1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,040 You are not doing grief wrong if anger is showing up in your grief. 2 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:07,360 And chances are you are not overreacting about what happened or going crazy. 3 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:13,560 In this podcast today, I'm going to outline what many people do not know about the relationship between anger and grief. 4 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:18,160 I will teach you three of my favorite ways to cope with anger in the aftermath of loss. 5 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:27,520 I will share with you why you do not need to fix your anger in order to heal and talk about why exactly anger deserves a place in your grief experience. 6 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:32,680 So if you are good and mad and I believe it's possible to be both, let's get started. 7 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:52,240 Hi there, grief growers. 8 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,360 I am so honored to be here with you again today, as always. 9 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,280 If you've been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back. 10 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:02,120 And if you are new to me and my work, hello, my name is Shelby for Scythia. 11 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:06,600 I am a grief coach, a three time author and the founder of Life After Loss Academy, 12 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:13,240 which is an online course in community that has helped dozens of greeting people stop feeling lost, stuck, broken and alone, 13 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:19,200 and start building lives that they genuinely love from the lives that lost forced them to live. 14 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:23,280 This includes and we honor here on grief growers not only death related losses, 15 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:29,240 but also losses like divorce and breakup, major diagnosis and any other loss that significantly changes your life. 16 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,720 Here on the show, we also believe that grief is not something that we get over. 17 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:38,000 It is something that we grow with and alongside and that when we stop treating grief like a problem to be solved, 18 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:42,720 and instead start treating grief like something that invites us to live more deeply, 19 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:46,480 we create a meaningful life that is rich with the struggles that we faced, 20 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:52,120 all of the memories that we carry and the preciousness of what it means to be here right now. 21 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:57,600 And in this moment, today on the show, we are talking about one of my all time favorite topics, 22 00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:00,800 which might seem counterintuitive if you know me in person. 23 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:07,280 I'm a very happy people describe me as bubbly or confident or joyful person. 24 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:12,320 And anger is one of my favorite emotions to feel and favorite emotions to talk about, 25 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:13,480 especially when it comes to grief. 26 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:17,720 Anger is such a prevalent thing that comes up after any sort of major life event. 27 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,720 I joke about the 3D's death, divorce and diagnosis, 28 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,600 but also any other major loss that changes your life. 29 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:27,680 There are so many reasons that we feel anger and sometimes anger also has no reason. 30 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:33,000 And there are so many different ways that we are seen as people feeling anger based on 31 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:37,600 what we've been through based on the color of our skin, based on our gender, 32 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,560 based on whether we're neurodivergist or not. 33 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:44,000 There are so many different elements that come into the intersection of grief and anger. 34 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,480 So we're going to get into those things today. 35 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:50,600 And then also I'm going to share with you three of my all time favorite tools for talking about. 36 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:51,600 Anger. 37 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:58,200 Suffice it to say that there is a moment in almost every grief experience when the sadness of grief 38 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,280 becomes something sharper and more pronounced. 39 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:06,680 For many grieving people, this can show up as irritation, maybe warranted or unwarriented at a friend. 40 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:12,320 Maybe it's snapping at your family members or your coworkers or like another driver on the road 41 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:16,520 over something that may have been small to you in life before loss. 42 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:23,880 Maybe anger shows up for you as full blown, full-throated rage at the news of a diagnosis, 43 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:27,400 a divorce, a death, something that changes your life forever. 44 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:33,360 Whatever shape it takes, anger is one of the most common and sadly the most misunderstood 45 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:34,240 emotions of grief. 46 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:38,440 If you are feeling angry right now, which I suspect you are because you found this episode 47 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,960 and are listening to it, here's what I would like you to know. 48 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:45,920 You are not doing grief wrong if anger is showing up in your grief and chances are you are not 49 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,720 overreacting about what happened or going crazy. 50 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:53,760 In this podcast today, I'm going to outline what many people do not know about the relationship 51 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:54,920 between anger and grief. 52 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:59,480 I will teach you three of my favorite ways to cope with anger in the aftermath of loss. 53 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:05,800 I will share with you why you do not need to fix your anger in order to heal and talk about why 54 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,920 exactly anger deserves a place in your grief experience. 55 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:13,440 Like every other emotion, it is not something that I'm going to ask you to tidy up or fix or solve or put away 56 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,400 or kind of banish to another part of your life. 57 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:20,120 Anger, just like the rest of your grief emotions, definitely belongs and we will talk about why that is. 58 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:25,680 So if you are good and mad and I believe it's possible to be both, let's get started. 