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There's kind of two different directions.

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I can't imagine what you're going through takes.

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The first is I can't imagine what you're going through.

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It's like, well, you can't imagine it, but you don't want to.

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And the other one, I can't imagine what you're going through is you actually can't

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imagine what I'm experiencing.

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So we are not related.

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We cannot relate.

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There is no thread or string or tether tying us together.

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We are entirely separate entities and there is distance in pain in both of these tracks

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that I can't imagine takes.

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Hi there, grief growers and welcome back to grief grower.

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I am in the dead center.

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All puns included of probably the griefiest week of the year.

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I did an Instagram or a threads post recently.

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Both.

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I did both recently about how this time of year has replaced the holiday season

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as the biggest griefiest time in my calendar.

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It used to be Thanksgiving in the lead up to Christmas because my mom died the day

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after Christmas and kind of we found out that her breast cancer had come back

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around Thanksgiving, got the news she was going to die a week before Christmas.

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We're told she had six weeks to six months to live and then she died in seven days

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the day after Christmas.

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And so kind of that whole season of Thanksgiving and the lights going up and people

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singing carols and giving gifts to each other and like things being married and

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bright was always the worst part of year for my grief.

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And that's the worst part of year for a lot of people's griefs because the holidays

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can be really hard.

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In general, there's an expectation to perform joy and also if you grew up in the

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South like me like send out a Christmas newsletter of like here's all the amazing

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things that happened this year and that has never been my reality.

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But only recently in the last three years has the month of May become probably

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the worst season of my life.

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There's Mother's Day, which I graduated on Mother's Day more than 11 years ago

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after my mom died.

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My best friend died suddenly from COVID on May 13th.

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So I literally just passed that milestone and the one that's coming up for me

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tomorrow by the time you hear this podcast on May 16th will have officially been

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one year since my cat who I adopted while I was in college died.

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And that's a that's a big one for me.

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I think a lot of people don't acknowledge or recognize how big or significant

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pet loss is to our lives.

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But pets are so interwoven into our routines and our rituals and how we go

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about our days that do not have them here and to do not have him here for a whole

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year now is is really like wild to my brain.

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And I still am in that place with my best friend as well to not have had her here

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for three years is really boggling to me like I do not comprehend how that is

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real and true.

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It has felt like forever and nothing all at the same time.

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And I'm in that section of grief still where it seems like time is moving

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very fast and time is moving very slow but it's all happening all at the same time.

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So if you have been alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back.

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If all of this is new information to you and you have never heard me speak before, hello.

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My name is Shelby for Scythia.

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I am a grief coach to time author and founder of Life After Loss Academy, which is an online

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course in community that has helped dozens of grieving people stop feeling stuck and

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alone and start building lives that they love that include the losses that they have faced.

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And this includes not only death related losses but divorce and breakup, major diagnoses,

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geographic move, job loss, pet loss and any other big loss that changes your life.

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And on this show and throughout all of the work that I do, I firmly believe that grief

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is not a thing to get over.

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It is something that we grow with and alongside for the rest of our lives because grief is

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not a problem that we have to deal with or figure out.

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It is a relationship that we enter into usually by force.

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But when we exist and learn to coexist with grief, we are not only reminded that yes,

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everything will end, but it makes everything that we're experiencing right now feel all

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that more precious and all that more meaningful grief is one of these ingredients that can

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infuse us with a sense of purpose or value or peace sometimes even in life.

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Because when you know everything is not going to be here forever, I am a firm believer that

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grief is a doorway to empathy.

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It's a doorway to appreciation.

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It's a doorway to rearranging your priorities.

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That's where damn sure.

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It's a doorway to rest and oftentimes especially when you are so limited in what resources

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you have or what energy you have or what time you have grief can be a doorway to creativity

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as well.

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This week we're going to be talking about one of my least favorite platitudes to receive

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as a grieving person and one that I don't receive as often anymore because I talk about

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this so much in public and private circles, but one that I received a lot in the early

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months and years of all of my losses actually.

