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The people who say hurtful things to grievers are almost never deliberately trying to cause

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harm.

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Usually, and this is what they say, they're just trying to help.

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The thing is, they do not know how to help without causing grievers further pain.

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And this gap between what supporters of grievers are trying to do, their intentions, and the

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impact that they actually have on grieving people is exactly why I wanted to put this podcast

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episode together for you today.

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I'm going to outline the seven worst things that people say to grievers.

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You will not only know what not to say, you will also have a ton, a ton, a ton of handy

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bite-sized scripts that you can use at any time someone in your orbit is facing any sort of loss.

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I am so honored to be here with you as always.

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If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back.

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And if you are new to me and my work, hello.

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My name is Shelby for Scythia.

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I am a grief coach, three time author, and the founder of Life After Loss Academy, where

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I've helped thousands of grieving people stop feeling lost, stuck, broken, and alone,

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and start building lives that they genuinely love from the lives that lost, forced them

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to live.

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This not only includes death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup, major

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diagnosis, and any other loss that changes your life.

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Here on Grief Grow, we believe that grief is not something that we get over.

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It is something that we grow with and alongside, and that by treating grief less like a problem

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to be solved, and more, like an invitation to live more deeply, we can create meaningful

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lives that are rich with the memories we carry, the struggles that we have faced, and

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the preciousness of what it is to be right here and right now.

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Today's episode, I'm continuing my supporting someone series, which is inspired by my new

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book.

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Of course, I'm here right now, three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving,

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and we're going to be covering the seven worst things to say to someone grieving, and

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what to say instead.

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Because just about every single week, a grieving person shares something hurtful or shitty

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or awful that someone in their life said to them, and this reminds me so much of just

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how powerful and impactful words can be after loss.

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It is literally the thesis of, of course, I'm here right now, is the words we say matter,

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and that when we change the words we say to people who are grieving, we change the ways

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they heal.

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We literally change the world.

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As my friend Lisa Kefauver says, words make worlds.

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When grievers receive hurtful words like this, they might be comments from well-meaning

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coworkers, it work functions, or it might be a text from a family member who is just

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trying to help, or it might be a card from a friend who clearly had good intentions, but

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somehow managed to write exactly the wrong thing.

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It could also be a comment on social media from a stranger who believes that they know

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somehow, miraculously, the best solution to grief.

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Every time I hear or read one of these stories, I feel two things simultaneously.

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One, deep compassion for the griever who received these words, like my heart breaks for them,

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and deep heartache for the person who said them, like, "Oh honey, no, like ignorance, don't

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do it."

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And the reason I feel this is because after more than 10 years of supporting grieving people,

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I can tell you that the people who say hurtful things to grievers are almost never deliberately

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trying to cause harm.

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And this is what they say, they're just trying to help.

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The thing is, they do not know how to help without causing grievers further pain.

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And this gap between what supporters of grievers are trying to do, their intentions, and the

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impact that they actually have on grieving people is exactly why I wrote, of course I'm here

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right now.

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Again, three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving.

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And it is exactly why I wanted to put this podcast episode together for you today.

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So today I'm going to outline the seven worst things that people say to grievers buckle

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up.

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For each one, I will describe exactly why it's a problem and it misses the mark.

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What you can say instead, and I will be using the framework inside my book, of course

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I'm here right now.

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So you'll be noticing these phrases, of course I'm here right now sort of filtered all throughout

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this podcast episode today.

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When you leave this episode, when you stop listening, you will not only know what not to

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say, so please do not say these phrases to grieving people, you will also have a ton, a ton,

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a ton of handy bite-sized scripts that you can use at any time someone in your orbit is facing

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any sort of loss.

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Again, I joke that I cover the 3D's, death divorce and diagnosis, but any other loss that changes

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your life.

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Let's get started.

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The first one is meeting making statements.

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These are they're in a better place or any other spiritual or meaning making shortcuts.

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Some of the most offensive phrases to lob in a grieving person's direction are ones

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that assign meaning to their loss without actually consulting the griever themselves.

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These statements, what they do, is essentially force your perspective or your definition of

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meaning onto the griever, which does the opposite of making them feel better, and they are so

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embedded in our grief vocabulary as a society that a lot of people just say them on autopilot

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without stopping to consider what they actually communicate to the person on the receiving

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end of those phrases.

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What phrases like this imply is, "Your pain has a purpose.

