Hello and welcome to Dear grief guide.
A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost, stuck,
heartbroken or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.
My name is Shelby Fercitya.
I'm a grief coach and author and I'm here to help you create a life you love from the
life lost forced you to live.
Let's get to today's letter.
Dear grief guide.
I lost my mom a few years ago, my dad eight months ago and my beloved pair of key two months ago.
I was reading a grief memoir where the author writes about how her friends came over and
quote unquote "cocooned her" and made her dinner after her husband died.
I couldn't stop crying my eyes out because my friend group isn't like that.
My best friend only talks to me to complain about her job.
Another friend goes on about her wedding next year, where I'm one of her bridesmaids.
We never talk about my losses, my loved ones or my grief.
It feels like my grief is some kind of awful elephant in the room that no one knows what
to do with so they all sidestep around it and pretend everything is okay.
I'm envious of other people who have supportive friends and the feeling I'm being ripped off
by the universe is eating me alive.
I get that everyone has their own lives but the loneliness I feel is brutal.
I long for the kind of support other grieving people seem to have, a network of friends who
understand and show up without being asked.
What am I supposed to do here?
Making new friends is so hard, especially when you're grieving, but I'm sick and tired
of feeling unsupported.
Thanks for any advice you have.
Signed "Catterpillar" with no "cocoon."
Hello there, caterpillar.
I see you and I especially see you in this vulnerability, in this nakedness, in this
I am fleshy and penetrable in a world of grief and loss and there is nothing and no one
here to surround me.
I am not being wrapped in love.
I am not being surrounded with care.
I am not being bundled in any way, shape or form with anything that feels like comfort.
There is a rawness and a rage and a, yeah, a cosmic being ripped off by the universe like
a betrayal.
Hey, what gives?
We all experience loss.
Yes, that's true, but we're also all supposed to experience the feeling of being loved and supported.
And what you are pointing to here is such a common and heartbreaking grief and it's recognizing
that the friends you have right now can't or won't be your grief friends.
Said another way they are simply not good at grief.
I really want to dial into your rage here, this feeling of being eaten alive because a
lot of times anger, rage, disappointment, unmet expectations, even kind of like a slow burn,
fury.
These are things that can show you what your values are.
And when it comes to being in friendship and relationship with other people, it sounds
like what you value because this is what you're most pissed off about is depth, an emotional
sensitivity and an awareness and a mindfulness of grief.
Those are values.
Those are things you can bring as standards of admission into these relationships and into
new relationships as you consider going out and making friends in the aftermath of loss.
And kind of tangentially, I just want to say that feeling rage is a really good sign in
grief.
And everybody's like, but I don't want to feel mad.
I don't want to upset people.
I don't want to feel like I'm on fire all the time.
And I will often laugh and say, I am so glad you're angry because it means you have the
energy to be anger is an emotion that from us as humans requires a pretty great deal of
energy.
And so what this means right now in your grief, having lost three significant people slash
animals that are really important to you is that you are coming out of this fog or
this haze of early grief of can't do anything and mobilized on the couch absolutely flat on
the floor.
And you are emerging into this place where you're sitting here looking around, being like,
okay, where's the support?
What gives?
Where is it?
I was promised this or being inherently human should guarantee this level of support,
comfort, where the hell is it?
And to have the energy to feel angry is a sign that you are coming out of the very deep
immobilization that happens in early grief oftentimes, the shock, the numbness, the overwhelm.
And it's you are ready in some form, in some part, to take action.
So here's some actions related to these friends that I can give to you right now.
If you want to be direct, if you have the bravery, the cajonays, whatever you want to
call it, to be direct, you can simply ask, hey, how come you never ask about my dad?
How come we never talk about that?
And just see what they say.
Let their response tell you everything you need to know about them, but just pointedly ask,
how come we never talk about this person or my parakeet or all the losses I've had?
How come it's only this?
I just want to know.
I just want to know if there's any blockers or barriers there or I just want to know if
it makes you uncomfortable or I just want to know if you don't have the words to say,
because I can give you some words to say, but it's weird that we don't talk about it.
Why don't we talk about it?
If you want to be a little less direct, something I always love doing is offering an invitation.
So something like, it would mean a lot to me if you'd ask about my mom now and then.
That's an open door that you are building with your own two hands for them to walk through.
And then it becomes up to them to walk through it.
