but also losses like divorce and breakup major diagnosis,
geographic move, pet loss and any other loss that drastically changes your life.
Here on the show and across all of my work we believe that grief is not something to get over,
it is something that we grow with and alongside and that when we stop treating grief like a burden
or a problem to be solved and more like an invitation to live more richly and deeply, we create
meaningful lives with the memories that we carry, with the struggles that we faced and the
preciousness of what it means to be right here right now. This week on the show and through a bit of
the summer I am really delighted to do kind of like a special deep dive series on my online course
Life After Loss Academy. In April I sent out an email to all of my emailists saying hey the world
is changing and things are getting more expensive and people are looking for grief support in new
and different ways and I basically I want your opinion. I want to know what you want from grief
support and after collecting responses from my email list and having people test drive this new
version of Life After Loss Academy with me and for me. People basically said I want things to be more
affordable. I want a monthly subscription instead of a larger payment. I want to get the heck off
of Facebook which is where I was hosting a lot of my grief coaching groups for a while and I want
it to feel like it is an ad-free sacred community space where I can not only access on-demand tools
and video lessons for working through my grief but I can also get live support and teaching from you.
That is something that I get a lot out of and so I have consolidated my entire course Life After
Loss Academy which is kind of the cornerstone of everything that I do all into one place on this
new platform that is not Facebook and reduce the price. Made it a monthly subscription so if you
were interested in joining us in Life After Loss Academy in a world where everything is getting
more expensive grief support is now getting cheaper which is incredible and I'm really really proud
of it. It's also getting more accessible so if you are a buy-pot griever and LGBTQ+ griever a disabled
griever or someone facing financial hardship there is a reduced membership rate just for you. You
can join us at shallbeforsethea.com/life-after-loss-academy and I know that's a fair bit to type in so I'm
going to put it in the show notes for this episode as well but before you go there and sign up I will
tell you that there is a one month free trial that's good between now and the end of August if you
use the code grief grower so you can join the group you can see what it's all about you can attend
for coaching calls with me and and have your questions answered you can introduce yourself to a
group you could start working through some of the lessons and see if this is a good fit for your
grief it is like a free trial of grief support in a world where things like that are hard to come by
and I just hope that this is this meets exactly what you're looking for in your grief and that kind
of segues me into what I want to talk about today kind of what I'm going to keep talking about
throughout the summer I'm going to do many deep dives into different sections and segments of
life after loss academy kind of like the greatest hits of the course so you can really get an in-depth
look at what it's like to learn from me some of the lessons and the most popular things that I
teach inside the course but also what it's like to have some of grief's greatest questions answered
like how do I actually rebuild life after loss or today's topic how do I know if I'm ready for
grief coaching so let's jump in today I want to cover three questions that you should ask yourself
I don't do sheds often in grief but I will for this episodes three questions worth asking yourself
before you pursue signing up for life after loss academy getting one-on-one grief support
from a coach or even a therapist somebody else in this space before diving into grief coaching what
should you inventory for yourself because you've experienced a devastating loss this is true whether
again a death divorce a diagnosis another life changing loss your sense of safety identity normalcy
direction where the heck am I going has been shaken off of its foundation and the big question
that you probably have in your brain I have this too with my mom died again when my best friend died
what now where do I go from here and you may have heard about grief coaching from a friend or a
therapist or stranger on the internet who mentioned that it was helpful you may never have heard
of grief coaching before you may be familiar with grief support groups or grief therapists but never
grief coaching and you're curious about what support looks like beyond casseroles or cliches or
a therapist's couch or maybe you're tired of feeling stuck and wondering if there is a way through
loss other than society's prescriptions which are usually stay busy or just get over it or move on
already to be clear when you're looking for grief coaching you are not looking for someone to fix
you you are looking for something or someone to guide you through the overwhelm and disorientation
someone who's just one or two steps ahead of you on the path with a lantern saying it's okay
I'm with you this way and you're also looking for some sense that healing is possible
even when you know without a shadow of it out that loss has changed things permanently nothing
will ever be the same again grief coaching is something that can give you space to process your
emotions and kind of that one or two steps ahead guidance through the weirdness and through the
exhaustion of life after loss but also small and practical life problem pocket size tools
that help you take your next steps forward after any sort of devastating loss but how do you know
how do you know if grief coaching is right for you so before you dive in here are three things to
ask yourself that can help you figure out whether or not grief coaching is your next best step
and what your heart actually needs in life after loss okay number one am I feeling stuck in my grief
and am I ready for something to shift I know this is kind of like two questions sandwiched into one
but I will say the reason I ask it in this way is because the pain point I hear most often from
grieving people is not I'm sad or I'm angry or I'm so heartbroken it's I'm stuck so are you feeling
stuck in grief and are you ready for something to shift in 2023 and again in 2024 I surveyed more
than 100 grieving people about their losses and over 55% of grievers said stuck was their biggest
pain point in life after loss and you can read about that on my blog here's some examples of what