59 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:30,840 The first thing that I want to cover in today's episode is that your anger does not have to make sense, 60 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,760 especially when grief is in the mix. 61 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:38,440 One of the biggest misconceptions or frustrations about anger and grief is that it needs to be rational 62 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:39,600 or that needs to be logical. 63 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,920 You have to have arrived at some logical conclusion for your anger to be valid. 64 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:49,280 Many, many, many, many of the clients and students that I work with try to talk themselves out of or walk 65 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:53,600 themselves back from being angry because their anger doesn't make sense to them. 66 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:59,680 They will say things like, we all die, so I can't be mad at death or something like, I know it's not her fault. 67 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:04,000 So why am I still so angry at her or for friends or family who are just trying to help? 68 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,520 They were just doing the best they could. 69 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:09,520 They don't deserve my rage or my loved one didn't choose to get sick. 70 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:14,200 So I shouldn't be mad at him or they were just trying to support me or they were fumbling. 71 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:18,520 Their words or they were trying to give me a gift and it landed wrong. 72 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,160 But why would I lash out at them? 73 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:27,800 The thing about anger and grief and you may know this already is that it doesn't operate within the tidy 74 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:28,720 bounds of logic. 75 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,280 Anger doesn't always have a reason for being. 76 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:37,960 And especially when it comes to grief, your anger does not and should not need to be justified, 77 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,480 explained or defended. 78 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,680 You do not owe anyone proof of why you're angry. 79 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:49,800 You do not need to somehow submit evidence to a jury or a courthouse to earn the right to feel you anger. 80 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,320 You do not need permission to feel angry. 81 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,440 Your anger does not need a reason. 82 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:58,240 You can literally in grief, just be angry. 83 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:05,360 And what I want to also give you some examples of today is that you can be mad when you're grieving at like just about 84 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:05,880 anything. 85 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:12,080 You can be mad at a cause of death, like a disease, an undetected blood clot, a physical difference, 86 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:16,720 a car accident, a cheating partner or their partner, a weapon, a mental illness, 87 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,080 the rainy day that led to a devastating fall. 88 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,080 Is it logical to be mad at those things? 89 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:21,840 Who knows? 90 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,720 You can absolutely be mad at those things though. 91 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:28,720 You can also be mad at larger inanimate things like God, the universe, 92 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:32,280 politician, society, war, hunger, climate change, the healthcare system, 93 00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:37,400 fate, death and even time itself for moving forward as you continue to grieve. 94 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,960 You can absolutely be mad at all of those things. 95 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:44,760 You can even be upset with the person or pet who died or a relationship that you lost, 96 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:48,920 whether they are physically or mentally or emotionally absent, 97 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:53,160 whatever instance of your loss of them, whether they died or their relationship ended, 98 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:54,720 they aren't where you need them to be. 99 00:06:54,720 --> 00:07:00,240 They aren't here to witness your pain or show their love for you or share the heavy load of 100 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,960 grief or answer or account for their actions. 101 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:09,760 It is okay to be angry that they're gone, whether or not your anger for their 102 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:13,240 goneness or about their absence is rational. 103 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:13,920 Yeah. 104 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,240 That's the permissions that I want to give you right out of the gate. 105 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:20,120 The other thing I want to talk about with anger is that a lot, a lot of a lot of 106 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:24,400 times in grief, anger shows up as a spectrum and not a single emotion. 107 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:28,680 I struggle sometimes with the English language because we often will only have 108 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,560 single words when we mean a lot of things. 109 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:36,720 People say anger and grief and a lot of times people will assume that anger 110 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,680 equals loud, violent, blatantly obvious. 111 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:43,280 When people hear the word anger, they picture people yelling or slam doors or 112 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,520 explosive rage or like temper tantrums. 113 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:50,240 But after a loss, anger rarely comes out one way. 114 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:55,080 And more often it lives on this very, very large kind of x axis, 115 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,320 y axis spectrum of volume and intensity. 116 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:03,920 So on one end, you might notice things like irritation at small inconveniences or 117 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,760 things that you have to do now that somebody has died. 118 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:11,120 Snapping at people you love, short fuse with coworkers or strangers or this 119 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:16,200 just like overall simmering sense of resentment or sarcasm or cynicism about 120 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:16,640 the world. 