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It has a meaning," which means you should probably feel okay about it.

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Examples of this include, "Everything happens for a reason."

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God needed another angel.

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They're in a better place.

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There are plenty of fish in the sea.

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God doesn't close a door without opening a window and it wasn't meant to be.

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The problem with these phrases is that grievers are not okay about it and being told

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even with fluff, even with spirituality embedded in it, even with love, that their loss was

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part of a plan or that the person that they love to die is somewhere better.

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This is profoundly dismissive.

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It spiritualizes their pain and packages it up into a neat little meaning bow instead

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of sitting with their pain.

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It offers an explanation for what happened instead of offering empathy and compassion.

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For any grieving person who doesn't share the same spiritual beliefs as you, it feels alienating

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and invalidating on top of everything else.

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Like not only are you trying to make meaning from my grief, you are talking to me about a

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God or spirituality that I do not believe in.

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It feels like you do not understand their loss and that you do not even give a crap to

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get to know them personally and what they might believe or what they might like to make

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meaning of.

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So instead of reaching for everything happens for a reason or God has a plan or it wasn't

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meant to work out, I encourage you to try to say, of course, insert loss is devastating,

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of course divorce is devastating, of course the death of your spouse is devastating.

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Another one, it's okay if meaning or reason is hard to find right now.

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That's a wonderfully validating statement for somebody who's grieving.

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Or you could say something like, I'm here with you in the pain, uncertainty, awfulness,

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answer your word of choice here, I'm here with you in it.

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These phrases do not try to explain the loss or make meaning from it or dress it up with

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purpose.

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They simply say, I see your pain and I am not going to be a person who rushes you towards

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making sense of it.

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Got it?

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Let's go on to the next one.

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Number two is vague statements.

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These are sorry for your loss and other empty phrases.

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These phrases in and of themselves are not malicious or like spiritually presumptuous,

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they don't presume a meaning or purpose or a religion even, but they're impersonal.

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And grievers can feel the difference between that and something that actually feels authentic

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immediately.

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So common phrases that are vague are sorry for your loss.

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My deepest condolences, thinking of you during this difficult time.

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When you say phrases like this, without mentioning the person who died, without talking about

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the relationship that ended without naming the diagnosis that changed everything, it

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sends a subtle but painful message that says, I acknowledge something happened, I just

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don't want to get too close to it.

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It is the grief equivalent of like a form letter, like you just filled in the blanks or

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just like, yep, I'll take that absolutely bland message and just send it as is.

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I do not need to personalize that at all.

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And grievers who are desperately longing to feel seen and remembered, they notice when

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they receive this blandness, one of the most popular videos of mine that blew up on Facebook

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more than two million views has me critiquing like, please don't say sorry for your loss.

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Please say something else instead and I gave a bunch of lovely examples.

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But sorry for your loss in and of itself is really generic and so many grievers were chiming

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in the comments saying, I just felt so sick feeling stuck in a parade of never ending sorry for

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your loss, sorry for your loss, sorry for your loss, sorry for your loss.

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No one ever mentioned my daughter.

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No one ever mentioned the breakup.

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No one ever mentioned my cat who died.

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No one ever mentioned the job loss or the fact that we needed to move or the fact that we

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lost all this money in addition to it.

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No one ever mentioned that.

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They would just say, sorry for your loss and then move on with their lives and they would

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never speak to me again.

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So wonderful things to say instead that are much more personal are things like, I've been

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thinking about insert person's name every single day or of course your heart broken over

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insert specific loss, of course your heart broken over losing your job or you could say

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I'm here for you and I haven't forgotten that you're grieving insert loss.

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I'm here for you.

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It's the holidays and I haven't forgotten that you're grieving your brother.

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It's not a wonderful and specific thing to say to someone who's grieving and specificity

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is what separates a phrase that comforts from one that merely like checks a box, fills

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out a form and moves on.

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You do not need to be a poet.

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You do not need to be a words person.

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You do not need to be good at grief.

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You just need to name the loss that happened or the person who died and genuinely mean it

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as you are comforting your grieving person with words.

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The third type of phrase that's harmful is judgment statements, things like aren't you

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over it yet and other mean or critical words.

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Whether you have had an experience with grief or not society often teaches us that there

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are certain ways that grief should unfold, that there are certain ways that grief should

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look.

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But these societal beliefs are often wrong and do not make room for the fullness of what

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griefers experience with loss, especially losses that go beyond death.

