I believe I know for sure that words are one of the most helpful tools that we have to
support someone who's grieving.
Not because words magically take away pain, not because there's like a woo-woo phrase that
takes all your heartbreak away, but because words have the power to help grieving people
feel seen and accompanied and comforted in the middle of something unbearable.
[Music]
Hi there grief growers, I am so grateful to be here with you today, as always.
If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back, and if you are
new to me and my work, hello.
My name is Shelby Fersethea, I am a grief coach, a three-time author and the founder of life
after loss academy, and I have had the joy of helping thousands of grieving people stop
feeling lost, stuck, broken, and alone in their grief, and start building lives that they
genuinely love from the lives that lost forced them to live.
Here on Griefgrower we know that that not only includes death-related losses, but also losses
like divorce and break up, major diagnosis, and any other significant transition that changes
your life.
We all believe here that grief is not something we get over, it is something that we grow
with and alongside and that when we stop treating grief like a problem to be solved, and we
start treating it like an invitation to live more deeply.
We create meaningful lives that are rich with the memories that we carry, the struggles
that we faced, and the precious awareness of what it is to be right here, right now.
Before we get into today's episode, which is number eight in my supporting someone series,
a reminder that release day for my third book, of course I'm here right now, three actually
helpful things to say to someone grieving, is coming up March 31st.
This little guidebook, it is so thin, teaches you how to support a grieving person in your
life with the best free grief support tool that any of us has, and that is our words, so
that you will never enter another conversation with someone who's grieving wondering, what
on earth do I say to comfort them?
As an author, you know that pre-orders are super helpful when it comes to getting the
book seen by the marketing powers that be, so you can find a link to order the book in
the show notes.
If you have already ordered your copy, thank you so much.
You can submit your receipt number from Bookshop, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, your local indie
bookstore, Audible, Libro, FM, wherever you got the book from on my website to access
the free six week book club where we will read the entirety of, of course I'm here right
now and discuss it together as a group.
This private free book club kicks off April 15th, so make sure you have the book in your
hands, on your Kindle, on your device, in your ears, before then.
And this is your last call to do so to celebrate the launch of this book with me.
I'm hosting two launch parties that I would love you to attend.
The first one is taking place, the eve before the book comes out on March 30th in Chicago.
The second one is the day the book comes out March 31st on YouTube so that no matter where
in the world you live, you can tune in to hear more about the clients and students and interactions
that inspired this little grief book about what to say, plus hear me read some excerpts
live.
And of course, the replay of that virtual event will be available the next day if you can't
attend live.
You can save your spot for both of these book launch events at the link in the show notes.
The next topic is the thesis of, of course, I'm here right now.
And it is what to say to someone grieving, why words matter more than you think.
And this is so inspired by the first couple of chapters of the book where I talk about
these circumstances, these situations where someone has brought you a grief story and
now it is on you to know what to say.
Because when someone that we care about is grieving, there are a ton of like micro moments
that feel loaded with the pressure of what to say that the onus is on you to have the
words.
So picture this, these moments tend to go something like this.
A friend, a family member, a coworker, a neighbor just told you something heartbreaking.
A person died or relationship ended or a diagnosis changed everything or a future that they were
counting on is gone.
And now it is your turn to speak.
And in, of course, I'm here right now, I say it's almost as if this person has placed their
heart onto an invisible table between the two of you and now you feel the tension and
the anxiety of deciding what to say next.
And if you've ever been in that moment and felt your mind go blank like ever for a four
message, you are not alone.
So many people want to support someone who's grieving and have no idea what to say.
They worry they will offend the person.
They worry that they will make things worse or they worry that they'll get pulled into
emotionally deep conversation that they do not know how to handle the depths of these
are all such common anxieties and underneath all of these like swirling worries is a very
human question.
And that is what do I say to someone who is grieving?
This is one of the most common grief related questions that people type into Google and for
good reason.
We know innately intuitively that words effing matter.
We can feel that they matter.
But many of us have never been taught how to use words when someone we care about is hurting.
In more than 13 years of grieving and 10 years of supporting people through loss, I believe
I know for sure that words are one of the most helpful tools that we have to support someone
who's grieving.
Not because words magically take away pain.
Not because there's like a woo-woo phrase that takes all your heart break away.
