This is the most important first step to returning to life after loss and starting to feel oriented
again in a world that has turned upside down.
Hi there, Grave Growers, and welcome back to another episode of Grave Grower.
I am so honored to be here with you today.
If you have been growing alongside me in my work for a while, welcome back.
And if you are new to me in my work, hello.
My name is Shelby for Scythia.
I am a grief coach, two-time author and founder of Life After Loss Academy,
which is an online course and community that has helped dozens of graving people
stop feeling lost, stuck, broken, and alone inside the experience of grief,
and start building lives that they genuinely love from the lives that loss force them to live.
This of course not only includes death-related losses, but also losses like divorce and breakup,
major diagnosis, and any other transition or loss that changes your life.
Here on the show, we believe that grief is not something to get over.
As society might have you believe, grief is something to grow with and alongside,
and that what we stop treating grief less like a problem to be solved,
and more like an invitation to live more deeply,
we create meaningful lives that are rich with the memories that we carry and the struggles that we faced
and the preciousness of what it means to be right here right now.
Today on the show, we are continuing our deep dive into Life After Loss Academy,
my online course and community, as promised last week we did kind of a recap of Life After Loss Academy as a whole.
Today I'm going to take you through Module 1 of my grief method framework, and that is the letter G,
which stands for ground, and it's basically the first thing you must do before you begin anything else,
or do anything else in Life After Loss.
This is a step that I definitely skipped after my mother's loss.
I knew better by the time my best friend died almost 10 years later,
and it really has changed how I grieve and how I interact with and teach people who are grieving.
So today's topic is what to do after loss, the first step you cannot skip if you genuinely want to heal.
Because when losses come in and shattered your world,
one of the biggest questions that is like racing around in your brain,
sometimes quietly unrepeat while you're typing at work or driving the kids in carpool,
and sometimes it's like the thing that's the neon sign that's flashing in the front of your brain
is what am I supposed to do now?
Because after devastating loss, whether again the death of a loved one, a painful divorce,
a life-changing diagnosis, any other major transition, any other doorway that you are shoved through in Life,
it is normal to search for something, to make pain more bearable or to get out of the pain that you're in.
I often refer to it as the scramble to figure out your next steps in Life After Lost. There's kind of this like,
some of you might be too young to know like Rovren or Loonie Toons or like Flintstones feet,
that sound of like "buttta da da da da da da da" and trying to like get back on your feet or move
really fast, but all you're really doing is running in place. What you do know for sure after loss
is that you want to feel better than you do right now, but what you might also know for sure
is that you have no idea where to start. When grief steam rolls through your life, it is really,
really normal. I know I just said that we're normal twice within probably a minute, but it's really
normal. I want to validate this for you, to want relief, to want answers, and to want someone to show
you a clear path forward through the chaos and the mess of it all. But here's the truth that I,
and so many other grieving people, had to learn the hard way, and I want to make sure that you don't
have to learn this the hard way. Before you go into the hard work and what I call the heart work
of processing your grief, before you can start to heal, air quotes around heal because healing is
kind of a constant practice, and before you can even think about rebuilding your life again,
you have to feel safe in the world. And you might be thinking, "Butchleby,
law showed me that nothing is safe anymore." Exactly. So this episode is kind of like a recap of
the first thing you need to do in loss, feeling safe, and why feeling safe or getting grounded or
finding stability or building security, however you'd like to refer to it. This is the most important
first step to returning to life after loss and starting to feel oriented again in a world that has
turned upside down. And I want to get into why feeling safe is the thing that's missing in so
many grief support approaches, because you're right. That voice in your head that just contradicted
me, "Shall we? The world is not safe." You're correct. The world after loss feels unsafe because it is
unsafe. Your loss, death, divorce diagnosis, the 3D's, anything else beyond that has taught you,
and you know it, deepen your heart and soul in mind, that anything can happen to anyone at any time
for any reason, including no reason at all. And that knowledge changes everything. In life after
loss academy, we often talk about after a loss, you're forced to wear grief glasses. It's like someone
has super glued them to your face. You now see the world through the lens of anything can happen
to anyone at any time for any reason, including no reason at all. It literally changes your world.
