as grievers, we cannot hate ourselves into better versions of ourselves. Criticism has
not worked in the past. It's not working for you right now. It will not work in the future,
and yet so many grieving people spend their days, hours and hours, mentally tearing themselves
apart at the seams for not handling their loss better.
[Music]
Hi there grief growers, I am so grateful to be here with you on the show today as always.
If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back, and if you are new to me and my work,
hello. My name is Shelby Fersithia, I make grief coach a three-time author and the founder of life after loss academy.
I have had the distinct honor of helping thousands of grieving people stop feeling lost,
stuck, broken and alone, and start building lives that they genuinely love from the lives lost,
forced them to live. This includes not only death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup,
major diagnosis, and every other loss that changes your life. Here on grief grower, we believe that grief
is not something to get over, it is something that we grow with and alongside, and that by treating
grief less like a problem to be solved, and more like an invitation to live more deeply, we create
meaningful lives that are rich with the memories we carry, the struggles that we have faced,
and the precious awareness of what it is to be right here and right now.
Today on the show I'm covering something that a lot of grieving people don't know necessarily
to ask outright, but that a lot of grieving people internally struggle with, and that is how to be
more compassionate to yourself in grief with one single phrase. This is a tool that I developed
inside life after loss academy many, many years ago, and it is something that rewrites the inner story
of your life with grief or your life after loss in ways that even at the time I created it, I did not
see possible, but it is rooted in this reality that after a loss it can be such a struggle to speak
to yourself kindly. So many grievers that I hear from so many that I work with say things like I am
judging myself for not being able to do the things that I used to do, or for being more tearful or
more forgetful as Megan Devine would call it, I left my keys in the freezer syndrome, or for not
performing as well as they want to at work or school, but something that I believe and that I had to
learn the hard way after my mom died in 2013 is this, it is if criticizing yourself fixed everything,
every single one of us would be 110 percent healed. I'm going to say that one more time. If criticizing
ourselves fixed everything, we would all be 110 percent healed. If self-criticism actually worked
in the way that our brains kind of trick us into thinking it's working, if beating ourselves up
over how off we've been since our losses actually made us more capable or more functional or more
like our old selves, wouldn't we all be done grieving by now? Wouldn't our harsh inner critics
have fixed us already? What I have learned in 13 years of grieving and almost 10 years of working
with grieving people facing all kinds of losses, as I said at the top of the show, death,
divorce diagnosis, the 3Ds and more, I have realized that as grievers we cannot hate ourselves
into better versions of ourselves. Criticism has not worked in the past, it's not working for you
right now, it will not work in the future and yet so many grieving people spend their days, hours
and hours, mentally tearing themselves apart at the seams for not handling their loss better.
So today on the show, I'm going to share the difference between critical self-talk and
compassionate self-talk after a loss. Do you even know the way that you are talking to yourself after
grief? I will share the one simple phrase that I invented that you can use today right now in
this moment as you're listening to instantly soften how you talk to yourself in your head.
The psychology and the research because there is psychology and research behind why this linguistic
shift works especially for grieving people and how this specific tool fits into a much bigger
practice of weaving or integrating loss into your life. Before we get into it, I do have to say if
you have been hard on yourself since your loss, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not doing
grief wrong, you are doing something incredibly difficult while also being a human being operating
on planet earth, which for a lot of us, I think for all of us with brains, like our brains often
default to judgment instead of tenderness when we don't have better tools. When there is pain in our
brain, it often reaches for judgment, fix it, get rid of it right now because we don't have a better
skill or a tool to reach for. So in this episode, I want to give you one. I want to start by covering
the problem or the issue with critical self-talk after a loss. And you can probably yes with some
of these are already. Grief demands a hell of a lot of you. It demands that you keep functioning
while your internal and your external worlds have been rearranged. It demands that you show up as a
functioning person at work at school, you answer texts and emails, you feed yourself, perhaps others,
and you exist in a body that is living with grief all while constantly carrying something heavy and
invisible. And on top of all of that, all those demands, many grieving people unconsciously or
consciously at a second layer of self-faring, which is self-criticism. So you might forget to buy
something at the store and think, oh my god, what is wrong with me? Or you snap or become snyd
with somebody that you love and think, oh my god, I'm becoming a terrible person. Or you cry in
your car before a meeting and think, I'd really need to get my shit together. None of these thoughts
account for the fact that you are grieving. They treat your grief affected brain and body and behavior
as though you should be operating at full pre-loss capacity. And then they punish you when you are not.