But because words have the power to help grieving people feel seen and accompanied and comforted
in the middle of something unbearable.
So in this episode today I want to talk about the impact of words all by themselves when
grief is in the room.
I want to start with why it's so hard to know what to say to someone who's grieving.
Because most of us have had the experience of wanting to show up for someone but not knowing
how, not knowing what to say.
And here's the thing, you genuinely care.
You want to be kind and supportive.
You are doing your best with the information that you have, perhaps even based on your own
grief experience.
But when loss rolls through steam rolls through flatten someone you care about's life, everything
suddenly feels really high stakes.
You might hear yourself reaching for something familiar like "I'm so sorry for your loss"
or "I can't imagine" or "let me know if you need anything."
And you still leave the interaction wondering whether those words actually helped, whether
they actually made an impact.
And in, of course, I'm here right now, three actually helpful things to say to someone
grieving "I write" in the face of loss.
We are all at a loss for words.
If you are struggling to find words that feel right enough for the situation that you're
in, it does not mean that there is something wrong with you.
It means that you intuitively and rightly sense that grief is tender territory, and most
of us, many of us, have not had much practice being there for someone we care about, outloud,
or overtext, whatever medium you are sharing your words.
And here's why so many of us underestimate the power of words.
The biggest problem to me, this is one of the big problems, is that our culture, our society
has given us so many mixed messages about language.
We are told that words don't matter that much.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me as if language doesn't
have power to cause pain.
But our lives tell a different story.
And of course, I'm here right now, I say that words can hurt because words have the ability
to change our reality.
And if words can intensify shame and distance and pain, then words can also support belonging
and validation and care.
Still, most people never receive any real guidance on how to talk about grief with someone
who's experienced a loss.
We learn how to, in school, we learn how to read and write.
We learn how to be productive.
We learn how to perform competence, but we do not buy in large, learn how to respond
with empathy and care when someone says my person died, or I'm not okay, or my whole life
is changed forever.
What I want to get through in this part of the show is that this is not a personal failure.
This is a societal, cultural, communal gap.
This is one that I am on a mission to close, not by giving people a script for every possible
situation, but by helping you realize that words can be a part of real, meaningful comfort.
And this is why this topic matters so much to me.
Generally, people do not ask, what do I say to someone grieving because they're casually
curious?
They don't just want to script.
They're like a backpack pocket and just whip out anytime.
People are asking this question, what do I say to someone who's grieving, Googling it in
the dark of the night, because they care really deeply and they do not want to be a reason
that their grieving friend or family member feels worse.
In other words, the sentiment behind the question, what do I say to someone who's grieving is
not, I want to make them feel better.
It is, I do not want to be the source of further pain.
And this is a really important distinction because it tells us that this is not about us
wanting to be polished or elegant or even cheer someone up.
It's about us wanting to be careful with someone's heart that has been laid on the table
between us at a crucial moment of their lives.
The saddest part when it comes to words and grief support is that most people say nothing.
Or they say something that shuts down a grieving person.
By and large when people do not know what to say, one of two things happen.
They either reach for a cliche, everything happens for a reason God need another angel
time heals all.
Or they go radio silence.
Sometimes that silence is literal silence, radio silence, like the story of one of my
clients whose best friend of more than 20 years attended her mom's funeral and then
never spoke to her again and she still has no idea why.
But sometimes silence is a kind of avoidance.
It looks like changing the subject or moving the conversation along or offering a quick
like thinking of you.
Yep, that's true.
Before stepping back from the conversation, sometimes silencing or avoiding is a platitude.
Everything happens for a reason.
God never gives you more than you can handle.
Look on the bright side.
There's all a meaning for this.
And all of those things land with a fud in the heart of your grieving friend instead of
offering real comfort.
And what's troubling is that a lot of grief supporters, friends and family members say
it was just one thing I said.
It was just a mistake.
It was just a platitude.
It shouldn't be such a big deal.
While these moments of attempted grief support might seem small to you as a supporter, it
might feel like one phrase said in passing.
These words can have a large and lasting impact on the griever that you're trying to support.
And of course, I'm here right now.
I write, "Your grieving person's pain, which is already unbearable, collides with indifference,
ignorance, judgment or shame compounding the hurt that they feel.
And this collision with your words matters."
