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as grievers, we cannot hate ourselves into better versions of ourselves. Criticism has

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not worked in the past. It's not working for you right now. It will not work in the future,

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and yet so many grieving people spend their days, hours and hours, mentally tearing themselves

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apart at the seams for not handling their loss better.

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[Music]

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Hi there grief growers, I am so grateful to be here with you on the show today as always.

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If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back, and if you are new to me and my work,

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hello. My name is Shelby Fersithia, I make grief coach a three-time author and the founder of life after loss academy.

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I have had the distinct honor of helping thousands of grieving people stop feeling lost,

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stuck, broken and alone, and start building lives that they genuinely love from the lives lost,

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forced them to live. This includes not only death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup,

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major diagnosis, and every other loss that changes your life. Here on grief grower, we believe that grief

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is not something to get over, it is something that we grow with and alongside, and that by treating

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grief less like a problem to be solved, and more like an invitation to live more deeply, we create

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meaningful lives that are rich with the memories we carry, the struggles that we have faced,

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and the precious awareness of what it is to be right here and right now.

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Today on the show I'm covering something that a lot of grieving people don't know necessarily

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to ask outright, but that a lot of grieving people internally struggle with, and that is how to be

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more compassionate to yourself in grief with one single phrase. This is a tool that I developed

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inside life after loss academy many, many years ago, and it is something that rewrites the inner story

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of your life with grief or your life after loss in ways that even at the time I created it, I did not

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see possible, but it is rooted in this reality that after a loss it can be such a struggle to speak

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to yourself kindly. So many grievers that I hear from so many that I work with say things like I am

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judging myself for not being able to do the things that I used to do, or for being more tearful or

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more forgetful as Megan Devine would call it, I left my keys in the freezer syndrome, or for not

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performing as well as they want to at work or school, but something that I believe and that I had to

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learn the hard way after my mom died in 2013 is this, it is if criticizing yourself fixed everything,

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every single one of us would be 110 percent healed. I'm going to say that one more time. If criticizing

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ourselves fixed everything, we would all be 110 percent healed. If self-criticism actually worked

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in the way that our brains kind of trick us into thinking it's working, if beating ourselves up

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over how off we've been since our losses actually made us more capable or more functional or more

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like our old selves, wouldn't we all be done grieving by now? Wouldn't our harsh inner critics

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have fixed us already? What I have learned in 13 years of grieving and almost 10 years of working

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with grieving people facing all kinds of losses, as I said at the top of the show, death,

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divorce diagnosis, the 3Ds and more, I have realized that as grievers we cannot hate ourselves

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into better versions of ourselves. Criticism has not worked in the past, it's not working for you

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right now, it will not work in the future and yet so many grieving people spend their days, hours

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and hours, mentally tearing themselves apart at the seams for not handling their loss better.

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So today on the show, I'm going to share the difference between critical self-talk and

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compassionate self-talk after a loss. Do you even know the way that you are talking to yourself after

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grief? I will share the one simple phrase that I invented that you can use today right now in

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this moment as you're listening to instantly soften how you talk to yourself in your head.

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The psychology and the research because there is psychology and research behind why this linguistic

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shift works especially for grieving people and how this specific tool fits into a much bigger

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practice of weaving or integrating loss into your life. Before we get into it, I do have to say if

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you have been hard on yourself since your loss, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not doing

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grief wrong, you are doing something incredibly difficult while also being a human being operating

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on planet earth, which for a lot of us, I think for all of us with brains, like our brains often

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default to judgment instead of tenderness when we don't have better tools. When there is pain in our

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brain, it often reaches for judgment, fix it, get rid of it right now because we don't have a better

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skill or a tool to reach for. So in this episode, I want to give you one. I want to start by covering

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the problem or the issue with critical self-talk after a loss. And you can probably yes with some

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of these are already. Grief demands a hell of a lot of you. It demands that you keep functioning

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while your internal and your external worlds have been rearranged. It demands that you show up as a

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functioning person at work at school, you answer texts and emails, you feed yourself, perhaps others,

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and you exist in a body that is living with grief all while constantly carrying something heavy and

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invisible. And on top of all of that, all those demands, many grieving people unconsciously or

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consciously at a second layer of self-faring, which is self-criticism. So you might forget to buy

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something at the store and think, oh my god, what is wrong with me? Or you snap or become snyd

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with somebody that you love and think, oh my god, I'm becoming a terrible person. Or you cry in

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your car before a meeting and think, I'd really need to get my shit together. None of these thoughts

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account for the fact that you are grieving. They treat your grief affected brain and body and behavior

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as though you should be operating at full pre-loss capacity. And then they punish you when you are not.

