Hello and welcome to Dear grief guide.
A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost, stuck,
heartbroken or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.
My name is Shelby Fercitya.
I'm a grief coach and author and I'm here to help you create a life you love from the
life lost forced you to live.
Let's get to today's letter.
Dear grief guide, I'm grappling with the recent loss of my sister a mere three weeks ago.
Her end of life journey began with a stroke in 2020 and in the years leading up to her
death she was depressed and miserable expressing all the ways that her post stroke life was
a lesser life than the one she was living before.
I saw how the stroke changed everything for her and my heart broke.
I got where she was coming from and empathized with her pain.
I did my best to take care of her emotionally, physically and even spiritually as her memory
and ability went downhill.
As she declined I had candid conversations with friends about what I can only call the
diminishing luster of life.
Although I made big strides in my career and even met and married my wife while taking
care of my sister the thrill and novelty of life overall seemed to dissipate.
It's like no matter what I accomplished or achieved and despite the blessings that came
my way nothing felt as good as it did in my life before knowing what it was like to
grieve.
Now with my sister's passing the weight of this realization has intensified.
The question echoes louder for those who have lost a loved one does life ever reclaim
it shine or does the pain of grief cast an enduring shadow dulling the brilliance of
life forever.
In the wake of my sister's death I yearn for a glimpse of normalcy now more than ever.
The desire to feel normal again reverberates through my thoughts like a mantra, a plea
to regain a sense of equilibrium amidst the years of a pevel.
I miss the simplicity and the joy of the years when my biggest challenge was choosing what
movie to watch on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
I long for the days when laughter came easily.
This felt possible and my felt less burdened by the weight of loss.
Grief-guide, can you tell me of what I'm seeking is even possible?
God, I just want to feel normal again.
With gratitude, longing for normalcy.
Hello there, longing.
I see you and I hear your pain and I also want to acknowledge too that at the time you
wrote this letter.
It has been three weeks since your sister's death.
And this was a death that came with some sort of certainty.
You knew that this was the path that your sister was on, but that does not make it any easier.
Sometimes people ask, is it better, which is a word choice in and of itself, to lose someone
suddenly or over time?
And I don't know the answer to that question.
I don't think there is one.
There is grief and heartache and pain for sure in losing someone all of a sudden, being
blindsided by the pain of loss.
And there is also magnificent pain, enormous pain in watching someone deteriorate and witnessing
their depletion and their lessening of their time on this earth over time.
Of watching them become someone you've never known them to be and then also watching them
die.
So I just want to hold all of that, make as much room for all of that as we possibly can
before I get to your question.
This question of, is it possible to return to normalcy again?
That extraordinarily short answer is no.
There is no returning to life before, after you've experienced a devastating loss.
Something that I mentioned in one of my books, your grief, your way, I call the 1% grief rule.
And essentially what it is, is that no matter where you go, what you do, what you accomplish,
who you become in life after loss, even if it feels 99% joyful and happy and amazing and
overwhelming and exuberant, there is always at least 1% of that moment in your life that
is grief.
You will remember or notice your sister's absence.
You will be thinking of some memory related to her.
You will be recognizing how you've changed as a person in some way that you may have not
noticed before.
There's always going to be some fraction, some percentage of your life that remembers your
loss, that remembers that it is grieving and it will never be done grieving.
This is not always a bad thing.
It simply is, it is a fact of living life after loss, is that grief never goes away.
But something that might be hopeful to you is that it changes in size.
So for instance, you may experience a milestone where it is that 99% joy and exuberance and
elation and accomplishment and oh my gosh, I am on top of the world with 1% grief.
You may have other days where it is a 50/50 split.
I am seeing how happy I am also seeing how I am sad and changed and different and grieving
and feeling broken and depleted and different, simply different than my life before.
Because here is the thing, you can never be the person that you were, you can never have
the normal see you had because that person, that version of you, that iteration of your
life did not know this level of loss or heartbreak or hardship.
It did not know what it was like if it did.
It would have operated differently.
Normal would have meant something different to that person, to that iteration of your life.
This is something we talk about so often in life after loss academy, the entire second
module of the course.
There's over 8 lessons in here and each of them have homework and exercises and things
that I walk my students through.
Is about releasing, releasing this old normal, this old person that you used to be, that used
to be concerned with what was the movie we're going to watch on a lazy Sunday afternoon,
not how to take care of someone who is dying, how to release the life you thought you were
going to live, how to release the dream of a return to normal.
That is heartbreaking stuff.