I invite you to do this very clear, explicit thing that I am asking you to do.
And then you can also be indirect.
You can ask for people to share stories about your parakeet on social media and hope that
your friends show up in the comments.
You can display pictures around your home, implying that you are comfortable with your
losses, with your people being publicly displayed in a way that feels comfortable for you.
So they can be comfortable with that as well.
You're inviting them into that space again that you've created in some way.
It's an indirect way of signaling to the people in your life, especially if they're frequent
visitors to your home, that this is a place where grief is welcome.
And we can talk about it together.
I also want to say too, because I know in your letter you mention making new friends is
hard, especially when you're grieving and sometimes just venting in an online grief support
group that is designed for holding space for grieving people can be really helpful.
It can be a source of validation and people saying I get it and people sharing more tips
and more stories of what has helped them in the comments than anything else you're receiving
right now.
Maybe even more than I am able to help you here on this podcast and the other benefit of
it is is that online grief support groups are often wonderful places to make new grief
friends.
I know it's exhausting.
I know you have to deal with time zone differences, sometimes language differences because
people worldwide are grieving.
Sometimes they're not grieving the exact same loss as you and when you get all these grieving
people together in one place, there's a sort of magic that happens where there was never
at any point of requirement that anyone enter this room wearing a mask.
We come into this space masks off because we know exactly what it's about.
I know for sure that people have definitely forged friendships and found each other online
and in person through my online grief support group and community life after loss academy.
So if you'd like to join us there, we would love to have you and we have regular discussions
about the shittiness of friends and family, the things they say, the things they don't
say, the things they do, the things they don't do and how to navigate that and also how
to make friends.
But we also talk about what a relief it is sometimes to be surrounded by other grieving
people who simply get it and to shrug off that mask, take off the heavy coat at the door
and to simply exist to let all that grief just hang out.
Sometimes when you're going through it, it is really helpful and you need to be surrounded
by others who are going through it too.
It's really frustrating when you are this raw naked caterpillar to be surrounded by
people who could cocoon you.
You see them as having that possibility, but they can't or won't or don't know how to.
It's a different story entirely when you are a naked, raw, vulnerable caterpillar and
you are in a room or to extend the metaphor on a plant with a bunch of other naked, raw
caterpillars.
Somehow we're all finding the same branch and lumping together for warmth and finding
ways to cocoon each other in a world that is not designed to cocoon us or with friends
and family who can't or won't or choose not to or don't know how to cocoon us.
Because something that is inherent about grief is that for as much as we try, we can cocoon
ourselves to some point.
But so much healing and life after loss does come from and you picked up on this, being
supported and surrounded by other people.
No one grieves alone and no one heals alone.
And it can be really important for us to know that from a physical, mental, emotional
spiritual level when we're grieving.
I am hoping that this jealousy you feel, this envy towards people with really good grief
friends, this anger propels you to action because what this is telling me is you do have
the energy to act.
I hope you'll join us in life after loss Academy.
I hope you'll find other places to share and express your grief online to find the
cocooning that you need and I hope that you'll write back to me and report on how you're
doing.
I am sending you so much love and luck with a caterpillar and know that there are so many
other naked, raw, vulnerable, but friendly community oriented caterpillars out here in
the world.
I love you.
That's all for this episode of Dear Grave Guide.
Thank you so much for joining me today.
If you're feeling lost, stuck, heartbroken or overwhelmed in the midst of your own grief,
check out my free workshop Grow Through Grave.
Free ways to stop feeling stuck and start moving forward.
I'll give you three easy, actionable tools for navigating life after loss and show you
how you can create peace, stability and compassion right there in the middle of grief's confusion
and uncertainty.
You can find the workshop link in the show notes.
If this podcast helped you feel a little less alone in your grief, please subscribe and
leave a review on Apple podcasts, Spotify or wherever you're listening.
And be sure to share Dear Grave Guide with a friend because you'll never know what someone
you love is going through.
You can submit your anonymous letter for the show and find additional grief support at
shelbyforsitia.com.
Music for Dear Grave Guide is performed by Eddie Goldstein, editing by Ruth Spence of
Celebio.
Until next time, I see you.
I am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world and I love you because even
through grief, we are growing.
Music for Dear Grave Guide is performed by Eddie Goldstein, editing by Eddie Goldstein.