What you say teaches grieving people in a split second.
What is and isn't safe to say in your presence?
It shapes whether or not they open up to you again and again in the future.
And it affects whether your relationship deepens or becomes just a place or a relationship
where things are surface level.
In my book, I call this the suffering to shut down phenomenon.
When suffering to shut down occurs, grieving people silo their pain away from view and they
no longer reach out for support when they need it.
Suffering to shut down.
That is one of the biggest reasons that I care so much about grief and language because
the words that we use to try to comfort someone, they're not just space fillers.
They set the tone of our relationship with them.
They tell someone, "This is a safe place to share your pain," or "This isn't the place
for that."
And when someone is grieving how you define the space of your relationship with words is
everything.
And if you are a doubting Deborah, listening to the show, watching this on YouTube, I
don't know why you'd be here still.
But if you're wondering, like, do words actually help someone who's grieving?
I want to offer you these examples.
Many of us, including those of us who have grieved before, hold this idea or this notion
or belief that grief is too big for words.
That heartbreak is such a profound experience that language cannot really touch it.
But in, of course, I'm here right now.
I argue that words literally define the world that we live in.
Going back to sticks and stones, I talk about in the book how we know this from our own
lives.
We remember the sentence from a parent or a guardian or a teacher that made us feel ashamed,
and we carry that shame with us to this day.
We remember the sentence from a friend or family member that made us feel chosen, understood,
encouraged, or loved.
We hold and carry words with us across the span of our lives sometimes for decades.
And beyond just our personal experiences with words of friends and family and teachers
and parents and coworkers, we use words to define our laws, our businesses, our spiritual
practices, or politics, our societies.
And if words can wound us for years, surely they can comfort us for years as well.
Words are wildly important, and grief is no exception.
See if this bit from, of course, I'm here right now resonates with you.
Words have power, and they have some of their greatest power in the moments when someone
you care about is grieving.
Said another way, words are one of the fastest, clearest ways we communicate presence and care.
They are one of the main ways we say, "I am here with you.
I am not running from this.
You do not have to be alone with it for these next few minutes."
Words have an impact far beyond the moment that they are said.
Comforting words after loss can stick with grieving people for a lifetime.
We just did an episode on this about the scrabble structure, the six roles that words play
in supporting someone who's grieving.
It's in, of course, I'm here right now.
You can listen for free on GriefGore.
You can watch it on YouTube.
What I will say is that you don't need perfect words to support someone who's grieving.
You need honest and grounded ones.
So many people who are adjacent to someone grieving, delay reaching out or do not reach out at
all because they believe they need to say something that's profound.
They are waiting for the exact right sentence or sentiment that feels like the wrap-up to
the end of a movie.
They are waiting for something that feels wise enough or gentle enough or helpful enough.
And in the meantime, while they wait for those magical words to pop into their brains,
they say nothing at all.
And that is what hurts the most.
What Grievous wants you to know is that they do not need perfection.
They need sincerity.
They need steadiness.
They need you to care enough to try.
And they need to feel that someone is willing to stay in their grief with them without flinching.
In the book I write, you do not need a formal education or lived experience with grief to
support someone who's deep in the throws of loss.
You just need a willingness to show up, be present, truly listen, and offer comforting language
when it's appropriate.
In other words, you do not need to be brilliant.
This does not need to be your best work.
You do not need to rescue a grieving person from their pain.
You do not need to be a therapist, and you do not have to have gone through the exact same
thing in order to comfort a griever.
You just need to be willing to show up and use words in a way that does not rush or bypass
or minimize or tidy up your grieving friend's grief.
That mindset shift alone can change the entire feel of your interaction with them, of your
relationship together.
Words do not have the power to fix grief.
They can help you and your grieving person carry it.
And that's why I want to be really clear here.
I'm not saying words are powerful because they make a grief disappear or go away.
They don't and they can't.
Words don't have the power to undo death.
Betrayal diagnosis, is changement heartbreak.
They do not wrap loss up in a neat little bow.
They do not create closure.
They do not return someone to the life they had before.
Words do not have those powers.
What words do have is the power to make grief more bearable for a moment.
To create connection where there might otherwise be shut down or silence and to help someone
feel understood and seen and cared about instead of alone.
And of course I'm here right now, I write, the goal of comforting is not to make yourself
or grieving person feel better.