This is where a lot of the clients and students that I work with get stuck is this sort of place
right here. Not because grief itself is the whole problem, but because critical self-talk gets layered
on top of grief and that combination of grief plus negative self-talk starts to feel like endless
suffering, like unbearable endless suffering. So I want to point out the difference between critical
self-talk and compassionate self-talk. What's the difference if you've never heard this before?
And I want to get into this because I'm such a word nerd if you've been listening to this show
long enough, you know I love words, I love nerding out about them. And when you're grieving, language
matters. Let's start with critical. Critical as an adjective means to pass judgment or to point out
defects or faults in. So this is what critical self-talk can sound like after a loss. It might sound
like look how grief has broken you. You're acting crazy. You can't do anything right. You deserve to be
alone. Hold that for all that is for a moment. Compassionate on the other side as an adjective
means something entirely different. It is to companion and suffering or to offer tenderness with
calm and Latin literally means together or with and passion means suffer. So to suffer alongside
is to be compassionate to be in the hard stuff with. So this is what compassion itself talk sounds
like after a loss. It's okay that grief has changed you. Your feelings are normal. It's okay not to
have all the answers. We'll figure this out together. Notice the shift in these two types of self-talk
after a loss. Critical self-talk positions you the grieving person as broken or wrong or failing
or defective. Compassionate self-talk positions you the griever as a person going through something
incredibly hard and also deserving of the same tenderness or kindness that you might offer a friend
or a loved one. So it is worth asking yourself when I make a mistake in grief or forget something or
I'm struggling to function which voice do I default to am I critical or am I compassionate.
And if you don't know if you're struggling to answer this question one of my favorite tidbits
were tips for you is to try speaking your inner thoughts allowed. For many grieving people the voice
of criticism can come out harsher or meaner or frustrated while the voice of compassion is usually
very calming and empathetic. For example the phrase you're not who you used to be sounds so much
different with a cruel tone a critical tone than it does with an understanding one the first is
judgmental the second is kind so to say you're not who you used to be critical you're not who you
used to be compassionate see if even speaking your inner thoughts allowed and the tone with which
you speak them can help you recognize are you being more critical towards yourself or are you being
more compassionate are you being more judgmental are you being more kind see which one your thoughts
most often fall into. The tool that I want to teach you today it's something that I teach inside
my free workshop grow through grief which you can find in the show notes for this episode and it is
literally like no joke my students favorite tool for creating instant self-compassion in grief
and it is this all you have to do is add the phrase while grieving to whatever you're doing
or thinking throughout your day while grieving it looks like this you could say I'm brushing my teeth
while grieving I'm getting groceries while grieving I'm listening to this podcast while grieving I'm
answering emails while grieving I am making dinner while grieving I am sitting through a work meeting
while grieving I'm trying to fall asleep while grieving I'm laughing at something funny while grieving
I am forgetting where I put my keys keys in the freezer syndrome while grieving I am showing up to a
birthday party while grieving I am scrolling my phone while grieving I am having a hard time
making a decision while grieving I am living my life while grieving the teeny tiny edition of these
two words does two important things the first thing it does is releases the frustration and the
inner wrestling that comes from expecting yourself to function like your before loss pre-loss self
of course you forgot something on the bus of course that meeting at work felt harder than usual
of course watching that TV show made you cry you are doing all of that while grieving which is an
enormous invisible weight to carry on top of an ordinary task once I had a client who was struggling
to go to the grocery store after her dad died she was his caregiver and she was really upset as to
why it felt like such a hard task when in her life before going to the grocery store it was like a
mundane thing that she did every week and I joked with her in the style of the Lord of the Rings
meme so if you know this you know this one does not simply go to the grocery store while grieving
and during our session I said not only are there carts and crowds at the grocery store there is his
favorite snack an aisle four a song he loved playing over the speaker system a stranger who
reminds you of him if you've went from far away there are fluorescent lights that feel way too bright
