So we're not just gonna play any boring old dating game that you've seen before.
We're going to play a PNW, cryptid dating game.
Happy Valentine's Day!
You're gonna be so fun.
I mean, I'm so happy at the end, I promise.
Well, I shouldn't say you're getting a happy ending.
That might sound wrong, but anyway.
Hi!
Hi, Caitlyn!
Hi, Cassie!
Hi, creepy people!
Hello!
It's me!
And me!
And Caitlyn.
Yeah.
But also me, I'm back!
Yay!
I have an episode for you guys, because Caitlyn just tried to hog up two episodes.
Yeah.
We all know how we feel about Caitlyn's episodes.
It's some real Leo energy up in here.
No, we love her.
She does good work, but it's time for a break, because, oh, this is PNW Haunts and Homicides.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Sorry, guys.
In case you didn't know, PNW stands for Pacific Northwest.
So we primarily cover cases based in the Pacific Northwest.
Yeah.
In case you didn't know.
Now you know.
The more you know.
But it's time for a little fun.
Because it's Valentine's Day.
Ah!
Even if you don't celebrate it, I think you're going to really enjoy this episode.
It is a little theme-y.
But it's fun.
I'm on board.
She was so on board.
She was on board as soon.
The moment I mentioned it, she was like, yes.
She was doing it.
I really, really, really got on board.
She did.
She had all these crazy ideas that just weren't going to work out.
That's maybe next time.
Maybe next time.
But she lit the fire in her butt, and I went and did a thing.
So we're going to have some fun today.
This is all make-believe.
This is all fun and games.
This isn't real.
Just so everyone's clear.
It's real.
I'll probably say it again later on when you'll know what I'm talking about.
So.
It's real.
I wouldn't say that.
So today we're going to play a little game.
We're going to play a little dating game.
Like- oh, okay, a dating game.
Not like a-
Would you like to play a game?
No, not like a saw game.
It's not a scary episode.
Okay.
But we're going to play a little dating game.
Unfortunately, we didn't really know any single people.
So we're just going to sub in Caitlyn.
Okay.
Disclaimer.
Caitlin is not single.
Like at all.
Period.
End of story.
We're just having fun.
So please, no one's light into her DMs.
And Chris, don't hate me.
Look at that.
Oh, she's super protective of me.
Just looking out.
You know, I don't want-
I don't want anyone to get too excited that you're on the market.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sure they're clamoring at the-
All of the places.
We had some-
We had some people clamoring.
Oh, boy.
Wait, this is news to me.
I don't know if I'll call them people, but we'll get into it.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
So we're not just going to play any boring old dating game
that you've seen before.
We're going to play a PNW.
Cryptid Dating Game.
Yeah.
Don't act surprised.
You already knew.
Well, I was a little bit unsure as to whether or not it was going to happen.
It's happening, baby.
Happy Valentine's Day.
It's still in my life.
You're going to get so fun.
You're going to get so fun at the end, I promise.
Well, I shouldn't say you're getting a happy ending.
That might sound wrong, but anyway.
So the definition of cryptid in case anyone doesn't know is an animal, such as Sasquatch or the
Lochness monster that has been claimed to exist but never proven to exist.
Okay.
So just so we're all clear what the definition of cryptid is.
Just keep that rattling around back there.
Mm-hmm.
Welcome to PNW.
Cryptid Dating Game.
Caitlyn, come on down.
How was that for my game announcer voice?
I love it.
You're channeling some Bob Barker.
Something.
Caitlyn's something.
I will not do that the whole time I promised, but maybe one more time.
Caitlyn is a fun, sassy, sexy single looking for her perfect cryptid match.
Ooh.
Okay, I'm done.
That was it.
I liked it.
So I'm not going to tell Caitlyn or anyone who the elusive bachelors are.
So we're going to have three rounds and we will get to know our four elusive bachelors.
Ooh.
Let me tell you, tracking these guys down for questioning was not easy, but once I started
a float, Caitlyn's photo around.
I had them.
It's the one on the fridge, you know what I was going to say.
How old is this photo?
And at the end, Caitlyn will pick which one she thinks would fit her best.
Who am I?
Yeah.
Who are cryptid mans.
Match man's is.
Again, this is all make believe.
Okay.
I mean, it's real.
You're going to have a cryptid in your bed.
Watch out, Chris.
So we'll still do the tarot read at the end and it will be for whoever she picks what his
intentions are with her with my daughter with my daughter with my adult daughter.
So that's how we'll do that.
Okay.
So I get a little bit of a reading on this love man.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
Are you excited?
I'm so excited.
Okay.
And one, here we go.
Each bachelor answered seven identical questions and one random question to keep things interesting.
