♪ I made a decision ♪
♪ Our face is sunny and sun-heared ♪
♪ On a head of vision ♪
♪ A light ♪
♪ Light be light ♪
- Hey everybody, what's up?
It's for crying out loud on a Monday morning.
- Monday morning.
- It's Tuesday for you.
- I know, you know what?
- You know what?
- You're the Jews in the house.
- Hey, hey, Jews.
- Hey, Jews.
- Get Jew-y.
(laughs)
- Oh my God.
- We're home not celebrating.
- Why aren't you celebrating?
I suppose you're celebrating.
- Oh, you're not singing.
- It's a day of atonement.
- How come you're not at Tony?
- I'm not exactly fasting either
because I'm Jewish as I've told you many times.
(laughs)
I'm culturally Jewish.
I don't, I'm always surprised when the holidays come up.
I'm like, oh, yeah.
- Tupish-va.
(laughs)
- That's party.
(laughs)
- What's the one you make us a coat?
I think it's Tupish-va.
- Is that the one?
- Any kind of there used to have a funny joke about,
like the holidays, Jewish holidays.
It's like, you know, it's Tupish,
it's like it's Hanukkah and the next thing you know,
it's Tupish-va.
(laughs)
- Well, it's fast.
- It is suddenly it's poor.
- It's a weird flash, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What, it's good just, yeah.
- Yeah, it was just Russia-shana, right?
Yeah, nah.
- Was it?
- No.
- Yes, it was.
- It was.
- Russia-shana and Yom Kippur kind of related.
- I see.
- I think.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay, do not quote me on this,
but I'm pretty sure Russia-shana you celebrate the new year
and then Yom Kippur is like a,
- You did.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, you keep it in real.
- I think they're,
they're next to each other for a reason.
- Okay, yeah.
- I got you.
(laughs)
- Hey, let's say hi to our party people,
some of whom we saw on the Zoom.
- We sure did.
We had a great happy hour, Friday night.
- Some of these people were there.
It was kinda nice though,
'cause it was a similar amount of people,
so we got to talk to everybody.
- Yeah, totally.
- But a lot of different people.
- Yes, we give each person a chance to,
so hi and chit-chat.
- And tell us what they like about us.
- Right, no, just kidding.
- 'Cause it makes us feel good.
(laughs)
- How was your week, Steph?
I went to our pal, the doctor that we,
don't say his name.
- Okay.
- I want.
- You know I'm Diamond?
- Yes.
- Our doctor?
- Yeah.
- I love him very much.
- Okay, but.
- No, there's no but,
but I am gonna change doctors.
- No, he like opened up to me.
(sighs)
- Okay, well that's me too.
- Oh, we did it to you too?
- Yes.
(laughs)
- And then I have another friend, the friend that,
oh my God.
- We should talk about this on Patreon.
- Okay, all right, all right, we should.
- Because I feel like we could get caught.
- I know, I don't wanna get caught.
- I know.
- And did he swear you to secrecy?
Was he like, please don't tell anybody else?
- No, he never said that.
- He told me this, he really,
he was like, please don't, please don't,
and then he was going,
when he probably did to you,
he was like, "I usually don't open up like this,
but if you're asking me questions."
- Yes.
- But look at how good you are.
You didn't tell me that he said anything to you.
- I know, but I did tell my other friend
who referred me to him.
I told her and she was like, "What?"
- Yeah.
- She's like, "What are you talking about?"
I've been going in for years.
He's never told me that.
- That's crazy.
- And I felt special, but now,
oh my God.
- Okay, Patreon.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Yeah, 'cause it's kind of juicy.
- I know, and awkward when your GP is like,
when you're sitting in their office
and it becomes like a therapy,
so it's just like, look, all right.
So am I healthy?
Am I dying?
- So am I vitamin D levels, by the way?
- Yeah.
- You just want to insert that in the conversation
somewhere, just like, just work it in.
- Yeah.
- How are my sugar levels?
- It's good.
- Oh, okay.
Back to you, please, proceed.
- Yeah.
- Isn't that weird?
- Yeah.
- All right.
Well, there it goes, that story.
We'll save it for Patreon.
- Well, were you really gonna talk about him?
- Well, it was just a little in--
- Oh, just you were just not gonna say his name,
so then you thought,
- Yeah, I mean, I could, you wanna talk about it?
- Or no.
I don't know, is it really a Patreon?
I don't know.
Oh my God.
- I, I restart the show.
- Okay.
- I'm concerned.
Let's not, let's not.
- Let's be on the safe side.
Listen, if you're already a member of Patreon,
you'll probably enjoy the story.
- Yeah.
- And if you are not,
then you won't, maybe wait a week.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- I'm just kidding.
So how is your health?
- I don't know, they said if they don't call me by Tuesday.
Now, I think I'm good,
but he's ordering all these things, you know.
- Why'd you go in, just for a year or a while?
- Just as my year.
- Oh, okay.
- So I went in, they took my blood, you know, all that stuff.
And did they tell you to have a call onoscopy?
- BS.
- Mm-hmm.
It's one of the reasons why I know I should.
So I'm gonna send you to my guy.
- Okay, oh good.
- But one that he normally sends to, okay.
- Oh, this is awesome.
- He sent me to somebody.
Remember, I told you this story, but it was a few years ago.
- Yeah, I remember, I remember a lot of it.
- Remember I went,
I went into the doctor's office,
to the, he recommended this guy,
and he had some kind of like a German name.
And I go in and he's like an older guy,
but one of these doctors, it's like,
"Listen, dude, you're a but doctor.
"Like, don't be so excited about yourself, you know?"
(laughing)
He acted like he was some kind of like a Beverly Hills
plastic surgeon, right?
- Right.
- And the building was,
this is not gonna be interesting to anybody.
- But where is it?
- But you know when you're driving,
when you're almost at the target in Woodland Hills,
is that big building house?
- Yeah, it looks like the white house.
- Yes.
(laughing)
- Is there at the white house?
- Have you ever wondered, is anybody
that was so weird?
- It was so weird, I was so weird.
- What's happening there?
- Yeah.
- Every time we drive by it,
I act like it's some kind of historical lesson
for the kids and like, there's the white house.
(laughing)
You guys, it's this building that really does look
like the white house.
