Hello and welcome to Dear grief guide.
A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost, stuck,
heartbroken or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.
My name is Shelby Fercitya.
I'm a grief coach and author and I'm here to help you create a life you love from the
life lost forced you to live.
Let's get to today's letter.
Dear grief guide.
So my best friend has gone.
She lost her battle with cancer after a year and a half of being in and out of the hospital.
Shit hurts and I miss her all the time.
It's like this void, this emptiness that feels never ending.
When I lost my grandmother as a kid, I got these signs, white feathers, dandelions, songs
playing on the radio, like little nods from the universe.
But now, dealing with my friend's death at 25, it's just silence.
No feathers, no flowers, no songs playing out of nowhere.
I can't feel her with me.
I tried seeing a medium hoping for a clearer connection.
It helped a bit.
During the session, I felt her presence and I had a moment where her death didn't hurt
as much.
But on a daily basis, the yearning for some sort of consistent sign is still there.
I just want to feel her without needing someone else to make it happen.
Do you know what I mean?
How unearthed.
Do I get through this loss when those signs that I just thought would appear like magic
aren't showing up?
I want to know she's with me, like those little reminders that she's still around.
I'm hoping you can help sitting in silence.
Hi sitting in silence.
I resonate with this one because so many of my clients, their biggest pain point, their
biggest hard thing in the aftermath of loss is I cannot feel my person with me.
I don't know where they are.
I don't know where they went.
I went from seeing them every day every week, a couple of times a year, knowing that they
were still here to poof as if by magic, as if by an awful witch's curse they are suddenly
gone, vanished into the ether.
Were they even here at all?
There's this sense that they've gone missing and they may never appear again.
And there's this sense too on like a soul or a spiritual level that the connection that
you had with them is permanently severed that the line has gone dead for lack of better
phrasing and you will never hear from them or receive any other sort of transmission ever
again.
I'm placing so much breath here and acknowledgement of how hard that story is.
If that's the story that's playing in your head right now, how hard that is to live with
and to sit with.
And I want to offer you a couple of things today.
I have a hunch and thank you so much for sharing this story about your grandmother's death.
I have a hunch that in your childhood, perhaps like many of us, you had more time, more free
space in the day with which to listen, to receive signs and symbols.
I wonder if as a first step you might be willing to give yourself or create for yourself
more of that space now as an adult at 25, whether that looks like silence or space in your
calendar, space in the day, sitting in stillness or engaging in idle play.
There's a wonderful book by the author Celeste Henley called Do Nothing and it speaks to the
merits of you know, cloud spotting, lying on the floor in your room and listening to an
album, front to back.
And I'm not saying on public transit without any sort of stimulus like a podcast or an audiobook
even though thank you for listening to this one in your ears.
Just being just being a human being.
It's a wonderful book if you feel compelled to pick it up by all means do so.
If not, the gist of it is that it's beneficial on so many levels for our brains, our bodies,
our nervous systems, even our spirits to engage in a practice of nothingness to do nothing.
Because we open ourselves up then to the possibility of being inspired, finding rest and in your case,
my hope is being communicated with sometimes as kids we have so much time in the day we have
so much less to worry about and I'm speaking very broadly here because I don't know what
your childhood was like.
But oftentimes there's just so much more room to receive because there's so much more
room in general.
Your life is full, it is rich, it is meaningful, but it is not chaos, it is not busyness, it
is not...
It is not the structure that we have in adulthood.
So I wonder if there's a way you can cultivate more of that in your life.
The reason I say this or what's coming forward for me is I say this as I remember as a kid
going outside during recess at school.
I used to have this belief that I was connected to the wind and I wouldn't ever say this out
loud except now that I've talked to so many more people who had the same thing.
I know I'm not crazy.
For feeling this way but I would stand still and I would imagine I would ask the wind to
blow.
I would ask the leaves and the trees to shake and when it would I would listen and I would
smile because I would feel connected to this natural force wind that just exists on the
planet.
I don't know if I necessarily thought I was in charge of it or I could control it or
I was connected to a universe that could.
I don't know what my dial-up connection was with wind but it was one of my favorite things
to do and I can tell you I have not done it once as an adult but that's the kind of free
space and time and imagination that I'm talking about is when we offer ourselves more of that
time and space often what comes rushing in to fill it is these connections is that imagination
is that sort of magic that we felt was present when we were kids.
And a perfect segue from that is the next thing I want to offer you and that is asking.
Asking your friend to show up just like I asked the wind to show up when I was a kid.
I have done this so many times with clients and I'm thinking of one right now who also lost
a best friend to cancer so no you are not alone in that sense and she felt disconnected
from her friend and the only time she felt connected to her was when she was working
in her best friend's garden which she tended after her death.