that sounds like that see if this sounds like you I feel like I'm spinning in circles I know I'm not
where I used to be that I know for sure but I have no idea where I'm going I have no idea what's
next to me I cannot figure out how to move forward without leaving my loved ones behind and this is
a pressure that society often puts on grieving people is if you're going to move forward you have to
leave everyone you love and all of your losses back there if any of the sounds familiar you are
absolutely not alone and you're also not broken feeling stuck in place or kind of one of my clients
called it frozen mode feeling stuck in frozen mode is a normal part of grief especially in a world
that expects you to bounce back or move on really really really quickly like within a month
within that first year after a loss but something I learned after my mom's death and something I
share with my grieving clients that I work with in life after loss academy and beyond stuck does not
equal powerless I'm going to say it one more time stuck does not equal powerless and the cool thing
about grief coaching is that it's not about fixing you so you're never stuck again it's about
showing you where your power lies even in the midst of grief it's about giving you tools
and structure and compassionate guidance inside this experience of stuckness so that you can start
to move forward in the ways that feel best to you for one of my life after loss academy students
made to Aaya this looked like beginning to picture grief as a well-meaning companion instead of
as a burden that was dragging her down she left a comment in the group that said what you said
just resonated with me she'll be sometimes I always come here with the idea of I hate my grief
and then I leave with the idea of no grief is my little sidekick that actually means well and
these reframes and shifts are things that we do inside life after loss academy we openly in this group
talk about defining what exactly does stuckness mean to you because through the years I have learned
that stuck means different things to different grievers and then when we pinpoint what stuck means to
you I can help you use what I call my five step grief method g-r-i-e-f to move through this
experience of stuckness you are not forced to let go of your loss or get over it instead you learn
how to build a life in tandem with your grief grief is your little sidekick that really means well
in a way that feels aligned with your heart and your energy levels and whatever your goals are
for yourself and if your hackles just went up when I said goals for yourself if you don't know what
your goals for yourself are yet we talk about that too as a part of grief coaching when it comes to
getting coaching around grief what matters most is that you have the desire for your current
circumstances to change some students in my course say they want to feel more peace or more power
inside of their grief there's kind of these ambiguous goals that they have other people want to do
really practical things like create memorial altars in their homes or set firm but kind boundaries
with unsupported friends or find meaning again in a way that helps them move forward in life after
loss academy whatever your goals for your life after loss are they all belong there is room for all
of them and even if you don't know what they are something that grief coaching can do for you too
can help you pinpoint what they are so this first question are you feeling stuck and are you feeling
called or motivated for things to change that's a really good first question when it comes to
getting grief support okay the next one I want to talk about is number two am I open to receiving
feedback tools and compassionate support because grief can be really destabilizing it really changes
your life and after a major loss a lot of times the last thing you might want to do is have someone
tell you what to do and this is a misconception about grief support groups grief therapy even
meeting with like a spiritual director whether it's a church or synagogue or mosque or hiring
your grief coach a lot of people are afraid of I'm going to sit across from this person or I'm
going to sign up for this online thing and somebody is going to tell me what I should be doing with my
life or where I should be going because so much of the rest of the world your platitudes through
cliches through actions or by totally ignoring you is sending you the message you need to get over
it you need to move on you need to stay busy time heals all and your emotions or your grief is too
much or unproductive or whatever other story that society and the world around you is telling you
but that is not what grief coaching is about grief coaching is about getting support that's active
support that's thoughtful and strategic and personalized to you it's kind of like having somebody
sitting next to you at a desk or really big dining room table and co-drawing out a map of if not
your ultimate goal because you may not know what that is and grief see question one you might not
know what that is yet kind of some next steps or some possible paths or some possible options to take
grief coaching is about getting the tools and the support that you need to navigate everything
that feels hard for you and grief from the disorientation of the early days where do I start if I have to do
a lot of administrative tasks what what if my favorite grief author starting then called sadman
I've got to be a said administrator of estate papers or money or legal things all the way to
navigating awkward family dynamics at the holidays a grief coach can help you do all of those
things so the question is here phrased another way question two is are you open to being gently guided
offered feedback or perspective or practical strategies that can help you carry your grief
in a way that feels less heavy so here's kind of to root this into the ground what that looks like in
practice you might be invited to write letters or track your emotions or to build rituals
you might be asked to consider using reframes or metaphors that challenge how you currently see
grief you might be encouraged to set boundaries with people who are committed to misunderstanding you
and there can be a lot of those in the aftermath of loss and something I do in life after loss
academy quite a fair bit especially as you get later on in the course is ask you or urge you to
experiment with different possible paths or different possible meanings for your future we get to
this place of what does my grief mean is there a purpose to all this and I ask you to try a few
things on some things may metaphorically taste good to you some things may taste bitter and you're like
I don't want my loss to mean that and good news you don't have to you get to decide where you're