Oh, all of the questions and things I'm going to talk about in the rounds are all clues
to who these cryptids might be.
That makes sense.
Okay.
So bachelor number one, first question.
What is your biggest insecurity?
And he says kissing can be quite a challenge.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
Not really sure what that means, but me either take that how you want.
Okay.
Question number two, what is your favorite color?
And he says black, which I say same.
Okay.
I say same.
Alendable.
I just have this debate with somebody the other day because they were asking me my favorite
color and I couldn't pick.
So I just say black because that's like all the colors together, right?
Oh, that's very true.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's a thinker.
Maybe we have something in common.
Maybe I should be on the stating.
I know.
Come on.
Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
He says fire.
Okay.
I mean, I'm not sure that we're compatible then.
That's true.
Okay.
All right.
The fourth question is a fun one.
What is your favorite sexual position?
Who says missionary?
Okay.
We'll have vanilla.
But that's okay.
All right.
You do you.
Question number five, what is your ideal date?
He says abuffee.
It's the easiest way to keep him in cheap date because he has a rather large appetite.
Okay.
So does that mean he assumes that you're paying?
I maybe.
It sounds like that's a possibility.
It's calling himself a cheap date.
Eh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Listen, call yourself whatever you want.
Don't call me a cheap date.
That's how do you feel about the phase?
Um.
Yeah.
I mean, I feel like I have a lot of thoughts and feelings on, I mean, how much time do we
have?
Probably not that much.
Not that much.
Okay.
I'm surprised you're not taking notes on these guys.
Well, I thought about it.
But then I was like, is that cheating?
I don't think it's cheating.
It's cheating.
Okay.
I mean, if you really want to, I mean, I'm going to.
She's taking notes.
Oh, no.
I don't know if I'm right.
Where's the notebook?
Okay.
Hold on.
Continue way.
Question number six, what is your best quality?
Oh, you might like this one, Caitlin.
He says protective like a bodyguard.
Okay.
So that sounds pretty good.
That might make up for some other things.
I mean, it would have to.
It would have to.
Okay.
Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
Ooh.
He says oversized fluffy sweaters.
Oh, that is so pure.
Okay.
All right.
And question number eight is kind of the rotating random question.
It is, what is your favorite scent?
And he says burnt trees.
Huh.
Do you have any guesses on who this is?
No.
No, I don't.
Actually.
All right.
Are you ready for bachelor number two?
Yes.
I think.
You are.
Okay.
Question number one, what is your biggest insecurity?
Bachelor number two says that people think he's a myth.
Okay.
I'm sure that's pretty common amongst the cryptid society.
You know?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Question number two, what is your favorite color?
He says anything shiny.
Okay.
I mean, same.
Who does he think he is?
The crab from Moana.
Shiny.
Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
And he says salt.
Salt.
Okay.
Which, that's kind of interesting.
Huh.
Okay.
Huh.
Number four, the good question.
What is your favorite sexual position?
He says the submarine, which I don't encourage anyone to Google.
Question number five, what is your ideal date?
He says a day on the lake.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Sweet.
You're going to, are there submarines in this lake?
You know, here's the thing.
This guy's clearly got a thing with water.
Clearly.
Okay.
Clearly.
Question number six, what is your best quality?
He says I'm a strong swimmer.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
So I think you nailed the water, the water part.
Yeah.
Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
He says small animals.
Oh, see, he's got some good qualities.
But I feel like I want to know why.
Well, he goes on to say they feel so good, they smell so good and they, okay, well, things
get weird here and I think we're just going to sweat a lot.
Okay.
The small animals.
Okay.
Question number eight, what is your biggest pet peeve?
He says when someone is immortalized for no reason and has nothing of value to offer in return,
wow, I feel like we hit a nerve.
Okay.
Yeah.
Someone is sensitive.
Yeah, that's a real, um, how do I put this nicely?
Oh, wait, I don't care.
Um, that's a real in-sell vibe.
Yeah.
I feel like.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Okay.
Are you ready to move on to bachelor number three?
I mean, we probably should.
Question number one, what is your biggest insecurity?
He says people often mistake him for someone else.
Oh.
Well, you know what happens to the best of us?
Question number two, what is your favorite color?
He says blue.
Okay.
Oh, like that.
Oh, like blue.
What's your favorite color, Caitlin?
I think probably gray or black.
Okay.
Or rose gold.
Yeah.
Or rose gold.
See, it's hard to choose.
Yeah.
I can't choose.
I don't know.
Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
He says bright lights and crowds.
And I say preach.
Same.
Question number four, what is your favorite sexual position?
Are we ready for this one?
I mean, probably not, but let's do it.
