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I believe I know for sure that words are one of the most helpful tools that we have to

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support someone who's grieving.

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Not because words magically take away pain, not because there's like a woo-woo phrase that

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takes all your heartbreak away, but because words have the power to help grieving people

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feel seen and accompanied and comforted in the middle of something unbearable.

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[Music]

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Hi there grief growers, I am so grateful to be here with you today, as always.

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If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back, and if you are

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new to me and my work, hello.

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My name is Shelby Fersethea, I am a grief coach, a three-time author and the founder of life

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after loss academy, and I have had the joy of helping thousands of grieving people stop

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feeling lost, stuck, broken, and alone in their grief, and start building lives that they

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genuinely love from the lives that lost forced them to live.

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Here on Griefgrower we know that that not only includes death-related losses, but also losses

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like divorce and break up, major diagnosis, and any other significant transition that changes

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your life.

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We all believe here that grief is not something we get over, it is something that we grow

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with and alongside and that when we stop treating grief like a problem to be solved, and we

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start treating it like an invitation to live more deeply.

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We create meaningful lives that are rich with the memories that we carry, the struggles

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that we faced, and the precious awareness of what it is to be right here, right now.

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Before we get into today's episode, which is number eight in my supporting someone series,

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a reminder that release day for my third book, of course I'm here right now, three actually

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helpful things to say to someone grieving, is coming up March 31st.

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This little guidebook, it is so thin, teaches you how to support a grieving person in your

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life with the best free grief support tool that any of us has, and that is our words, so

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that you will never enter another conversation with someone who's grieving wondering, what

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on earth do I say to comfort them?

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As an author, you know that pre-orders are super helpful when it comes to getting the

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book seen by the marketing powers that be, so you can find a link to order the book in

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the show notes.

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If you have already ordered your copy, thank you so much.

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You can submit your receipt number from Bookshop, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, your local indie

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bookstore, Audible, Libro, FM, wherever you got the book from on my website to access

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the free six week book club where we will read the entirety of, of course I'm here right

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now and discuss it together as a group.

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This private free book club kicks off April 15th, so make sure you have the book in your

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hands, on your Kindle, on your device, in your ears, before then.

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And this is your last call to do so to celebrate the launch of this book with me.

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I'm hosting two launch parties that I would love you to attend.

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The first one is taking place, the eve before the book comes out on March 30th in Chicago.

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The second one is the day the book comes out March 31st on YouTube so that no matter where

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in the world you live, you can tune in to hear more about the clients and students and interactions

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that inspired this little grief book about what to say, plus hear me read some excerpts

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live.

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And of course, the replay of that virtual event will be available the next day if you can't

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attend live.

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You can save your spot for both of these book launch events at the link in the show notes.

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The next topic is the thesis of, of course, I'm here right now.

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And it is what to say to someone grieving, why words matter more than you think.

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And this is so inspired by the first couple of chapters of the book where I talk about

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these circumstances, these situations where someone has brought you a grief story and

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now it is on you to know what to say.

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Because when someone that we care about is grieving, there are a ton of like micro moments

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that feel loaded with the pressure of what to say that the onus is on you to have the

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words.

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So picture this, these moments tend to go something like this.

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A friend, a family member, a coworker, a neighbor just told you something heartbreaking.

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A person died or relationship ended or a diagnosis changed everything or a future that they were

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counting on is gone.

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And now it is your turn to speak.

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And in, of course, I'm here right now, I say it's almost as if this person has placed their

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heart onto an invisible table between the two of you and now you feel the tension and

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the anxiety of deciding what to say next.

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And if you've ever been in that moment and felt your mind go blank like ever for a four

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message, you are not alone.

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So many people want to support someone who's grieving and have no idea what to say.

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They worry they will offend the person.

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They worry that they will make things worse or they worry that they'll get pulled into

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emotionally deep conversation that they do not know how to handle the depths of these

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are all such common anxieties and underneath all of these like swirling worries is a very

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human question.

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And that is what do I say to someone who is grieving?

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This is one of the most common grief related questions that people type into Google and for

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good reason.

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We know innately intuitively that words effing matter.

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We can feel that they matter.

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But many of us have never been taught how to use words when someone we care about is hurting.

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In more than 13 years of grieving and 10 years of supporting people through loss, I believe

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I know for sure that words are one of the most helpful tools that we have to support someone

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who's grieving.

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Not because words magically take away pain.

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Not because there's like a woo-woo phrase that takes all your heart break away.

