The people who say hurtful things to grievers are almost never deliberately trying to cause
harm.
Usually, and this is what they say, they're just trying to help.
The thing is, they do not know how to help without causing grievers further pain.
And this gap between what supporters of grievers are trying to do, their intentions, and the
impact that they actually have on grieving people is exactly why I wanted to put this podcast
episode together for you today.
I'm going to outline the seven worst things that people say to grievers.
You will not only know what not to say, you will also have a ton, a ton, a ton of handy
bite-sized scripts that you can use at any time someone in your orbit is facing any sort of loss.
I am so honored to be here with you as always.
If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back.
And if you are new to me and my work, hello.
My name is Shelby for Scythia.
I am a grief coach, three time author, and the founder of Life After Loss Academy, where
I've helped thousands of grieving people stop feeling lost, stuck, broken, and alone,
and start building lives that they genuinely love from the lives that lost, forced them
to live.
This not only includes death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup, major
diagnosis, and any other loss that changes your life.
Here on Grief Grow, we believe that grief is not something that we get over.
It is something that we grow with and alongside, and that by treating grief less like a problem
to be solved, and more, like an invitation to live more deeply, we can create meaningful
lives that are rich with the memories we carry, the struggles that we have faced, and
the preciousness of what it is to be right here and right now.
Today's episode, I'm continuing my supporting someone series, which is inspired by my new
book.
Of course, I'm here right now, three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving,
and we're going to be covering the seven worst things to say to someone grieving, and
what to say instead.
Because just about every single week, a grieving person shares something hurtful or shitty
or awful that someone in their life said to them, and this reminds me so much of just
how powerful and impactful words can be after loss.
It is literally the thesis of, of course, I'm here right now, is the words we say matter,
and that when we change the words we say to people who are grieving, we change the ways
they heal.
We literally change the world.
As my friend Lisa Kefauver says, words make worlds.
When grievers receive hurtful words like this, they might be comments from well-meaning
coworkers, it work functions, or it might be a text from a family member who is just
trying to help, or it might be a card from a friend who clearly had good intentions, but
somehow managed to write exactly the wrong thing.
It could also be a comment on social media from a stranger who believes that they know
somehow, miraculously, the best solution to grief.
Every time I hear or read one of these stories, I feel two things simultaneously.
One, deep compassion for the griever who received these words, like my heart breaks for them,
and deep heartache for the person who said them, like, "Oh honey, no, like ignorance, don't
do it."
And the reason I feel this is because after more than 10 years of supporting grieving people,
I can tell you that the people who say hurtful things to grievers are almost never deliberately
trying to cause harm.
And this is what they say, they're just trying to help.
The thing is, they do not know how to help without causing grievers further pain.
And this gap between what supporters of grievers are trying to do, their intentions, and the
impact that they actually have on grieving people is exactly why I wrote, of course I'm here
right now.
Again, three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving.
And it is exactly why I wanted to put this podcast episode together for you today.
So today I'm going to outline the seven worst things that people say to grievers buckle
up.
For each one, I will describe exactly why it's a problem and it misses the mark.
What you can say instead, and I will be using the framework inside my book, of course
I'm here right now.
So you'll be noticing these phrases, of course I'm here right now sort of filtered all throughout
this podcast episode today.
When you leave this episode, when you stop listening, you will not only know what not to
say, so please do not say these phrases to grieving people, you will also have a ton, a ton,
a ton of handy bite-sized scripts that you can use at any time someone in your orbit is facing
any sort of loss.
Again, I joke that I cover the 3D's, death divorce and diagnosis, but any other loss that changes
your life.
Let's get started.
The first one is meeting making statements.
These are they're in a better place or any other spiritual or meaning making shortcuts.
Some of the most offensive phrases to lob in a grieving person's direction are ones
that assign meaning to their loss without actually consulting the griever themselves.
These statements, what they do, is essentially force your perspective or your definition of
meaning onto the griever, which does the opposite of making them feel better, and they are so
embedded in our grief vocabulary as a society that a lot of people just say them on autopilot
without stopping to consider what they actually communicate to the person on the receiving
end of those phrases.
What phrases like this imply is, "Your pain has a purpose.
It has a meaning," which means you should probably feel okay about it.
Examples of this include, "Everything happens for a reason."
God needed another angel.
They're in a better place.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
God doesn't close a door without opening a window and it wasn't meant to be.