But she said I want her to show up in so many more ways and I said I hear you a lot of people
do it makes sense that you would want this connection to continue so why don't you ask
her to show up ask your best friend to send you science and symbols you could do this through
journaling you could do this through pray you could write a song about it you could use
your time in the shower or the bath or or tending to yourself each day to talk to her as
if she is in the room with you but oftentimes even just setting out some sort of intention
kind of like setting out a plate of cookies for Santa I'm bringing in a lot of magical
childhood figures on this response today but even even setting out these invitations
can often help your your brain and your heart be more receptive to recognizing when response
is come.
And the last thing that I want to offer you is another thing that I did with a client
who desperately wanted to see signs and symbols from someone they very dearly loved but felt
disconnected from and that is to make a list of things that remind you of your friend I
did this after my best friend died in 2022 and some of the things on the list I'll just
give you five corgis hello kitty being by the lake front or anywhere with water iced coffee
and hearts and this list of five things corgis hello kitty being by the lake front iced
coffee and hearts every time I see them now I say hello to her.
Whether they feel as if they have been magically brought into my life stranger walks by with
a corgina nice coffee on the sidewalks of Chicago magical or if I'm inventing it for myself
it's Valentine's Day at the flower shop where I spend some of my days I have a part time job
there and the decor is covered in hearts that's definitely something I strong up myself that's
definitely something I brought into my own life that's definitely something that is coincidentally
here because of the time of year and still every time I see heart decorations I say hello to my friend
you could turn this into a bingo card and make a game of it you could invite other people to spot
these signs and symbols with you and sort of play a game of grief ice by which is really fun especially
if you have children or partner or people who knew your best friend like a community as well
that you'd like to play this game with I my mother I believe shows up through coins and so every time
I find a coin I send a picture to my sister or to my wife and then sometimes when friends and
family members find coins they send pictures to me and it's like this giant cosmic game of see a
penny pick it up all day long you'll have good luck that we play now in her memory in her honor and
so we feel in a larger more connected way as if she is communicating with and surrounding us all
and there's a gift in that and something I want to say right now whether it's invented I invented my own
bingo card I've made my list of five symbols and that's how I'm seeing her or it's magical it feels like
it crosses your path by accident you did not ask it to be here but oh my god there it is does it
matter this is a question I get so often from grieving people it's like I want it to be magical I
want it to feel like I put in no effort I want it to feel like it was just given to me from the
universe maybe like these signs from your grandmother where I get that and also part of continuing a
relationship after loss it's called the theory of continuing bonds is taking intentional steps to
remember the person that you lost and remind yourself of the love that you shared with them and the
positive memories that you shared with them that's all a part of keeping the relationship alive you
do things that are intentional and then if you are lucky and so many of us are lucky and I know you
will be too sitting in silence some of these things will come to you because you are already out there
in the world looking for them you have made a list you have enlisted your friends you have opened
up space in your day you've done all the things to make that possible and I I can't see any other
outcome than her somehow magically finding her way to you whether through one of your things in the
ice-buy game a sign and symbol that you have flagged with her in mind or something that you would
have never guessed would cross your path at all but you recognize without a doubt is her I know that
will come your way when you put this effort in know that you are not alone it may be an instance too
and I spoke about this with a client a little bit ago of it takes us a while to get used to life without
our people here but oftentimes we don't consider maybe they're getting used to being in a place where
we're not there either and they're trying to figure out how to best communicate when they're not
here in person a lot of people that believe this happens through signs and symbols it's their way
of figuring out how to communicate with us a lot of people think it happens through things like
electricity or songs on the radio or some sort of technology playing a part
cut-of-war movies or picks down that which I don't super love but yeah I wonder if maybe your best
friend is still trying to figure out how best to communicate with you and you can say when you ask
her hey this is how I'll know it's you I'll make I'll make it easy for you here's how I know it's you
can you please show up this way and here's my five signs and symbols for you feel free to invent your
own feel free to come disguised as something else but show me it's you I'm ready I'm ready to receive
these things from you I'm ready to receive your gifts and I trust that they're coming these are all
things you can let her know and I trust that they will happen for you too may assign a symbol of
blessing a song a feather something that reminds you of her come your way very very soon I am holding
such a good thought for you
that's all for this episode of Dear Grave Guide thank you so much for joining me today
if you're feeling lost stuck heartbroken or overwhelmed in the midst of your own grief check out my
free workshop grow through grief three ways to stop feeling stuck and start moving forward I'll give
you three easy actionable tools for navigating life after loss and show you how you can create
peace stability and compassion right there in the middle of grief's confusion and uncertainty
you can find the workshop link in the show notes if this podcast helped you feel a little less alone
in your grief please subscribe and leave a review on apple podcasts spotify or wherever you're
listening and be sure to share Dear Grave Guide with a friend because you never know what someone
you love is going through you can submit your anonymous letter for the show and find additional
grief support at shall be for sitia.com music for Dear Grave Guide is performed by Eddie Goldstein
editing by Ru Spence of Celebio until next time I see you I am so proud of you and the work
that you're doing in the world and I love you because even through grief we are growing
music.