121 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:20,800 On the other end of the anger spectrum, you might experience things like 122 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:25,440 intense white, hot rage, sometimes in books and novels it's referred to as blinding 123 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,880 rage where you literally can't see your so mad. 124 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:31,160 You might also feel the urge to scream or to break something or you might 125 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,440 actually scream or break something. 126 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:37,920 You might feel overwhelming fury at the unfairness of it all and you might also 127 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:41,720 feel anger that feels so big that your body simply cannot contain it. 128 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:46,560 My mom died when I was 21 years old and I was so furious at the time of her death. 129 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:50,840 I literally felt if I let all of my anger out that I would die, that I would 130 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:51,520 literally explode. 131 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:56,440 Both ends of that spectrum, kind of like the tiny simmering anger, 132 00:08:56,440 --> 00:09:01,000 like the underground anger and the very overt anger and everywhere in between 133 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,800 that are all valid expressions of anger and grief. 134 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:08,320 You do not have to be yelling for anger to count as anger and you are not 135 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,640 unfeeling if your anger is quiet. 136 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:14,600 So you are not too much if your anger is loud and you are not careless. 137 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:19,680 If your anger is to other people or even to yourself too little or not enough. 138 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:27,320 Before we get into the three tools, I want to take a very important, not a 139 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:32,280 detour. This is a very important addendum to the topic of anger and it's one 140 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,280 that's even more significant in this year of our Lord 2026. 141 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,760 And that is anger does not look the same for everyone. 142 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:43,840 It is worth naming, worth stating that anger is not experienced or expressed 143 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,280 the same way across every person or community. 144 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:50,320 And that matters a heck of a lot, especially when it comes to anger and grief. 145 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,920 Because the way that we are socially conditioned, the places where we grow up, 146 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:57,800 the communities we grow up in, the society, the media, we consume the lessons that 147 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:02,480 we learn all of this plays a massive role in how we are allowed to show anger. 148 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:07,080 And it is important to notice not only how your own demographic and cultural 149 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,560 realities impact others impressions of your anger, how they see you, 150 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:14,560 but also how your beliefs and social conditioning affect how you see the anger 151 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:15,600 of the people around you. 152 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:22,120 Because we are always kind of surveying and being interested in and 153 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,240 critiquing our environments and the people around us. 154 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:28,560 We're always just kind of aware of other people and noticing how other people see 155 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:32,920 you and how your anger is perceived and how you perceive others anger is really 156 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:36,640 significant, especially when it comes to anger that is grief related. 157 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,400 I'll give you a whole bunch of examples. 158 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:41,440 And if you are looking for the research articles that these are based on, 159 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:45,200 like the actual scientific and psychological research, you can find the blog 160 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:49,640 for this podcast episode at shallwefersithia.com/blog and you can just search 161 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,440 the word anger and you'll be able to find it there. 162 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,480 Okay, here's a great example. 163 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:58,840 A lot of times women are socialized to suppress anger or reframe it as sadness 164 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:04,360 or let it out passive aggressively, sort of covertly angry while men are frequently 165 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:08,080 given more permission to express anger outright, yelling, punching things, 166 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,800 destroying property, hurting people, for instance. 167 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,040 This, these are very broad strokes I'm painting in in this section of the show 168 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:18,600 today, but I want to kind of get your gears thinking on how your anger might 169 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,760 be seen differently, perhaps than other people who are grieving in your orbit. 170 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:25,800 Driving home either in further in gender and then adding race on top of it, 171 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:30,000 black women in particular are often stereotyped through the harmful angry 172 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:34,200 black women trope, which can make it really risky for black women to express 173 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:38,280 legitimate grief related anger without fear of being unfairly judged or 174 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,400 criticized by people who are not black. 175 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:45,240 A very similar trope is true for Latinx people, Latina, Latino, Latinx, 176 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,680 who are pigeonholed a lot of times, especially in media and the movies, 177 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:53,200 as hot tempered or spicy people expect them to be angry and expect to that anger 178 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,400 to come out in a very specific or certain way. 179 00:11:55,400 --> 00:12:01,080 So when it doesn't, they are judged or criticized or dismissed or ostracized. 180 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:05,520 Black men are perceived often as violent or threatening. 