Books at Bedtime by Calming Anxiety, the beginning of the Armadillos by Rudyard Kipling.
This, O Best Beloved, is another story of the high and far off times.
In the very middle of those times was a stickly prickly hedgehog, and he lived on the
banks of the turbid Amazon, eating Shelley snails and things.
And he had a friend, a slow, solid tortoise, who lived on the banks of the turbid Amazon,
eating green lettuces and things.
And so, that was all right, Best Beloved, do you say?
But also, at the same time, in those high and far off times, there was a painted jaguar,
when he lived on the banks of the turbid Amazon team, and he ate everything he could catch.
When he could not catch deer or monkeys, he would eat frogs and beetles.
And when he could not catch frogs and beetles, he went to his mother jaguar and she told
him how to eat hedgehogs and tortoises.
She said to him, "Ever so many times, graciously waving her tail, my son.
When you find a hedgehog, you must drop him into the water and he will then uncoyle.
And when you catch a tortoise, you must scoop him out of this shell with your paw."
And so that was all right, Best Beloved.
One beautiful night, on the banks of the turbid Amazon, painted jaguar, found stickly, prickly
hedgehog and slow, solid tortoise, sitting under the trunk of a fallen tree.
They could not run away.
And so stickly, prickly, curled himself up into a ball, because he was a hedgehog and slow,
solid tortoise, drew his head and his feet into his shell as far as they would go, because
he was a tortoise.
And so that was all right, Best Beloved.
Do you see?
Now attend to me, said painted jaguar, because this is very important.
My mother said that when I meet a hedgehog, I am to drop him into the water and then he
will uncoyle.
And when I meet a tortoise, I am to scoop him out of his shell with my paw.
Now, which of you is the hedgehog and which of you is the tortoise?
Because to save my spots, I cannot tell.
Are you sure of what your mummy told you, said stickly, prickly hedgehog?
Are you quite sure?
Perhaps she said that when you uncoyle tortoise, you must shell him out the water with a
scoop.
And when you pour a hedgehog, you must drop him on the shell.
Are you sure of what your mummy told you, said slow and solid tortoise?
Are you quite sure?
Perhaps she said that when you water a hedgehog, you must drop him into your paw.
And when you meet a tortoise, you must shell him until he uncoyle.
I don't think it was like that at home, said the painted jaguar, but he felt a little puzzled.
But please, say it again more distinctly.
When you scoop water with your paw, you uncoyle it with a hedgehog, said stickly prickly.
Remember that because it's important.
But said the tortoise.
When you pour your meat, you drop it into a tortoise with a scoop.
Why can't you understand?
You are making my spot say, said painted jaguar.
And besides, I don't want your advice at all.
I only want to know which of you is hedgehog and which of you is tortoise.
I shan't tell you, said stickly prickly.
But you can scoop me out of my shell if you like.
"Aha," said painted jaguar.
Now I know your tortoise.
You thought I wouldn't.
Now I will.
The painted jaguar darted out of his paddy paw, just as stickly prickly curled himself up.
And of course, jaguar's paddy paw was just filled with prickles.
Worse than that.
He knocked stickly prickly away and away into the woods in the bushes, where it was too
dark to find him.
Then he put his paddy paw into his mouth, and of course the prickles hurt him worse than
ever.
As soon as he could speak, he said, "Now I know he isn't tortoise at all."
But, and then he scratched his head with his unpretty prickly paw.
"How do I know that the other is tortoise?"
"But I am tortoise," said slow and solid.
Your mother was quite right.
She said that you were to scoop me out of my shell with your paw.
Begin.
You didn't say that, she said a minute ago, said painted jaguar, sucking the prickles out
of his paddy paw?
You said she said something quite different.
Well, suppose you say that I said that she said something quite different.
I don't see that it makes any difference.
Because if she said what you said, I said she said, it's just the same as if I said what
she said, she said.
On the other hand, if you think she said that you were to uncoil me with a scoop instead
of pouring me into drops from with a shell, I can't help.
Can I?"
"But you said you wanted to be scooped out of your shell with my paw," said painted jaguar.