It's got all these pillars,
and you drive by it on the one hand,
- It does.
- Freeway and you're like,
"Oh my God, what is that?"
- It's one of those buildings that stick out,
and you're like, there's a target, and there's all those,
like strip malls, and then there's this white house.
- Yes.
- And you're like, "Who is?
Who lives there?"
Right.
- Who's the real itters in there?
- Yeah.
- And who is there offices?
- Yeah.
- So the one good part of being recommended
to this doctor, the butt doctor, is,
I was like, "Wow, I've never heard of anybody
who actually is in there, so now I get to see
inside that building."
- Yeah.
- So I go in, and then,
and it was just like a regular office building inside.
Maybe a little bit more like a courthouse than an office building,
which is appropriate, but so I go in the office,
and the guy comes in to greet me,
and he's wearing like a shirt that's unbuttoned.
Remember, it's like, "Are you serious?"
- Well, it's just like, you know, and I had to do something.
- It's a tough job.
- No, it's like he was wearing like a polo shirt.
- Oh, okay.
- That was unbuttoned, so you could see kind of tufts of hair,
and he was like, "Oh, older Jewish man."
He was wearing a big like, you know,
and he had that like, "Well, hello."
And then, remember, he was going like,
"You're old enough to be having a call at all."
- Excape, and I was like, "Oh, God, that's not what you're..."
- That's not what you want when you're going to the butt doctor.
- You're doing it in my face, looks like you're right.
- Literally, you see my butt.
(laughing)
- That's old.
- No, that's terrible, but.
- So there is, the point of this story is that he started saying,
"Well, listen, you're gonna wanna be put out,
but your shirt doesn't cover it."
- I remember that.
- But I got all anxious because I was like,
"Well, everybody, I know just does like the toilet sleep."
Shouldn't that be good?
- Yes.
- And he's like, "Ah, you know, I mean, if that's what you wanna do,
you know, if you can't, basically implying like,
if you can't afford the anesthesia,
which is like $250, if you can't afford it,
yeah, I mean, yeah, sure, go with the toilet sleep.
I mean, I don't like it.
He's like, you know, you're a thin person.
- Fuck, you might feel it.
- You're a thin person.
- Yeah, but don't worry about it, don't worry about it.
I mean, you probably will pop out your stomach.
- I know.
- I was like, what?
So then I'm all paranoid.
- Right.
- I come home, I'm like, John,
who's already had his colonoscopy.
- Yeah, I remember my shoulder then,
my back's a year's older than me.
- Yeah.
- And he says, "I don't know, I didn't pay for any extra anesthesia.
I just got what was like covered on the thing.
I was fine."
- Did they put him out?
- Then I started asking people, "No, he had the toilet sleep."
- I was like, "You're out."
- Right.
- But I asked a bunch of people and they said,
"Yeah, I don't know.
Like I think, no, I don't think I was fully out.
I don't know."
- Right.
- So then I got like paralyzed with fear.
- Right.
- I just never did it.
So the next year I go back to our doctor.
- Oh, Stephanie, you're just like me.
- No, I'm not done with that.
- But I have done it.
- I know.
- So then I go back to the doctor the next year.
He's like, "So did you have the colonoscopy?"
And I was like, "No, not so much."
So I'm like, "Okay, so then he says me."
- I said, "Well, I would have done the same.
It would have taken me another year."
- It took me.
So I was like, to be honest with you,
I said, "The doctor kind of freaked me out
and I told him the story."
I was like, "I just didn't really feel that comfortable."
And then I, but I had paid the $75
for the specialist appointment.
- So you have to go in for an appointment first?
- Well, yes, in this case.
- He said, "Yes."
- So then he said, "I was like, and then I feel like
you told me that that was the only game in town,
that's the only guy."
So I sort of like decided not to do it for then.
And then I said, "Can't I do that thing I hear
the ads about all the time?"
Where you just like poop in a cup and then they just
check it out for you.
- Right, right.
- Like, why can't I do that?
- Right, right.
- He's like, "I just rather that you have a colonoscopy
because they can find polyps,
they can start anything that's already there."
And then if you want the next time, five years later,
you can just do the test and then when you're 60,
do it again.
So I was like, "All right, but I need a different doctor."
So then he says, and I was like, "Dude, you buried the lead."
He's like, "Well, the doctor I personally use
is really great."
- Right.
- Well, why don't you give me the one you have to use?
- Yes, yes.
- Way back then.
- Right.
- I'm gonna use the old house doctor.
- Right.
- House burger.
- Yeah, good.
- When I could be using like the good doctor.
- Yes.
- Good doctor.
- You don't want the ones with the bell pepper sticking out.
- The parsley.
- Parsley doesn't belong in here.
- No.
- God darn it is so hot in here.
- It is hot.
- I'm dying.
Hot flashes, colonoscopies.
- Yeah.
- Okay, so it gives me the name of the good doctor who's,
so you might now remember this story
because now this happened more recently
when I actually got the colonoscopy.
So I go into the other one and he's kind of like
between you and me.
He's in North Hollywood.
- Oh, nice.
Oh, I like North, that's good.
- Yeah, and I went in.
He also is somewhere else that he has office hours.
He's like, and I wanna say,
calabassas or somewhere else.
- Right.
- West like village.
- Somewhere I don't ever frequent.
- Right.
- But anyway, I go in to see him.
He's young, memories kind of cute,
but he's really normal.
- Yes.
- No, but he was like kind of funny.
- Right.
- I felt much more at ease.
And then he just didn't even give me a choice.
He's like, no, you're paying for the anesthesia.
- Uh-huh.
- He's like, I don't even mess around.
- Right.
- He's like, that's it.
- That's good.
- He goes, I don't know, it's like $250,
though they'll hit you up for it.
He's like, but I just don't wanna,
it's not worth making a decision about,
let's just put you out.
And I was like, oh, okay, I like that.
- Yeah.
So did you have to have somebody pick you up?
- I got, yeah, I got dropped off.
Yeah.
But you could take an Uber, I think.
- Yeah.
- Maybe not.
- Just who was Wendy's out here?
- Not yet, but all right.
Okay, so now I know what to look forward to.
Now I know what to plan for.
- And then that, and then remember I did the prep,
and it was that part does suck.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
But not as bad as I thought it would be.