He says anything on the inversion table, baby.
I don't really know what to put in my notes here.
He likes to be upside down.
Okay.
So, um, all right.
I don't think that that's that kinky.
That's no submarine.
Let me tell you.
That's not a kink.
That's a great move.
Ooh.
Against humanity.
Yeah.
Question number five, what is your ideal date?
He says flying out of town for dinner.
Okay.
Christian gray.
Right.
Maybe he has a little kinky.
Question number six, what is your best quality?
He says his eyes.
They're big and bright.
You could even say they glow.
Okay.
Interesting.
Sounds nice though.
Big, bright glowing eyes could be quite striking.
The way you say that, I feel like that's pointed.
I'm not saying it.
I have no biased towards any of these bachelors.
Okay.
I'm just reading their questions.
They answered them.
They made them up, not me.
Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
He said some rad 80s vibes.
I like this guy.
Okay.
Well, I'm going to be setting you up.
Yeah.
Maybe I can get his number.
If you don't pick him.
Okay.
Question number eight, are you a knight owl or an early bird?
Hmm.
He says neither.
But I do prefer the knight.
Okay.
So, um.
So like tell me you don't know how to answer questions without telling me.
I mean, maybe there's something in there.
Maybe it's some sort of clue.
Yeah, that's what I gather, but I gathered very little.
I don't know.
Let's move on to Bachelor number four.
Our final bachelor.
Question number one, what is your biggest insecurity?
He says nothing.
Okay.
I see you.
An interesting start.
Okay.
All right.
Question number two, what is your favorite color?
He says orange.
It's nice color.
I like orange.
I'm getting a real fuck boy vibe here.
Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
He says becoming irrelevant.
Okay.
Yeah.
I stand by my previous statement.
Ready for question number four?
I mean, sure.
What is your favorite sexual position?
He says cowgirl.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Called that one.
Okay.
Question number five, what is your ideal date?
He says something adventurous like white water rafting.
Huh.
Okay.
Question number six, what is your best quality?
He says there's a beer named after me.
I don't know if that's your quality, bro.
But okay.
Okay.
Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
He says ultra long scarves.
Okay.
All right.
Listen.
Listen, I'm really trying to take detailed notes.
This is, I mean, there's a lot of clues.
Honestly, this feels like higher stakes than even our last election.
It might be.
Yeah.
This is a very important choice.
Ready for the last question?
Okay.
If asked on a date to a wedding, do you choose the chicken or the fish?
He says fish all day.
Oh, man.
Okay.
I'm surprised he didn't say fish.
Bo show.
Okay.
So we've reached round number two.
Okay.
So we're going to get to know a little bit about each of our four bachelors from the perspective
of someone who has been close to them.
Bachelor number one.
You ready?
I had a very, very lovely talk with bachelor number one's mom.
She couldn't figure out how to use the email.
So she had me talk to her on the phone and just like relay the message.
So she says my boo boo has an explosive personality, which is funny because we were talking about
boo boo earlier.
You don't even know bachelor number one's mom.
So that's correct.
I do.
Boo boo theme is just natural.
Okay.
She goes on to say, oh, he's going to hate me, but I called him Boo Boo in front of everybody,
especially a pretty woman like Caitlin.
Uh oh.
Anyway, I think he could really use a lady in his life.
I always try to get him to stand top of the moisturizing, but he just doesn't seem to
listen to me.
She she rambled.
Y'all, let me tell you.
She goes on to say, I think if he had a nice lady around to help him lotion his hard to reach
areas, you know, I think he would just be a little bit happier.
Okay.
So he's got some dry skin issues or something.
Okay.
And of course to help him keep up with trimming those unruly eyebrows.
Call your mother, boo boo.
Oh boy.
Interesting.
I think that helps Bachelor number one's chances at all.
You know, no, not really.
But if you want his mom's number, she's so nice.
Oh yeah.
Bachelor number two.
This is from his ex girlfriend.
She DMed us.
Oh.
So she said, "Augie was sweet, but it just didn't work out.
He had this weird obsession with the Loch Ness Monster.
It was like he was jealous that Nessie got more attention.
Okay.
I feel like the nerve that we poked earlier might make a little more sense."
Yeah.
She said Nessie had more books, movies, news stories, podcast episodes, and merch.
So much merch.
Plus, there was that incident with my Chihuahua.
Okay.
Interesting.
What happened here?
Chihuahua.
Not a dog per se in her.
I don't know.
He really liked the small animals.
Like probably as a snack, like a little appetizer.
I don't know.
I guess we'll find out.
Okay.
Bachelor number three.
Sadly, Bachelor number three doesn't have any close friends or family.