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And that is I can't imagine what you're going through.

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This is one, if griefers could say what's a phrase that really grinds your gears.

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This is one that usually makes the top 10 if not the top five.

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And to be frank, I can't imagine what you're going through is not comforting.

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And today on the show, I want to talk about why.

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Because I think a lot of people set out a lot of people who are alongside gravers, whether

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they're friends and family, coworkers, medical professionals, nurses, school counselors,

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soccer coaches, people who are alongside grieving people, even people in the grocery store

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who are checking you out at the checkout line, want to say something that's helpful.

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They want to be comforting.

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They want to acknowledge what it is that you're going through.

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But I can't imagine what you're going through feels like somebody just jammed you in the

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chest.

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A lot of people I speak to refer to it as like an electric shock or almost like a shoving

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away.

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They can almost feel it in their body.

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So like I feel it in my soul for sure.

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I feel it in my heart.

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But it can almost also to feel like a pushing away in just a single sentence.

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And if you have been on the receiving end of these words, again, whether you've faced a

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death, a divorce or a breakup, a major diagnosis or another event that has drastically changed

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your life.

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You have felt the weirdness and uncomfortableness and alienation of this phrase in response to

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the circumstances that you're going through.

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You might get it in a sympathy card.

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Somebody might comment it on a social media post.

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You might get an email or a text so there's like a digital footprint of I can't imagine what

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you're going through and people will say it to your face.

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They'll say it to in person.

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And yeah, sure, it's usually offered with the best of intentions.

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People want to help.

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It's supportive, but the positive intentions or the good intentions don't change the fact

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that the impact of it by and large with almost every griever that I've ever spoken to

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is pain.

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And as a person who loves helping grieving people, not only rebuild life after a devastating

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loss, but also talk about the words that can help us do that and how easily words can turn

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into a weapon.

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It's something that I'm really interested in talking about because so many people in life

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after loss talk about these are the words that hurt.

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These are the words that hurt.

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These are the words that hurt and why?

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And it seems like for as much as we're shouting as grievers for as much as we're shouting, the

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world is not listening.

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So this is another attempt to shout, hey, this phrase isn't helpful.

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But also if you're watching this or listening to this and you're a supporter of grieving people,

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I'm going to give you some scripts to say instead.

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So this is a really deep exploration of where did this come from, this phrase, I can't imagine

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what you're going through.

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How do grievers receive it?

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How and why does it feel so icky to them?

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And then what to say instead.

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So let's talk about where I can't imagine what you're going through came from.

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This I couldn't find like a definitive like origin point source of this phrase.

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It seems fairly recent, like it's not something people were saying in like a ye oldie times.

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I'm thinking like Victorian times or even within, you know, maybe a hundred years ago, I don't

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think people were using it then.

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It's fairly recent in terms of human history.

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And from what I can put together, it likely evolved from other expressions of empathy or

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sympathy such as, I'm so sorry for your loss or I can't even begin to understand your pain.

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And I think for a lot of people who are supporting grievers, especially those in grief adjacent

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professions, I think I can't imagine what you're going through feels like an improvement on

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statements they said in the past like I understand or I know what you're going through, which

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very blatantly imply that the speaker, the person trying to offer comfort knows exactly

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what it's like to be in the grievers shoes, which of course is not possible.

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I do not like when people say I know where I totally understand or I absolutely get it.

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I was there in my own life in XYZ because I'm like, no, you don't understand.

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You don't get it.

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You are not living inside of my body and my soul and my spirit and my relationship and my

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experience of what's happening.

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You can get close.

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You may have experienced a similar loss, but just as no two griefs or no two losses are the

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same no two grievers are the same either in a support group, for example, of people who

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are widowed, you will not have the same relationships to the person who died.

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You will not have the same ages, the same geographic locations, the same childhood upbringing,

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the same sociodemographic circumstances to say the least, not to mention, do you have children

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was one of you working inside or outside the home?

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What was your financial situation?

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How did they die?

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You can't ever say I know exactly what you're going through.