People paint it to be this horrible,
the worst part was being hungry,
but you drink all that stuff,
and then you don't eat that much anyway.
So what do you do?
- Do you notice?
- You don't drink anything.
- You just drink everything.
- Okay, so they tell you,
- This isn't interesting for anybody.
- I think so, right?
- I think so, they tell you not to eat anything,
but I still had a little, I had a light breakfast at 8 AM.
'Cause I was like, you had no meal in your house.
- There's no possible way I'm gonna,
no, I had some egg whites and a piece of toast.
- Oh, okay, with butter.
I felt like that might hold me over better,
but honestly, by 10 AM I was already hungry again.
- Right.
- Didn't do that much for me.
- I am hungry in the morning.
But it was fine, by the afternoon you start drinking the stuff,
by four o'clock in the afternoon,
and then you're full from drinking that,
and then I fell asleep that night,
and it's not, she made it sound like it's the worst thing
that's ever happened, it wasn't that bad.
If anyone's ever been on a fast,
so you don't eat anything the day before?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, fuck.
No, I had breakfast that morning though, that's what I said.
- The morning of the thing.
- No, the morning before the thing.
- Oh, before the thing.
- I had breakfast, then I didn't eat
for the rest of the day, then you go to sleep that night,
then the next morning you go in,
have the procedure, and then you can eat whatever you want.
- Okay, got it.
- The procedure itself was fine.
- Right.
You might recall that I was in the office
getting ready for it, and I was trying to jook around
with people, and they were not in the mood.
- Right.
- I was like, I get it, I get it.
You know?
- Who's hungry?
(laughing)
- Oh, would you have her breakfast this morning?
(laughing)
- Well, call it, ask her to be humorous.
- Right, right.
- You're like, mm-hmm.
(laughing)
- Then I go to sleep.
Night night.
- Yes.
And then I do remember telling them,
can you please put me out before you turn me over
and expose my bum to everybody in this room?
- And they did?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- All right.
I was like, this is embarrassing.
- And it doesn't hurt.
- And it's the worst part.
The worst part is, really, you guys are gonna be looking
at my butt and putting things in there.
Like, "Duh, I don't wanna know if anything that happens."
- Right.
- In my business.
- Yes.
- Just put me to sleep.
- Absolutely.
- Why would?
- Yeah.
- Imagine what I'd say.
- So then when you woke up, there was no pain,
no anything?
- Oh no.
- Mm-mm.
- Okay.
- No.
And, as you know, when you wake up from surgery,
that kind of anesthesia, it's hard to wake up, right?
This is not that hard.
It was a little bit more like waking up from a little nap.
- Okay.
- Like you wake up and you're like,
"Oh, where am I for a second?"
But then you kind of feel fine.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I was, they told me not to drive for the rest of the day,
but honestly, a few hours late.
I went home, laid in bed for a little while,
not because I was in pain, just because I was a little tired.
- Right.
- And then I was fine.
- Okay.
- I went to the store.
- All right, still had to cook dinner, though.
- Yeah, you know.
- Of course.
I know.
- Nobody's like, "No, you, just rest."
- Just the rest.
- You had to call it Oscar, "Peace, sweetheart."
You just, nobody says that, didn't you?
- No, they don't.
- Of course.
- No one cares.
- Nobody cares.
- Mom, what's for dinner?
- Mm-mm.
I had a hysterectomy.
I was asked, they asked me what's going on.
What's for dinner?
And they got home.
Like, you know, laying in bed for how long?
Come on now, you gotta get back on the horse.
- Oh my God, I was just talking to Robin.
- Robin.
- About, about men.
And how they never, it's a weird, I think it's a male thing
and some of you men are gonna get all offended.
- Right.
- And I don't really care.
It seems to be a thing where,
and maybe it's because when we were kids,
there were more traditional roles and the mom figured out
what's for dinner all the time,
but I feel like there's a thing where,
no matter how equal John is,
he still wants to know like, what is the plan?
Like, do you eat?
- Totally, what's the plan?
- They want to know.
- I ain't got what I'm gonna do.
- Yeah, you're gonna be doing.
- Absolutely.
Yeah, no matter how equal.
- There is something to that.
I went out with my friend just to hang out
and it was sort of in the evening
and I started getting texts from John,
like, hey, just what's the plan for dinner?
He's like, well obviously I'm not home.
(laughing)
There's a plan.
You make a plan.
So before you go out, do you tell them,
like, I'm not gonna be home in time for dinner
or I'm going out to dinner?
That's your cue to, well, take care dinner.
- So Tuesday night and Thursday night these days,
I've been teaching.
So from five to eight,
which you think is right during dinner time.
But John's okay waiting for him to get done
to figure out what's for dinner.
Yeah, but finally recently he started,
like, coming up with some sort of a plan
but he usually doesn't get the plan in motion
until after I'm already done teaching.
So therefore I have to be included in it still.
- Remember when I used to drive to Costa Mesa
and I would complain 'cause I would get a call
two hours away, like, being in traffic.
- Hey, so I'm just trying to think about dinner.
Well, think about it on your own time.
I'm driving a listen to a podcast.
(laughing)
Have some thoughts and you don't need to share them
with me, just take care of it.
- Execute them.
(laughing)
Wow. - I need to brainstorm.
- No. - But need to always say,
oh, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm just trying to ask because I thought
in case you had a plan, why would I have a plan?
Why would this time that I drove to Costa Mesa
be different than any other time?
Do you think I was, do you think I really this morning
was like, well, tonight I'm making roast chicken?
- Mm-hmm.
- When I get home, when I get home, our day.
- Right.
I know what to do.
- They don't think.
- Or do they pizza?
- Right.
So they, yeah.
I just, the whole, you take care of,
they never, my kids are always wanting to know
where I am all the time.
- You are. - You're talking to on the phone.
- Me too. - Always, always.
Especially sunny nowadays, you know?
And then they wanna know, okay, well,
we'll wait until mom gets home, then we'll eat.
- Mom, what?
- Why? - Right, you know?
Right.
Or we'll wait 'til she's done exercising, we'll eat.
Just eat.
- Right. - You guys, like, where, there's,
you know, there's leftovers, they're old enough,
by the way, to make themselves.
I make sure that the fridge is stock now.
They're 14, they need to learn how to make, you know,
the day before it's like, what do we need for lunch?