for grief brain there is the beeping of the checkout station not to mention when you get to the register
there's the financial stress of not knowing if you'll have the money to pay for this
and then the practical logistical stress of driving there and back amongst other drivers making
whatever decisions they're going to make that day and on top of that there is carrying in and
unloading the groceries and deciding where they go in your kitchen of course grocery shopping is
hard you are grocery shopping while grieving and just noticing like you are not just grocery shopping
you are not doing what you used to do in life before loss you are doing everything that you used to
do before loss now with the added weight of grief you are grocery shopping while grieving look at the
amount of compassion that that opens up this is where we get to the second wonderful benefit of this
phrase because it is just as important these two words open the door to noticing all of the incredible
ways that you are still functioning not in spite of your grief but inclusive of it not in some
future version of yourself that has grief like handled or has your shit together this phrase
while grieving celebrates who you are and what you are capable of right now while grieving you got
out of bed while grieving you went to work while grieving you showed up for your kids recital or your
friends birthday party while grieving these are not small things what is happening is endurance
and resilience in real time so something i want you to ask yourself as you listen today is what did
I do today in this moment while grieving that deserves a little bit more credit than I have been giving
it reflect on that get back to me some mean email comment on social media I would love to hear
what you are doing while grieving now I want to get into why this works the psychology behind why
while grieving is a really helpful phrase these two words might feel too simple to be effective
but it is actually rooted in real and evidence-based psychology and data there's a thing in
therapy or a type of therapy called narrative therapy which is a blame-free practice that helps
clients rewrite their inner stories and one of the foundational moves or tools is separating the
person from the problem so instead of your story being I am broken the rewrite of that the rewrite
of the narration and narrative therapy becomes grief is affecting me a lot right now I am not broken
I am a person operating inside of a broken experience that really small shift in language
matters because when you get stuck inside of a problem you create a story about yourself thinking
that you maybe are the source of your suffering and it reinforces this painful identity of I am the
source of my suffering there's no way out I am stuck I am stuck and it makes it harder to access
a more compassionate or accurate view of what is actually going on in your life so adding while
grieving is a form of narrative therapy it externalizes the grief it makes it so that you are not the
problem and it keeps grief from collapsing into your identity it interrupts a story that says I am
the reason why my life is awful and turns it into a kinder and frankly more true or one I am a
person doing my best to live inside of a really awful experience there is also a body of research on
what psychologists call self-distancing which is popularized by the researcher Ethan Kraus and all
his colleagues their work suggests that even tiny tiny shifts in language how we speak about
things how we think about things with words can create psychological distance from things that we
find distressing which helps us process the experiences that we're going through with more objectivity
and less overwhelm and my favorite part is the less overwhelm some of his research has even found
that the amount of linguistic verbal words distance that we use when talking about our struggles is
connected to our symptoms of distress and how well we respond to healing treatments over time
in other words put very simply how you talk about what you're going through isn't just a reflection
of how you feel it can actually shape how you feel like you can change your feelings based on how
you talk about them so while grieving is a tiny two word act of linguistic distancing and narrative
reframing wrapped into a phrase that is simple enough to use literally while you are doing the dishes
while grieving I love this phrase so much I can't even tell you
what I will also tell you though is that while grieving is just one teeny teeny teeny tiny tool
inside of a bigger practice of rebuilding life after loss while grieving is a wonderful starting point
if you are anywhere in your life after loss but it is not an all purpose like Swiss Army knife
tool for your entire grief experience it is a smaller lesson inside a bigger practice of weaving
and folding loss into your life which happens in the third module integrate of my five step grief
method griif ground release integrate establish and foster which all takes place inside of life after
loss academy this third module the integrate module is all about learning how to fold your losses
and your loved ones into the larger story of your life so instead of treating grief as something that