181 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:08,920 This is also true for people from southwest Asia and northern Africa, 182 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:10,280 what is also known as the Middle East. 183 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:15,040 An indigenous people's anger is often downplayed or dismissed as savage 184 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,160 or lawless as having no structure. 185 00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:22,080 And this is all within the orbit of patriarchy, white supremacy, capitalism, 186 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:23,680 the systems under which we live. 187 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:28,520 And I'm speaking largely within the United States, but also as they fan out into 188 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,000 the world writ large world, these systems apply. 189 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:36,000 One last thing on race, Asian people, specifically Asian American people are 190 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:40,880 held to this model minority standard, which stereotypes them as quiet and conflict 191 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:41,360 avoidant. 192 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:45,040 And while some studies I found show that several Asian communities prioritize 193 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:49,000 something called emotional suppression, which is a conscious or unconscious tamping 194 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:53,320 down of all emotions to kind of co-regulate a collective family or a community 195 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:54,000 experience. 196 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,120 It's like if we're all kind of on the same emotional baseline, then everyone's 197 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:57,960 largely okay. 198 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:02,720 Asian people still feel the same emotions and at the same volume and intensity 199 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:03,480 as other races. 200 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:04,680 And this includes anger. 201 00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:11,480 And so I think societal expectation or media expectation will often portray 202 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:15,360 Asian grief as quiet or subdued or restrained. 203 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,880 And that's not always the case. 204 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:22,080 And we should be okay with, we should learn to be okay with as a society for 205 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:26,480 Asian people and people of all races to express anger in ways that we, 206 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:30,640 especially as white people, don't necessarily heavy, heavy ear quotes, expect 207 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:31,440 of them. 208 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,880 There's so many wonderful research papers that exist in science on the 209 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:40,400 intersection between race and the portrayals of anger and expectations of 210 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,560 anger, especially when grief and trauma are in the mix. 211 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:45,800 And so again, if you want to do some further reading, you can find more studies 212 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:50,680 on anger grief and social demographics on shall be first the 213 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:53,960 theater comm slash blog and you can search for the word anger and find it there. 214 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:57,600 Another way that anger can differ is for people who are neurodivergent, 215 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,640 their grief may be expressed and especially anger may be expressed in ways 216 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,440 that look different from neurotypical people. 217 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:08,040 Things like physical meltdowns often called adult temper tantrums or total 218 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:11,000 and complete withdrawal from other people, maybe their ways of expressing 219 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:15,560 anger and those expressions are sometimes pathologized instead of understood 220 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:19,440 as valid responses to a loss or trauma or crisis. 221 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:23,760 People who are queer, hi, hello, LGBTQ plus grievous anger is frequently 222 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:28,080 perceived, especially by larger society and culture as diva behavior or 223 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,560 hostile, especially for trans people. 224 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:34,920 And they are commonly accused of having political motivations underneath 225 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,280 their anger, like you're just angry. 226 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:37,560 So you can get this bill passed. 227 00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,600 You're just angry so you can wind to a senator. 228 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:43,200 You're just angry so you can cause a scene at this, um, 229 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,640 this council war and meeting or whatever. 230 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,000 The awful story is that people are making up about them. 231 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:52,000 A lot of queer people as well face a sort of banishment because of other 232 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,920 perceptions of their anger being ostracized from their families, 233 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:59,400 friend groups, jobs, communities, queer people express rage, societies like nope. 234 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:04,280 And kicks them out of places or spaces where other grieving people may find help and 235 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:04,720 support. 236 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:09,680 In another demographic lens, I'm shifting you again, younger grieving people. 237 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:14,480 I'm thinking teens and children are sometimes dismissed as immature or dramatic 238 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:20,800 for the exact same anger and the exact same way of expression as an adult would 239 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:21,200 have. 240 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:26,640 And it is so frustrating because younger grievers, they, they know grief. 241 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:34,000 They may not, um, develop mentally, understand or recognize the full extent 242 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:38,360 of what is happening, but that doesn't mean that their anger is ignorance or 243 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:39,120 naivete. 244 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,720 And that is something that is often applied to younger grievers. 245 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,200 I think the same can be said for old people as well. 246 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,760 People don't expect older people to like have outbursts or be angry or to be 247 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:49,680 violent necessarily. 