I make sure they have their lunch the next day.
And then like, I gotta watch the clock and go,
oh, here they come, they're gonna come out in a minute.
I gotta warm it up, I gotta get it.
But, you know, I understand that part,
but they're old enough.
And then of course they do this thing where it's like,
yeah, well, it sounded good last night,
but do we have anything else?
Sure we do.
Make it, right?
But do you think we did that to ourselves?
Yes, yes.
I feel like we might have set the stage,
not for our success.
- No, we didn't set us up for failure.
- Because I think it really does go back to me going,
do you want me to put some cream cheese on the bagel?
- I know, absolutely.
- Oh, I don't, there's too many buttons on the toaster I don't
know with how to do to bagel.
And instead of teaching them, how to fish, I just brought
them some salmon on a plate.
- Right, absolutely.
- I'm like okay, let me hear, I'll show you.
And then I show them and then they...
The next time, they still.
- Yeah.
- Zander has learned how to do more stuff than Sadie.
But if I offer, which I sometimes, it's like a,
knee jerk reaction, it's like,
- I'm hungry, and I'm like, oh, there's some fried rice
from Trader Joe's.
Do you want me to make it for you?
Okay, sure.
And then I'm like, I got a story for you.
- What?
- So you're gonna lose your mind, Stephanie, except,
but all right.
So it's about a bagel.
- Once upon a bagel.
- I'm gonna be so mad.
I'm getting mad, my blood pressure just went up.
- I gotta go see our doctor.
- Right, and hear about his life.
- Yes.
- Go to my doctor and hear about his life.
- Go on.
- So, all right, yeah.
The other day, okay.
Let's back up for a second.
Couple months ago, when they were still in school,
or months back when they were still in school.
You know, I don't know if you've heard this before,
but Adam doesn't like sunny.
Doesn't really care that much about Natalia.
And I ask him why.
And he said, because you tell me all the time,
how healthy she is.
So I don't know to worry about her.
And I'm like, not really though.
I don't think that's the reason why I think it's,
'cause she's gonna do what the fuck she wants to do.
And she ain't give a shit what you want her to do.
And I think you know that.
So that's why you're leaving Natalia alone.
That's why Natalia is not jumping into the freezing cold.
- Story about a bagel.
About a bagel.
- Once upon a bagel.
- Okay, way back, when they were still going to school,
we were arguing about what they were gonna need
for breakfast constantly.
And so Brittany comes up with a solution like she does
and was saying, okay, so what do you think Adam could do
to help you?
Because there's a weird thing between sunny and night.
He does not eat anything I make.
- Really? - Really?
I mean, unless Olga made it and I heated up, maybe,
but for the most part, or if I'm like heating up a pizza,
like frozen, whatever, frozen food,
but if I take the time to cook it,
like if I make him oatmeal in the morning, you know?
- You're allowed to defrost, but if you put any
of your own ingredients in there, not so much.
- Not so much.
- No, I don't know.
He's been that way since he was a baby before he could talk.
Like he just doesn't want to, if Olga makes the exact same dish,
he'll eat it up.
I make it, he'll have like one or two, you know,
he plays it down really, you know?
- Right.
- He's just got this thing, but there's just that thing between us.
I don't know, it's weird.
- What do you think?
- I think so, yeah.
Like from when, we know they say it's kind of a power struggle
when they're a kid.
Yeah, I think he's holding onto that fucking thing forever.
It's going to the great.
'Cause he still just doesn't want to eat anything I make, make,
you know, cook.
So, I have that hard time.
So I was telling Brittany about that stuff.
I go, I scramble him his eggs.
He loves an egg and cheese burrito.
I can make that all day long.
I'm a great scramble egg person.
- Okay.
- And doesn't, I just made him that a couple days ago.
Takes two bites and it's like, yeah, okay.
That's fine, I'm good.
He just doesn't.
- A lot of downwind.
- Okay.
- It's not that great.
- Right.
- Don't get too excited.
That's what it's like.
- Yeah, a lot of it.
- Yeah, a lot of it enough.
- Right, not cheesy enough.
- But good try, good effort.
A lot of kids are like that, you think?
- I think so.
Well, I actually not about that,
but about not eating, you know, having two bites.
If you're trying to force them to eat
when they're not that hungry.
- Right, yeah, I know.
So, you know, some mornings he is hungry.
Some mornings, not so much.
All right, so now we're homeschooling
and he doesn't have to eat before he leaves.
He can have something at break time, whatever.
The other morning, he wanted a bagel.
And I've been making bagels for him, you know?
I just automatically get up.
I make myself one, yeah, I totally have to sneak, yeah.
- You may have like a second house
that's got it just a toaster in there.
- Just a toaster?
- Just a toaster.
(laughing)
- Sneak over, get in the car, drive over there,
get your bagel out, toast them a bagel.
- Right, no, you know what I do is I toast it up
and pray that Adam doesn't walk in the kitchen.
- Oh my God, it's like postmates.
- Uh-huh.
- And it's exactly.
And then just because I don't wanna hear his, you know,
nagging, so then it comes up, it pops up,
then sometimes I hear him coming down the stairs, you know,
from he just wakes up, I had a bedroom door open.
- Right.
- And my hurry up, hurry up, I could see where he's coming
and then I'll pop it up, I'm like, that's good enough,
put it on the paper plate and then I'll go into the other room
with the cream cheese.
- My God.
- Into the closet and the pantry closet,
'cause he doesn't go in there and I just,
I, you know, spread it up in there.
- Oh my God, and then send Sunday attacks.
- Yeah, I have it.
- Okay, go down to the pantry.
- I left it in there.
- Totally, that's exactly, I do that,
or if I know he's gonna be in the kitchen,
then I hurry it up and then I rush it down to his room.
Yeah.
- So that's what I have to do.
- John doesn't like it when I make frozen meals in the thing.
Okay, so he's got this thing about how
microwaving plastic is terrible.
- Yeah.
- Which, I know, I'm sure it is.
It totally is, it causes Alzheimer's, that's what he says.
And I'm sure that he's right, but I am so fucking lazy.
- I know.
- But when I'm hungry, I just wanna put the thing in the microwave.
- Yes.
- So he went and bought all these,
- I was, he went, he didn't go anywhere.