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In a world that is full of grieving people and people who think they know how grief should

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go, analytical, judgmental and even outright critical statements are fucking everywhere.

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And these are the most overtly hurtful phrases on the list, yet they get said to grievous

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faces and behind their backs and sometimes actually disguised as genuine concern for how

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a grieving person is doing.

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So for example, I can't believe you're still so upset about this.

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On this said to me, from a college professor after my mom died, you can't grieve forever.

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It's been a year you really need to move on.

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You're not over it by now, you really need to get some help or you have to stop letting

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this define you.

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Every single one of these phrases carries a verdict inside of it.

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It is, your grief is taking too long, you are doing this wrong.

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People who have experienced loss, deep profound devastating life altering worldview rearranging

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loss.

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No, that grief has no finish line.

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There is no correct timeline for processing the death of a person that you love or the

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end of a relationship or the loss of a life that you thought you would be living by now.

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When you tell a grieving person that they should be over it, you are not just sharing your

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opinion.

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You are delivering a judgment that makes them feel broken or defective or alone in their

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grief.

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So here is what to say instead.

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Of course this is still difficult.

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For grief doesn't follow a schedule, it makes sense that you're grieving in this season.

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I'm here for you for as long as you need and that's not going to change.

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What I need to remind you of with these phrases specifically is that no griever has ever

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healed faster because someone told them to hurry up.

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But many have found their way towards healing because someone told them there was no rush

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and stood by while they processed their pain.

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That is how you use words to genuinely help grievers after a loss.

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Okay.

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Number four is prescriptive statements.

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You just need to stay busy and other icky sheds.

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If you hear a phrase and you're like, "Oh, I feel like they're shooting me or they're

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shooting themselves."

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There's like a funny joke that goes around the internet of like, "Don't show it yourself

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because it sounds like something else."

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If you hear a phrase and it sounds like that, it's probably one of the ones not to say.

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Griever's statements like you should are often well-intentioned advice that is dressed up

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or disguised as support.

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And to grievers' ears, they land as unwelcome critique of the way that they are grieving.

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For instance, you just need to stay busy.

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You should be strong for your kids.

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You just need to get back out there.

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Or have you tried exercising or essential oils or doing insert diet here or getting on

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GLP ones?

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And the subtext of every single one of these prescriptive phrases is the same.

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Your grief is a problem to be solved.

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Here is my solution.

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Here's the thing though, grieving people didn't ask for it.

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And here's the other thing, staying busy doesn't heal grief.

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It postpones it.

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Being strong for others doesn't take away pain.

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It suppresses it.

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And while exercise or nutrition or fresh air, all of these things are wonderful and can

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absolutely support a grieving person's well-being, leading your support statements with lifestyle

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prescriptions, you should do this with your life.

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Signals to them that their emotional pain, their grief, is an inconvenience to be managed

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or covered up rather than a human experience that needs to be witnessed.

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So here is what to say instead of these garbage prescriptive statements.

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You don't have to do anything right now, except what helps you survive.

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I'm here as you figure out your next right step, whatever that looks like today.

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On one of my all-time favorites that we talked about when we held a book club for my book,

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of course, I'm here right now, this is exactly as hard as you think it is.

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Can you imagine receiving that as a griever?

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Like I'm not crazy.

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This is exactly as hard as I think it is and it's so hard.

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The wonderful thing about these substitute phrases is that acknowledging that everyone

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gets through grief differently rather than telling them how to get through grief is one

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of the most powerful things that you as a supporter can do.

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And the very best part is, and this is true for all the phrases in this episode, it costs

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you nothing.

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You are not buying them a package of essential oils and leaving them on their doorstep.

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You are not signing them up for some gym subscription.

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You are offering them kind of words instead of forcing them or telling them they need to

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change their lives.

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And something about their grief is broken, bad, wrong, unhealthy.

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Alrighty, let's move on to number five, toxic positivity statements.

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These are time heals all wounds, silver linings, and the trap of at least.

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As a supporter, I know, I know, I know.

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And it makes sense to me that you really want to make your grieving friend or family member

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feel better.

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But cheering them on, by way of toxic positivity statements, words that bury the hard stuff

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and insist that they be happy is not helpful.

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So here's some examples of, like, at least statements or other toxic positivity companions.

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At least you had so many good years together, or at least they live a long life.