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I imagine for a lot of people, I can't imagine what you're going through felt like an improvement

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on that phrase.

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It was probably built or designed or invented.

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However, it came to be with the intention of comforting people and to relay the fact that

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grief is unique.

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We've stopped assuming we know what grievers are going through.

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We've stopped saying, I understand, I relate, I know and started saying, I can't imagine

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what you're going through.

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And in theory, that's supportive, but instead of drawing the person who is offering comfort

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closer to their griever instead of kind of bridging that gap or that distance, it creates

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distance.

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It pushes grieving people away because kind of like these other phrases that have gone

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by the wayside, it has the appearance of deep compassion, but the impact of it is shallow

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and dismissive and painful.

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And in a grief, a literate culture, largely grief, a literate culture, if you're listening

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to this, you're trying to change and that's wonderful.

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But for the most part, our culture prizes things like positivity and control and productivity

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and silver lining.

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So it's like, clean up grief as fast as you can, get over it and get back to normal life.

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It can be a lot easier to say something like, I can't imagine in passing to a grieving

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person kind of like a dry by platitude.

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There you go.

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Can't imagine, okay, bye, I've taken care of that on my to do list.

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I've taken care of checking on that person and I've marked it off of my to do list.

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It takes a fair bit more time and more energy and more presence and focus to pause and take

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a moment to come up with something that is more empathetic and frankly more personal to

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the loss that they faced.

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Here's why a lot of people think this phrase is comforting.

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I think the first reason I think it's comforting is because they don't really know what else

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to say.

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It's a thing on the shelf that's like that appears comforting and so I'll put that in

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my cart and deliver it to a grieving person.

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But I think for a lot of other people who are trying to offer comfort to someone who's

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grieving, they are overwhelmed by the intensity of your loss or the suddenness of how fast

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it happened.

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This was true in my mother diet and when Tammy died and frankly when my cat died as well,

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I have no nothing but sudden losses, which is wild to me or maybe the complexity of your

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grief and all of the moving parts of it is really overwhelming to them.

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A lot of other comfortors or people who are adjacent to grieving people say something like

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I don't want to make them cry or I don't want to remind them of their loss.

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Gravers know we can never be reminded.

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We're always thinking about it.

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And I think a lot of people, especially in this day and age when language is so important

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to all of us for a lot of different reasons, tons and tons of supporters of gravers are

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terrified of saying the wrong thing.

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And there are so many articles including this one that exists on the internet that I'm

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reading from right now.

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You can find it at ShelbyFristhia.com/Blog that say don't say this.

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It's not helpful.

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Frankly, that scares people very rightly so who are trying their best to offer comfort.

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And that is why the second half of this is going to be about what to say instead.

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So with all of those fears and worries and concerns in mind, both things that they are

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personally afraid of and things that they're afraid of sparking inside of you, the grieving

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person, they land on something that they assume is helpful and humble.

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I can't imagine what you're going through.

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And I think for so many people who are alongside gravers this feels safe.

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This feels like a safe script because it avoids assumptions.

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I don't know what you're going through.

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It doesn't risk comparison like when I was grieving uphill in the snow, both ways, etc.,

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etc.

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It is short and very easy to send across any medium text, email, social media in person over

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the phone.

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And it communicates that your grief is big.

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There is a great magnitude.

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I can't imagine what you're going through.

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So there must be a lot of it.

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But beneath the surface of this and I kind of alluded to this before, it's more often

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about the speakers discomfort with grief than the griever's actual experience.

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There's a wonderful time article about COVID pandemic grief from Rebecca Sofer who we had

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on grief grower in episode four.

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And she writes, the truth is, it's not that speakers can't imagine the experience.

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It's that they don't want to.

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In saying that the deep loss someone is feeling is too unbearable to picture, what speakers

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are really doing is drawing a line between them and the grieving person.

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This is not mine.

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It's not ours.

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It is only yours.

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This grief belongs only to you is the implication and what she wrote.

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And that is precisely what I can't imagine does.