He ordered them on Amazon, all these pyrrex dishes,
and others, so I have no excuse.
- So when I make something for the kids,
I dump the frozen meal into a pyrrex thing,
cover it and put it in the microwave.
- But a lot of times I don't do it for myself,
I just can't be bothered.
But same thing, I have to sneak, like if I,
I don't want him to come out,
and I don't want him to see the telltale,
like the box without the empty plastic,
because then he'll know,
- Right.
- Right, scared he's gonna like peek into the microwave
to be like, what's in there?
- Right.
- Is there plastic in there?
- Right.
- And then it has happened before where he's caught me,
and then he's been like, I just asked this one thing.
- Ah.
- I just asked this one thing,
- That's the only thing.
- And then I'm like, I know I usually do, but,
okay, so what happened with the big ol'?
Maybe if you made them dinner,
I wouldn't be so tired and lazy.
- So, yeah, so, all right, he wants a bagel.
So I go and make him his bagel,
and he goes, wait, one more, oh no!
Wait, no, sorry, sorry, it wasn't a bagel at this point,
it was oatmeal, 'cause Natalia, yay.
- Wait.
- He's also not allowed to have an oatmeal?
I mean, I've been eating oatmeal for breakfast
for the last like, 20 more.
- Of course, yes, of course.
- What's wrong with oatmeal?
- 'Cause he's a growl, he's a corn,
corn, he needs his protein, I know.
- So he can have protein at the next meal.
- I get it. - But it's not gonna be the stomach.
- I know.
- I'm gonna put it out of my phone.
- I know.
- Steel cut, too, by the way.
Steel cut, mother fucking oats.
- I'm sweetened.
I put the heavy cream, the milk, I stir it up,
I put the sugar and cinnamon and all that,
and with sunny, I put blueberries in it.
I was gonna say, little berries never hurt anyone.
- Right, it's the best.
- Not any omkippur.
- Right.
- Okay.
- Can't have it on berries on your own.
- No, no, no, it's supposed to fast.
- Right, okay, anyway, go on.
- Well, okay, so it's young kippur every day.
And now, for some--
- 'Cause I was sounding a little Jewish,
that's why I was like a little sounding,
a little yenta.
- Yes, okay.
So I make, so what happened is, what happened?
Natalia sends me a text.
(laughing)
She sends me a text, she's like,
"Can you make me oatmeal?"
And I was like, "Yeah, that sounds good,
"I haven't made it in a long time."
So I sent Sonia text and said, "You want some oatmeal,
"I'm making it for her."
Sure, he says.
All right, so I make two bowls of oatmeal.
I bring her the bowl.
- I love that I'm getting tense,
like this is some kind of like a mafia movie.
Like is there gonna be a hit put out?
- Yeah, maybe.
- I'm getting, like, "Oh, don't get caught."
- Leigh, don't take the gun and learn the--
- Stirring it on the, there's horror music playing
while you're stirring it on the stove.
- Right, don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don,
so yeah, I circling like a shark.
So I bring,
"Himney oatmeal, I bring, I'm about to walk down the hall,
"he turns the corner."
Oh, what you got there?
I go, "Ah, that's for Natalia."
- Oh, would Sunny eat?
- No.
- I go, "Well, she asked for it, so I asked him if he wanted some,
"so I gave him some too."
Okay, so you didn't say anything at that point in time?
- No!
- I come back in the kitchen.
We'll on it.
We need to, we need to really, we gotta figure this out.
Bagels and oatmeal in the morning.
You wanna scramble up an egg for him?
By all means, get up and do it.
That's what I told them.
- I don't understand, it's so controlling,
like you can't have a bowl of oatmeal.
- Right.
Right, because he's a growing boy,
and he needs his protein and--
- So what?
- So he can have some protein as soon as he gets hungry again.
That's what I do.
I eat my cream of wheat in the morning,
it used to be oatmeal.
I go back and forth, cream of wheat.
- Me too.
- And then by like 1130,
I'm starting to get hungry again.
So then around there, I start thinking about what I want
for lunch and then by lunch time,
I make some protein.
- Right, no shit.
It's because he wants to control, exactly.
He wants to be able to control.
- And it doesn't matter.
The kids will eat when they're hungry.
They, I mean, and listen,
I'm not saying that across the board.
Yes, when Sadie was a baby, she didn't eat,
and it had to figure that out and got a nutritionist.
But, but, - Right.
- But when is, if there was a problem,
we're gonna address it, but there's not a problem.
They, Sunny will eat, if he's hungry.
- Right.
- So he eats a balance of foods.
- He cares.
- Right.
So, we're in the kitchen.
I tell him this and I tell him like, listen,
if you want to do it, by all means.
But I'm tired of this argument
and I'm not gonna continue.
Why would I make him scream?
I just, by the way, made him scramble eggs
in cheese burrito yesterday and he took two bites
and went back to class.
So, I try, but I don't, you know,
- Also, you're not a sous chef.
You're not, right.
You're not opening the restaurant in the morning
and taking everybody's order.
It's like if somebody says they want oatmeal
and the other person agrees to it.
- Right, right.
- Right on the bowl, exactly.
But I'm not like taking everybody's order.
It's not a freaking room service.
You're not slipping a sheet under their door
with the check mark.
Do you want to OJ with this?
To large or small?
Bacon?
What kind?
Turkey bacon, regular sausage.
- Bacon, right?
- Yeah.
- With your eggs.
I mean, if I had that though,
they wouldn't even want all that.
They would want what, you know,
I said, Sunny doesn't really eat anymore.
- Any other day in a...
- Do you do like any more in the morning?
- Right, like he doesn't eat.
He has like nuts and stuff once in a while,
but he usually doesn't eat
and don't get mad right now
because she asks for the oatmeal.
And by the way, why do you always pick on him?
How come it's not a problem with her?
And he goes, "Because you tell me she eats."
So she eats healthy.
Okay, but still, like, it's a control thing.
So he's like, I don't know why this has to be
such a big discussion.
I said, well, obviously things don't,
it's not working to your liking,
so you figure out a solution.
I, by the way, told you months ago,
'cause Brittany came up with something,
what do you think would be a good way
for the kids to eat healthy?
I said, I would love for Adam to not come about it
as a judgy person to go to Sunny and go,
hey, on a Saturday, let's come with me to Trader Joe's
or we're gonna go to the grocery store.