The loss changes how you see the world. And yet the advice that most grieving people receive is
you need to talk to someone, or I saw this grief workshop online. You should try it. Or I saw this
grief book in a bookstore. It helped my cousin's friend. So here I'm gifting it to you. Have you
trying to sing a medium? You just need to get away from it. I'll book a retreat or a vacation or
something. And for what it's worth, like these suggestions aren't inherently wrong or bad,
as a grief coach and somebody who has written books and who leads regular workshops, like I want
people to engage with my work. Therapy, retreats, support groups, books, podcasts, all of these things
can help. And for many grieving people, they offer literal life giving, life sustaining support over time.
But the hard power about all these resources is if you have not taken the time and put in the small,
but significant effort that it takes to ground yourself, to feel emotionally safe, to anchor into
some sort of stability again, these very tools, the things that people are handing you for support
or the things that you are seeking out yourself might leave you feeling more disoriented and more
discombobulated and more emotionally wrong, which is the opposite of what you want because it begins to
weave this story into your brain of somehow I must be doing grief wrong. If I keep doing these
things that everyone says I should do or I keep pursuing these grief support resources that I want
to do, but I still feel bad, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm doing grief wrong. To really ground this into
some examples, you might leave therapy feeling emotionally flooded and unsure how to return to
yourself again. You might cry your way through podcasts, maybe even this podcast, only to feel
hollow and empty afterwards instead of seen and heard and rooted in reality. You might go on a
retreat. You might spend the money to go on grief vacation and come home feeling cracked open
with no one to help hold it all and no ritual or routine for re-grounding into life again.
And all of these things aren't because you're broken or there's something wrong with you or that
you're getting grief wrong. It is because you have not yet built a safe place to return to.
I want to get into what I call the safety first rule. And this is something I teach in my free
workshop, Grow Through Grief, which you can find in this show notes for this episode. And it is the
number one thing that you must do before doing the hard and the hard work of grief. What most people
think of as grief work is like talking to a therapist or reading an emotional book or journaling
about your feelings or diving into the deep end of grief. I think a lot of people think that is the
work of grief and they miss out. They jump over this first step, but this rule, the safety first rule,
you must practice safety first is a game changer for grievers who feel lost or overwhelmed or stuck
or kind of like emotionally overloaded or flooded. The safety first rule is essentially this.
You have to practice feeling safe before you can do the hard and hard work of grief. It is not
optional. It is not extra. It is not fluff. It is the literal foundation of returning to and
rebuilding your life after loss. And I'll tell you why because I can hear some questioners on the
other side of the podcasting, well, why does this matter so much? Processing your grief without
practicing safety first is like setting up a tent in the wilderness without stakes so that any strong
wind, any difficult memory that comes across your brain, any hard conversation with a friend or
family member, a medical practitioner or a coworker or any hard day and there are a lot of hard days
in grief can send this makeshift tent that you have popped up collapsing in on you. And you end up
using your precious and limited energy after loss, not only coping with the emotional fallout of all
of that, but also trying to reset this fragile shelter you have made for yourself. And this can
quickly turn into this vicious cycle of collapsing and rebuilding and collapsing and rebuilding and
collapsing and rebuilding with no real progress made in your grief and that is very, very exhausting.