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It politely sidesteps the vulnerability of being with grief and being with the person

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who is grieving and bearing witness to grief together.

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And it keeps the onus of coping entirely on you, the grieving person's shoulders, entirely

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on your shoulders.

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So if you're a supporter of a griever right now or you're a grieving person who is like,

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why is this harmful?

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I've never heard this before.

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We can all learn together.

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This is what students and clients have told me when they hear, I can't imagine what you're

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going through.

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This is kind of the, the, the, the, the translator machine that happens in their brain.

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One, your life is too horrific for me to even relate to.

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Two, I'd rather not get close to your pain.

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Three, this is genuinely unimaginable to me.

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So I won't even try.

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Four, your reality is my worst nightmare.

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Five, something like this would never happen to me.

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And six, you and I are fundamentally different.

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Even if it's not what the speaker means when they're trying to comfort you, the grieving

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person, the impact is what matters.

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There's kind of two different directions.

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I can't imagine what you're going through.

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Takes.

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The first is I can't imagine what you're going through.

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It's like, well, you can imagine it, but you don't want to.

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And the other one, I can't imagine what you're going through is you actually can't imagine

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what I'm experiencing.

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So we are not related.

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We cannot relate.

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There is no thread or, or string or tether tying us together.

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We are entirely separate entities.

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And there is distance in pain in both of these tracks that I can't imagine takes.

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There is a really wonderful piece on modern loss by Kim Goldman and she says, when someone

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doesn't know what to say, I can't imagine is a phrase that many of us hear.

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It's said to simultaneously confer great weight upon the situation at hand, while also allowing

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the person commenting to distance themselves from it.

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Neither can I is always my response to I can't imagine.

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I say it to make the point that it's so horrendous that even I, the one who is living through

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this experience can hardly believe I am living through this experience.

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The only difference between me and the person trying to offer me comfort is that I was not

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afforded the luxury of not living through my child's death.

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Exactly, Kim.

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Exactly.

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Grieving people already feel as if their pain is too big and too much and too inconvenient

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for other people to handle.

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And when they hear that someone can't imagine what they're going through, it reinforces

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this idea that they are othered or separate or untouchable or broken.

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And not only that, but despite the fact that there is a very real human person communicating

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with them who wants to comfort them, that human cannot or doesn't want to imagine what

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they're going through.

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So their grieving person is left to deal with the fallout from their loss alone.

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It is exactly the same as saying, I see your pain from way over here.

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And for people listening on the podcast, I'm backing up from the microphone.

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I bet you can hear, I see your pain, but I'm way up here.

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I'm way over here.

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I am touching your pain, as they say in the Grinch Christmas song, with a 39 and a half

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foot pole.

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And so it's like, I'm here for you, but like from like 12 blocks away or from eight states

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away or from 15 countries away or from 80 planets away.

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That is what I can't imagine what you're going through feels like to people who are grieving.

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I want to say kind of clearly, and I hope this metaphor comes across, that the word imagine

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is not the problem.

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Imagination itself is not the problem because when you use imagination to support grieving

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people, I'm talking to supporters now, it can actually be a bridge between you.

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So instead of saying, I can't imagine to say, I can imagine because here's the irony.

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Generally you supporter, people who are talking to grieving people about their losses, they

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can imagine what they're going through.

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You as a supporter, you might not know exactly what it's like to lose your person or experience

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your grievous specific loss, but you can imagine fear, you can imagine despair, you can imagine

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feeling stuck or confused or unmoored in lostness and uncertainty, you can imagine longing

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or aching for somebody who can never come back or waking up over and over again in a life

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that is worse than you ever expected it could be.

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And when you as a supporter of grieving people do try to imagine even clumsily, even imperfectly,

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it creates connection with the person that you're trying to comfort.

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So so many of the people I work with in life after loss academies say that having a friend

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or a family member or a coworker picture their loss actually try to imagine and then offer

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compassion from that sort of empathetic imagining, this is a term I'm inventing right now, it

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doesn't require perfect words.

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It only requires that you be honest about the horror or the agony or the uncertainty

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that you are imagining.