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But because words have the power to help grieving people feel seen and accompanied and comforted

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in the middle of something unbearable.

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So in this episode today I want to talk about the impact of words all by themselves when

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grief is in the room.

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I want to start with why it's so hard to know what to say to someone who's grieving.

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Because most of us have had the experience of wanting to show up for someone but not knowing

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how, not knowing what to say.

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And here's the thing, you genuinely care.

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You want to be kind and supportive.

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You are doing your best with the information that you have, perhaps even based on your own

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grief experience.

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But when loss rolls through steam rolls through flatten someone you care about's life, everything

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suddenly feels really high stakes.

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You might hear yourself reaching for something familiar like "I'm so sorry for your loss"

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or "I can't imagine" or "let me know if you need anything."

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And you still leave the interaction wondering whether those words actually helped, whether

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they actually made an impact.

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And in, of course, I'm here right now, three actually helpful things to say to someone

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grieving "I write" in the face of loss.

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We are all at a loss for words.

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If you are struggling to find words that feel right enough for the situation that you're

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in, it does not mean that there is something wrong with you.

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It means that you intuitively and rightly sense that grief is tender territory, and most

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of us, many of us, have not had much practice being there for someone we care about, outloud,

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or overtext, whatever medium you are sharing your words.

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And here's why so many of us underestimate the power of words.

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The biggest problem to me, this is one of the big problems, is that our culture, our society

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has given us so many mixed messages about language.

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We are told that words don't matter that much.

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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me as if language doesn't

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have power to cause pain.

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But our lives tell a different story.

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And of course, I'm here right now, I say that words can hurt because words have the ability

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to change our reality.

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And if words can intensify shame and distance and pain, then words can also support belonging

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and validation and care.

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Still, most people never receive any real guidance on how to talk about grief with someone

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who's experienced a loss.

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We learn how to, in school, we learn how to read and write.

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We learn how to be productive.

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We learn how to perform competence, but we do not buy in large, learn how to respond

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with empathy and care when someone says my person died, or I'm not okay, or my whole life

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is changed forever.

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What I want to get through in this part of the show is that this is not a personal failure.

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This is a societal, cultural, communal gap.

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This is one that I am on a mission to close, not by giving people a script for every possible

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situation, but by helping you realize that words can be a part of real, meaningful comfort.

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And this is why this topic matters so much to me.

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Generally, people do not ask, what do I say to someone grieving because they're casually

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curious?

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They don't just want to script.

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They're like a backpack pocket and just whip out anytime.

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People are asking this question, what do I say to someone who's grieving, Googling it in

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the dark of the night, because they care really deeply and they do not want to be a reason

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that their grieving friend or family member feels worse.

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In other words, the sentiment behind the question, what do I say to someone who's grieving is

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not, I want to make them feel better.

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It is, I do not want to be the source of further pain.

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And this is a really important distinction because it tells us that this is not about us

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wanting to be polished or elegant or even cheer someone up.

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It's about us wanting to be careful with someone's heart that has been laid on the table

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between us at a crucial moment of their lives.

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The saddest part when it comes to words and grief support is that most people say nothing.

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Or they say something that shuts down a grieving person.

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By and large when people do not know what to say, one of two things happen.

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They either reach for a cliche, everything happens for a reason God need another angel

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time heals all.

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Or they go radio silence.

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Sometimes that silence is literal silence, radio silence, like the story of one of my

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clients whose best friend of more than 20 years attended her mom's funeral and then

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never spoke to her again and she still has no idea why.

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But sometimes silence is a kind of avoidance.

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It looks like changing the subject or moving the conversation along or offering a quick

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like thinking of you.

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Yep, that's true.

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Before stepping back from the conversation, sometimes silencing or avoiding is a platitude.

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Everything happens for a reason.

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God never gives you more than you can handle.

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Look on the bright side.

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There's all a meaning for this.

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And all of those things land with a fud in the heart of your grieving friend instead of

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offering real comfort.

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And what's troubling is that a lot of grief supporters, friends and family members say

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it was just one thing I said.

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It was just a mistake.

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It was just a platitude.

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It shouldn't be such a big deal.

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While these moments of attempted grief support might seem small to you as a supporter, it

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might feel like one phrase said in passing.

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These words can have a large and lasting impact on the griever that you're trying to support.

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And of course, I'm here right now.

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I write, "Your grieving person's pain, which is already unbearable, collides with indifference,

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ignorance, judgment or shame compounding the hurt that they feel.

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And this collision with your words matters."