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At least you're young, you can date or marry or try again.

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At least they aren't suffering anymore.

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At least you can have more kids.

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At least you can get another pet.

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Look on the bright side.

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Time heals all wounds.

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Every at least or bright side statement contains a hidden instruction.

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Find the silver lining.

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Be grateful.

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Stop focusing on what you lost.

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But the thing about toxic positivity is that it does not erase grief.

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It buries it under this very, very thin layer of optimism and tells the griever stop digging.

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Here's what to say instead of toxic positivity.

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One, right now I can see how hope or happiness feels hard for you to access that totally

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makes sense to me.

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Two, of course you're still grieving.

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Lost, insert lost here.

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Your divorce is still true.

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That death is still true.

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Your cat is still dead.

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Your aunt is still gone.

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The house that you lived in as a child is still demolished.

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These things are still true.

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They're fundamental truths of your life that will always be true.

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Of course you're still grieving.

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That makes sense to me.

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Three, I'm not going to rush you towards a bright side or silver lining.

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I'm here.

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And I'm not afraid to hear how grief is really going for you and emphasize that really

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going.

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There are dozens of people in a griever's life at any given time asking them, how are you?

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We did a whole separate grief grower episode and how to respond to that awful question.

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But to say, I'm not going to rush you towards a silver lining.

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I'm here and I'm not afraid to hear how life is really going for you.

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That's a different way of checking in on someone who is grieving.

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Because when someone you care about is grieving, your job is not to point out bright sides.

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What your griever needs is someone willing to sit with them in the dark.

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And these words can be doorways into helping you do that.

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Number six is kind of a stickier one and one that people don't always think of.

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It's disconnection statements.

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For instance, I can't imagine what you're going through and other language that creates

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distance metaphorically between you and the person who's grieving.

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And this category is stickier and it surprises a lot of supporters when it makes this list.

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Because statements like these can sound humble or kind or even self-aware.

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But these statements cause a lot of harm and more than most people realize.

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Here's some really good examples of distancing statements.

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I can't imagine what you're going through.

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I don't even know what to say.

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I can't begin to understand your pain.

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When you tell someone that you can't imagine their pain, you inadvertently place yourself

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outside of their pain.

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You're basically announcing from a distance that you don't understand their experience

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instead of leaning into it or trying to understand.

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There's another episode of Griefgoer I did about why the phrase, "I can't imagine what

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you're going through" is not helpful.

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So I encourage you to go back and listen to that.

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And for a grieving person who already feels profoundly isolated, many, many grieving people

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report feeling alone, being told that their pain is unimaginable or unbelievable can

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deepen the loneliness that they feel and ways that are hard to put in towards.

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And what grievers need is not perfect understanding.

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You do not need to live in their shoes.

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You cannot.

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It is your willingness to try.

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So here's what to say instead.

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I imagine or I can imagine that this is one of the hardest things you've ever been through.

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That's an easy mental leap to make.

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I can imagine this is the hardest thing you've ever had to live through.

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Great thing to say to someone who's grieving.

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I'll keep checking in on you.

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Or if you really do want to try to wrap your head around what's going on with them and

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you're close enough to them, you can say, "I want to understand as much as you're willing

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to share with me today."

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The shift from "I can't imagine" to "I imagine" or "I can imagine" is small.

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The difference it makes to a grieving person to hear is not.

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Finally, Griefgoer I'm sharing number seven, which is the most popular shitty phrase

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to say to someone grieving.

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And that is nothing.

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The most painful thing you can offer anyone who is grieving is your silence.

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No card, no text, no call, no mention of the loss ever.

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For Grievers, this may be a coworker who knew that they were going through a divorce and

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never said a word about it.

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It could be a friend who heard about their diagnosis and went quiet.

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It could be a family member who didn't show up for the funeral and never explained why.

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I wrote in my book, of course, I'm here right now about a client I worked with his best friend

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of 20 years showed up to her mother's funeral and then never spoke to her again with no explanation.

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She's alive, she's around, she's in the same neighborhood.

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Just absolutely no reason for why she departed my client's life.

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This is the painful phrase or lack thereof that grieving people, my students and clients

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tell me about the most often.

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And it's the unspoken statement that leaves the deepest pain because silence communicates

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to grievers something that no cliche or no platitude can.

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It is, I don't know what to do with your grief, so I'm pretending it isn't happening.