"If you'll think again, you'll find that I didn't say anything of the kind."
I said that your mother said that you were to scoop me out of my shell, said slow and solid.
"What will happen if I do?" said the jaguar, most sniffly and most cautious.
I don't know, because I'd never been scooped out of my shell before.
But I tell you, truly, if you want to see me swim away, you've only got to drop me into
the water.
"I don't believe it," said painted jaguar.
"You've mixed up all the things my mother told me to do with the things that you asked
me whether I was sure that she didn't say.
Till I don't know whether I'm on my head or my painted tail, and now you come and tell
me something I can understand, and it makes me more mixing than before."
My mother told me that I was to drop one of you, or two, into the water, and as you seem
so anxious to be dropped, I don't think that you do want to be dropped.
So jump into the turbid Amazon and be quick about it.
"I warn you, that your mummy won't be pleased.
Don't tell her I didn't tell you," said slow and solid.
If you say another word about what my mother said, the jaguar answered, but he had not finished
the sentence before slow and solid quietly dived into the turbid Amazon.
I swam under the water for a long way and came out on the other bank where stickly prickly
was waiting for him.
That was a very narrow escape," said stickly prickly.
"I don't rib painted jaguar.
What did you tell him that you were?"
I told him truthfully that I was a truthful tortoise, but he didn't believe it, and he
made me jump into the river to see if I was, and I was, and he is surprised.
Now he's gone to tell his mummy, listen to him.
They could hear painted jaguar, roaring up and down among the trees and the bushes, by
the side of the turbid Amazon.
Till his mummy came.
"Son, son," said his mother, ever so many times, graciously waving her tail.
"What have you been doing that you shouldn't have done?"
I tried to scoop something that said it wanted to be scooped out of its shell, with my
paw, and my paw is full of pericols," said painted jaguar.
"Son, son," said his mother, ever so many times, graciously waving her tail.
"By the prickles in your paddy paw, I see that it must have been a hedgehog.
You should have dropped him into the water."
I did that to the other thing, and he said he was a tortoise, and I didn't believe him,
it was quite true, and he dived under the turbid Amazon, and he won't come up again, and
I have nothing at all to eat, and I think we had better find lodging's elsewhere.
They are too clever on the turbid Amazon for poor me."
"Son, son," said his mother, ever so many times, graciously waving her tail.
"Now attend to me, and remember what I say." A hedgehog curled himself up into a ball,
and his prickled stick out everywhere, every which way it once.
"But this, you will know is the hedgehog."
I don't like that old lady one little bit said stickly prickly, under the shadow of a largely.
I wonder what else she knows.
A tortoise can't kill himself up, mother Jaguar went on, ever so many times, graciously waving
her tail.
He only draws his head and legs into a shell, by this you may know the tortoise.
"I don't like this old lady at all, at all," said slow and steady tortoise.
Even painted Jaguar can't forget those directions.
"It's a great pity that you can't swim stickly prickly."
Don't talk to me, said stickly prickly, just think how much better it would be if you
could curl down.
This is a mess.
Listen to painted Jaguar.
Painted Jaguar was sitting on the banks of the turbid Amazon sucking prickles out of his
paw and saying to himself, "Can't curl but can swim.
Slow solid, that's him.
He'll never forget that.
This month of Sundays said stickly prickly.
"Hold up my chin, slow and solid.
I'm going to try to learn to swim.
It may be useful."
Excellent, said slow and solid.
And he held up stickly prickly's chin, while stickly prickly kicked in the waters of
the turbid Amazon.
He'll make a fine swimmer yet," said slow and solid.
"Now, if you can unlace my back plates a little, I'll see what I can do towards curling
up.
It may be useful."
Stickly prickly helped to unlace tortoises back plates so that by twisting and straining,
slow and solid actually managed to curl up a titty witty bit.
Excellent, said stickly prickly.
But I shouldn't do any more just now.
It's making you black in the face.
Kindly lead me into the water once again and I'll practice that side stroke, you say it
is so easy.
And so stickly prickly practice and slow and solid swam alongside.