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What you say teaches grieving people in a split second.

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What is and isn't safe to say in your presence?

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It shapes whether or not they open up to you again and again in the future.

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And it affects whether your relationship deepens or becomes just a place or a relationship

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where things are surface level.

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In my book, I call this the suffering to shut down phenomenon.

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When suffering to shut down occurs, grieving people silo their pain away from view and they

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no longer reach out for support when they need it.

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Suffering to shut down.

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That is one of the biggest reasons that I care so much about grief and language because

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the words that we use to try to comfort someone, they're not just space fillers.

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They set the tone of our relationship with them.

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They tell someone, "This is a safe place to share your pain," or "This isn't the place

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for that."

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And when someone is grieving how you define the space of your relationship with words is

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everything.

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And if you are a doubting Deborah, listening to the show, watching this on YouTube, I

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don't know why you'd be here still.

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But if you're wondering, like, do words actually help someone who's grieving?

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I want to offer you these examples.

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Many of us, including those of us who have grieved before, hold this idea or this notion

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or belief that grief is too big for words.

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That heartbreak is such a profound experience that language cannot really touch it.

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But in, of course, I'm here right now.

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I argue that words literally define the world that we live in.

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Going back to sticks and stones, I talk about in the book how we know this from our own

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lives.

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We remember the sentence from a parent or a guardian or a teacher that made us feel ashamed,

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and we carry that shame with us to this day.

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We remember the sentence from a friend or family member that made us feel chosen, understood,

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encouraged, or loved.

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We hold and carry words with us across the span of our lives sometimes for decades.

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And beyond just our personal experiences with words of friends and family and teachers

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and parents and coworkers, we use words to define our laws, our businesses, our spiritual

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practices, or politics, our societies.

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And if words can wound us for years, surely they can comfort us for years as well.

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Words are wildly important, and grief is no exception.

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See if this bit from, of course, I'm here right now resonates with you.

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Words have power, and they have some of their greatest power in the moments when someone

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you care about is grieving.

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Said another way, words are one of the fastest, clearest ways we communicate presence and care.

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They are one of the main ways we say, "I am here with you.

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I am not running from this.

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You do not have to be alone with it for these next few minutes."

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Words have an impact far beyond the moment that they are said.

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Comforting words after loss can stick with grieving people for a lifetime.

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We just did an episode on this about the scrabble structure, the six roles that words play

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in supporting someone who's grieving.

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It's in, of course, I'm here right now.

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You can listen for free on GriefGore.

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You can watch it on YouTube.

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What I will say is that you don't need perfect words to support someone who's grieving.

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You need honest and grounded ones.

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So many people who are adjacent to someone grieving, delay reaching out or do not reach out at

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all because they believe they need to say something that's profound.

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They are waiting for the exact right sentence or sentiment that feels like the wrap-up to

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the end of a movie.

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They are waiting for something that feels wise enough or gentle enough or helpful enough.

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And in the meantime, while they wait for those magical words to pop into their brains,

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they say nothing at all.

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And that is what hurts the most.

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What Grievous wants you to know is that they do not need perfection.

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They need sincerity.

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They need steadiness.

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They need you to care enough to try.

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And they need to feel that someone is willing to stay in their grief with them without flinching.

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In the book I write, you do not need a formal education or lived experience with grief to

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support someone who's deep in the throws of loss.

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You just need a willingness to show up, be present, truly listen, and offer comforting language

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when it's appropriate.

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In other words, you do not need to be brilliant.

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This does not need to be your best work.

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You do not need to rescue a grieving person from their pain.

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You do not need to be a therapist, and you do not have to have gone through the exact same

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thing in order to comfort a griever.

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You just need to be willing to show up and use words in a way that does not rush or bypass

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or minimize or tidy up your grieving friend's grief.

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That mindset shift alone can change the entire feel of your interaction with them, of your

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relationship together.

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Words do not have the power to fix grief.

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They can help you and your grieving person carry it.

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And that's why I want to be really clear here.

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I'm not saying words are powerful because they make a grief disappear or go away.

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They don't and they can't.

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Words don't have the power to undo death.

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Betrayal diagnosis, is changement heartbreak.

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They do not wrap loss up in a neat little bow.

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They do not create closure.

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They do not return someone to the life they had before.

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Words do not have those powers.

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What words do have is the power to make grief more bearable for a moment.

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To create connection where there might otherwise be shut down or silence and to help someone

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feel understood and seen and cared about instead of alone.

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And of course I'm here right now, I write, the goal of comforting is not to make yourself

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or grieving person feel better.