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It's like you're putting yourself in your shoes to the best of your ability and responding

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to that with kindness and empathy and what that does is shows that you are willing to put

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yourself in a place with a grieving person and sit with them in their sorrow instead of

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shrinking away from it or again kind of touching it but like from way over here.

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So here's some things to say to grieving people instead of I can't imagine what you're

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going through and if you're grieving person and you want the people in your life to say

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something different, these are things that you can also offer as substitutions.

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So you could say something like I don't resonate with I can't imagine what you're going through,

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it makes me feel like you don't care to imagine what I'm going through.

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I wish you could say this instead or I would rather you say this instead and that is a boundary

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you can draw for yourself as a grieving person.

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It's not fair that we have to be the teachers of our grief and also be the people who are

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grieving but this is a burden or a task that is for now until society can do better firmly

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on grievous shoulders.

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I am with you through it and we'll talk more at the end of the episode how you can set

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even better and even clearer boundaries with the people in your life as you grieve.

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Okay, here's some scripts for you.

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I am heartbroken that you're going through this.

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I've never experienced what you're facing so you delineate you like I don't know what

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you're going through can't imagine but it's a never way of saying that.

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I've never experienced what you're facing but I want to understand more if you're open

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to sharing.

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Tell me a story or what does your day look like?

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How does your heart feel in this moment?

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Asking opening questions that show your grieving person that you're interested as opposed to

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saying I can't imagine what you're going through full stop is a really lovely way to keep conversation

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going as opposed to putting a big fat period on the end of it.

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I don't know what to say but I'm here with you in it.

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Very simple, very effective.

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I'm imagining how painful this must be and I wish I could make it easier for you.

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And then if you want to be really helpful, actually offer three ways to be helpful or be

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supportive or three practical things you could do to help.

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Know the law and get the mail, address them envelopes, whatever the case may be.

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Think about what your gifts are and how much time you have to offer and then offer from

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that place.

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There's a wonderful old episode of coming back I did with Elisa for an array about that

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that you could certainly go look up.

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It's one of my all type favorites.

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Very simple one as well.

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This is unfair and awful.

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You don't have to carry it alone.

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And this is one of my all time favorites.

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I haven't forgotten about your loss or I haven't forgotten that you're grieving and remembering

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in certain name of loved one here or remembering your dad or remembering your sister or remembering

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your best friend matters to me.

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And sometimes for grieving people just knowing that somebody else is remembering the fact

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that they're grieving is a really, really big deal and does wonders more for offering

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compassion and empathy than I can't imagine what you're going through.

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And each of these phrases does something simple but also radical.

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They stay with the grieving person.

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They do not pivot away from the pain or end it again with a big fat period and move onto

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something else.

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And they don't put up an emotional barrier between you and the person who's grieving.

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They say, "I'm here and I care enough to imagine what you're going through right now."

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So where do we go from here?

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If you have been hurt by these words, if someone has said, "I can't imagine what you're going

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through to you and it's stung, know this.

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You are not being too sensitive.

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Your pain is real and your grief is real."

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And so is your need for connecting and having language directed towards you that feels

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safe and comforting and emotionally honest.

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All of those.

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That bar is not too high for you, dear griever.

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And if you were a supporter or even a griever who has said this phrase to someone grieving

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in the past, it's okay.

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I am offering you like a bucket of compassion right now because probably I have said this

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myself.

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Most of us have before we knew better, but once we know better, we can do better.

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So I invite you kind of for your homework to swap out.

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I can't imagine what you're going through for one of those six scripts that I offered instead

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and just see what happens.

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The next time somebody reveals their lost story to you, substitute one of those.

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Keep them in your phone.

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Keep them in your pocket.

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Keep this podcast episode on your player constantly so you can reference it.

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The next time you need to text somebody who has just shared a horrific thing that has happened

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to them.

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Keep it somewhere where you can see it or again, you can go read the full blog at ShelbyForSitthia.com/Blog.

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It will always live there as well.