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This is where a lot of the clients and students that I work with get stuck is this sort of place

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right here. Not because grief itself is the whole problem, but because critical self-talk gets layered

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on top of grief and that combination of grief plus negative self-talk starts to feel like endless

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suffering, like unbearable endless suffering. So I want to point out the difference between critical

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self-talk and compassionate self-talk. What's the difference if you've never heard this before?

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And I want to get into this because I'm such a word nerd if you've been listening to this show

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long enough, you know I love words, I love nerding out about them. And when you're grieving, language

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matters. Let's start with critical. Critical as an adjective means to pass judgment or to point out

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defects or faults in. So this is what critical self-talk can sound like after a loss. It might sound

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like look how grief has broken you. You're acting crazy. You can't do anything right. You deserve to be

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alone. Hold that for all that is for a moment. Compassionate on the other side as an adjective

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means something entirely different. It is to companion and suffering or to offer tenderness with

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calm and Latin literally means together or with and passion means suffer. So to suffer alongside

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is to be compassionate to be in the hard stuff with. So this is what compassion itself talk sounds

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like after a loss. It's okay that grief has changed you. Your feelings are normal. It's okay not to

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have all the answers. We'll figure this out together. Notice the shift in these two types of self-talk

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after a loss. Critical self-talk positions you the grieving person as broken or wrong or failing

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or defective. Compassionate self-talk positions you the griever as a person going through something

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incredibly hard and also deserving of the same tenderness or kindness that you might offer a friend

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or a loved one. So it is worth asking yourself when I make a mistake in grief or forget something or

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I'm struggling to function which voice do I default to am I critical or am I compassionate.

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And if you don't know if you're struggling to answer this question one of my favorite tidbits

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were tips for you is to try speaking your inner thoughts allowed. For many grieving people the voice

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of criticism can come out harsher or meaner or frustrated while the voice of compassion is usually

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very calming and empathetic. For example the phrase you're not who you used to be sounds so much

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different with a cruel tone a critical tone than it does with an understanding one the first is

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judgmental the second is kind so to say you're not who you used to be critical you're not who you

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used to be compassionate see if even speaking your inner thoughts allowed and the tone with which

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you speak them can help you recognize are you being more critical towards yourself or are you being

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more compassionate are you being more judgmental are you being more kind see which one your thoughts

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most often fall into. The tool that I want to teach you today it's something that I teach inside

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my free workshop grow through grief which you can find in the show notes for this episode and it is

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literally like no joke my students favorite tool for creating instant self-compassion in grief

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and it is this all you have to do is add the phrase while grieving to whatever you're doing

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or thinking throughout your day while grieving it looks like this you could say I'm brushing my teeth

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while grieving I'm getting groceries while grieving I'm listening to this podcast while grieving I'm

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answering emails while grieving I am making dinner while grieving I am sitting through a work meeting

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while grieving I'm trying to fall asleep while grieving I'm laughing at something funny while grieving

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I am forgetting where I put my keys keys in the freezer syndrome while grieving I am showing up to a

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birthday party while grieving I am scrolling my phone while grieving I am having a hard time

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making a decision while grieving I am living my life while grieving the teeny tiny edition of these

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two words does two important things the first thing it does is releases the frustration and the

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inner wrestling that comes from expecting yourself to function like your before loss pre-loss self

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of course you forgot something on the bus of course that meeting at work felt harder than usual

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of course watching that TV show made you cry you are doing all of that while grieving which is an

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enormous invisible weight to carry on top of an ordinary task once I had a client who was struggling

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to go to the grocery store after her dad died she was his caregiver and she was really upset as to