So there was no one to reach out to.
But great.
That's sort of a clue on his personality as well.
Bachelor number four, your favorite.
This came via text message from his childhood best friend.
I'm going to read the text messages as they came in.
They were all separate.
There's typos.
Oh great.
Perfect.
Off to a great start.
The first text, "CC was my BFF growing up the up arrow."
Oh great.
Okay.
Next, we use two.
The number two, hang over Al, he Tim.
Which, oh okay.
He says duck you, auto correct.
Hang out all the time.
Astrid.
Okay.
Great.
Next text message.
But FYI, they named some sort of hipster with no e, beer emoji after him.
Okay.
Oh, huh.
Yeah, seems like we've heard about that before.
Interesting.
Yeah.
That's a theme.
Okay.
Now he thinks he's too good for everyone, IMO, and a bunch of exclamation points.
That is, that's tough.
He keeps going.
SMHWTF is up again, the up arrow, wit, that, and an angry face.
Yeah, that feels like a lot.
It feels like a lot.
And then again, but IDC, which means I don't care, I think.
Yeah.
I know, and oh, deep with a lot of ease.
That's a lot.
I know deep down, like 180 feet down, every TBT, that's throwback Thursday.
He thinks of doing corkscrews in the Columbia with me.
Aww.
So this guy seems sweet in the end, maybe you should get his number.
Uh, yeah, we'll see.
Okay.
Sound like there was some clues in there though.
I mean, I would, I would think so, but.
Well, are you ready for round number three, because I think you're going to really like
it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
I hope so.
So the bachelor's gave me a little something to give to you.
Oh boy.
Okay.
So this first gift is from bachelor number one.
Oh, it's so cute.
Okay.
Let's see what's in here.
Chocolate.
Oh.
Sorry.
I got hungry, but I heard you didn't even like chocolate.
Okay.
So I mean, you know, it's empty, but he did wrap it.
He did.
Yeah.
I mean, the thought is the thought that your count's right?
Okay.
This is from bachelor number two.
Okay.
All right.
Oh, is there?
Okay.
Let's see.
All right.
Oh boy.
Oh.
It's too blurry.
How sweet.
It's so pretty.
Right.
That he does.
Clearly a very effestive heart, Marty Grobids.
It's kind of a two-fer because you could really use these for two different holidays every
year.
Yeah.
Beautiful, beautiful jewelry.
I'm sure if he wasn't on a budget, he would get you something nicer.
That's what they all say.
Okay.
From bachelor number three.
A door up all.
I'm scared.
Okay.
Oh.
A charging cord.
It's a phone charger.
Interesting.
Okay.
A shark.
Oh.
That's the line number four's gift.
It's heavy.
That is it.
What is it, Kate?
Later.
Colossal.
Oh.
Wow.
No, that's cheating.
See.
It definitely seems like it.
Well, it seems as though we have a little cheater amongst us who just can keep their mouth shut
about themselves.
So.
So this is interesting because I feel like this is kind of a giveaway.
Yeah.
A little bit.
A little bit because it's spoiler alert.
A can of beer.
Yes.
It is the can of beer.
The can of beer.
The has been mentioned.
That's a close guy.
Colossal.
Claude.
Oh.
That's bitch.
Keep believe he did that.
But it says dedicated to fishing stories.
Oh.
Right on the front of this can.
The word has it that after years of terrifying sailors and feasting on salmon, he acquired a taste
for hops.
So we brewed this imperial IPA with a colossal dose of cascade, shanook, citra and strata hops.
In hopes of coaxing, Claude out to join us for a pint.
Oh.
Okay.
So this if this is like his profile pick on Tinder, like which way are we swiping?
That's up to you.
Okay.
This is your dating game, baby.
Okay.
Well, I mean, I have some really difficult decisions to make.
I think at this point.
So.
So I guess I don't need to ask you if you have any guesses who bachelor number four is.
Because clearly it's colossal Claude.
He gave it away.
He gave him his damn self away.
Yeah.
He sure did.
How guesses on the others or do you just want to head around for and choose your mans?
Yeah.
I.
This is a tough one.
I feel like I was getting a certain vibe about some of these.
And now I might be more confused than ever.
That was my goal.
Yeah.
Um.
Yeah.
I'm really not sure.
I don't know.
Okay.
Many of them are like the usual suspects we would see in the PNW or I think maybe one of
the myths.
I'm just, you know, it just feels too soon to say for sure.
Okay.
Round four.
You got to pick your ideal mate and then I will tell you all about every single one of
them.
Yeah.
So this is a really tough one.
Um, normally I think number one, that would be a tempting choice.