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It makes grievers feel unwanted and betrayed and confused and left alone to sort through

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the devastating rubble of their loss.

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So, so, so many supporters tell me that they choose silence out of fear of saying the wrong

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thing and I get it.

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It is scary to sit with someone in pain.

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It is scary to try to find words for someone who is grieving.

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But saying the wrong thing or trying and fumbling and getting it weird is almost always better

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than saying nothing at all.

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I often joke that grieving people are fantastic bullshit detectors, they can forgive imperfect

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words.

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What they find harder to forgive and what they find far more devastating is you as a supporter

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disappearing entirely.

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So here's what to say instead of saying nothing.

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I've been thinking about you, especially during answer, grief season or anniversary here,

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especially during the holidays, especially during Jeff's birthday, especially during the

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00:22:45,780 --> 00:22:49,780
summertime when your dog going to go to the beach with you and run outside.

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You can just say, of course this has been so hard.

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If you haven't talked to them in a while, you could also say, I'm here for you and I'm

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so sorry I haven't said so sooner.

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00:22:59,980 --> 00:23:03,700
If you have gone quiet on a griever in your life, whether it has been weeks or months

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00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:06,180
or years, I want to invite you to go to the beach.

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Let you to reach out.

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It is not too late to reach back out.

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Show them that you care through your words and apologize for not being there through your

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words.

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While they may be surprised to hear from you, they will likely also be relieved to finally

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have their loss, pain and grief acknowledged.

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And you can do all of that with the power of words alone.

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And as I mentioned before, words are free.

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Before we go, I want to do a quick overview of the, of course, I'm here right now framework.

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I cover this on so many other supporting someone episodes of grief grower, but I'll say it

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again here.

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Every what to say instead suggestion in this podcast episode comes from the framework that

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I developed after years and years of working with grievers and the people supporting them.

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It is the title of my book, of course, I'm here right now.

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And it works for every type of loss.

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Death, divorce diagnosis, estrangement, any major life transition.

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And the small griefs, not getting apart in the play.

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Of course, you're upset that your friends got parts and you didn't.

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Or ruining your favorite dress because it got mud splashed on it.

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00:24:13,860 --> 00:24:15,100
Oh my gosh, that's so hard.

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00:24:15,100 --> 00:24:19,780
Right now, I'm here for you as you figure out which dry cleaner you'd like to take it to,

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00:24:19,780 --> 00:24:23,060
or how you'd like to grieve this article of clothing that your grandmother owned.

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So precious to you, there's so many examples of these phrases working for small and extremely

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00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:31,620
large life changing griefs.

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Of course, is your validation phrase.

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00:24:34,460 --> 00:24:35,980
It says your grief makes sense.

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00:24:35,980 --> 00:24:37,220
You are not too much.

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00:24:37,220 --> 00:24:38,740
You are not doing this wrong.

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I'm here.

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The second one is your presence phrase.

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It says, I'm not going anywhere.

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I'm not afraid of your grief.

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00:24:45,260 --> 00:24:46,660
I see you.

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00:24:46,660 --> 00:24:48,540
And right now is your continuity phrase.

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00:24:48,540 --> 00:24:51,580
It says this moment right now is hard.

401
00:24:51,580 --> 00:24:53,380
And it won't always be this hard.

402
00:24:53,380 --> 00:24:54,860
Right now we'll become another right now.

403
00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:55,860
We'll become another right now.

404
00:24:55,860 --> 00:24:57,500
We'll become another right now.

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00:24:57,500 --> 00:24:59,940
I will be here for all of it.

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00:24:59,940 --> 00:25:01,460
You do not have to use these exact words.

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00:25:01,460 --> 00:25:02,660
Of course, I'm here right now.

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00:25:02,660 --> 00:25:05,980
Every single time you talk to a grieving person, you can mix and match them.

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00:25:05,980 --> 00:25:08,060
You can adjust them to fit your relationship.

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00:25:08,060 --> 00:25:12,180
You can put them in a card or send them in a text or say them out loud over a meal.

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00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:16,740
And in the book, I cover so many different ways to say, of course, to say I'm here and

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00:25:16,740 --> 00:25:18,740
to say right now, just so you're not.

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00:25:18,740 --> 00:25:22,620
Of course, I'm here right now and people into the ground.

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00:25:22,620 --> 00:25:26,180
What matters is the spirit behind these words.