The problem with these phrases is that grievers are not okay about it and being told
even with fluff, even with spirituality embedded in it, even with love, that their loss was
part of a plan or that the person that they love to die is somewhere better.
This is profoundly dismissive.
It spiritualizes their pain and packages it up into a neat little meaning bow instead
of sitting with their pain.
It offers an explanation for what happened instead of offering empathy and compassion.
For any grieving person who doesn't share the same spiritual beliefs as you, it feels alienating
and invalidating on top of everything else.
Like not only are you trying to make meaning from my grief, you are talking to me about a
God or spirituality that I do not believe in.
It feels like you do not understand their loss and that you do not even give a crap to
get to know them personally and what they might believe or what they might like to make
meaning of.
So instead of reaching for everything happens for a reason or God has a plan or it wasn't
meant to work out, I encourage you to try to say, of course, insert loss is devastating,
of course divorce is devastating, of course the death of your spouse is devastating.
Another one, it's okay if meaning or reason is hard to find right now.
That's a wonderfully validating statement for somebody who's grieving.
Or you could say something like, I'm here with you in the pain, uncertainty, awfulness,
answer your word of choice here, I'm here with you in it.
These phrases do not try to explain the loss or make meaning from it or dress it up with
purpose.
They simply say, I see your pain and I am not going to be a person who rushes you towards
making sense of it.
Got it?
Let's go on to the next one.
Number two is vague statements.
These are sorry for your loss and other empty phrases.
These phrases in and of themselves are not malicious or like spiritually presumptuous,
they don't presume a meaning or purpose or a religion even, but they're impersonal.
And grievers can feel the difference between that and something that actually feels authentic
immediately.
So common phrases that are vague are sorry for your loss.
My deepest condolences, thinking of you during this difficult time.
When you say phrases like this, without mentioning the person who died, without talking about
the relationship that ended without naming the diagnosis that changed everything, it
sends a subtle but painful message that says, I acknowledge something happened, I just
don't want to get too close to it.
It is the grief equivalent of like a form letter, like you just filled in the blanks or
just like, yep, I'll take that absolutely bland message and just send it as is.
I do not need to personalize that at all.
And grievers who are desperately longing to feel seen and remembered, they notice when
they receive this blandness, one of the most popular videos of mine that blew up on Facebook
more than two million views has me critiquing like, please don't say sorry for your loss.
Please say something else instead and I gave a bunch of lovely examples.
But sorry for your loss in and of itself is really generic and so many grievers were chiming
in the comments saying, I just felt so sick feeling stuck in a parade of never ending sorry for
your loss, sorry for your loss, sorry for your loss, sorry for your loss.
No one ever mentioned my daughter.
No one ever mentioned the breakup.
No one ever mentioned my cat who died.
No one ever mentioned the job loss or the fact that we needed to move or the fact that we
lost all this money in addition to it.
No one ever mentioned that.
They would just say, sorry for your loss and then move on with their lives and they would
never speak to me again.
So wonderful things to say instead that are much more personal are things like, I've been
thinking about insert person's name every single day or of course your heart broken over
insert specific loss, of course your heart broken over losing your job or you could say
I'm here for you and I haven't forgotten that you're grieving insert loss.
I'm here for you.
It's the holidays and I haven't forgotten that you're grieving your brother.
It's not a wonderful and specific thing to say to someone who's grieving and specificity
is what separates a phrase that comforts from one that merely like checks a box, fills
out a form and moves on.
You do not need to be a poet.
You do not need to be a words person.
You do not need to be good at grief.
You just need to name the loss that happened or the person who died and genuinely mean it
as you are comforting your grieving person with words.
The third type of phrase that's harmful is judgment statements, things like aren't you
over it yet and other mean or critical words.
Whether you have had an experience with grief or not society often teaches us that there
are certain ways that grief should unfold, that there are certain ways that grief should
look.
But these societal beliefs are often wrong and do not make room for the fullness of what
griefers experience with loss, especially losses that go beyond death.
In a world that is full of grieving people and people who think they know how grief should
go, analytical, judgmental and even outright critical statements are fucking everywhere.
And these are the most overtly hurtful phrases on the list, yet they get said to grievous
faces and behind their backs and sometimes actually disguised as genuine concern for how
a grieving person is doing.
So for example, I can't believe you're still so upset about this.
On this said to me, from a college professor after my mom died, you can't grieve forever.
It's been a year you really need to move on.
You're not over it by now, you really need to get some help or you have to stop letting
this define you.