Um, but I'm a little bit afraid about some of these answers here.
So.
Also, Caitlin, you're not really dating them.
I mean, but listen, I take everything that I do very seriously.
Seriously.
Yeah.
I feel like Bachelor number two for sure is out because I have small animals and that's
going to be a, that's going to be a deal breaker for me.
Um, they gave them, you know, they stimulated his serotonin.
I, yeah.
It's like they would make him happy.
Uh-huh.
For how long?
And in what form or fashion?
Um, okay.
So.
Oh my gosh.
Well, Clyde or Claude had the most terrible answers, but he's the one that I wanted, obviously.
I know that's why I made him a douche.
Yeah.
I was like, I know it.
I feel like realistically.
Okay.
Moment of truth.
I think I'm going to go with number three.
Number three.
Wow.
That's a surprise.
Is it?
Okay.
Are you ready to find out who your Bachelor is?
Uh, sure.
Okay.
Bachelor number three is Bat Squatch.
I feel like it was a Squatch.
So Bat Squatch, you remember he was the one who got confused with someone else.
Yeah.
Bat Squatch.
I felt like I was picking that up.
Okay.
I was the only one that I felt like I had any clue on.
So I'll tell you a little bit more about him.
He is rumored to have originated from the 1980 Mount St. Helens eruption.
Oh, but he has been spotted up and down the west coast.
He has described as basically a nine foot tall Sasquatch with blufer, huge bat wings and
glowing eyes.
Okay.
I remember I knew you liked the eyes.
Yeah.
You were weird about it, but they rubbed off on you.
Like bats, they are nocturnal and despise the light.
They live solitary lives.
So that's why you had no friends or family.
Makes sense.
So I don't know why he wants a girlfriend, but you know, here we are.
So I guess that's good if what?
Oh, you know, what?
So I guess that's good that you won't see like a horde of flying monkeys coming at you.
Was it a Vastile?
So, you know, yeah.
Yeah, because that's a nightmare fuel for sure.
Yeah, totally.
Okay.
People who have witnessed a bat squash have reported battery drain.
Okay.
So it is very sweet of him to give you a phone charger for your date, so you don't lose
charge.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
Thoughtful.
How thoughtful.
Yeah.
I can't even believe how thoughtful he is.
Yeah.
Well, do you want to hear about the rest of the contestants?
Okay.
We can go with colossal clods since we already clearly know who he is.
Dennis.
Caitlyn actually requested him.
So of course I had to make him unlikable.
Yeah.
Because I knew she would just pick him.
An absolute douche canoe.
He was first spotted in the Columbia River in 1934.
C.C.
C.C.C.C. is a 15 to 40 foot long.
That's a big difference there, but 15 to 40 foot long with a round body snake like tail
and eight foot long neck with a horse head.
Oh boy.
Yeah.
So the ultra long scarves were for the eight foot long neck.
I mean, that makes sense.
And I think I picked orange for his favorite color because if he has a horse head, maybe
he likes, you know, the sea words.
We can't say him because the dogs.
Oh, yeah.
But you know, that makes sense.
Those orange vegetables.
They're crunchy.
That are crunchy.
Some people think he might be a pleasy assort.
Oh.
Which are extinct because that's a dinosaur.
Okay.
But that's kind of the look of him, I guess.
Yeah.
So then it's not extinct.
Right.
If it was.
Yeah.
No, that are clouds, not that.
And there's just there's no way to know.
He's his own thing.
Yeah.
Boy is he in 1963, the shell oil workers reported seeing CC 180 feet down, maneuvering in
a corkscrew fashion.
So interest.
That's what he likes to do.
Corkscrews in the Columbia.
Okay.
Some fishermen who had an encounter with him said he would steal 20 pound halibut
right off the line.
I mean, I would absolutely do that if I could.
Right.
They're delicious.
So well, too bad.
You didn't pick him.
He could steal you some halibut.
Yeah.
You know, he'd probably just talk about his beer the whole time.
I know.
What do you do?
I mean, but what pairs better with fish and chips than a beer?
Right.
He's on something.
Fun fact, I guess he's sometimes known as Marvin the Monster.
Uh-huh.
I didn't know.
Fun fact, that's what I've heard.
Never heard of it.
It's all like old man names, too, which is kind of funny.
It's a claw, Marvin.
So contestant number one was the Gumberoo.
Have you heard of it?
I cannot say that I have.
Okay.
I don't think he's found along the coast from Washington to California described as
bear-like, but with no fur.
What?
So that's why he likes the sweaters.
Oh.
Okay.
Instead, he has black leathery skin that is basically a shield.
Okay.
Protecting the Gumberoo even against bullets.
Wow.