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why it felt like such a hard task when in her life before going to the grocery store it was like a

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mundane thing that she did every week and I joked with her in the style of the Lord of the Rings

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meme so if you know this you know this one does not simply go to the grocery store while grieving

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and during our session I said not only are there carts and crowds at the grocery store there is his

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favorite snack an aisle four a song he loved playing over the speaker system a stranger who

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reminds you of him if you've went from far away there are fluorescent lights that feel way too bright

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for grief brain there is the beeping of the checkout station not to mention when you get to the register

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there's the financial stress of not knowing if you'll have the money to pay for this

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and then the practical logistical stress of driving there and back amongst other drivers making

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whatever decisions they're going to make that day and on top of that there is carrying in and

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unloading the groceries and deciding where they go in your kitchen of course grocery shopping is

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hard you are grocery shopping while grieving and just noticing like you are not just grocery shopping

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you are not doing what you used to do in life before loss you are doing everything that you used to

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do before loss now with the added weight of grief you are grocery shopping while grieving look at the

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amount of compassion that that opens up this is where we get to the second wonderful benefit of this

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phrase because it is just as important these two words open the door to noticing all of the incredible

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ways that you are still functioning not in spite of your grief but inclusive of it not in some

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future version of yourself that has grief like handled or has your shit together this phrase

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while grieving celebrates who you are and what you are capable of right now while grieving you got

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out of bed while grieving you went to work while grieving you showed up for your kids recital or your

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friends birthday party while grieving these are not small things what is happening is endurance

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and resilience in real time so something i want you to ask yourself as you listen today is what did

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I do today in this moment while grieving that deserves a little bit more credit than I have been giving

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it reflect on that get back to me some mean email comment on social media I would love to hear

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what you are doing while grieving now I want to get into why this works the psychology behind why

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while grieving is a really helpful phrase these two words might feel too simple to be effective

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but it is actually rooted in real and evidence-based psychology and data there's a thing in

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therapy or a type of therapy called narrative therapy which is a blame-free practice that helps

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clients rewrite their inner stories and one of the foundational moves or tools is separating the

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person from the problem so instead of your story being I am broken the rewrite of that the rewrite

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of the narration and narrative therapy becomes grief is affecting me a lot right now I am not broken

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I am a person operating inside of a broken experience that really small shift in language

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matters because when you get stuck inside of a problem you create a story about yourself thinking

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that you maybe are the source of your suffering and it reinforces this painful identity of I am the

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source of my suffering there's no way out I am stuck I am stuck and it makes it harder to access

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a more compassionate or accurate view of what is actually going on in your life so adding while

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grieving is a form of narrative therapy it externalizes the grief it makes it so that you are not the

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problem and it keeps grief from collapsing into your identity it interrupts a story that says I am

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the reason why my life is awful and turns it into a kinder and frankly more true or one I am a

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person doing my best to live inside of a really awful experience there is also a body of research on

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what psychologists call self-distancing which is popularized by the researcher Ethan Kraus and all

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his colleagues their work suggests that even tiny tiny shifts in language how we speak about

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things how we think about things with words can create psychological distance from things that we

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find distressing which helps us process the experiences that we're going through with more objectivity

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and less overwhelm and my favorite part is the less overwhelm some of his research has even found

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that the amount of linguistic verbal words distance that we use when talking about our struggles is

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connected to our symptoms of distress and how well we respond to healing treatments over time

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in other words put very simply how you talk about what you're going through isn't just a reflection

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of how you feel it can actually shape how you feel like you can change your feelings based on how

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you talk about them so while grieving is a tiny two word act of linguistic distancing and narrative

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reframing wrapped into a phrase that is simple enough to use literally while you are doing the dishes

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while grieving I love this phrase so much I can't even tell you

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what I will also tell you though is that while grieving is just one teeny teeny teeny tiny tool

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inside of a bigger practice of rebuilding life after loss while grieving is a wonderful starting point

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if you are anywhere in your life after loss but it is not an all purpose like Swiss Army knife

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tool for your entire grief experience it is a smaller lesson inside a bigger practice of weaving