248 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:50,840 It's like she's a nice old lady. 249 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,400 Why would she be acting like that? 250 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,080 I'm like, she's angry. 251 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:53,720 She's grieving. 252 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:58,160 And it's really interesting to notice like what expectations do you have of 253 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:01,640 yourself and your anger or do other people have a view and your anger based on 254 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,160 these demographics? 255 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,520 And then of course this goes without saying poor people homeless people mentally, 256 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:10,120 it will folks as well as anyone with substance use disorders face additional 257 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:14,360 layers and layers of societal judgment surrounding anger because they are often 258 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,040 blamed as the cause of their suffering and misfortune. 259 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:21,320 And therefore they are the root of their anger issues in addition to 260 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,120 everything else that they are facing. 261 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:26,880 I know that's a lot of information to dump on you all at once. 262 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,760 And it may or may not apply to your identity specifically. 263 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:37,240 And it also is is a door opener, a lens opener, a viewfinder for how 264 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,160 anger and grief exists in the world. 265 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,480 We say so often on grief, 266 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:45,440 grower that grief never exists in a vacuum and noticing your unique demographic, 267 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:50,560 sociological, financial, economical, political profile, 268 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:55,520 noticing all these things about yourself, all the identities you hold in addition 269 00:16:55,520 --> 00:17:00,800 to griever is a fascinating way to recognize how grief is at 270 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:04,480 play and how perceptions of grief are at play and what stereotypes about grief 271 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:09,080 are at play in your own life and then also in the lives of other people around you. 272 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:13,600 If you have ever felt like you've had to hide or minimize or explain 273 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,520 away your anger because of how you might be perceived by other people, 274 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,000 that makes complete and total sense to me. 275 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:24,600 I also want to validate that it takes so much emotional energy to assess the 276 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:29,240 room, to read the room and package your anger differently in order to be taken 277 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:33,160 seriously or access care or belong to a community or feel safe. 278 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:37,680 And that is a heavy load on top of already heavy grief to not just be grieving, 279 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:43,520 but to be self policing or self dampening in order to not make other people scared 280 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:48,960 or uncomfortable or willing to to exile you when you are angry. 281 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:53,080 The tools that I'm sharing in the next section of our podcast today are going to 282 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,480 be helpful to you and understanding and processing anger. 283 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:59,160 But I also want you to know that if a lot of what I'm saying is bringing up 284 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:03,240 all my gosh, I haven't been able to express anger in my marriage because I'm the 285 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:06,560 woman or I haven't been able to express anger in my family because I'm the 286 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:11,640 youngest or because I'm Asian and I'm adopted, for instance, it might be worth 287 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:15,560 considering how you might look for or get additional support personalized to 288 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:19,040 the unique identities you hold, whether you are poor person, whether you're a 289 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,800 queer person, whether you are someone with a history of a substance use disorder, 290 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:22,880 whether you're a black person. 291 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:29,920 If you simply Google black mental health care for grief or something like 292 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:33,720 homeless mental health care for grief, you will find likely something in your 293 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,760 area or something online that can be an additional scaffold to you in addition 294 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,800 to the tools in this episode. 295 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:43,480 Okay, here's the part where I teach you my three tools. 296 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,240 These are three tools for coping with anger after a loss. 297 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:50,560 And these are all a part of my online course in community life after a loss 298 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,800 academy, which is open year round to all grievers. 299 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:56,080 We have about 60 folks in there right now who are all learning and grieving 300 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:56,600 together. 301 00:18:56,600 --> 00:19:00,920 And anger has its own dedicated lesson inside the release module. 302 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:03,360 This is kind of like the second part of the course. 303 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:04,240 It has five parts. 304 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:05,200 This is the second part. 305 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,680 And this is where we work on meaningful grieving and releasing. 306 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,760 Everything loss has taken from us, including our old identities, our old hopes, 307 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,560 and our expectations for the future. 308 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:18,440 And of course, anger is a big part of releasing, of letting things go, 309 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:19,480 because we don't want to let things go. 310 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:23,720 We're mad about having lost things so often loss forcibly takes things from us 311 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,000 that we never consented to have taken. 