So very tough.
Okay.
Which I'm surprised you didn't pick him.
Yeah.
Because he was the protective.
Yeah.
He doesn't like fire.
I mean, he lives on the coast range and he doesn't want to do a fire on the beach.
So like, there's a reason.
I'll tell you.
All right.
Some speculate that the skin itself might not be black in color, but coated in the ash of
his home, which is a burnt cedar tree.
I was going to say he says he likes the smell of burnt trees.
Because they remind him of home.
Oh.
He's in a little burnt tree or a big burnt tree.
Not a little one.
A little one.
Which is ironic that his home and his favorite scent are burnt, but he is scared of fire.
That's what I'm saying.
So why is that?
Fire is one of the only ways to kill a Gumberoo and they are apparently highly flammable.
Oh, boy.
So that's why he has the explosive personality.
Oh.
Oh, no, son.
Bobo.
He does have one other weakness and that's being bitten by another creature called the timber
doodle.
Like a poodle?
I get.
I don't like it.
A timber poodle.
I have no idea.
That led me to believe he wouldn't like to be bitten at all.
Probably pretty vanilla.
Okay.
So yeah, hence the missionaries.
I see where I see.
Oh, I follow.
She gets it.
She gets me.
He also has, as I alluded to in the very first question, and this is a very scientific term,
a sh*t on of very sharp teeth.
Oh.
So yeah, it might make kissing a little heart.
I, yeah, I could see that.
I feel like it would be like an Edward Scissor Hands situation.
Yeah.
But like with your mouth.
Yeah.
Not ideal.
Did you like my Scissor Hands?
I was doing Scissor Hands.
Did you look like you were doing finger guns again?
Who knows?
All those teeth probably help him out because he does have an insatiable appetite.
I mean, clearly he ate all of his lovely dates chocolates.
Who does that?
He will eat anything that even looks like food.
So I'd watch out for all those food-shaped items we like to carry around.
Yes, I'm talking to you, Miss Pizza Purse.
So good thing you didn't pick him and bring your pizza purse and your dog.
He would have been, you would have just been gone, girl.
He's like a hot dog and a pizza.
Oh no.
You can put them in the little hot dog Halloween costume.
Oh god.
No, I think that's a bachelor number two.
Right.
And how can I forget the Eugene Levy?
That's not his name.
Oh, yeah.
And how can I forget the Eugene Levy eyebrows and porcupine chin?
Oh boy.
Very hot.
That's very hot.
That is a lot.
Also, another fun fact, very PNW.
This story originated with lumberjacks.
Huh.
Yeah.
That makes sense though.
Out in the trees.
Yeah.
Bachelor number two is Ogo Pogo.
Ogo Pogo.
Have you heard of him?
It sounds so familiar.
It's an interesting one.
Uh huh.
Ogo Pogo dwells in Okanagan Lake in Kelona, British Columbia.
Yeah, he does.
And no one else is going to know, but that took me a ridiculously long amount of time to
say that whole sentence.
It's been 10 minutes.
Oh god.
Okay.
He's described as some sort of serpent or dragon creature.
The legend is that the sea of Okanagan people who were native to the land gave offerings
to Ogo Pogo in return for safe passage across the lake.
Yes.
And, and guess what the offering was?
Live small animals.
No, thank you.
Other people would start to bring their precious metals and jewelry to peace, Ogo Pogo.
Yes.
Instead of the live sacrifices.
Actually, the origin of this cryptid is most likely a misunderstanding due to language
barriers.
Huh.
Yeah.
Who would have thought?
Weird, right?
What a thunk.
In fact, the sea of Okanagan people told settlers of a sacred water spirit protecting
land.
They called it, and this is a crazy looking name, but it came with a pronunciation, which
is not too bad.
So, it's kind of fun.
Okay.
Nahaha ikku.
Oh.
And it spelled like in apostrophe X with a little thingy AX ITK thingy Mavavers.
Yeah.
It's really cool looking.
I like our languages.
Not as pretty.
So, not as pretty as this.
But, that translates to the sacred spirit of the lake, which sounds nice.
It does.
They describe it as having a horse head with deer antlers.
So, I think it's like kind of the same swimming creature maybe, but maybe not.
Maybe it's just like a walking, like a land spirit.
Yeah.
That sounds.
I don't know.
Yeah.
That sounds potentially really, really different.
Very different.
Yeah.
Big miscommunication.
Their offerings included tobacco, sage, and salmon.
So try explaining this to white people, and it turns into sacrificing live animals to
appease a demon.
I mean, and who we are.
I mean, we are kind of the worst.
The actual worst.
So, fast forward to the 20s, where we get the origin of the OgoPogov name from a very
entertaining song.