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and folding loss into your life which happens in the third module integrate of my five step grief

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method griif ground release integrate establish and foster which all takes place inside of life after

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loss academy this third module the integrate module is all about learning how to fold your losses

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and your loved ones into the larger story of your life so instead of treating grief as something that

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is separate from you that you're supposed to eventually get over and leave behind which we don't

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believe in on this show it is something that helps you compassionately fold in grief with your life

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so that you are able to live alongside it as you move forward as you rebuild again and integrating

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compassionately feels dramatically different than integrating or trying to integrate while also

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criticizing yourself because when you try to integrate your grief with your life with criticism it

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feels like you're failing like why are you so broken why are you doing this i need to get my shit

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together like these are ways that you talk to yourself when you're critical it feels like you are

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constantly falling short of who you used to be in the past and also who you want to become in the

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future but when you integrate grief with a compassionate inner voice aka saying while grieving and

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other helpful phrases it feels like it is possible to grow like you are becoming someone new who

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still cares for what and who you've lost in the past and that care includes you as well so the

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compassion extends backwards in time into your life before loss but also comes with you into the future

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and this is where i get chills talking about it because these are the super teeny tiny tools that

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dramatically change your perspective on what it looks like to live a life with grief so the phrase

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while grieving is just one doorway into weaving your losses into the larger fabric or the picture of

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your life story inside this integrate module we go so much deeper into personalized and creative

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and kind of fun dare i say it fun ways to work with instead of fighting against grief and this helps

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you build a life that is rooted in compassion for everything that you have been through rather than a

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life filled with criticism for all the ways that you feel like you're falling short and it makes

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such a huge difference when you are carrying the already heavy weight of grief

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what i want to leave you with today is that you are allowed to be kind to yourself in the aftermath

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of loss i think a lot of people think that the trick to getting through grief or getting over grief is

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is disciplining themselves into wellness or being healed again and like i said at the beginning of

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this show if criticizing ourselves fixed everything we would all be 110 percent healed because this is

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how we talk to ourselves most of the time but what i want to reassure you of is that you are not

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failing at grief or doing grief wrong because you forgot something or snapped at someone or needed

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to cancel plans you are carrying something living through something huge and doing your best to

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keep on living while also grieving and this deserves your compassion not your criticism so the next

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time that you notice a harsh inner voice creeping in i hope you will try this instead name what you

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are doing and add while grieving and notice what shifts in you emotionally, mentally, physically

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even spiritually see how rewriting your inner story impacts how you feel about living inside of it

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because you have to live inside of it there's no there's no escaping your story i'm so so sad to say

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like there is no escaping the things that have happened to you in your life but you can be more

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compassionate to yourself as you live that life by using the phrase while grieving if you love to

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this phrase if you want two more of my students favorite tools for building a life alongside grief

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into creating grief into your life i would love love love it if you would watch my free workshop

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called grow through grief it is a short practical preview of everything that we do inside of life

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after loss academy and it is available whenever you are ready to watch it it is just an hour long and

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you can find it in the link in my bio i hope this brings you some comfort uh an opportunity to play

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with words and a doorway into releasing the voice of criticism that maybe lives inside your head

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while grieving

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that's all for this episode of grief grower thank you so much for joining me today if you're

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looking for grief support beyond this show you can find my free workshop blog articles and my new book

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of course i'm here right now at shall be for citya.com/links and if you'd like to get support from me for

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your unique loss experience you can join me at any time inside life after loss academy my online course

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and community as a student i will walk you through my five step grief framework g-r-i-e-f for

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rebuilding after loss and you can get live coaching from me every single week to answer your questions

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replays are always available if you can't attend life it's just $33 a month to join or $22 a month

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if you're a marginalized or financially stressed griever and you pick the price that works best for you

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if this podcast felt validating comforting educational or otherwise helpful to you

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please subscribe and leave a review on apple podcasts or Spotify and be sure to share grief

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grower with a friend because you never know what someone you love is going through grief growers

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hosted by me shall be for citya with the music by adi goldstein until next time grief growers

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i see you i am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world while grieving and i

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love you because even through grief we are growing