But when you do learn to feel safe again, when you practice feeling safe or secure or stable
or calm insert word of your choice here, even just a little bit on a regular basis, it changes
everything about how you do that hard and hard work of grief. So how do you start feeling safe
again in a world that has proven anything can happen to anyone at any time for any reason,
including no reason at all? Start by rooting or grounding yourself. You can insert whatever word
resonates most with you here. In my free workshop, which again you can find in the show notes,
you'll learn about the safety first rule. This looks like creating consistent rituals and routines
to ground yourself every single day. Even five to ten minutes and this is about one percent of
your waking hours can bring calming predictability to a nervous system, yours, that has been overloaded
by grief. And I want to give you some grounding ritual examples from life after loss academy
students. I'll give you three. The first one is from Betty, whose son died, and she dedicates
ten minutes every morning to holding a necklace with a pendant that has her son's fingerprint on it
and sitting quietly on the edge of the bed just thinking of him, just remembering him. This ten
minutes of her day is where grief is allowed. And so she gives permission for herself whatever
emotions are present to surface. Sometimes they're happy, sometimes they're sad. And when her
ten minute time or goes off, she takes a deep breath and puts the necklace away in a little box
on her dresser and starts her day feeling more centered because she has made dedicated space
for grief. There's another student life after loss academy named Marianne, whose husband
died suddenly. And she has created what she calls a safe spot in her home, inspired by her love
of the ocean. And in this safe spot, she listens to the sound of the ocean. She found a station on
Pandora that it's literally just ocean sounds. She lights a sea and sand candle and she looks at an
ocean side painting that she did last year. And this helps her feel more grounded as she navigates
grief. So she's kind of transporting herself to a safe place of her own making. And the third
example is from Sarah, whose best friend died from cancer. And her best friend left behind a beautiful
garden in the Pacific Northwest. So Sarah regularly visits this grief garden of her best friends
and pulls weeds and plants vegetables and flowers and burns bushes and admires the wildlife that
comes to visit. And for her having a garden as a grounding ritual is not a daily chore. It is a
chance to literally feel connected to the earth and to her best friend. Plus bonus being outside
regularly helps her feel more in her body as opposed to grief can have us a lot in our mind and a lot
in our feelings. So as you can see from just these three examples, small, consistent rituals and routines,
they're not just things that comfort us emotionally. They are neurological like nervous system
anchors. They tell your brain and your body, you are safe now. You are not in crisis anymore. And you
have a dedicated place to land, a place where your grief belongs. This is what happens when you practice
safety first after a loss. This is the positive effect that it has on your life. When you take the
time to ground yourself before doing the hard and hard work of grief, everything else you try,
everything else you pursue becomes that much more effective. You can go to therapy without feeling
as one of my students put it, quote, emotionally hungover, you can listen to a podcast, maybe this one
and walk away feeling supported and not shattered. You can read a book and actually absorb the
wisdom in it without comparing or judging yourself and you can go on vacation, take your grief on a trip
and return to life knowing how to care for yourself when you get back, when you unpack that suitcase.
You get to feel more steady and calm even when grief lairs unexpectedly. You begin to rebuild trust,
which is a thing a lot of my students and clients say they're missing it. Not only am I grieving my
person who died or my relationship, I'm also grieving trust in myself. So when you practice safety first,
you begin rebuilding trust in your brain and your body and your heart. You become a source of
consistency in your nervous system and everything else about you says, "Ooh, you are not a source of chaos."
Grief can be a source of chaos, but I am not a source of chaos. I am a source of consistency and
that rebuilds trust over time after a loss. Another thing that happens is that you create a
consistent practice to return to whatever your grounding routine or ritual is so that you're not left
untethered when big emotions or griefs, metaphorical storms come and knock down your tent. You experience
more clarity when making hard decisions about your relationships, work, and future. I'm going to do a
future episode on how it's garbage that people say you have to wait a year to make major decisions.
Sometimes we don't get that luxury. So practicing a grounding ritual can help you make big decisions
about your life after loss, especially if you need to make them quickly. And you grow stronger
roots that help you weather grief year after year and not just get through the day. Maybe at the start
of your ritual routine, your goal, I'm just trying to get through this day, but over time especially
when you practice grounding over and over and over and over and over again, when you practice
safety first, over and over and over and over and over again, you get the long tail effect, the long
term effect of being able to weather grief, including future losses. And I got to say that is a
whole lot of payoff for a five to 10 minute ritual based on grounding your grief. I will say
there are some downsides to not practicing safety first. If you choose to jump into the metaphor
will be bent of grief or a hardware cart work and say I'm going for it. I'm just going to start with
processing my emotions. Grief is not one size fits all and even the most well-meaning support that
you can find can feel like salt in the wound or a bad uncomfortable fit when you don't have the
foundations to feel safe and grounded as you practice them. So if you skip this step, if you jump
ahead to dealing with your emotions or trying to integrate your loved one or set boundaries with
