Hello and welcome to Dear grief guide.
A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost, stuck,
heartbroken or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.
My name is Shelby Fercitya.
I'm a grief coach and author and I'm here to help you create a life you love from the
life lost forced you to live.
Let's get to today's letter.
Dear grief guide, my story is riddled with taboo and infidelity.
Basically my affair partner died, but it's not that simple.
While our relationship was built out of secrets over our four years together we went from an
emotional relationship to a physical relationship to best friends.
We realized that we could never be a couple, but we were still connected.
We were soulmates, just not in this lifetime.
He died suddenly after a long battle with addiction and depression, one that I watched and tried
so hard to save him from.
The grief is consuming, yet sometimes feels like it shouldn't even belong to me.
I'm struggling with how to move on and properly grieve my secret life.
Signed "Fo Widow."
Hi there, fo Widow, my heart hurts for you.
This may come as a surprise to some listeners, but I have been a secret affair partner before,
sometimes with my knowledge and sometimes I had no idea that that was who I was to someone.
So I know some semblance of the kind of pain that you are in.
There is so much wrapped up in the secrecy and intimacy between two people when their love
is not allowed to be shared openly for whatever reason.
Societal, judgmental, LGBTQ secrecy for example, so so many reasons.
I can imagine that what you're going through not only feels extraordinarily isolating, but
also feels at times like you shouldn't be allowed to have feelings at all.
After all, I imagine either voice in your head or society, friends, family, anybody in
your life might be telling you, you should have never been with this guy at all, right?
So what worth or value do your feelings have if you were never meant to be a part of
his life in the first place?
That is the mean voice, that is the critical, scolding finger sometimes that can live in
the very center of our brains.
And on top of that, who on earth are you going to share these feelings with besides me
or local neighborhood grief podcaster?
It's not as if you can grieve this loss out in the open with friends or family members.
There may be some people you have to continue to keep this a secret from.
This is a unique form of partner loss and the fact that it is a secret grief heartbreakingly
is very, very, very heavy and I cannot overstate that.
I bet if I had to guess that you are exhausted on some deep soul level.
From the sounds of your letter you and your partner were so much to each other, you played
such a big role in each other's lives and you saw bits and pieces and probably sometimes
very vibrant pictures of your partner suffering that I'm sure no one else in his life ever saw
and then you tried to save him from that.
I just want to reiterate that that's a lot.
It is this stuff that deep soulmate relationships are made of.
Suffice it to say, "Fo Widow, I am so glad that you wrote to me.
Please know that this podcast is a judgment free zone.
I have worked with quite a few clients grieving secret elements of their grief and been a witness
to stories that people couldn't share anywhere else for fear of judgment or ridicule or being
cast out of a group.
First I hope that beyond writing to me you will find a community or at least one safe person
in your life to process this grief with because while the secret of this grief belongs
to you, it can also be held and witnessed by someone else or a community of someone else's.
Whether that looks like something like therapy or group support or even in life after loss
academy, if you're interested in working with me and being supported by our community in
that group.
Secondly, if you're into affirmations or self validations, as I am just now calling them
for the first time in this moment, I've never called them that but sometimes validating
ourselves is the best gift we can give to ourselves when we're grieving.
Just telling yourself it's okay to grieve him, it's okay to love him in some ways his heart
belong to me too.
In a society that would tell you that none of those things are okay to say, you can be
the first place that says they are and say it until you believe it.
If you live alone or with people who knew about your relationship, you could even write
these up and post them up places where you see them often.
Make them your phone wallpaper.
Where can you place these things so that you are putting yourself in the way of words
that literally validate what is inside of and happening within your heart?
And then when you're feeling ready to explore this, I hope that you'll find some way of
caring him ford with you.
This could be a totem, like a little mini physical object.
If you have pictures of him, maybe framing one or keeping one in a wallet, if people even
carry wallets anymore, lockets are romantic, so is jewelry.
Maybe a custom word that you might get tattooed on your body if you're into getting tattoos.
You might buy a plant in honor of him and keep it alive if you have a green thumb.
You might even have some sort of ritual where you light a candle and say a few words and
honor him each day.
You might, if you want to make this really big, you could take time off work even a long weekend
or create your own sort of bereavement leave retreat.
You could go somewhere.
You could do something to honor the fact, take the trip with him in mind and honor the fact
that he is no longer on earth with you, but you carry him forward in your memory.
Live at all possible and I know it's such a privilege to take time to grieve.
Give yourself the equivalent time to process this loss as if it were the loss of a partner
or the loss of a husband.
I personally believe and I know that so many people who are listening will agree with me.
That soulmates can come in a lot of forms.
Humans, animals, people who are married to, people we befriend, people who save us one
time and we never see again like a guardian angel sort of situation.
People we date and then break up with because we needed to teach each other something but maybe
we weren't good together in the long term.
People were mentored by grandparents who sit by our side or watch over us and people we
have never even met because they have already gone before.
Soulmates exist in so, so many forms including and beyond the people we tie ourselves to
through marriage.
Based on your letter, based on your words, I have no doubt there is no doubt in my mind
of the connection that the two of you shared together.
But one of the devastating consequences of losing an affair partner we consider to be
a soulmate is being relegated to grieving that person in secret.
If you're open to it, if this resonates with you you might look up documentaries of queer
couples who weren't allowed to openly grieve their partners, especially during the AIDS
crisis or maybe even interracial couples who were not allowed to openly grieve either in
the 1970s, 60s, 50s and before.
You might find some camaraderie in knowing that there are others who have loved, who have
also had to keep their love and elements of their grief, a secret.
What I know for sure for you, for widow, is that moving forward will require your peace-making.
That's a very key word.
However difficult making peace ends up being with the fact that your relationship is and
was a secret.
Remember that acceptance in the words of Cheryl Strait is not about being okay with what
happened.
It is about telling the truth of what happened and sometimes the truth is very sticky and
heavy and unchangeable and behind closed doors, closed to the public.
I have so much compassion for you.
I have so much faith in you and I hope you'll reach out with another letter or to join
life after loss academy or to work together one-on-one as you find your way.
Good luck.
That's all for this episode of Dear Grave Guide.
Thank you so much for joining me today.
If you're feeling lost, stuck, heartbroken or overwhelmed in the midst of your own grief,
check out my free workshop Grow Through Grave, three ways to stop feeling stuck and start moving
forward.
I'll give you three easy, actionable tools for navigating life after loss and show you
how you can create peace, stability and compassion right there in the middle of grief's confusion
and uncertainty.
You can find the workshop link in the show notes.
If this podcast helped you feel a little less alone in your grief, please subscribe and
leave a review on Apple podcasts, Spotify or wherever you're listening.
Be sure to share Dear Grave Guide with a friend because you never know what someone you love
is going through.
You can submit your anonymous letter for the show and find additional grief support at
shellbeforsitia.com.
Music for Dear Grave Guide is performed by Eddie Goldstein, editing by Ruth Spence of
Celebio.
Until next time, I see you.
I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world and I love you.
As even through grief, we are growing.
Music for Dear Grave Guide.