I will include the link to the song.
It's really fun.
I highly suggest listening to it.
But some of the lyrics are, I am looking for the OgoPogo, the funny little OgoPogo.
His mother was a polywag.
His father was a whale.
I am going to put a little salt on his tail.
Roode.
I know.
So I figured he might be scared of salt.
Like a slug.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
Eaky.
You compare him to the Loch Ness Monster.
The locals have statues of him, and people even travel to visit the lake to try and get a glimpse.
But I had never heard of him.
And obviously, he's not as famous as a Loch Ness Monster, because he doesn't have, you
know, ladles of him.
Yeah.
You can, you know, use in your kitchen.
Not by a long shot, which I want one really bad.
I know.
So I gather that he might be a little bit, have a little bit of a complex about that.
Yeah.
So I mean, listen, it's probably best that I didn't go this route because I myself have a
Loch Ness loose leaf tea diffuser.
Oh, yeah.
Cute.
See what I mean?
There's not an OgoPogo one.
That's right.
I mean, man, that's rough.
Living in the shadow.
Right.
Yeah.
But one more little fun, funsy fact for you in the 80s, there was a $1 million reward for
proof of the OgoPogo's existence.
Oh, yeah.
One million dollars.
Wait, is the reward no longer?
I don't think so.
I think they probably canceled that.
Yeah.
I mean, they've got their, their tourists now on their merch.
So they're good to go.
Okay.
That's fair.
Are you ready to do the terror reading to find out what Mr. Bat Squatch has in mind for
you?
What his intentions are with you?
I, you know, it's probably best if I have all of the information, but I'm a little bit
afraid.
That's all of the information.
Okay.
Half of all of the information.
Listen, I'm going to trust the terror.
It's going to guide me correctly.
I think so too.
It's going to know these cryptids.
Okay.
Ready?
Yeah.
Terror?
As indie podcasters, we love to show our support of other awesome shows.
So stay tuned for the promo we've got to share with you this week.
Let's show them some love.
You can find their info in our show notes.
I can't possibly tell you all the crazy things that happen in the new True Crime podcast
that in the water in 30 seconds.
But what I can tell you is that it's about a well to do Australian woman who met and fell
in love with a mysterious man who had a beautiful yacht and planned to marry him and spend
the rest of their days sailing around the world together.
What actually happened was serial infidelity, loss of more than a million dollars, and attempted
murder.
The series is narrated by Tony Dalton of AMC's Better Call Saul.
You can find dead in the water by going to deadinthewaterpodcast.com or just search dead in the
water from voyage media.
Anyway, listen to podcasts.
If you're a frequent PNW Haunts and Homicides listener, you probably already know we're
birdie ambassadors.
We wanted to take a quick moment to tell you a little bit more about this awesome product.
Birdie is the modern, personal safety alarm made for women by women.
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So important.
Use our Ambassador link and coupon code, PNWHAUNTSANDHOMICIDES, to receive 10% off your
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You can find the link in promo code in our show notes or PNW Haunts and Homicides link tree.
Have a safe stay.
You guys were back.
And don't worry, we did get more wine.
Well, of course.
I'm excited for this tarot read.
I wasn't.
We had a lot of technical difficulties.
Now fucking chill.
I'm feeling it.
Yeah.
We got it figured out.
Okay.
We're probably being cursed and or haunted.
Yeah.
So I regret my decisions.
So like maybe Bat Squatch isn't the one for me.
He is.
Don't say that about him.
And when we have the other rogue beer, the gumberu, so rogue made the gumberu, the
Bat Squatch and colossal clod into beers.
And I did not know that before I picked them for this episode, I knew colossal clod did.
Yeah.
That's the only one I knew about.
Even in like researching them, typing in their names into Google, I didn't either, it
didn't register that they had beers or it just didn't come up.
But yeah.
So it's pretty surprised and happy to find that out.
We don't have OgoPogo yet, but we will start a petition.
Absolutely.
Okay, Caitlin.
That's me.
Pick your eligible.
What are you?
Sassy, sexy, single.
Oh boy.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
For Bat Squatch's intentions with you.
Okay.
What did we get?
Shut up.
Did we get?
Shut up.
What did we get?
Oh, cool.
We got the fool.
That's my card.
Okay.
It was really debating.
I think the fool is kind of fitting for this one.
He's some sort of otter, the river otter.
Just a sea otter.
Okay.
Oh, this is this actually works, I think.
Okay.
So good.
Okay.
So our key words are innocence, beginnings, trust, hope, and opportunity.
It's the first card in the major arcana.
The fool begins your journey toward wisdom.