Let's pick out some snacks
and let's get something that you want to eat in the morning.
And go shopping with him and find out, like,
maybe he's only okay with protein in the morning.
Fine, if that's what he wants, whatever he's okay with,
I don't give a shit.
Whatever, Sunny is gonna eat.
He's still forces Sunny to, okay, it has to be protein.
No yogurt, no cereal.
I guess, but whatever, then fine.
And if he's not hungry, he doesn't, yeah, cheese,
there's stuffed, Sunny would like,
but you take them and figure it out.
You know, he loves avocados.
He likes, he doesn't like avocado toast,
'cause I make it, so, but he likes the leftovers I make for Natai.
I slice up the avocado, he was eating that for a long time.
Whatever, Adam, you figure it out.
I have a lot of avocados and not avocado toast.
'Cause I'm making it.
I'm making it, that's why.
Love carbohydrates.
So, I know.
Anytime there could be,
- Togumnail, right? - Remy meal.
- Amen.
- Right, deal with it. - So, I know, right?
So, I told him that months ago,
I go, what happened?
And by the way, when I told that to him,
I said, he, I said, that's, he goes,
"Oh, okay, that's a good idea."
Did you ever do it?
You know, if it was the other way around,
I'd never hear the end of it, but did you ever do it?
Now, I'm never hearing the end of it still,
because you have a beef with it.
So, then take him to the grocery store,
so, what does he do?
That's a, he goes, that's not, how's that gonna work?
I'm gonna, what?
He was like, that's not gonna work.
That's what he was saying.
He goes, why, he goes, it doesn't have to be that's what he said.
It doesn't have to be that difficult.
Just, and I go, stop.
I don't wanna talk about this anymore.
I'm gonna throw up.
Let's, you figure something out.
You're the one with the issue, you figure it out.
Until then, I'm gonna make him a bagel if he's hungry.
I'm gonna make him oatmeal if he's hungry.
And, so, he goes, oh, and I say, you know,
I'm gonna talk to Brittany later today.
I'll ask her what she thinks.
I'll tell her about this argument and see what she says.
And then, and then he leaves the kitchen.
Then he comes back and he's still like an hour later.
What time you have Brittany today?
And I said, like, 130.
And he goes, well, I'm gonna call in for five minutes.
I just want five minutes.
And I go, it's a radio show.
By the way, I call in.
I'm gonna call in.
Hey, everybody.
That A's calling you guys.
I'm not.
Brittany, A's, go ahead.
First time caller.
What the fuck?
You know, and I go, first of all, I don't have a lot to talk
about with Brittany.
I don't wanna spend my hour, like, five minutes in the middle
of it to get you on the line to hear your take.
I just heard a cabillion times.
You talked to Brittany about it on your time.
How about that?
No, it's just a five minutes, five minutes, five minutes.
And he's like, I gotta go, five minutes.
I'm gonna call it 130.
Gotta have your phone on you, whatever.
I'm like, fine.
I text Matt, because I talked to Brittany, and I text Matt.
I said, Adam's gonna call me at 130.
Call it off.
Well, tell him you can talk to Brittany different time.
I'm not spending my hour.
'Cause Brittany too, she was like, do you remember?
I forgot about this.
'Cause you remember, Lynette, that I wanted you guys to come in
and talk about this same situation about getting you to
on the same page with the food.
Oh my God, you're gonna have to spend 150 or 60 or 70
or 80 or 200 dollars to talk about it.
Right.
So, but he didn't want to.
She's like, she reminded, she goes, you asked him to come in
to talk about it, and he was like, at the time, now we got it.
Like, she's like, I think you two need to be on the same page
as one of the things you're arguing about all the time.
Okay, so let's go in and get on the same page, Adam.
No.
Maybe I should close this door.
Okay, I'll quote it.
So, go on.
Okay, so.
(bell rings)
Anyway, all right.
So I tell him this, I reminded him about that,
which makes him even more angry or,
anytime I have a solution or something,
or I put it back on him, makes him twice as angry.
Right.
Okay, so it shouldn't be that difficult with that.
Just do it.
Just do what I say.
I said, obviously it's not working what you're doing.
It's not working.
And right then, so he was about to leave, by the way.
He was like, I'm gonna call in at one, three.
He's walking down the hallway, Natalia, it's the break time.
They both walk out.
Natalia walks out.
He's about to get his keys walk in.
Natalia, he's like, I'm just wanna,
I'm gonna talk to you later today
because I just don't,
Brit oatmeal, bagels, Natalia comes out and she goes,
I hear, I didn't even see her.
I hear her voice going, my coach told me to eat oatmeal
every morning.
Yes, girl, yes.
Right?
Woo, that's my queen.
That's my queen.
He goes, he just was like defeated.
He's like, okay, I'll talk to you at one, 30.
Yeah, I was like, hi, five Natalia.
She's like, he did.
He told me I should eat steel cut oatmeal.
I did.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah.
What's wrong with that?
Okay, so you canceled the one, 30?
So I set Matt a text and I called it off.
I said, don't tell him not to call it one, 30.
I'm talking, tell him, talk about it.
It's only his problem.
Yeah.
So.
You're not having a problem.
I'm not having a problem.
You're going by the gospel word of Natalia's coach.
Yes.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Right.
So that night, I come home.
I didn't see him the rest of the day.
I went to work in the evening, came back.
By the way, did you tell Brittany about that argument?
Oh, yeah.
Where she reminded me about, remember, you asked him to come in and talk about it and he
said, no, we got it.
Right.
Remember that?
Right.
And she's like, absolutely not.
I'm not taking a few minutes out to hear the same thing.
We hear all the time.
Once again, she's like, that's your hour.
Period.
I was like, yes, yes, girl.
That's right.
So I get home that night at like 10 o'clock a night.
I open the fridge.
She's like, I'm Brittany, bitch.
I'm Brittany, bitch, filled with yogurt and salami and the cheese as sunny likes, filled.
And he's like, yeah, dad and I went to the grocery store.
Oh, see?
He's a lot of to have yogurt.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's not protein.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know.
Fat.
It's just carbs.
It's got the fat.
The real.
It's really.
But it's got to be the right yogurt, the kind that Vinny likes.