312 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,520 And that is cause for rage. 313 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:28,840 And again, rage needs no reason. 314 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:32,600 Anger needs no reason, but sometimes we have some very good reasons to be angry. 315 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,240 And so anger definitely exists as a part of grief. 316 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,960 So I go much deeper into these tools and guidance inside life after loss 317 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:39,480 academy. 318 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:43,440 But for all intents and purposes in this podcast today, this is kind of your 319 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:47,400 overview, the foundation of the three different methods that I personally 320 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,120 is with students who are working with anger. 321 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:56,680 So see if one or more of them help you notice or cope with your own anger differently. 322 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:58,960 The first one is something I call the doorway method. 323 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:03,160 And it is a common part of therapy and psychology practices. 324 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:08,240 And it basically is asking the question like, what is anger a doorway to? 325 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:13,120 Because anger is not usually the only emotion that exists at one time in your 326 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:17,640 heart. It frequently acts as a doorway or a trap door to something underneath it. 327 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:23,160 Hidden below an initial or a surface feeling of anger, you might find underneath 328 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:28,800 that trap door, powerlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, especially after a loss. 329 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:33,280 Anger can sometimes feel more bearable or more actionable, like if a fire under 330 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:38,440 your butt, then darker or joyless emotions, because anger comes with energy and 331 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,400 momentum, you can do something, you can hit something, you can yell about something, 332 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:46,400 you can type in angry, a paragraph long manifesto about something while griefs 333 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,040 other emotions, things like despair, powerless helplessness, hopelessness can 334 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,800 feel more like just sinking or giving into the pain of grief. 335 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:56,080 And so a lot of times anger is a lot easier or more accessible to feel. 336 00:20:56,080 --> 00:21:01,280 And so ask yourself this doorway method, what might anger be protecting me from 337 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:05,960 feeling? When you ask this question, it doesn't mean that your anger isn't real 338 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,880 and that it's not a valid emotion to be feeling. 339 00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:12,840 It means that anger might just be one layer of a bigger emotional picture, 340 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:17,480 a bigger emotional story and naming or trying to name what is underneath it, 341 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:21,200 what's at the root of the anger, can bring a surprising amount of relief and 342 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,920 clarity. And again, we do so much more of this inside life after loss academy. 343 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:29,440 The second tool I have here for you and please enjoy this thunderstorm outside 344 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:30,480 while we are recording today. 345 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:35,520 It's very apt for the episode about anger is what I call and pardon my French, 346 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:40,640 the give a shit method. This is my personal favorite because it reframes anger 347 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:44,880 as a piece of information rather than a problem to fix or an emotion to dismiss. 348 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:49,160 Anger and this is something I love about it often points directly to what you 349 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:52,680 value, aka what you give a shit about, which is why I call the give a shit method. 350 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:57,480 If you are furious about how your loved one was treated in the hospital before 351 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:02,400 they died, your anger might be highlighting how deeply you value compassion 352 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:04,720 and dignity and the people you love getting us say. 353 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,360 If you are angry that you didn't get clear answers during a divorce or a 354 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:12,000 diagnosis, that might be a sign that you value honesty and up frontness and 355 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:16,360 clarity. And so using the thing that you're angry about, I am angry about X. 356 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:20,480 Ask yourself, what does this anger tell me that I care about? 357 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:25,360 Something that was really remarkable to me after I grieved the breakup of an 358 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:29,560 engagement, very unexpectedly in 2017, the person I was going to marry told me 359 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,480 they didn't want to be engaged anymore for a few different reasons, but one 360 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,440 really big one that was a deal breaker for me. And it came out of the blue like 361 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,000 lightning that is happening right now here in Chicago. 362 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:47,720 And I felt so kind of flattened and flabbergasted and shocked that I had not seen 363 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:52,520 this coming. And it taught me my rage and that experience taught me that I 364 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:57,600 value being with people who can communicate what they're sorting out in their 365 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,560 souls, what they are experiencing in their brains. 366 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:05,000 I would rather know when you're like mid processing something before the 367 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:08,480 thought is fully formed, before the idea is fully formed and be a part of that 368 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:16,800 process as opposed to receiving essentially an eviction notice from a 369 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:20,720 relationship out of the blue. It was absolutely devastating to me. And one of 370 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:25,840 the highest values that I learned that I held in my anger is communication, 371 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,240 clarity and considerateness for the other person in a relationship. 