The fool represents innocence and faith.
The naive confidence of youth.
Shown as a young traveler, he embarks on an adventure without a care in the world.
He's concerned about the potential dangers that lurk ahead on the path.
I think you're the fool.
That doesn't sound like me at all.
You pick a cryptid to date, you fool.
I know.
That's what he's trying to say.
In some decks, he appears as a happy, go-lucky young male standing at the edge of a cliff.
Just about to step off into the great unknown.
Then he carries all his worldly possessions tied in a small bag on a stick over his shoulder.
Suggesting he doesn't have a lot of baggage yet and is open to life's experiences.
Oh, well, the bag's quite doesn't have like friends or family, so probably not a lot
of baggage.
Yeah, I would think.
Oh, my goodness.
The fool symbolizes the blind leap of faith we almost take upon entering the journey of
life.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Oh, when the fool appears in a reading, it usually means you're about to embark on a
new way of life.
You're open.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you are.
You're open to new experiences and to discovering what lies around the bend.
Even if you're not sure about the path you've chosen, you have faith that everything will
turn out well.
You probably feel out of sync with the rest of the world.
But in a good way, are we so sure?
Oh, listen, I'm wearing literal rose colored glasses.
I'm channeling Elton John here, but like, I ain't no fool.
You hear the beat of a different drummer and you're ready to march to it.
You hear the beat of leathery bat wings.
Oh, boy.
I'm skipping right to the love reading.
Perfect.
In a reading about love, this card often means beginning a romance or moving into a new
stage in an existing relationship.
A new relationship may feel faded as if you've met your soulmate.
That's what you're soulmates.
Enjoy this period of joy, openness and excitement.
Oh, there's another extra excerpt.
The quest for meaning always takes us into the unknown.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
I can these bad boys off.
I feel like they are blinding me.
I love that.
That was the perfect reading.
It made up for all of our problems in the beginning, I think.
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah.
We were having some real technical difficulties.
Yeah, we were.
Do you like our explosion of Valentine's all over the bed and the altar and it's perfect.
It's beautiful.
I love your heart shaped little shelf here.
And you got is this love potion?
It's actually poison.
We're going to pretend it's love potion, which AKA poison.
Well, we hope you all have a swell V day.
No matter what you do, if you celebrate, if you don't, if you have a date, if you don't
do something for yourself, self love is important.
Happy Valentine's Day for you people.
This is really fun episode.
I had a lot of fun being creative and making shit up.
That was a good time.
We're going to have to do this again for sure.
So write in with suggestions of credits because we're doing this again.
If I have to write it myself, we're doing it again.
That was too much fun.
Yeah, sure turn.
I'm obsessed.
Oh, thanks.
Have a creepy ass Valentine's Day.
See you next Tuesday.
I'm less, you're one of the three bachelor cryptids that Caitlyn didn't pick.
Lose my number.
Yeah, I'm sure they're all very upset.
I'm going to have to call each one of them personally afterwards and tell them the bad news.
So wish me luck every morning.
If I'm not here next week, you guys know why.
I might have been eaten by a cryptid because he was mad.
Okay.
Listen, we're going to have to have a chat with them.
That's not how you solve problems.
Okay.
Bye.
Oh, that is not a birthday present for Kelce!
That is a bed save.
Please read it.
I cannot read it.
You want me to read it?
Oh, my God.
I mean, I would hardly call this a family show.
No, we don't need to read it.
Oh, my God.
No, we have to read it.
Oh, you want to read it?
Oh, my God.
If there's any kids around sitting around with the room immediately, if that's sooner, why
are you letting your kids listen to that?
Don't let them listen to me.
Yeah.
I'm naughty.
Jesus.
Okay.
The submarine.
Also known as a sexual act involving a man eating out a woman's vagina while masturbating.
Okay.
Seems tame.
Just before he comes to completion, he looks up at her when she notices him looking at
her.
He says target locked, which is I can't know, never target locked.
Target is officially out of the room.
While the girl is still in confusion, he says fire torpedo as he jumps up and comes to completion
on her face in her face on her face in her face.
Oh, boy.
Then walks away saying target destroyed.
And I would literally end the life of this critter.
I mean, this is something you need to talk about with your partner beforehand and make sure
everyone's okay with it.
Yeah, because listen, this definition comes with, can I hear it in a sentence?
And here we go.
Kelce was so surprised when I gave her that submarine for her birthday.
No.
Don't surprise the submarine on any of it.
Never surprise anyone with anything ever.
No.
Never.
Consent is key.
Yeah.
Also, that does not sound like a birthday present for Kelce.
Just FYI.
Kelce.
Are you okay?
Kelce is not okay.
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