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00:25:26,180 --> 00:25:31,300
The motivation, presence and commitment to sticking around for the long haul of a grievous

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life.

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What I want to leave you with is that the words you choose to support someone grieving matter.

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I believe that by and large, none of the people who say garbage phrases to a grieving person

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wakes up and thinks, I'm going to say something hurtful and shitty today.

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00:25:49,460 --> 00:25:56,140
What I try to believe when I have the best of others centered in my heart is that people

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supporting grievers are doing the best they can with the tools and information that they

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have.

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But a lot of times, the tools are outdated and unhelpful and in many cases, they make grief

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00:26:06,140 --> 00:26:10,180
more isolating and painful than it already is.

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00:26:10,180 --> 00:26:15,300
The purpose of this podcast episode and my book is to give you better words, ones that

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00:26:15,300 --> 00:26:19,300
meet grieving people exactly where they are without rushing them or judging them or forcing

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00:26:19,300 --> 00:26:24,180
meaning upon them or spiritualizing them or totally disappearing on them.

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That is all.

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00:26:25,180 --> 00:26:26,180
That is all.

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00:26:26,180 --> 00:26:28,740
That grief support really requires of you.

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00:26:28,740 --> 00:26:30,060
A willingness to show up.

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00:26:30,060 --> 00:26:34,180
A handful of phrases that say, I see you, I hear you, it's hard.

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I've got you.

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00:26:35,540 --> 00:26:37,060
This is right now.

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00:26:37,060 --> 00:26:42,700
This is this season and it makes sense to me that your grief goes on.

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00:26:42,700 --> 00:26:46,940
If you want a full guide to what to say to someone grieving, including dozens and dozens

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00:26:46,940 --> 00:26:50,900
of ready-to-use scripts for every single moment of grief, again, large and small griefs as

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00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:54,140
well, please pick up a copy of, of course, I'm here right now.

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00:26:54,140 --> 00:26:58,980
It is a short, practical guidebook that is written for friends, family members, co-workers,

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00:26:58,980 --> 00:27:03,640
neighbors, anyone who cares about a grieving person and wants to show up well without the

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00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:07,180
guesswork of figuring out what the heck to say.

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00:27:07,180 --> 00:27:09,460
Thank you so much for joining me today on this episode.

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00:27:09,460 --> 00:27:12,380
Please share if you are sick and tired of hearing these phrases, if you're a grieving

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00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:14,940
person, you're like, I'm so sick and tired of hearing this.

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00:27:14,940 --> 00:27:20,300
Or if you're a supporter and you've found this helpful to you as you comfort someone who's

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00:27:20,300 --> 00:27:21,500
grieving in your life.

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00:27:21,500 --> 00:27:25,500
And of course, as we've talked about so many times before, many of us who are grieving

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00:27:25,500 --> 00:27:30,260
are also supporting and many of us who are supporting are also grieving.

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00:27:30,260 --> 00:27:34,100
We are often both grievers and supporters at the same time.

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So please share this with anyone in your life who is grieving or supporting right now.

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00:27:38,300 --> 00:27:39,300
[music]

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00:27:39,300 --> 00:27:46,420
It's all for this episode of "Greef Grower."

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Thank you so very much for joining me today.

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00:27:49,100 --> 00:27:52,660
If you're looking for grief support beyond the show, you can find free workshops, blog

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00:27:52,660 --> 00:27:56,940
articles, and my new book, of course I'm here right now, three actually helpful things

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00:27:56,940 --> 00:28:01,740
to say to someone grieving, at shallbeforcithia.com/links.

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00:28:01,740 --> 00:28:05,940
And if you'd like to get support from me for your unique loss, join me inside my After

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00:28:05,940 --> 00:28:09,220
Laws Academy, my online course and community.

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00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:14,140
As a student, I will walk you through my five step grief framework, GRITF, for rebuilding

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00:28:14,140 --> 00:28:19,660
after loss and you can get live coaching for me every single week to answer your questions.

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Replace are always available if you can't attend live.

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If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational, or otherwise helpful to you, please

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subscribe and leave a review on Apple podcasts or Spotify.

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And be sure to share grief grower with a friend, because you never know what someone you love

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is going through.

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Grief Grower is hosted by me, shallbeforcithia, with theme music composed by Addie Goldstein.

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Until next time grief growers, they see you.

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I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world, and I love you, because

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even through grief, we are growing.

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[Music]