372 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:33,800 And I remember writing those values at the top of a list. And when I met my 373 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:37,760 now wife, she actually had a list of her own that was very similar. And those were 374 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:42,760 three values that we had in common. So the value of asking, what does my rage 375 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:46,680 tell me that I care about? It can transform anger from something that feels 376 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:51,840 chaotic and uncontrollable and sort of bigger than you into something that 377 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:54,600 actually has a meaning and conserve a purpose for you in your life. You don't 378 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,520 have to do what I did with it. You don't have to make a list. But even just asking 379 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:02,040 the question, what does this anger tell me I value? Is a really wonderful way to 380 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:06,640 see anger as something more than a loud or an uncomfortable emotional 381 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:11,320 inconvenience in the midst of your grief? Okay, last one. Number three is the 382 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:16,360 get it out method. This is sometimes anger just doesn't need to be analyzed. It 383 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:19,360 can't be analyzed. It may not have a reason for being it just needs somewhere to 384 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:24,680 go. Because not every angry feeling requires your reflection or understanding 385 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,880 right away. In fact, sometimes doing the first two things trying to intellectualize 386 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:33,200 anger in the moment can lead to spiraling or rumination. It's like all I'm 387 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,920 thinking about is my anger and that can be very intense or exhausting on top of 388 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:40,440 everything else in grief that you are already carrying. So instead the get it 389 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:44,480 out method is about just getting it out of your body physically and creatively 390 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:48,120 releasing anger from your mind and your body. This could look like making a 391 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:52,000 list of everything that feels unfair or unjust or simply scribbling. If you 392 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,960 can't write words just scribble aggressively in notebook. This could be going for 393 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:59,600 a vigorous walk hike run anything that kind of tuckers you out physically is a 394 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:03,360 great way to discharge anger. It could also look like punching a pillow or 395 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:07,400 jumping angrily on the bed like stomping your feet on the mattress. Absolutely. It 396 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:10,600 could look like yelling in a forest or towards a body of water. You all have heard 397 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,880 me tell stories before about going to the pier here in Chicago and screaming or 398 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,800 crying in your car. People talk about cars as a very safe place to grief because 399 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,280 they are sort of enclosed spaces, especially when they're parked and still. Maybe 400 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:25,400 don't cry while driving but parks somewhere safe and still and let yourself feel 401 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:29,680 it. Or safely destroying physical objects. I made a great list here of 402 00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:33,320 stomping on cardboard boxes for recycling, smashing bread or crackers. This is 403 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:37,180 something I recently read about an ocean vlog book The Emperor of Gladness. There 404 00:25:37,180 --> 00:25:42,360 is an old woman in the novel who smashes bread rolls into mud when she's 405 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:47,120 furious. You could scrub dirty dishes, beat rugs outside, you could pound a 406 00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:50,920 clay or play dough, even chores like household chores that require cleaning when 407 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:55,800 done with the right mindset can be ways of expressing anger. The last one I have 408 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,840 here on the list here is visiting a rage room. This is something that all puns 409 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:02,920 intended has become all the rage in the last five to ten years or so. So see if 410 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:06,480 there is a rage room in your area. They will usually set up things like old TV's, 411 00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:11,800 computers, glass vases, things that can be easily broken and are satisfying to 412 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:16,600 break apart and you will wear essentially not a hazmat suit but like protective 413 00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:21,040 gear and glasses and and a helmet and be allowed to go in there with a baseball bat 414 00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:24,560 or a hammer or something similar and to literally break things apart as a way of 415 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:30,120 discharging anger rage or angry emotions in a safe and controlled environment. The 416 00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:33,720 question I have for you in this section or like you're guiding question is to ask 417 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:38,440 what would be a safe and satisfying way to release this anger right now? Like what 418 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:42,840 is possible for you right now? Comprehension about your anger can come later if 419 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:46,200 it comes at all and sometimes the most helpful thing you can do with anger is 420 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:50,080 simply to let it exist, to let it move through you and to let it be expressed 421 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:54,440 through the vessel of your body and especially if you are not ready to ask like 422 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:58,760 what might be underneath my anger or what might it mean that I value? The get it 423 00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:03,520 out method is your best place to start. Even mindfully feeling and practicing 424 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:07,960 releasing anger is a great thing to do and to cultivate to practice doing it 425 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:12,440 over and over again when you are grieving. The thing I want to leave you with 426 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:16,360 today is that anger deserves deserves deserves deserves a place in your grief. 