This is not just the disappointment of they were out of the ingredient I needed at the grocery
store.
This is the disappointment of I am grieving the entire extent of a life that I very much
wanted to live.
The author, Brunei Brown writes in her book Atlas of the Heart, the weight of our disappointment
is equal to the weight of our expectation and to expect something big lifelong means that
we will grieve or be disappointed at the weight of big and lifelong.
And let me tell you right now, it is not petty or childish or immature to grieve the life
that you thought you were going to live.
It is one of the most significant and healing things that you can do for yourself is to
say that this is the life that I thought I would live.
And this is the life that I'm actually living and really measuring and taking stock and
taking inventory of the distance between those two things, the difference between those
two things and saying, I am releasing that dream now.
I am finding ways to live in this reality that I never wanted to be true.
There is immense healing in that in grief.
Something that I do want to offer you though, and we also talk about this in life after
loss academy when we talk about how do you live the entire rest of your life with grief
because that 1% rule of grief never really goes away.
It will always be present in some shape or form as we talk about the return of things like
hope, joy and delight and wonder.
Because something that grief changes, because grief inherently changes and impacts everything,
there is no way to shut out its tentacles from different areas of your life.
There is no way to quarantine.
What is precious?
So it's not touched by grief, everything gets impacted by grief, including hope, joy,
delight, wonder, normalcy.
Something that we talk about is what it looks like when those things do return.
Because I know you're probably like me.
You have seen people come back to life after loss.
You've seen them smile again, you've seen them laugh, you've seen them develop routines
and rituals and rhythms in their life and you know that they are fulfilled on some level,
you know that, I know that.
And if you ask them, if you sat down and asked them, just hope look the same for you right
now as it did before your loss.
I can guarantee that the answer is no.
So what I call this, what I refer to this as when we talk about it in life after loss academy
is hope wearing different clothes.
Hope comes back, joy comes back, delight comes back, wonder comes back.
But oh man, is it unrecognizable at first?
It comes teetering up the driveway.
In a wardrobe, you have never seen it in before, possibly aged, possibly roughed up a bit,
possibly got some holes in the jeans, some patches on the elbows, maybe hope looks like
it just got into a fight.
Or wonder, looks like it got tossed around a little in a storm.
Or normalcy glitches just a little bit as it walks up the driveway on its way to meet
you again.
It is not the same as when it left, when loss forced it to leave.
And it cannot be the same when it returns to you, but something that you can offer, these
things, hope, joy, delight, wonder, normalcy when they return to you is your open arms.
With an intention or an invitation of saying, I am willing to get to know you as you are
now.
Normalcy, hope, happiness, joy, wonder.
You look a little different, you've grown up a bit, you look like you've been through
some stuff.
But I am willing to get to know how you feel now, how you look like now, how you show up now
as it pertains to my life.
So instead of rejecting your new normal or your new version of hope or your new version
of wonder, because it doesn't look the same as it used to, because it's not who you once
knew, instead I wonder if you could develop a practice of opening your arms to what normal
looks like now.
What routine or ritual or rhythm looks like to you now.
Because just like us, normalcy doesn't want to be compared to what it used to be before,
just like us, it can't go back there.
It can't magically deliver the old version of itself to your doorstep.
It's not hiding anywhere for you to find.
This version of normalcy that is presenting itself to you now, battered, bruised, patches
on the elbows, this is your normal.
It is normalcy with loss in tow, it is normalcy that lives the 1% grief rule.
And your mission, should you choose to accept it, is learning all the ways that you can make
that okay with you, and you can make that okay in your spirit.
I know you have it in you.
That's all for this episode of Dear Grave Guide.
Thank you so much for joining me today.
If you're ready to start moving forward after a loss, consider joining my online course
in community, Life After Loss Academy.
There you'll find video lessons you can work through at your own pace, weekly live calls
where I take your questions, and a welcoming community to talk about grief with others who
understand.
You can find the link to learn more and join today in the show notes.
If this podcast helped you feel a little less alone in your grief, please subscribe and
leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen.
And be sure to share Dear Grave Guide with a friend, because you never know what someone
you love is going through.
You can submit your anonymous letter for the show and find additional grief support at
shelbyfursithia.com.
Music for Dear Grave Guide is performed by Addy Goldstein, editing by Ruth Spence of
Sinivia.
Until next time, I see you.
I'm so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world.
And I love you.
As even through grief we are growing.
Music for Dear Grave Guide is performed by Addy Goldstein, editing by Ruth Spence of Sinivia.