Every single one of these phrases carries a verdict inside of it.
It is, your grief is taking too long, you are doing this wrong.
People who have experienced loss, deep profound devastating life altering worldview rearranging
loss.
No, that grief has no finish line.
There is no correct timeline for processing the death of a person that you love or the
end of a relationship or the loss of a life that you thought you would be living by now.
When you tell a grieving person that they should be over it, you are not just sharing your
opinion.
You are delivering a judgment that makes them feel broken or defective or alone in their
grief.
So here is what to say instead.
Of course this is still difficult.
For grief doesn't follow a schedule, it makes sense that you're grieving in this season.
I'm here for you for as long as you need and that's not going to change.
What I need to remind you of with these phrases specifically is that no griever has ever
healed faster because someone told them to hurry up.
But many have found their way towards healing because someone told them there was no rush
and stood by while they processed their pain.
That is how you use words to genuinely help grievers after a loss.
Okay.
Number four is prescriptive statements.
You just need to stay busy and other icky sheds.
If you hear a phrase and you're like, "Oh, I feel like they're shooting me or they're
shooting themselves."
There's like a funny joke that goes around the internet of like, "Don't show it yourself
because it sounds like something else."
If you hear a phrase and it sounds like that, it's probably one of the ones not to say.
Griever's statements like you should are often well-intentioned advice that is dressed up
or disguised as support.
And to grievers' ears, they land as unwelcome critique of the way that they are grieving.
For instance, you just need to stay busy.
You should be strong for your kids.
You just need to get back out there.
Or have you tried exercising or essential oils or doing insert diet here or getting on
GLP ones?
And the subtext of every single one of these prescriptive phrases is the same.
Your grief is a problem to be solved.
Here is my solution.
Here's the thing though, grieving people didn't ask for it.
And here's the other thing, staying busy doesn't heal grief.
It postpones it.
Being strong for others doesn't take away pain.
It suppresses it.
And while exercise or nutrition or fresh air, all of these things are wonderful and can
absolutely support a grieving person's well-being, leading your support statements with lifestyle
prescriptions, you should do this with your life.
Signals to them that their emotional pain, their grief, is an inconvenience to be managed
or covered up rather than a human experience that needs to be witnessed.
So here is what to say instead of these garbage prescriptive statements.
You don't have to do anything right now, except what helps you survive.
I'm here as you figure out your next right step, whatever that looks like today.
On one of my all-time favorites that we talked about when we held a book club for my book,
of course, I'm here right now, this is exactly as hard as you think it is.
Can you imagine receiving that as a griever?
Like I'm not crazy.
This is exactly as hard as I think it is and it's so hard.
The wonderful thing about these substitute phrases is that acknowledging that everyone
gets through grief differently rather than telling them how to get through grief is one
of the most powerful things that you as a supporter can do.
And the very best part is, and this is true for all the phrases in this episode, it costs
you nothing.
You are not buying them a package of essential oils and leaving them on their doorstep.
You are not signing them up for some gym subscription.
You are offering them kind of words instead of forcing them or telling them they need to
change their lives.
And something about their grief is broken, bad, wrong, unhealthy.
Alrighty, let's move on to number five, toxic positivity statements.
These are time heals all wounds, silver linings, and the trap of at least.
As a supporter, I know, I know, I know.
And it makes sense to me that you really want to make your grieving friend or family member
feel better.
But cheering them on, by way of toxic positivity statements, words that bury the hard stuff
and insist that they be happy is not helpful.
So here's some examples of, like, at least statements or other toxic positivity companions.
At least you had so many good years together, or at least they live a long life.
At least you're young, you can date or marry or try again.
At least they aren't suffering anymore.
At least you can have more kids.
At least you can get another pet.
Look on the bright side.
Time heals all wounds.
Every at least or bright side statement contains a hidden instruction.
Find the silver lining.
Be grateful.
Stop focusing on what you lost.
But the thing about toxic positivity is that it does not erase grief.
It buries it under this very, very thin layer of optimism and tells the griever stop digging.
Here's what to say instead of toxic positivity.
One, right now I can see how hope or happiness feels hard for you to access that totally
makes sense to me.
Two, of course you're still grieving.
Lost, insert lost here.
Your divorce is still true.
That death is still true.
Your cat is still dead.
Your aunt is still gone.
The house that you lived in as a child is still demolished.
These things are still true.
They're fundamental truths of your life that will always be true.
Of course you're still grieving.
That makes sense to me.