going and what this means to you but trying on those different things is part of receiving grief
coaching you're surveying and experimenting with possible paths for your life after loss with a
guide who's been in your shoes in some capacity before or has been in the shoes or alongside many
griefers and can see things like patterns things like common language things like common stories
that get you stuck and the neat thing about grief coaching tools is that none of them are
prescriptive they're not should they are all options kind of a buffet laid out for you to choose
from in your grief and each tool and each question and every exercise and metaphor and reframe
these things are all designed to help you return to yourself and feel more like you and feel connected
to your losses in ways that feel healing to you and if it doesn't feel healing to you one of the
coolest parts about being a grief coach is when somebody says that's not going to work for me great
let's pivot to something different because the last thing I want to do and what any other
group coach worth their salt would do is to say let's force you into methods or exercises or ways
of healing that do not resonate because that is not healing that is further traumatizing at a time
when you are already big tea or a little tea traumatized I will say one of my favorite testimonials
I ever got in life after loss academy was just a comment back when we read the group on Facebook
from a student named Kim and she'd been in life after loss academy for several weeks
we're talking like seven to twelve weeks and she simply wrote I feel like I have come home to myself
and this is was at the time so like affirming to my heart and so profound to my spirit of like
this is the transformation that happens when you work with a grief coach this is what happens
when you're working with a grief coach you're not figuring out how to grow a garden or how to make
more money or how to cook a perfect crembrula or how to perfect a taekwondo skill you are figuring
out how to navigate life after loss again in a way that helps you feel more whole and less broken
and to receive the words I feel like I have come home to myself from someone after two three months
in my course that was the validation that I was like we are on the right track here and something
profound is happening for the students who are following these steps and another thing I love about
life after loss academy is that when you are going through these steps you're not doing it alone
you do it with a community of other grieving people who get it so they're not the unhelpful people
that need boundaries and you're also doing it with a coach me who meets you on this road of grief
however whatever metaphor you'd like to use for it with compassion and curiosity and non-judgment
and genuine interest for you and your losses you can certainly watch the lessons and do the
worksheets and the exercises on whatever schedule you choose but regardless there's no such thing
as fending for yourself and that is a really comforting thing to hear in life after loss because
you may have experienced your loss alone we grieve individually grief is universal but we grieve
individually but you can heal from grief in community okay so let's get to the last question
here this is one that's just really practical and I'm kind of asking everybody in my life this question
right now regardless of if it's about grief coaching but in the context of grief coaching it is
worth asking do I have the time energy and emotional bandwidth to engage with my grief right now
this is not about whether you're strong enough to handle things or whether you're doing grief right
this is about capacity which is something can be really limited after loss because grief is
exhausting and if you are also parenting or caregiving or working full time or managing other people's
needs or dealing with financial stressors of some kind or just trying to get through the day without
crying in the grocery store it makes sense that you might not feel up to doing anything else right
now even if that something even if that anything could help you and grief coaching and life after
loss academy which is where I coach kind of on-mass it does not require you to show up perfectly you
don't have to show up every week and there's no attendance taken you can work for the lessons at your
own time I have a few students who metaphorically say I fall off the wagon and so they come back and
return to the lessons over and over again and that's something they enjoy doing as they experience
new losses in their life or sometimes they'll take a break for like the holiday season and then
return again in January it's really self-paced and you can the invitation the doors open to you at
any time but I will say that grief coaching from anyone and within life after loss academy requires
some measure of time and energy and willingness to participate you don't have to be ready and this
is a big kind of star highlighter here you do not have to be ready in the conventional sense like
I'm ready to go I am ready to have this adventure because we are never really ready
we are never really fully prepared to like do the hard and hard work of grief but you do need
to be open to the idea that you matter and your grief matters and that your healing is worth
making space for and that you genuinely have the time and space and energy to do it and to be clear
making space might mean for you doing grief exploring exercises for half an hour a week on your
live break it might mean listening to video lessons at 2am when you can't sleep because grief and
it's on me often go hand in hand it might mean crying through a live coaching call from me or from
any other grief coach that you work with because you finally heard somebody say out loud something
that you have been carrying alone in silence this is a comment from Claire who is a student in life
after loss academy and she says I feel myself resisting the tears but when I give into them there is
a sense of being relieved from grief even temporarily and the cool thing about life after loss academy
and especially getting grief coaching in a community is that it just gives you permission and a space
to put things like tears that offer you relief from grief or space to express your emotions or a
space to ask questions without the judgment of friends and family who simply do not get it or a place
to kind of fall apart and then be compassionately witnessed as you come back together and something
that I tell people who are interested in working with me like prospective coaching clients is if you
have time to wonder or ponder how your grief might be different you have time for grief coaching
because thinking about the future is a sign that your brain is already considering small changes