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It is to find all of the minuscule ways you can be strong together to comfort each other

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as you pick your slow and steady way through the darkness of grief.

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That is the flavor of grief support that I believe in and it's the kind that I teach

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in the book.

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It is not polished or performative.

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It's not the end of a movie and it is definitely not focused on fixing your grieving

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person's experience.

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It is just you using your words with enough care and tact that your grieving friend feels

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less crazy, less alone and suffering.

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Here are just a few helpful scripts that actually support someone who's grieving.

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In the book I teach but grievers tell themselves three painful stories.

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The stories are, I'm crazy, I'm alone, my life will be like this forever.

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We've talked about this on other episodes of grief grower.

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And in the book I underline why these stories are true for them based on what society teaches

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us about grief.

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And basically the thing I want you to take away is that the most helpful things you can say

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are statements of emotional validation, presence and context.

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Of course I'm here right now.

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It's literally the title of the book.

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Each of these phrases offsense the pain of each of those three stories.

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These are some of my grieving clients favorite statements, favorite phrases, but you can find

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so, so many more and why they work and exercises to do them with your griver in the book.

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Here's a few.

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Of course your insert emotion here, sad.

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You're grieving.

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Right now this is a really tough thing that you're going through.

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I haven't forgotten about your loss or haven't forgotten that you're grieving.

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You have lost so much you will not lose me.

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Even if I can't understand completely I'm here.

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I can see how hard you're trying in this season.

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Notice how not one of these phrases tries to make meaning or force a grieving person into

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a shiny positive future.

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They are grounded in the moment and affirm exactly what your grieving friend is dealing

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with right now.

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This is what it looks like and sounds like to offer true comfort in the face of overwhelming

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grief.

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What I need you to know and what I hope that you have heard in the weeks that we've

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done the supporting someone series on grief grower on YouTube and in the lead up to the

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release of of course I'm here right now is that your words can change a griever's world.

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When it comes to supporting someone you care about after a loss or a heartbreak your words

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matter.

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You know it because you're out here googling it and your grieving person knows it because

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they're living it.

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And in a society that's committed to making griever's feel weird or abnormal for grieving and

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like the world has moved on without them your words can show that you care that you have

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not forgotten about their loss and that you will be with them for the long haul as a supporter

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and that is a crap load of payoff for just a few words.

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Simply put words are the best free grief support tool that any of us has to support someone

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who is grieving.

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If you would like to learn the words that actually helped the next step is simple.

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Please order my book of course I'm here right now three actually helpful things to say to

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someone grieving it is available in hard back in ebook in audiobook formats whatever resonates

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the most with you.

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I wrote this book for the moments when someone shares something heartbreaking with you or

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you know that they are grieving and you want to respond with more than a cliche or more

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than I'm sorry for your loss or more than my condolences.

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I wrote it for friends family members co-workers helping professionals griebers supporting

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other grievers I wrote it because so many of us care so deeply and still feel like we do

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not know what to say.

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Inside this book I will help you understand why words matter so much in grief what makes

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certain phrases land and others fall flat and how to use comforting language in a way

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that helps people feel seen supported and less alone.

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If you have ever wondered what to say to support someone grieving this book of course I'm

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here right now is your place to start and you can find a link to get this book in the show

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notes for this episode.

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I hope you take away today the power of words and grief words all by themselves.

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You do not need to spend money you do not need to be a therapist you do not need to be the

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most emotionally intelligent person in the world you simply have to say something and this

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is what to say to someone you care about who is grieving.

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That's all for this episode of Grief Grower.

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Thank you so very much for joining me today.

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If you're looking for grief support beyond this show you can find free workshops blog articles

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and my new what's your grief supporter's strength quiz at shall be for SITIA.com/links.

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And if you'd like to get support from me for your unique loss experience join us in

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life after loss academy my online course in community.

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As a student I'll walk you through my five step grief framework for rebuilding after loss

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and you can get live coaching from me every single week to answer your questions.

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Replays are always available if you can to 10 live.

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It's just $33 a month to join or $22 a month if you were marginalized or financially stressed

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griver.

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You can cancel it anytime.

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If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational or otherwise helpful to you please

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subscribe and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

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And be sure to share Grief Grower with a friend because you never know what someone you

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love is going through.

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Grief Grower's hosted by me shall be for SITIA with theme music by Addy Goldstein.

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Until next time grief growers I see you.

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I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world and I love you because

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even through grief we are growing.

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[Music]