It is to find all of the minuscule ways you can be strong together to comfort each other
as you pick your slow and steady way through the darkness of grief.
That is the flavor of grief support that I believe in and it's the kind that I teach
in the book.
It is not polished or performative.
It's not the end of a movie and it is definitely not focused on fixing your grieving
person's experience.
It is just you using your words with enough care and tact that your grieving friend feels
less crazy, less alone and suffering.
Here are just a few helpful scripts that actually support someone who's grieving.
In the book I teach but grievers tell themselves three painful stories.
The stories are, I'm crazy, I'm alone, my life will be like this forever.
We've talked about this on other episodes of grief grower.
And in the book I underline why these stories are true for them based on what society teaches
us about grief.
And basically the thing I want you to take away is that the most helpful things you can say
are statements of emotional validation, presence and context.
Of course I'm here right now.
It's literally the title of the book.
Each of these phrases offsense the pain of each of those three stories.
These are some of my grieving clients favorite statements, favorite phrases, but you can find
so, so many more and why they work and exercises to do them with your griver in the book.
Here's a few.
Of course your insert emotion here, sad.
You're grieving.
Right now this is a really tough thing that you're going through.
I haven't forgotten about your loss or haven't forgotten that you're grieving.
You have lost so much you will not lose me.
Even if I can't understand completely I'm here.
I can see how hard you're trying in this season.
Notice how not one of these phrases tries to make meaning or force a grieving person into
a shiny positive future.
They are grounded in the moment and affirm exactly what your grieving friend is dealing
with right now.
This is what it looks like and sounds like to offer true comfort in the face of overwhelming
grief.
What I need you to know and what I hope that you have heard in the weeks that we've
done the supporting someone series on grief grower on YouTube and in the lead up to the
release of of course I'm here right now is that your words can change a griever's world.
When it comes to supporting someone you care about after a loss or a heartbreak your words
matter.
You know it because you're out here googling it and your grieving person knows it because
they're living it.
And in a society that's committed to making griever's feel weird or abnormal for grieving and
like the world has moved on without them your words can show that you care that you have
not forgotten about their loss and that you will be with them for the long haul as a supporter
and that is a crap load of payoff for just a few words.
Simply put words are the best free grief support tool that any of us has to support someone
who is grieving.
If you would like to learn the words that actually helped the next step is simple.
Please order my book of course I'm here right now three actually helpful things to say to
someone grieving it is available in hard back in ebook in audiobook formats whatever resonates
the most with you.
I wrote this book for the moments when someone shares something heartbreaking with you or
you know that they are grieving and you want to respond with more than a cliche or more
than I'm sorry for your loss or more than my condolences.
I wrote it for friends family members co-workers helping professionals griebers supporting
other grievers I wrote it because so many of us care so deeply and still feel like we do
not know what to say.
Inside this book I will help you understand why words matter so much in grief what makes
certain phrases land and others fall flat and how to use comforting language in a way
that helps people feel seen supported and less alone.
If you have ever wondered what to say to support someone grieving this book of course I'm
here right now is your place to start and you can find a link to get this book in the show
notes for this episode.
I hope you take away today the power of words and grief words all by themselves.
You do not need to spend money you do not need to be a therapist you do not need to be the
most emotionally intelligent person in the world you simply have to say something and this
is what to say to someone you care about who is grieving.
That's all for this episode of Grief Grower.
Thank you so very much for joining me today.
If you're looking for grief support beyond this show you can find free workshops blog articles
and my new what's your grief supporter's strength quiz at shall be for SITIA.com/links.
And if you'd like to get support from me for your unique loss experience join us in
life after loss academy my online course in community.
As a student I'll walk you through my five step grief framework for rebuilding after loss
and you can get live coaching from me every single week to answer your questions.
Replays are always available if you can to 10 live.
It's just $33 a month to join or $22 a month if you were marginalized or financially stressed
griver.
You can cancel it anytime.
If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational or otherwise helpful to you please
subscribe and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
And be sure to share Grief Grower with a friend because you never know what someone you
love is going through.
Grief Grower's hosted by me shall be for SITIA with theme music by Addy Goldstein.
Until next time grief growers I see you.
I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world and I love you because
even through grief we are growing.
[Music]