Excellent, said slow and solid.
A little more practice will make your regular while.
Now, if I may trouble you to unlace my back in front plates two holes more, I'll try
that fascinating bend that you say is so easy.
Won't painted jaguar be surprised.
Excellent, said stickly prickly, all wet from the turbid Amazon.
I declare I shouldn't know you from one of my own family.
Two holes, I think you said.
A little bit more expression please and don't grunt quite so much or painted jaguar may hear
us.
When you finished, I want to try that long dive which you say is so easy.
Won't painted jaguar be surprised.
And so stickly prickly dived and slow and solid dived alongside.
Excellent, said slow and solid.
A little more attention to holding your breath and you'll be able to keep house at the bottom
of the turbid Amazon.
Now, I'll try the exercise of putting my hind legs around my ears which you say is so
peculiarly comfortable.
Won't painted jaguar be surprised.
Excellent, said stickly prickly, but it's draining your back plates a little.
They're all overlapping now, instead of the lying side by side.
"Om, that's the result of exercise," said slow and solid.
"I've noticed that your prickles seem to be melting into one another and that you're
growing to look rather more like a pine cone, unless like a chestnut bird than you use
to."
"Am I?" said stickly prickly.
That comes from soaking in the water.
"Om, won't painted jaguar be surprised."
They went on with their exercises, each helping the other till morning came and when the
sun was high they rested and dried themselves.
Then they saw that they were both very different form from what they had been.
Stickly prickly, said tortoise after breakfast.
"I am not what I was yesterday, but I think that I may yet amused painted jaguar."
That was the very thing I was thinking just now said stickly prickly.
I think scales are a tremendous improvement on prickles to say nothing of being able
to swim.
"Om, won't painted jaguar be surprised.
Let's go and find him."
I am by. They found painted jaguar, still nursing his paddy paw that had been hurt the night
before.
He was so astonished that he fell three times backwards over his own painted tail without
stopping.
"Good morning," said stickly prickly, "and how is your dear gracious mummy this morning?"
"She is quite well," said painted jaguar, "but you must forgive me if I was not the
one, if I do not at this premise moment, recall your name."
"That's some kind of you," said stickly prickly, "seeing that this time yesterday you tried
to scoop me out of my shell with your paw."
"But you hadn't any shell.
It was all prickles," said painted jaguar.
"I know it was.
Just look at my paw."
"You told me to drop into the turbid Amazon and be drowned," said slow solid.
"Why are you so rude and forgetful today?
Don't you remember what your mother told you?" said stickly prickly, "can't curl but can
swim stickly prickly, that's him."
Kills up but can't swim, slow solid that's him.
Then they both curled themselves up and rolled down and round and round the painted jaguar
till his eyes turned truly cartwheels in his head.
Then he went to fetch his mum.
"Mother," he said, "there are two new animals in the woods today and the one that you said
couldn't swim swims and the one that you said couldn't curl up curls.
And they've gone shares in their pickles."
I think because both of them are scaly all over, instead one of them being smooth and
the other being prickly.
Besides that, they are rolling round and round in circles and I don't feel comfy.
"Son, son," said mother jaguar ever so many times, graciously waving her tail.
"A hedgehog is a hedgehog and can't be anything but a hedgehog and a tortoise is a tortoise
and can never be anything else."
But it isn't a hedgehog and it isn't a tortoise.
It's a little bit of both and I don't know its proper name.
Nonsense said mother jaguar, "Everything has a proper name.
I should call it Armadillo till I find out the real one and I should leave it alone."
So painted jaguar did as he was told, especially about leaving them alone.
But the curious thing is, from that day to this, O best beloved.
No one on the banks of the turbid Amazon has ever called stickly prickly or slow solid,
anything except Armadillo.
There are hedgehogs and tortoises in other places, of course.
There are some in my garden.
But the real old and clever kind, with their scales lying, liberty-lapity, one over the
other, like pine cone scales, that lived on the banks of the turbid Amazon in the high
and far off days are called Armadillo's because they were so clever.
So that, all right best beloved, do you see?