The, what's it called?
That one.
Yeah.
Like it's just one person.
Right.
And you know who I don't necessarily agree with.
Not that my body is in any place to defend my position right now.
But that's COVID's fault.
That is not, you know, normal.
Right.
Normally.
It's just too restrictive.
I don't, I don't like if I may just go on record is saying, I don't like restricting
getting kids into restricting.
I agree.
I agree that food is as bad or good.
I, we shouldn't even have an argument over food with these kids.
I mean, eat healthy.
They eat healthy.
I mean, eat healthy.
They eat healthy.
I mean, I'm not going to be the only one who is a little bit scared of that.
Because he was single and spending a lot of time at the gym with his friend.
I didn't have anything to do with his body because he was too thin when I met him.
It was from restricting his calories.
It was like, dude, really?
I have some hash browns.
Yes.
Be a drug.
I know.
I've already immediately did and everything has all been well.
Yeah.
I just don't think that's the best way to eat that.
I feel like restriction either.
I don't think it's good for the kids.
And I don't think, like, listen, am I proud that my kids, you know, that Elby, when she's hungry,
goes and makes a bowl of sugary cereal, like, is that my favorite thing?
No, but I'm not going to go, um, sugary cereal is bad for you because I feel like that sets up a power struggle.
Yeah.
And then when I offer her healthy foods, she's going to want the unhealthy stuff even more.
Right.
And then she'll let it be like, hey, sometimes we eat pizza for dinner from Domino's and sometimes we eat a nice, healthy meal.
Right.
You know, BLTs with turkey bacon, some oven baked French, like, right.
Of course.
I think it's moderation across the board.
Yeah.
I know.
It is.
And also, you don't want to be arguing about the food that they're eating, especially in front of them.
100%.
You know, like, and, and, and, sunny, I don't think he's going to have, like, a weirdo thing with bagels.
I'm worried about that because he seems just fine accepting it when Adam's not around.
It's when Adam's around.
He, he, he has to make, you know, like, he likes a bowl of cereal at night, you know, for his dessert.
And if he's walking down the hall, spilling in a little bit like he does, and then Adam comes walking out.
A bowl of cereal.
Right.
A bowl of cereal.
It's not a walking food.
No.
And not when you're a kid either.
And then, actually, when they're holding it with one hand and doing something like trying to, like, fix the pillow on the couch just right so
when they sit down.
And I'm like, here, let me fix that for you.
He goes, no, I got it.
And I see like the bowl is starting to fucking look like the lean tower pizza.
Like, let me just let me hold it for you or let me do that.
Just one of the other.
Don't do balls because you can't.
I can barely do it.
Oh, my God.
I got it.
Sure.
Spill.
Yeah.
Right between the couch that are soggy and it kind of caked on there.
Totally.
That's the worst.
Adam comes, so he walks and he's like, he sees Adam.
He's like, first thing he says is, this is my dessert.
Like he's got to defend it.
And at that time, Adam's fine.
He's like, I don't care if you have it for dessert.
I just don't want you having it first thing in the morning.
You're a growing boy.
Yeah.
I'm, I just, I don't like it.
I don't like it either.
Um, hopefully Brittany is going to work on that with him.
Yeah.
I love that you stood your ground like not on my time.
Yes.
Absolutely.
Having her in the back of my mind all the time is great.
Such a great.
I highly recommend getting somebody that can get on your side and validate what you're thinking
because you start to think like am I making the right decision?
Yeah.
Maybe I am wrong.
Maybe.
But it feels you, you feel more empowered.
Yeah.
My thing is always that when John and I get into an argument, he tends to say that he didn't
say something that he just said.
Right.
It could be right after he said it and I could say, argue it and he could be like, why didn't,
I didn't say that.
Like you just said it.
Two seconds ago.
Right.
And then I get into a thing where I'm happy.
I wish I had like a record or a photographer.
Yeah.
So I could be like, clear the tape.
Do go back, go back literally 60 seconds and replay what he said.
Right.
And then it could be his voice going, I said I would clear more.
I said, I would sweep.
Why are you keep saying I won't sweep?
And then I could be like, John, you said, here's you saying I said I would sweep the floor.
Exhibit A.
Right.
But no, because there's always one of you.
How do you argue when the person goes, I never said that.
I know.
That's impossible.
That's why it's always yes and by the way, when you're doing a show, I know.
And then you say, you know, you're doing a show because you get nowhere when it's like, I disagree.
Why?
Well, because I do.
You know, it's you got to you, you can't argue with that.
Right.
I didn't say that.
Yes, you did say that.
Then you start thinking, did he say that?
Right.
Even though when you first, when it first comes out of your mouth, when you say you said that, you're 100% sure.
Right.
But the more they go, I didn't say it, then the whole argument becomes about the wrong thing.
Because now you're literally just arguing about, did they say that or didn't they say that?
And then you finally get frustrated and go, well, who cares?
It doesn't matter if you said it or not, let's move on to the thing that we're actually arguing about.
Right.
Which is that you never sweep the floor.
Right.
And then you've told me, this is a hypothetical.
Then you've told me every time we fight about this, you say, I'll sweep the floor.
Right.
I never said that.
I said, why don't we rehire the housekeeper to sweep the floor?
Right.
And then you said, why would I be having this argument?
If you said, let's rehire the housekeeper, then that would have been, we would have rehired the housekeeper.
Right.
What you said was I'm happy to take on sweeping the floor.
No, I didn't.
And then you know what you got?
You know what Adam does?
He'll give you another, this is what he does.
He'll go, I, he'll go, I never said, then you go, you do that thing where you just said where you say, uh,
well, forget it.
That's not the point.
The point is, and when you do that, he'll go, ah, the point is that you just said, why, that's why we're discussing that.
What do you mean that's not the point?
The point is that you said something that I said, but I didn't say.
So he's got to get like all caught up in the semantic shit and what a fucking pension.
Yeah, John will, John will say like, well, that's a straw man argument.
And then like, first of all, I don't even really know what a straw man argument is.
Right.
I mean, I have a vague idea and I'm not going to stop the conversation, go, I don't really fully understand the definition of a straw man argument.
Oh, wait, that's a straw man argument.
If it is what I think if straw man argument is, then that's one.
Mm-hmm.