Three, I'm not going to rush you towards a bright side or silver lining.
I'm here.
And I'm not afraid to hear how grief is really going for you and emphasize that really
going.
There are dozens of people in a griever's life at any given time asking them, how are you?
We did a whole separate grief grower episode and how to respond to that awful question.
But to say, I'm not going to rush you towards a silver lining.
I'm here and I'm not afraid to hear how life is really going for you.
That's a different way of checking in on someone who is grieving.
Because when someone you care about is grieving, your job is not to point out bright sides.
What your griever needs is someone willing to sit with them in the dark.
And these words can be doorways into helping you do that.
Number six is kind of a stickier one and one that people don't always think of.
It's disconnection statements.
For instance, I can't imagine what you're going through and other language that creates
distance metaphorically between you and the person who's grieving.
And this category is stickier and it surprises a lot of supporters when it makes this list.
Because statements like these can sound humble or kind or even self-aware.
But these statements cause a lot of harm and more than most people realize.
Here's some really good examples of distancing statements.
I can't imagine what you're going through.
I don't even know what to say.
I can't begin to understand your pain.
When you tell someone that you can't imagine their pain, you inadvertently place yourself
outside of their pain.
You're basically announcing from a distance that you don't understand their experience
instead of leaning into it or trying to understand.
There's another episode of Griefgoer I did about why the phrase, "I can't imagine what
you're going through" is not helpful.
So I encourage you to go back and listen to that.
And for a grieving person who already feels profoundly isolated, many, many grieving people
report feeling alone, being told that their pain is unimaginable or unbelievable can
deepen the loneliness that they feel and ways that are hard to put in towards.
And what grievers need is not perfect understanding.
You do not need to live in their shoes.
You cannot.
It is your willingness to try.
So here's what to say instead.
I imagine or I can imagine that this is one of the hardest things you've ever been through.
That's an easy mental leap to make.
I can imagine this is the hardest thing you've ever had to live through.
Great thing to say to someone who's grieving.
I'll keep checking in on you.
Or if you really do want to try to wrap your head around what's going on with them and
you're close enough to them, you can say, "I want to understand as much as you're willing
to share with me today."
The shift from "I can't imagine" to "I imagine" or "I can imagine" is small.
The difference it makes to a grieving person to hear is not.
Finally, Griefgoer I'm sharing number seven, which is the most popular shitty phrase
to say to someone grieving.
And that is nothing.
The most painful thing you can offer anyone who is grieving is your silence.
No card, no text, no call, no mention of the loss ever.
For Grievers, this may be a coworker who knew that they were going through a divorce and
never said a word about it.
It could be a friend who heard about their diagnosis and went quiet.
It could be a family member who didn't show up for the funeral and never explained why.
I wrote in my book, of course, I'm here right now about a client I worked with his best friend
of 20 years showed up to her mother's funeral and then never spoke to her again with no explanation.
She's alive, she's around, she's in the same neighborhood.
Just absolutely no reason for why she departed my client's life.
This is the painful phrase or lack thereof that grieving people, my students and clients
tell me about the most often.
And it's the unspoken statement that leaves the deepest pain because silence communicates
to grievers something that no cliche or no platitude can.
It is, I don't know what to do with your grief, so I'm pretending it isn't happening.
It makes grievers feel unwanted and betrayed and confused and left alone to sort through
the devastating rubble of their loss.
So, so, so many supporters tell me that they choose silence out of fear of saying the wrong
thing and I get it.
It is scary to sit with someone in pain.
It is scary to try to find words for someone who is grieving.
But saying the wrong thing or trying and fumbling and getting it weird is almost always better
than saying nothing at all.
I often joke that grieving people are fantastic bullshit detectors, they can forgive imperfect
words.
What they find harder to forgive and what they find far more devastating is you as a supporter
disappearing entirely.
So here's what to say instead of saying nothing.
I've been thinking about you, especially during answer, grief season or anniversary here,
especially during the holidays, especially during Jeff's birthday, especially during the
summertime when your dog going to go to the beach with you and run outside.
You can just say, of course this has been so hard.
If you haven't talked to them in a while, you could also say, I'm here for you and I'm
so sorry I haven't said so sooner.
If you have gone quiet on a griever in your life, whether it has been weeks or months
or years, I want to invite you to go to the beach.
Let you to reach out.
It is not too late to reach back out.
Show them that you care through your words and apologize for not being there through your
words.