and next steps which are both things that a grief coach can absolutely help you with it is a
subtle shift from how do I get through this day to how am I going to navigate the next weeks
months and even years ahead once your brain kind of shift clicks into that mode if not just how do I
survive the next minutes and hours to how do I survive the next days weeks months and years that
is a really loud symbol for me that you are ready to work with a grief coach. I do want to address
though what happens if you're not ready yet so if your answer to one or more of these questions is
no I have to tell you that's okay that really is genuinely okay I know I'm a grief coach I know I'm
a person with an online program and community where I'm coaching every single week I know I'm for
lack of better phrasing selling you something with this invitation to join life after loss academy
but if you are genuinely not ready for grief coaching right now it is really okay and I do not want
you to seek it out in this season in this moment and it also does not mean you're failing at grief
or doing grief wrong it just means that you're still in a space where you're finding your footing
grief coaching is not the next right step for you right now we all know and we've done episodes
of grief grower on this before that grief is a lifetime relationship it is a long haul experience
there will be times of year seasons where the idea of grief coaching feels like too much to handle
and that is completely valid you can come back to it when you have more space or time or energy
or capacity or your circumstances of life change sometimes part of healing from grief is just
weighing it out until you have the time to heal from it but I will say if there is any part of
you that answered yes to one or more of these questions then it might be time for you to move
through your grief with a grief coach this is the part where I tell you if you are ready to get
unstuck if stuck is kind of like your number one experience in grief right now life after loss
academy might be your next best space your next best step your next best pursuit in life after
loss because it is for grieving people who have kind of made that click shift from how do I survive
today to what about the entire rest of my life it is for people who want both real time support
from a grief coach you are truly as well as tools that you can put in your pocket and carry with
you in the day today it's for grievers who want both community and space to be seen and witnessed
and actionable coaching and for people who want to build a life that includes their grief
and the possibility of joy and the definite reality that you're going to have some kind of
future so what are you going to build inside of it so inside life after loss academy you will learn
how to get grounded when life feels unstable you will then learn how to release heavy emotions
like sadness anger guilt despair these are kind of like the big four that many grieving students come
to me with so I've got lessons on each of them I'll show you how to integrate your losses and
meaningful ways whether you've lost someone to death or you've experienced another non-death type of
loss I'll show you this is my favorite part how to establish healthy boundaries with people who are
not supportive will get into scripts and tips and language for how to request people behave differently
towards you and talk differently towards you in life after loss and how to set boundaries
with people who prove over and over again that they can't be there for you I also show you how to
find your grief allies though I don't want to bum you out entirely how to notice which people in
your life might be the safest recipients of your grief so you can create like a little community
for yourself IRL and I will also show you how to foster a lifetime relationship with your grief that
includes hope joy purpose and peace these are kind of like the big four of what grieving people want
and ask for and set as goals for themselves I want to feel peace I want to feel purpose or meaning
I want to have hope again or I want to feel joy or happiness if you're tired a feeling stuck in
your grief alone in your grief or like you're doing grief wrong and if you are also in a space where
you want structure and support in a community of people who understand then life after loss academy
is a really really good next step for you you can learn more about becoming a student and read more
testimonials from students in the course at the link in the show notes for this episode I will say
as we're closing out there is no perfect way to grieve and there is also no perfect time to start
grief coaching but these three questions these three key questions can help you tune into what your
grief really means in this season and whether your answer is yes or no or maybe know this you're
allowed to take your time you're allowed to shop around you are also allowed to want more for
yourself than whatever grief experience you're living right now and when you are ready to get support
I will be here I would be honored to help you grow alongside your grief instead of struggling to
as society says get over it and lastly if you are kind of on the fence even after all these questions
about whether or not life after loss academy is right for you I have made a tiny little mini quiz
that asks you about seven more questions to see if life after loss academy is a good fit
for your next steps in life after loss and you can also find the link to that quiz in the show notes
for this episode that's all for this episode of grief grower thank you so very much for joining me today
if you're looking for grief support beyond this show you can find free workshops blog articles and
my signature what's your grief support style quiz at shall be for city.com/links and if you'd like to
get even deeper support from me for your unique loss experience join us in life after loss academy
my online course in community as a student I will walk you through my five step grief framework
for rebuilding after loss and you can get live coaching from me every single week to answer your
questions replays are always available if you can't attend live and life after loss academy is
just $33 a month to join or $22 a month if you're marginalized or financially stressed riever you can
cancel your membership at any time now through august 31st you can try one month of life after
loss academy absolutely free with the code grief grower all one word you can find a link to do that
in the show notes grief grower is hosted by me shall be for syphia and the theme music is composed
by adi goldstein until next time i see you i am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in
the world and i love you because even through grief we are growing