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And it's one of these things that is a small, tiny way that you can have this huge ripple

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impact on the people around you.

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You can demonstrate that you not only care, but that you are interested in continuing the

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00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,680
relationship.

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00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:04,200
It doesn't end at, I can't imagine what you're going through, which offers nothing else to

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the conversation.

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00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,840
It is painful and it is unproductive.

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But to say, I hate that this is your reality.

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Or I have not forgotten that you're grieving.

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And I care about remembering your dog who died.

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00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:19,760
Those are ways to keep conversation with a grieving person going, especially when they are feeling

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so tremendously isolated in their grief.

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I know without a shadow of a doubt, and this is one of the things that I'm most passionate

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about in my work, which is what I'm trying.

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I'm clapping my hands, but I'm clapping quietly.

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I'm hoping it doesn't show up on the mic.

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It will definitely show up on YouTube.

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Words matter a shit ton when you're grieving.

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They can build bridges or they can build walls.

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00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,120
They can soothe or they can isolate.

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00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:44,200
They can say, I'm with you or you're on your own.

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Words are some of the most powerful and free tools that we have to comfort people when they're

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00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:50,000
grieving.

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So whether you're a griever or someone supporting a griever, let's all agree to be people who

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choose our words with care.

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And let's all agree to be people who imagine others pain on purpose, even when it hurts.

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Because this is where healing begins, but it is also where connection begins.

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And it is also where community not only begins, but continues.

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And I get chills thinking about this because this is one of the ways that we can keep our friendships

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00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,640
and relationships and working relationships and medical professional relationships and

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00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:28,040
school relationships and extended family and ancestry relationships all intact in the

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00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,040
aftermath of loss.

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One of the biggest pain points grieving people talk about is, yeah, my loss happened and

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00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:36,640
then I lost a ton of friends and a ton of family because they did not know how to respond

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00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:39,880
to my grief and I didn't know how to tell them otherwise.

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I didn't know how to teach them because I didn't have the words.

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And this is one of the things I'm most passionate about in my life.

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00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:52,760
So if you are looking for more scripts, tips and tools for navigating life after loss, most

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00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:56,800
of them wrapped around language, I hope you'll join us in life after loss academy.

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This is an always open online community for griever all over the world where every single

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00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:06,600
week we wrap words around the experience of loss and you small and sometimes silly.

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00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:11,160
If you can handle some fun while you're grieving scripts to make a living with grief feel

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00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:14,720
just a little bit softer and a little bit more possible.

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And as always, you can find the link to learn more and join life after loss academy when

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00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:20,360
you're ready in the show notes.

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And if that's out of reach for you right now, that's a okay.

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I hope you'll keep coming back here to grief grower where I will continue to share words,

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stories, conversations, tools, tips, education about what it is to live a long term relationship

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00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:42,240
with grief and not just one that feels survivable, but one that feels thriveable.

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That feels like there can be meaning and depth and richness and purpose and peace and

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maybe even hope.

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Enjoy all woven in.

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That's all for this episode of Grief Grower.

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Thank you so much for joining me today.

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If you're looking for grief support beyond this show, you can find free workshops, blog

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00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:11,360
articles like the one I read from today and my signature, what's your grief support style

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00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:15,480
quiz at shall be for Scythia.com/links.

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If this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational or otherwise helpful to you, please

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00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:25,120
subscribe and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and please share a grief grower

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00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:29,800
with a friend because you never know what someone you love is going through.

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As always, a huge thank you to the Grief Grower's community for supporting the show on Patreon.

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If you'd like to join them and help me keep this show ad free because grief is hard enough

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without commercials, head to patreon.com/shellbyforsitia.

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As a Patreon supporter, you get to help me choose new topics and guests for the show and

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you're the first to get behind the scenes access to all of my upcoming projects like my

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new book coming out in 2026.

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Grief Grower is hosted by yours truly, shall be for Scythia with music by Addy Goldstein.

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Until next time, Grief Grower's, I see you.

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I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world and I love you.

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Because even through grief, we are growing.

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[Music]