While they may be surprised to hear from you, they will likely also be relieved to finally
have their loss, pain and grief acknowledged.
And you can do all of that with the power of words alone.
And as I mentioned before, words are free.
Before we go, I want to do a quick overview of the, of course, I'm here right now framework.
I cover this on so many other supporting someone episodes of grief grower, but I'll say it
again here.
Every what to say instead suggestion in this podcast episode comes from the framework that
I developed after years and years of working with grievers and the people supporting them.
It is the title of my book, of course, I'm here right now.
And it works for every type of loss.
Death, divorce diagnosis, estrangement, any major life transition.
And the small griefs, not getting apart in the play.
Of course, you're upset that your friends got parts and you didn't.
Or ruining your favorite dress because it got mud splashed on it.
Oh my gosh, that's so hard.
Right now, I'm here for you as you figure out which dry cleaner you'd like to take it to,
or how you'd like to grieve this article of clothing that your grandmother owned.
So precious to you, there's so many examples of these phrases working for small and extremely
large life changing griefs.
Of course, is your validation phrase.
It says your grief makes sense.
You are not too much.
You are not doing this wrong.
I'm here.
The second one is your presence phrase.
It says, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not afraid of your grief.
I see you.
And right now is your continuity phrase.
It says this moment right now is hard.
And it won't always be this hard.
Right now we'll become another right now.
We'll become another right now.
I will be here for all of it.
You do not have to use these exact words.
Of course, I'm here right now.
Every single time you talk to a grieving person, you can mix and match them.
You can adjust them to fit your relationship.
You can put them in a card or send them in a text or say them out loud over a meal.
And in the book, I cover so many different ways to say, of course, to say I'm here and
to say right now, just so you're not.
Of course, I'm here right now and people into the ground.
What matters is the spirit behind these words.
The motivation, presence and commitment to sticking around for the long haul of a grievous
life.
What I want to leave you with is that the words you choose to support someone grieving matter.
I believe that by and large, none of the people who say garbage phrases to a grieving person
wakes up and thinks, I'm going to say something hurtful and shitty today.
What I try to believe when I have the best of others centered in my heart is that people
supporting grievers are doing the best they can with the tools and information that they
have.
But a lot of times, the tools are outdated and unhelpful and in many cases, they make grief
more isolating and painful than it already is.
The purpose of this podcast episode and my book is to give you better words, ones that
meet grieving people exactly where they are without rushing them or judging them or forcing
meaning upon them or spiritualizing them or totally disappearing on them.
That is all.
That grief support really requires of you.
A willingness to show up.
A handful of phrases that say, I see you, I hear you, it's hard.
I've got you.
This is right now.
This is this season and it makes sense to me that your grief goes on.
If you want a full guide to what to say to someone grieving, including dozens and dozens
of ready-to-use scripts for every single moment of grief, again, large and small griefs as
well, please pick up a copy of, of course, I'm here right now.
It is a short, practical guidebook that is written for friends, family members, co-workers,
neighbors, anyone who cares about a grieving person and wants to show up well without the
guesswork of figuring out what the heck to say.
Thank you so much for joining me today on this episode.
Please share if you are sick and tired of hearing these phrases, if you're a grieving
person, you're like, I'm so sick and tired of hearing this.
Or if you're a supporter and you've found this helpful to you as you comfort someone who's
grieving in your life.
And of course, as we've talked about so many times before, many of us who are grieving
are also supporting and many of us who are supporting are also grieving.
We are often both grievers and supporters at the same time.
So please share this with anyone in your life who is grieving or supporting right now.
[music]
It's all for this episode of "Greef Grower."
Thank you so very much for joining me today.
If you're looking for grief support beyond the show, you can find free workshops, blog
articles, and my new book, of course I'm here right now, three actually helpful things
to say to someone grieving, at shallbeforcithia.com/links.
And if you'd like to get support from me for your unique loss, join me inside my After
Laws Academy, my online course and community.
As a student, I will walk you through my five step grief framework, GRITF, for rebuilding
after loss and you can get live coaching for me every single week to answer your questions.
Replace are always available if you can't attend live.
If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational, or otherwise helpful to you, please
subscribe and leave a review on Apple podcasts or Spotify.
And be sure to share grief grower with a friend, because you never know what someone you love
is going through.
Grief Grower is hosted by me, shallbeforcithia, with theme music composed by Addie Goldstein.
Until next time grief growers, they see you.
I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world, and I love you, because
even through grief, we are growing.
[Music]