friends and family members, they're even trying to find hope or meaning or peace again. These are
really big existential things you try and do after loss. If you skip the safety first step, you might
waste months or years trying every tool available to you only to feel as lost and untethered as you
were before you started. You might blame yourself when things don't work for your grief you might
consider yourself a failure and you might feel like you're getting grief wrong because you still
feel broken after doing what you or society believe to be all the quote unquote right things. This
is where so many grieving people get stuck and why I put it first and why I put it in my workshop
growth or grief which again you can find in the show notes for this episode because grieving people
when this happens when they don't practice safety first they assume something's wrong with them
and that they need to try harder or do more or feel faster or feel more efficiently which like how
do you even feel more efficiently. I don't even know how that's possible but like with our grieving
people in the world who genuinely think like I'm not feeling my feelings good enough and that's why
this is happening but what they really need is a safe place inside of themselves inside of their day
today that they can return to over and over and over again for grounding and centering an anchor that
studies them and that holds them in place inside the chaos of grief. I want to leave you with this kind of
a kind of a validation and affirmation you are not behind in your grief you are just ungrounded
if you have tried all the things in life after loss and you still feel like you are stuck or suffering
please know this you are not late you are not broken and you are very much not bad at grief
you might just be missing the first step in life after loss and before you start beating yourself
up it is not your fault that no one told you that getting grounded that tending to your nervous
system is the thing that needs to happen before you do anything else because practicing safety first
this is not glamorous it is not flashy it does not get the same amount of clicks as lists that say
10 ways to move on faster how to find closure the easy way but safety first and grounding and
practicing reorienting to the world again is the foundational step that changes everything in
life after loss and because this is worth repeating there is nothing wrong with seeking support after
loss there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel better or go to therapy or go to support group or
read a book or listen to a podcast but if you skip the grounding work before doing these things
these efforts at helping yourself feel better might leave you more confused or more drained
or less connected to yourself so if you are wondering what to do after a loss my loss happened
what now what what do i do next where do i go from here this is it before you go deeper
before you open up your grief wounds whether one on one or in a group setting before you try to start
quote healing because again healing is a perpetual journey practice safety first build a ritual
practice it consistently return to it when life gets harder overwhelming and notice how your
nervous system responds give your grief a dedicated moment of your day stabilize your body mind
in heart and then place every support to every workshop every resource on top of that strong
foundation you build you know with that in place it is impossible for you to blow away
when a grief comes pounding on your tent door because the most powerful grief or quell ever do
starts when your whole self body mind heart spirit believes i am safe enough i am grounded enough i
am centered enough i am stable enough to feel this insert extreme emotion or difficult grief concept
or new grief related relationship here grounding is so so important in life after loss so if you
want to learn more about the safety first rule one more time you can check out my free workshop it's
called growth through grief in the show notes i can i'll show you how to build a solid routine for
yourself and why that transforms your grief if you are already sold on the safety first rule you're
like yeah yeah i've got it i need to get grounded i'm ready to do that right now and i want to
know the steps for how to do that i hope you'll join us in my five-year loss academy the entire first
module ground is all about getting rooted in safety and stability i will teach you how to figure
out what are your safety sparks the things that help you feel more grounded that spark a sense of
safety in you for lack of better phrasing i'll tell you what to do if like the word safety doesn't
resonate with you because for a few of my clients who are like i came into this world feeling unsafe so
that word doesn't resonate what do i do with that i will tell you how to incorporate loved ones if
you'd like to to fold them into your safety ritual and i will show you how to give grief one
percent of your day and give you examples of what that has looked like for other students in life
after loss academy and i would love love love to see you there
that's all for this episode of grief grower thank you so very much for joining me today
if you're looking for grief support beyond the show you can find free stuff and so much more at
shallbyforseuthia.com/links and if you'd like to get support from me for your unique loss experience
i hope you'll join us in life after loss academy as a student i'll walk you through my five-step
grief framework for rebuilding after loss and you can get live coaching from me every single week
to answer your questions replays are always available if you can to tell live it's just $33
a month to join $22 a month if you're marginalized or financially stressed griver and you can cancel
at any time and now through august 31st you can try one month of life after loss academy absolutely
free with the code grief grower all one word you can find a link to do that in the show notes
if this podcast felt validating comforting educational or otherwise helpful to you in your grave
please subscribe and leave a review on apple podcasts or spotify grieve grower is hosted by yours
truly shall be for seuthia and the theme music is composed by addy coldstein until next time
i see you i am so proud of you and the work that you're doing in the world and i love you
because even through grief we are growing