Because he gets into a thing where he's like, he basically acts like I change the subject when I'm like,
no, no, no, no, no, that is what we know.
I'm like, I should know because I'm the one who called for this conversation.
Right.
If I say, I want to talk to you because sometimes because I think that I'm a little bit better between the two of us as the one who said,
like, like, okay, if John is upset about something, he just keeps it to himself and then he just acts powdery like he walks around the house and like, you know, just isn't as friendly.
Right.
I'm irritated about something. I just go, hey, I'm irritated about something that I tell him.
That's the better way.
I think it's, listen, it's more irritating in the moment for him.
I'm sure.
Right.
Because it seems like I'm always picking on him.
Right.
Or he, or he'll get into a thing, you and I know this very well, he's like, you're always irritable.
But I'm like, I'm not always irritable.
I'm just willing to tell you in the moment, like, something that irritates me.
Right.
And then I'm done and I'm moving on.
Right.
And then he gets upset that I'm irritated at him.
Yes.
So now he's going to be irritated the rest of the day that I'm irritated at him for five minutes.
Right.
Like, that's not productive, dude.
Right.
I know.
What's better is if I just go, hey, you know what I'm irritated about?
When you eat cereal, you take the bowl of cereal, you eat your cereal and then there's still some flakes in there, which harden into literal cement.
Yes.
And then I'm on the side of the bowl and who cleans that? Me. Well, who I should say who scrapes it?
Who has to get a special scraping tool that's made for scraping dried cereal off of it?
But then his thing is like, well, no, I don't.
Oh.
Do I need to start taking pictures of it?
Yeah, you do.
So because that's what I have to do.
But let's see, and that's, you know, okay, but let's say I let that happen for a while and I just go, whatever.
Like, I'm not going to die on that hill.
Right.
But then he'll step it up and it'll be like not just leaving the bowl like in the sink, but now it's like there's one on his desk.
There's one in the sink. There's one in our bedroom or whatever.
And then I'm finally like, okay, well, now I got to say something.
Right.
So I'm like, look, look, can you just can't?
Can you just say if you're going to eat cereal like in bed and then can you just just put it in the sink?
Right.
Put it in the sink afterwards.
Right.
You know, and then he'll be like, oh, wow.
Okay.
I do, usually I do, this one time I didn't know we're off to the races because then I have to go, well, that's not true.
Right.
Because I overlooked it because I didn't say anything about it the first 10 times I saw up.
And now I'm sort of like, why am I having a walk around after everybody and pick up their dishes?
Yeah.
I agree with that.
But then he'll just deny my reality and go, that's not the problem.
I'm a little bit on John's side at this point because Adam will just bring it up as soon as he sees it.
He'll call it.
And I think I'm going along having a nice happy, go lucky day.
Right.
When he'll all of a sudden go and he'll point something out like, maybe I forgot, I dropped the ball on and he'll go, hey, remember I asked you about the phone number for the mirror company.
Where is that phone number?
And I go, sorry, I forgot.
I just write it down, that's all you need to do. You know, and then he's like moving on and I'm like, piss now like fuck off.
So I forgot about it or whatever it is.
You know what I mean?
Just it's the element of surprise is what it is.
Right.
Because you're prepared because you are already noticing, thinking and then saying, right, when I'm the one that's like caught off guard.
You know, but while you were saying that, I was just thinking like, am I like that? And then I thought, I'm actually not.
Would it mind is more is I'm that reaction is usually also to the fact that he will yell at the kids to bus all their stuff.
And then I'm like, but he doesn't bus his stuff.
I do it.
Like, you don't mean that I'm like, if anybody is going to be yelling at the kids about busing their shit, it should be me.
Right.
And I'm like, why don't you set an example example? Why don't you set a good example? Right.
And listen, I do stuff that irritates him, but he just waits until we get to the end.
And he's like, why don't you set an example example?
Right.
And listen, I do stuff that irritates him, but he just waits until we have an argument, which we don't have arguments that often.
But when we do, when he gets, when he denies my reality and then we start having a fight, then suddenly he brings up stuff.
And I'm like, well, why don't you just tell me that?
Right.
Before you're mad.
Right. Yeah. I know.
This is just to be helpful.
But I'll tell you one thing too that he does, which drives me insane. And I pointed out and he's like, what are you talking about? You're crazy.
You know, he doesn't like to me to leave, you know, the cup on the sink without rinsing it out or just put it in the thing.
Yeah. Well, he eats cherries all day long and leaves his pits every fucking place you got.
And he just does it. I was telling Brittany that and she goes, she was quiet and she goes, he does that here, too.
Walks in with his cherries. I do Brittany over the phone, but he goes and he walks in with his cherries, sits down and then when he leaves, she has to clean them up.
Oh, no.
Yeah. And I don't go, but I don't, I didn't want to throw Brittany under the bus, but I go, you do that all.
No, I don't. What are you talking about? I just do it in the kitchen.
I don't leave them. I know there's, there's one sitting on the, on the nightstand in our bedroom. There's a couple of them.
I step on them in the bathroom. I remember you had this thing with gum and he was like, I never chew my gum and just put it in places where he found it in the car.
And he was like, Oh, I guess I do do that. Yeah. Yeah. I never chew gum. Oh, we had a whole thing at Brittany when I said he does that with gum. He takes his gum and he just puts it down or he puts it on the cup that he's, you know,
he just puts it on the counter of our bathroom sometimes like the brushes to you. There's something. And I'm like, what the fuck? And he's like, what are you talking about?
What are you? He goes, when's the same so many chew gum when I was like, what do I?
I don't fucking keep track of a diary of when you shoot chew gum. And he's like, I don't, well, okay, when you race.
Oh, when I race once every other year when I'm out racing and chewing gum, is that what you, that's your point?
I don't know, dude. I don't know. I got, I never chew gum. Brittany, I know. I go, yeah, you do. He goes, I never chew gum.
We leave the appointment, get in the car, sit down, what's right there in the middle of his center council. It's gum. Oh, what did he say? I go, what? And he goes, typical.
All right. What a, yeah, of course he doesn't like go, oh, you're right. He just goes like, uh, hmm, of course.
Oh, my God. I feel, I feel a little lighter. I mean, I'm, all right. Thanks, Kaylen.
Thanks guys, you're a parent now, don't ever let up.