is separate from you that you're supposed to eventually get over and leave behind which we don't
believe in on this show it is something that helps you compassionately fold in grief with your life
so that you are able to live alongside it as you move forward as you rebuild again and integrating
compassionately feels dramatically different than integrating or trying to integrate while also
criticizing yourself because when you try to integrate your grief with your life with criticism it
feels like you're failing like why are you so broken why are you doing this i need to get my shit
together like these are ways that you talk to yourself when you're critical it feels like you are
constantly falling short of who you used to be in the past and also who you want to become in the
future but when you integrate grief with a compassionate inner voice aka saying while grieving and
other helpful phrases it feels like it is possible to grow like you are becoming someone new who
still cares for what and who you've lost in the past and that care includes you as well so the
compassion extends backwards in time into your life before loss but also comes with you into the future
and this is where i get chills talking about it because these are the super teeny tiny tools that
dramatically change your perspective on what it looks like to live a life with grief so the phrase
while grieving is just one doorway into weaving your losses into the larger fabric or the picture of
your life story inside this integrate module we go so much deeper into personalized and creative
and kind of fun dare i say it fun ways to work with instead of fighting against grief and this helps
you build a life that is rooted in compassion for everything that you have been through rather than a
life filled with criticism for all the ways that you feel like you're falling short and it makes
such a huge difference when you are carrying the already heavy weight of grief
what i want to leave you with today is that you are allowed to be kind to yourself in the aftermath
of loss i think a lot of people think that the trick to getting through grief or getting over grief is
is disciplining themselves into wellness or being healed again and like i said at the beginning of
this show if criticizing ourselves fixed everything we would all be 110 percent healed because this is
how we talk to ourselves most of the time but what i want to reassure you of is that you are not
failing at grief or doing grief wrong because you forgot something or snapped at someone or needed
to cancel plans you are carrying something living through something huge and doing your best to
keep on living while also grieving and this deserves your compassion not your criticism so the next
time that you notice a harsh inner voice creeping in i hope you will try this instead name what you
are doing and add while grieving and notice what shifts in you emotionally, mentally, physically
even spiritually see how rewriting your inner story impacts how you feel about living inside of it
because you have to live inside of it there's no there's no escaping your story i'm so so sad to say
like there is no escaping the things that have happened to you in your life but you can be more
compassionate to yourself as you live that life by using the phrase while grieving if you love to
this phrase if you want two more of my students favorite tools for building a life alongside grief
into creating grief into your life i would love love love it if you would watch my free workshop
called grow through grief it is a short practical preview of everything that we do inside of life
after loss academy and it is available whenever you are ready to watch it it is just an hour long and
you can find it in the link in my bio i hope this brings you some comfort uh an opportunity to play
with words and a doorway into releasing the voice of criticism that maybe lives inside your head
while grieving
that's all for this episode of grief grower thank you so much for joining me today if you're
looking for grief support beyond this show you can find my free workshop blog articles and my new book
of course i'm here right now at shall be for citya.com/links and if you'd like to get support from me for
your unique loss experience you can join me at any time inside life after loss academy my online course
and community as a student i will walk you through my five step grief framework g-r-i-e-f for
rebuilding after loss and you can get live coaching from me every single week to answer your questions
replays are always available if you can't attend life it's just $33 a month to join or $22 a month
if you're a marginalized or financially stressed griever and you pick the price that works best for you
if this podcast felt validating comforting educational or otherwise helpful to you
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grower with a friend because you never know what someone you love is going through grief growers
hosted by me shall be for citya with the music by adi goldstein until next time grief growers
i see you i am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world while grieving and i
love you because even through grief we are growing