427 00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:22,080 Anger is not a sign that you are stuck or unhealed or too much or not enough. It 428 00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:25,440 definitely does not mean that you're doing grief wrong and it doesn't mean that 429 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:29,560 something is broken inside of you or that you are permanently wounded in a way 430 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:36,760 that that means you can never be done up again. Anger as an emotion in and of 431 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:40,880 itself is a natural and valid response to everything lost is taken from you. Your 432 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:44,160 person, your pet, your future, your relationship, your body, your sense of safety, your 433 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:48,840 old identity, all of it, all of it, all of it. Learning to work with and listen to 434 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:53,160 your anger instead of fighting it or trying to shove it away or fearing it can be 435 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:57,280 one of the most freeing and insightful parts of grieving. So if you are feeling 436 00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:00,920 angry, let this be my permission slip to you. You do not have to justify 437 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:05,720 minimize it or wait until it makes sense in order to work with it. All you have 438 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:09,920 to do is to notice it and consider, ask yourself the questions, whether it holds 439 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:13,400 any additional meaning for you in this moment. And even if it doesn't or even if 440 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:17,520 that is too exhausting of a question to ask right now, allowing yourself to feel 441 00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:21,280 it and release it can help you feel like you are still growing and still working 442 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:28,440 with grief even in the midst of this storm of anger. These three tools, the doorway 443 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:32,320 method, the give a shit method, the get it out method are just the start, just the 444 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:36,200 beginning of what it looks like to start to examine the emotion of anger and to 445 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:40,720 work with it inside the context of grief. Inside my course in Community Life After 446 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,600 Laws Academy, we go so deep into each of these tools. There's journaling prompts, 447 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:48,240 there's practices, there's so many more ideas for expressing each of them. There 448 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:53,000 is an entire lesson, a whole workshop, a video on demand dedicated to anger, 449 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:57,520 plus so, so, so, so much more support for every single emotion that grief brings 450 00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:01,240 to the surface for you. If you are in a place where you are ready for tools, 451 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:05,160 community and support to help you move through the emotion of anger and every 452 00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:09,840 other layer of grief, life after laws academy is here for you. The course and 453 00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:13,480 community is open year round and includes weekly coaching with me so you can get 454 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:16,840 support for your unique loss, whether you are facing a death, a divorce or a 455 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:23,160 breakup, a diagnosis or any other major life transition. Regardless of if your 456 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:26,360 anger looks like quietly simmering that resentment, that cynicism, that 457 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:30,320 quietly snitting at other people or like absolutely boiling over like you are 458 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:35,360 on edge all the time, your grief is welcome here. So you can look in the show notes 459 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,800 for this episode to learn more about life after laws academy or if you are not 460 00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:42,080 sure whether it's right for you, you can take my free two-minute quiz to find out 461 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:45,440 and even if it's not right for you, I will tell you honestly at the end of the 462 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:50,120 quiz, you will get resources for coping with grief in the aftermath of any sort of 463 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:54,600 devastating loss. I hope you'll check it out and I would love to hold space to be 464 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:57,640 good and mad with you. 465 00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:06,880 That's all for this episode of Grief Grower. Thank you so very much for joining me 466 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,760 and the Chicago Thunderstorms today. If you're looking for grief support beyond 467 00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:14,400 the show, you can find free workshops, blog articles and my new book, of course I'm 468 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,960 here right now, three actually helpful things to say to someone grieving at 469 00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:23,880 Shelby for Scythea.com/links. And if you'd like to get support regarding anger or 470 00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:27,960 any other emotion from me for your uni-gloss experience, you can join us at any 471 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:32,000 time inside life after the loss academy. As a student, I will walk you through my 472 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:35,960 five-step grief method, ground-waste, integrate, establish and foster for 473 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:39,760 rebuilding after loss and you can get live coaching from me every week to answer 474 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:44,680 your questions. And yes, replays are always available if you can to tell life. If 475 00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:48,160 this podcast felt validating, comforting, educational or otherwise helpful to 476 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:52,520 you, please leave a review and subscribe on Apple podcasts or Spotify and be 477 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:56,560 sure to share grief girl with a friend because you never know what someone you love is 478 00:30:56,560 --> 00:31:00,640 going through. Grief growers listed by me Shelby for Scythea with The Music by 479 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:06,560 Addy Goldstein. Until next time, grief growers, I see you. I am so incredibly proud of you 480 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:14,880 and the work that you're doing in the world. And I love you because even through grief, we are growing. 481 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:16,880 [Music]